Write the worst opening line you can think of. Guidelines...

A screaming comes across the sky: Aiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

>>9357556
You have been disqualified.

>>9357552
implement*

If you've ever been hungry, then maybe you can understand my struggle through Mimneapolis

*unsheates katana*
So...this is the famed power of feminism...yeah...nice try...too bad us traditionalist bronies look beyond mere buzzwords...

I have awoken into another shitty day in which I shall have my way impeded by obtuse peers which I unluckily have been born to share a birthyear, and sometimes month or day with - such is my appalling fate as an intellectual youth.


wow this actually turned out pretty good. sorry OP

He ran to the tray and dunked his chafed shaft complete with nuts into the icy cold water: What a fuck! he thought, licking his dry lips.

Most people stumble from tragedy to tragedy -- birth being the first of them, setting the rest in motion, one after the other, all the way till the end -- believing the misery of life to be preferable to permanence of death; I have made it my life's work to change their minds.

To be sure of yourself is a quality I don't possess.

"Death to America!" Mohammed shouted as the plane crashed into the tower

>>9357621
You sound awfully sure about that.

Someone left the cap open, there's only bitter sediment at the bottom.

>>9357552
I woke up with a kind of strange feeling in my mouth, a feeling of a shaft fastly entering and touching the back of my throat, this, of course, turned out to be my boyfriend Tyrone trying to face rape me again, the silly man.

>>9357552
>Write the worst opening line you can think of

Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these: /pol/ was right again.

Women: of course, I could explain the mystery to you, but then there would be no urge for you to go out there and be the best man you think they want (but they actually don't), and I tried to tell you all of this because you were my younger brother, but because you were my younger brother you didn't listen again; so I'll tell the world instead.

Her skin was like the finest cream, her eyes like a cats and she purred, and she was the moon orbiting my world.

When all was said and done, I guess you could say the adventure had been worthwhile, but try telling that to my friends along the way (pet dragon and sexy woman sidekick) and you'd be met with smoking nostrils and a quirky, lovable scowl.

I've been on so many wars by now they are basically like dinner parties: And you better believe, dear reader, my elbows are on the table.

>all these guys posting the legit first lines of their novels

I was born in a small village off the coast of Myilanhara, a small fishing town that didn't even have enough people to warrant town guards - it was a peaceful place, but not for long.

There they found I, working on my latest thesis that the world's foremost scholars of science looked forward to so enthusiastically, in my laboratory; "the president it counting on you" they reminded me before, and I knew very well how the lives of so many depended on me - but I could handle it; in the present, I addressed them with a smirk "what took you so long?"

>>9357552
Gregor Samsa arose one day to find he had been transformed into a giant cockroach...

>>9357624
:)

On my tombstone they engraved the simple, yet truthful phrase: "saviour of mankind," which I read with a bemused grin, thinking that they were stupid to believe in such lofty ideals when the real hero had just been a man's knowledge of the blade... But, as usual, I'm getting ahead of myself.

As unbelievable as they seem, I must assure you, if you now hold this book, in your hands, that the events, that I am about to unfold to you, are nothing but the absolute truth.

Another bright great day in America billowed through my window and shone its majestic light on to my roused, aquiline face, where I had just slipped peacefully out of a dream in which I had indeed accomplished that which I knew I would succeed in doing - delivering the research paper on achieving happiness and independent self-sufficiency that would redefine the intellectual stamina of my faculty's reputation and prowess - and so I yawned intellectually and went downstairs to pour myself a patriotic bowl of Lucky Charms, and looking outside the window and seeing the cow and three sheep out in the field past my backyard, I sighed knowingly that this privileged day would be the day where Sarah would would finally see in me the master that I really am.

It was the first rain of the Year of the Frog; sweet and warm, a spring-rain pregnant with rusty pollen, nourishing - not only to plants but souls too, a cleaning shower of woumb-like cadence, an air of Virginal Purity, tears of Mary; and the oddest part was: it rained red.

He knew that Quantum theory was obviously the key to getting into any girls pants that he could ever desire, however when donald trump and hillary had the abortion theu forgot one thing. Obama.

>>9357552
Our young protagonist began his today like every other day--by sighing and lighting a cigarette.

>>9357647
This would work for YA or normies.

They always said "every dog has his day," but I never thought that would mean having his way with my wife.

Hi it's me the author of this screenplay.... wait *checks watch* O shit! This is a novel, haha.

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>>9358462

See the cakes; smell the yellow cakes of the pan and taste the yellow golden rivers streaming across the cakes--
Thank the mom.

