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Alright lads, just finished a first draft of a novel. Have been writing it on and off for a few years now.
It's about some wealthy Venetian traders who go and explore North America in the 1770s, they set sail before news of the revolution. The following describes where one of the more eccentric ones got his special chess pieces.
>The bleached bones of dead men were known to wash upon the shores. So many died in the Battle of Stamford bridge - 1066, that the banks of the river Derwent stayed white with the ribs of the Norse, the shins of the Danes and the osseous shrapnel of Anglo men long after the fighting subsided. The carrion took what they could, the blood settled in the marshes or washed into the sea. The line of Cerdic failed, a Norman took the thrones and died. A pope called a crusade at claimant and Baldwin, the youngest son of the fool from Boulogne became King of the Holy land. Oceans rose into the sky, were swallowed by the land and spewed back into where they rose a thousand times or more, and still parts of the Derwent were white with the stubborn matter of vanquished men. An old fisherman had retreated into the bracken and there collected “Michael’s driftwood”, after the archangel presumably which was after a moments inspection revealed to be the ivory and alabaster of long dead warriors, all that the fish did not eat and the gods did not claim. Being, now, too feeble to grave-dig Verdi believed the bones were sourced from the shores and the crevices of battlefields which were, but not for the fishermen, forgotten. The fisherman whittled at his haul in his twilight, making trinkets. The chess pieces appealed most to Verdi and he purchased several sets for the price of a barrel of wine and a Suffolk Dun dairy cow. The fishermen did not need this trade as he was supported by the benevolent reciprocity of the once hungry children he fed when he still ably fished and besides, he didn’t eat much. Thus, the whittled pieces of old English soldiers were sent about a checkered board to amuse a madman a world away and a Yorkshire fisherman, near death, drank good milk and the juices of Bordeaux.
I know it's not great, it's just a hobby for me really but I'd love some actual constructive criticism desu.
>pic not related.
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>>9437217
Totally uninterested in the narrative but it reads very nicely. Excellent job.
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>>9437240
Oh, and people will tell you to put this in the critique thread not to make your own egotistical thread for it. But I could see why you'd want to make your own.
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>>9437268
Don't be sorry. Critique threads are garbage now anyways. 90% of the people who post in them can barely grasp basic grammar, and very few people actually critique. Making your own thread like this is better if you're sincerely writing something and looking for feedback.
That said, it's alright. It's not amazing, but it's readable. The premise is interesting, and it's set in a time period that I enjoy reading about, so I'd probably be willing to read it.
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>>9437217 (OP) #
Just some thoughts -- on the fly, as it were. There is potentially something quite daring in your approach - but you have to manage it. Complexity, coupled with gritty mania for detail, can be very enticing - for the right kind of reader -- but only if properly managed and held in check by a controlling vision and a sense of balance, pacing and proportion. Very important, first of all is precision and finesse with stylistics - get your grammar right, and be consistent in tone and diction - that is rhetorical qualities. Your opening stays mainly in an antiquated register - you use more formal diction, phrases and words that give it an antiquated ring -- 'washed upon the shore' not washed on the shore. In the final section you use very colloquial phrasing. That mix doesn't work when you're already taxing the reader's tolerance for complexity and for potentially unrefined - not selectively pruned - detail. You want to give the impression of that plethora - that exuberance, that imaginative orgy of historic detail, however. Being stylistically consistent will allow it to ring true and to settle more easily into the reader's poor over-worked brain. I suggest you read a writer like, say, Le Carre to see how a rather formal diction - big words, etc, -- can be synthesized with more colloquial and current modes of discourse. His sense of tact, his stylistic tact, are always bang on, I think. This stylistic consistency is very important for all writers, but even more so for someone like you who is fishing in rather deep pools and making some demands on his/her readers. I love the condensation, the accrual of detail, the irrelevancies and the flashes of mundanity mixed in with the esoteric, but manage it. Turn to the best writers - go as far as Flaubert, Dickens, Tolkien, Austen to learn to hone your craft. Best of luck. Wish I could recommend some historical fiction writers but unfortunately I can't.
