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I'm writing a piece of shit novel and I need to know if I went to far with this sex scene:
The air was slightly cool and Daiane, sitting next to me; was clearly shivering a bit.
“You’re cold, come here.” She smiled awkwardly because of how little clothes she was wearing and sat gently, a little hesitantly on my lap; and i rubbed her arms and shoulders decisively, confidently.
“That’s a bit better, don’t you think?” I said smiling.
Her gentle feminine voice trembled inadvertently as she agreed with a “yeah” and i could see she was starting to feel safer in my presence.
I started rubbing her shoulders more slowly now, caressing her and feeling her small tender frame in my hands. I could feel my erection returning now. She looked back at me and i noticed that her pupils were dilated to the point of eclipsing her brown eyes almost entirely.
Her lower, bulging lip hanged freely. I massaged the back of her slim long neck and stroked her quadriceps slowly. Not a word was spoken. The taxi finally arrived and we maintained a strong, mutually knowing eye-contact for a brief moment before we drove home.
We arrived at my place after about a 10 minute drive and as we entered my apartment she walked ahead of me, not saying a word. She turned around and stood with her hip extending outwards to the side and her hand resting on it as if she was waiting impatiently for something to happen. She looked at me in a very seductive way, just watching, not saying a word.
I was incredibly horny at that point and i was certain she wanted me, and so i threw my jacket on the sofa and walked slowly towards her. She was taller than i was which was strangely exciting. I came in closer and she leaned her face down towards my face and i held her tight up against me, holding her neck, and i kissed her fiercely. I sucked on her lower lip and we both breathed heavily. I grabbed her finely shaped, fit ass and held it tight and then proceeded to lick her neck, which was very easy because of her height. She started rubbing herself against me and her crotch felt incredibly warm against me. She was probably very wet at this point. I didn’t want her to have an orgasm while dry humping me and so i unbuttoned her pants and went on my knees, to which i was met with her soaking wet panties and her quivering, slim, long, smooth legs.
She was breathing heavier than before at this point and she fondled with my hair and held the back of my head. I couldn’t wait any longer and so i removed her panties with my teeth to which was revealed her pulsating, wet clit, which i immediately started sucking on hungrily. Soon enough she held my hair even tighter and was practically fucking my face with her pussy, which i embraced. I loved hearing her moans and tasting her vaginal fluids. I finally got up and it was her turn to suck me.
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I grabbed the back of her hair tight to which she gasped in a submissive way. I then put two of my fingers into her mouth and had her suck them for a bit, then i pushed her head lightly down to indicate what i wanted and she responded immediately. She squeezed her hard nipples while rubbing her face against my rock hard cock and smelling it, then she licked from the bottom of the shaft slowly to the tip, then proceeded to suck the tip exclusively for some bit, passionately, seemingly entranced, squeezing her own tits tight so that her nipples bulged even more than they already had been. She was vicious, wild, and hungry.
When my penis was wet enough, she started going deeper, slowly progressing to the point of making it disappear down her throat. I held her hair tight while her throat was filled up and she looked up in a very submissive way, fluttering her prominent eyebrows, waiting to catch her breath. Her eyes involuntarily started filling with tears and so i pulled my dick out to let her breathe. I fucked her throat for a minute or two until her tits were slathered with bodily fluids with some dripping down from her lower lip. Her mouth was open, as if she wanted more, but i wanted to fuck her soaking wet pussy so i pulled her up and kissed her lips, then i turned her around and held her ass against my wet hard dick, with her ass cheeks enveloping my cock. She had a very voluptuous ass considering how slender the rest of her body was. I bent her forward with her hands on the couch, holding her hips while slowly sliding my dick back and forth between her ass cheeks, then she started ambitiously rubbing her ass against my dick, biting her lower lip, eagerly waiting for me to go inside of her.
Finally i knelt a bit down and found her opening, and then i slowly pushed inside. Her pussy was rather tight and my dick was extremely hard and so it would be hard to not cum too soon.
As i went in, she moaned as if trying to catch her breath. Her legs were firmly together which gave an even tighter sense of envelopment.
Finally my dick was all the way inside her, and i held her firmly against me – she was now gasping for air, utterly at the mercy of my thoroughly engorged penis, and finally i started going back and forth and she was beginning to tremble already, producing intense moans of helpless ecstasy.
“Oh god,” she said. “I’m gonna cum.”
As she said this i started going harder and deeper, thrusting my strong hips hard against her smooth ass, causing ripples in her flesh.
I finally grabbed her short hair firmly with one hand and went on top of her on the sofa, with her pushing her ass as hard as she could against my still thrusting motions.
“Oh god, yes! Yes!” She said helplessly.
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As i went harder she all the sudden went silent for a momentary lapse while her entire body seemed to contract, then all the sudden she gave out the most intense, ecstatic gasp she had produced yet and her entire body began convulsing intensely. I felt her vaginal tube practically trying to push my cock out from the contractions, but i kept at it and she began screaming. Her cheeks were completely flustered and she was breathing uncontrollably in-between the screams.
Soon enough i finally came while holding her neck tightly and sucking her ear-lobes, completely high off the heavy air that was pervaded by her pheromones.
I filled her pussy with my cum and then rested on top of her, with her still convulsing slightly, completely defeated, completely paralyzed from pleasure, and me almost passed out.
We took a shower together afterwards and then we fell asleep together in my bed.
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nah, it's alright.
sounds a bit like you watch a lot of porn.
i'd change a few things like the beginning. that whole rubbing and sitting one his lap was a bit clichée. also the "knowing gaze".
and the "she started to feel safer" thing. write that again but in a show don't tell version.
words that seemed unfitting:
>quadriceps
>vaginal fluids (just go with fluids. we all know which ones)
>quivering, slim, long, smooth legs. bit much
>she was taller than i was - she was taller than me?
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>>9490049
Thanks, I was expecting full on ridicule. I wrote this like 2 years ago and I cringe so hard when I read it. I agree with all your points.
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>>9490049
not op but these are really good tips.
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>>9490000
>The air was slightly cool and Daiane, sitting next to me; was clearly shivering a bit.
I'm not reading farther.
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>>9490084
i like that you don't do that awkward shit a lot of writers do and try to find cringey analogies for stuff.
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>>9490107
Fucking racist
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Eyebrows don't flutter, right?
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>>9490116
I always try to not sound pretentious. There's nothing as bad as a pretentious "artist."
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>>9490000
The road to hell is paved with adverbs
You can cut half of this text
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>>9490305
Did Stephen King tell you that?
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