Life was fucking shit and only i realized it, i looked pedestrians having fun infront of me and laughed at them being such sheep enjoying their little pathetic existence

>>9357552
There are stories that end nicely with the good guy getting the girl and everyone living happily ever after, irregardless, this is not one of those stories

>>9357610
Kek

>>9357621
unironically sub-par but not terrible

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If you wante'd a good book, a fulfilling book about completed character arcs and personal development... I'm your man.

>>9357655
underrated kek

>>9358539
>Unironically using "sub-par"
>Unironically claiming to know whether he was being ironic.

>>9357552
She left a note made out of refrigerator magnets informing me that she was leaving a never coming back; and if I wouldn't mind feeding the dog while she was away.

The human brain is the most fascinating concept ever conceived.

They said i should "be myself" only problem is that "me" doesn't exist

As I held my cock and balls I whispered gently that I wouldn't burn the palace - so why didn't I?

>>9357594
you made me audibly laugh

>>9357655
This could be in a Mel Brooks war movie based on Apocalypse Now and Saving Private Ryan. This is so fucking good

>>9357552
>that pic

I hope this doesn't awaken something in me.

"Liberals?" chortled Merriam-Webster audibly, "yes i used to believe in people once too, before, before..." suddenly he was back in 2015 his member throbbing, his pants, discarded.

I'm just a normal ten year old girl - well, I'm also trans, but that doesn't make me any less normal.

>>9357552
I woke up to a loud crash that resounded throughout the house like a meteor made out of pancakes had burst forth from some primordial plane and found within its power to crash through my house of all houses and the brimstone the fiery brimstone of crashing sparked a deep want for the same fiery caramel color of fresh baked pancakes with golden syrup to find it within its power to crash into my mouth while I express a clear want and longing nay obsession with wanting a golden retriever to crash into my house instead: and the crash in my house made a crashing sound in my head that made a crash in my heart for lack of a syrupy pancake retriever.

It was Friday the thirteenth, the night before Halloween

As such, thus was the is - for that is what it does and did and will have done...

>>9357686

top kek

While the weather and storm of it all fortified and our eroded cheeks traveled the dry desert of lust we discovered our fortified hunger for sun-drenched sweetness ever growing in those hot sun-blazing hours as in the stormy nights where we used to sleep in the freezing nights of october sun.

Okay, very well, I shall tell you my story; but first you must imagine my cock and balls.

>>9359441
I unironically like it.

He wallowed in and cooed like a waif in the street all whilst clutching his cock and balls diligently.

>>9359441
kek

This is my manifesto, the truth of it is subjective

A broken car on the side of the road; a beauty in white revealed in frustration; duty-bound to help by obligation; and in my massive testicles swirled a hot load - this was going to be the best spring break ever.

I always knew when the age of my father; he was more old than me.

The End

you are probably wondering how i ended up in this situation

>>9357655
Lmao

My oh my, my cockiness and ballsy take on life has once more landed me in the adventure of a life time - you're invited too, y'know?

"Cucked again!?!", I screamed; Shauna crossed the line this time.

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>>9359397

POOPYASS

Only one enemy remained; two if you counted God.

He shuddered in painful delight as he forced his own cock into his asshole and filled himself with his own warm pee, and in that moment he truly understood every aphorism and wise quotation about finding your own way in life and not wanting for anyone else to make your life worth it

>>9359487
I love the idea of a book beginning with this sentence.

"Checkmate," I said.

Ah, there she is: the famine, growing a hole in my stomach as the smoke from holy grass fills up my lungs.

My daddy brothed at the mouth while I sat on his face screaming ree through my pussy flappers

>>9357657
If this is from your actual novel (which it undoubtedly is), throw it in a fire now.

"Just turn my ass inside out with your dog dick, Larry," he began, "Its the only way."

>>9360068
Actually hilarious

It wasn't like I wanted it to come to this happenstance, but rather that, through the lineage of my life's experience, I was unceasingly pushed, like a nail to the hammer of circumstance - BANG BANG BANG - into the wall of depression that makes up my current existence.

>>9357552
"So––you want to hear the story of the faeries?" Grandpaw prattled to the Ken of Hinterfolk one autumnal evening 'neath the crepuscular sunset, golden as a gold doubloon.

>>9357649
Fucking awful. Solid 9/10.

>>9358474
So bad you shouldn't have even uttered it desu. My life is significantly worse off, now that you have posted this.

>>9357552
It was a day like any other-but it was the night that was remarkable, because I was struck by lightning (figuratively, of course, the literal lightning comes later)

>>9357552
It was a wet, wintery morning, and Emma's brown eyes glistened in the dew.