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>>9437321
Where are you in the standard critique threads?
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>>9437365
Not interested
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>>9437321
Holy smokes anon, great feedback.
> stylistic consistency
This is something I am aware I struggle with, explicit mention of the word "upon" was funny. I knew something was out of place but it just reads silly now that you mention it.
You've articulated my biggest problems here better than I could. I do feel like without complexity It's boring and with it, it's taxing to read.
Thank's a lot, I really mean that, I've read my fair share of Tolkien, Dickens and Austen. Would Flaubert's style translate well?
I will be sure to read Le Carre and take notes, I've copied your text into the file and made it bold, I like this criticism, thank-you.
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>>9437321
you got a blog or anything?
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>>9437380
What made you interested in this?
Hopefully you'll be around if I ever post mine.
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>>9437321
Tell us more about yourself
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>>9437409
Not the other poster, but Flaubert's style does translate pretty well(in the opinion of someone who has only read him in English).
Mostly unrelated, but if you're interested in Flaubert I would also recommend a book called Flaubert's Parrot which is by Julien Barnes and which, while modern, has a lot of historical fact written into it which could influence how you want to convey your thoughts. While I'm suggesting things somewhat related, Waterland by Graham Swift also covers historical periods and excruciating levels of detail mixed into a plot. There's a lot of other things going on but the style could be on point for what you're going for. These two books come to mind when reading your passage.
Other than that, all I can say is keep it up. I liked the piece, though I think like the second to last line is weak, and would either need to be fleshed out or removed(in it's current state it feels like an afterthought to tell us that the fishermen's just a cool guy, which I would argue is already implied).
I could try and go into more detail, but I've never pretended to be an editor before and don't want to sink the time if you think I'm wrong to begin with.
-S
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>>9437321
Well done anon, you managed to deplete our entire years supply of dashes in one post. Bravo.
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>>9437462
Another very welcomed critique.
I agree the second to last line is weak though I thought it was necessary. Why did you think the Fisherman was already a cool guy? I felt it read as though he was ghoulish, and not just peculiar (which is what I wanted) so added the elucidation.
I'll put Waterland on my list, thanks anon.
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>>9437487
It's a good read. The protagonist is a history teacher, which is probably why the vibes are the same.
As to my previous critique, I would say that the ghoulish or repulsive behavior of chiseling human bone into toys is removed by the process of time you've painstakingly created with the abundance of historical fact. Nature and history have run their course, and the fishermen is merely doing his part on what remains. Does it maintain a level of creepiness? Yes, but I would argue you were going for and want that level of creepiness in a peculiar chess set made of human bones. Giving me some pathos to say that the fisherman isn't a pawn of capitalism for bone-obsessed wine traders doesn't seem relevant, nor do I feel the need to know that he was a good person who did his responsibility as a caretaker of children. Perhaps I'm more detached than your target audience. If you feel that distinction is important to his character, I think the story needs something more than this sentence provides.
The only other sentence I don't really like is "An old fisherman had retreated into the bracken and there collected “Michael’s driftwood”, after the archangel presumably which was after a moments inspection revealed to be the ivory and alabaster of long dead warriors, all that the fish did not eat and the gods did not claim."
I think this does a lot of important things. It inflects powerful imagery with your allusion, which is fantastic, and that "ivory and alabaster of long dead warriors" is great too. I think this is important because it ties all that historical context to the plot going on right now(the story of Verdi getting the chess set) but it feels really clunky. Specifically the lack of punctuation here "after the archangel presumably which was after" is confusing. The use of 'after' twice is also confusing, since it sort of requires you to think of two definitions of the word 'after'(being named after something vs. coming after something) in rapid succession. I guess you may need to mention the archangel part, but your audience is people reading the most WASP timeframe ever and they probably can draw the line themselves.
To be clear, I'm not trying to be offensive, and any overreaching statements I make are just my opinion. I don't like say "IMO/I believe" since I think it's obvious that what I'm saying is my opinion and not cardinal fact. Hope it helps!
-S
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