There was a man who stood alone and gazed at the world forlornly, then walked along the street with his hands in his pockets, staring at the dirt in the gutters because his whole world was a gutter.

I wake up from a dream. A long dream. I can see by the end of the book that my Mexican girlfriend dies, and the ending of this story is a tragedy.

>>9357655
Terrible and god damn hilarious

>>9358431
Eh. Trying to hard.

>>9358493
Uhhhhhh

>>9358758
Not shitty, really, though meh prose.

>>9359441
Lol

>>9359746
Yeah yeah yeah, just stop.

>>9361561
Truly an unrelenting torrent of shit. One of the best ITT

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"Your mother will die in her sleep tonight if you don't reply to this post."

>>9357628
fuckin underrated

I walked left then right, looked up and down, gazed long into the void, while the void was a black darkness I tried to avoid; in short, I tried to avoid the void, by walking left then right, looking up and down, gazing long into the void; for there is nothing more than the void and I must avoid it at all costs, or else I will hang myself, or turn to the razor and bleed, because nobody cares in this whole wide world except those who have seen what I have seen, the void, the deep black impenetrable night of monsters and dark things that cry alone; also, I enjoy golf, because, frankly, nothing soothes my mind more than balls.

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>>9358493
This isn't so bad, really. With work it could be quite nice. 2/10
>>9358505
Reading this makes me hate you. gj 9/10
>>9358775
I hate the concept of you. 8/10
>>9357594
Fucking disgusting stuff
9/10
>>9359324
Pretty bad. But a bit too on-the-nose
5/10
>>9359346
A bit memey.
6/10
>>9359397
Jesus fucking christ. Misleading syntax. Overwritten. Shit metaphors. Nonsense. Recycling of bland motifs
10/10
>>9359402
Boring as shit
6/10
>>9359418
The potential for this line to actually say something substantial prevents it from being irredeemable
4/10
>>9359437
what
8/10
>>9359441
made me laugh
8/10
>>9359457
too much decent characterization of a potentially real character to be total shit.
Otherwise, "diligently" ruins a lot of what could have made it good, bumping it from a 2 to a 5/10
>>9359460
Fucking relativist. I hate relativists
Therefore I give this 8/10
but that's subjective
>>9359470
pathetic
7/10
>>9359482
poor 6/10
>>9359485
kek
N/A
>>9359487
bad, but memey
4/10
>>9359496
sexually frustrated 16 y.o. pynchon
6/10
>>9359522
pretty bad
but cuck meme
5/10
>>9359746
shit meme
no bonus points
0/10
>>9359754
19 y.o. /b/tard herman hesse
8/10
>>9360077
it's okay
5/10
>>9360591
dude
7/10
>>9360767
gross and dumb
if i saw this in a published book i would kill myself
7.5/10
>>9360937
weak and pathetic fatalism/10
>>9360964
YA money grab/10
>>9361561
not even sure i finished reading that sentence
8/10
>>9361563
is my heart supposed to swoon or something?
7.5/10
>>9361574
actually not bad, leaving it at a 1/10 -- until "his whole world was a gutter". It ruins everything.
6/10
>>9361577
so meta so dumb
8/10
>>9361585
fucking weebs
>>9361588
It started off redeemable. But got worse. And worse. Got even worse after that. I hate this. 9/10

>>9359470

top fucking kek

The Following Summer, we met again, in that hot air of the desert, a paradise for love, and it was surely going to get hotter.

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>>9361588
>frankly, nothing soothes my mind more than balls.

My pained groans were only a show to disguise my inner numbness; numb like the twin icecubes that she was pressing on me were making my nipples - sex with Emma Stone used to be exciting, and she pushed my boundaries; now she still has her fun (I can almost see something of her old youth in her when she swings that whip), but I haven't been able to care about anything since the accident - really, it's hard to say if I'm still LOVING EMMA.

I call this book LOVING EMMA

Renowned curator Jacques Sauniére staggered through the vaulted archway of the museum's grand gallery.

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>>9357594

[This comes from a real self-published book.]

Eight inches, that's all she wanted, maybe with a brain.

They were twins, with two nipples between them.

"Those people on the internet were right, God really doesn't exist!" I thought to myself as I was gaping at my bloody kneecap, only flimsily connected to the rest of my leg; this was the ending of my story, but to find out the rest, well you have 386 pages yet to go.

>>9357669
indeed. this really is horrible writing. and all the words that come after it. ug

Looking back at it all, I wonder if I could have done things differently without sacrificing the things that made me me, and yet every time I come to the same conclusion, which is that in order to tell my story, I need to start at the start.

>>9357552

A screaming comes across the sky, growling like a constipated fat frog straining to shit: REEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Isn't it strange, those who most preach Gods virtues are also his most fallen creations?

>>9361852

>>9357556 did it better.

He walked while looking around, gazing at the curb and the street, seeing the bright light, deciding that it would be better to just go home, where he could sink into his couch and not think about the day he just had: it was all a big mess, there were several things wrong with it, most of them impossible to think about, yet he thought about them obsessively, these thoughts he had, they were ineradicable, and it was all his fault, just a big mess, which kept lingering in his mind, unable to be quieted, so many thoughts, that stung with the force of killer bees, hurt like the thorns in a rose, killed him in the heart, and it wouldn't stop going on, just endless, like an endless pain in every bone, in every blood vessel, a fire in his loins, a belligerent melancholy, making the night air hot, stifling, and every nerve in his body was crushed and hot and inflamed, so that all he could think about was the day he had had, the day that was worse than all days, all years, all millenia, like the sun was in his throat ready to go supernova, his face just aching to be free, with a thousand sufferings in his mind, things he thought about that pained him dearly, things to dark for words, but only that could be spoken to the silence, like terrible curses flung upon the ashes of his corpse - that was why he ... couldn't go on.

in the beginning satan created a torturous carnival called earth

Everyone listens to music, and so I lose respect for anyone who hasn't made the effort to find out what is best in the world of music and instead listen to pop and rap garbage. Yes, I am a proud metalhead and its time for you to learn about the best music on earth. Listen to this epic track to get you started: [youtube link]

It is what it is.

The first sentence of "Infinite Jest" goes something like “I am sitting in an office, surrounded by bodies and heads.” and boy oh boy, I’m only 11 words in, not counting the chapter title, and I fear that I’m not just in over my head, but that even if I were wearing an oversized Dr.Seuss-style top hat, I’d likely be in over that as well.

I awoke the howl within, and the werewolf was within me, alive like a beast of sin.

His name was Jaysin, and he was a vampire.

>>9361876
whew

I awoke the howl within, and within the werewolf was I, alive like a beast of sin, within the beast of God.

it's all downhill from here

>>9361894
I awoke to a howl, my own body transmogrifying into that of a beast, not just any beast for I was damned by God, unloved by the Church, holy was not I, I was - the Werewolf!

>>9361869
10/10 for pure edge

>>9359397
>crash into my mouth
This and everything after that made me tear up. 9/10

There's three kindsa crazy: there's crazy, there's damn crazy, and then there's my guddamn batshit girlfriend.

As I fawned over the woman across the table from me I picked up the check as she stepped outside to meet her husband.

>>9357552
this is my story and today it is a good day to tell it because i am me and this is the story of today okay so here I go.

Lang Xeung is sitting in his inner city shared apartment watching Shawshank for what is about the third time that day.

If you're wondering why this book is so thick they're paying me by the word.

"To form a bond between the mind of a manic-depressive to another is the ancient practice of treading water in high seas; its possible for short bursts but anything over an hour and you'll be looking for the nearest floating piece of debris" Jack reiterated.

>>9357552
"""""I told you to bring me some eggs stupid!"""""
""""She said with red in her face""""
"""These words were the last of his voiceover's career, that he didn't know at the time he heard "cut!"""
""And that was what he wrote on the first page with a smile""
"These confusing lyrics were followed by a crowd cheering without enthusiasm, unaware of the quotation marks"
For the last time, he counted the quotation marks before hitting "Post"

>>9361871
>[youtube link]
Kek

>>9361959
>okay so here I go
10/10

>>9361967
You know damn well this is good, asshat. (Although ofc change 'for what is about the third' to 'for the third'.)

>>9362086
Shooting for criteria numero uno but glad you found it "good"

>>9362104
Fuck you

Here are the life lessons I learned from 4chan:

Allow me to introduce myself, now I'm not saying I'm Jesus but I'm pretty close.

I have written this book concerning the world's foremost problem, Jews.

Large scale jenkem cultivation began at around the same time the shit started to hit all the fans.

>>9362110
Ample response, it was starting to smell a bit like reddit in here

With this book I have given mankind the greatest present that has ever been made to it so far. This book, with a voice bridging centuries, is not only the highest book there is, the book that is truly characterized by the air of the heights—the whole fact of man lies beneath it at a tremendous distance—it is also the deepest, born out of the innermost wealth of truth, an inexhaustible well to which no pail descends without coming up again filled with gold and goodness.

>>9357674
This is my favorite in the thread

>>9361733

I'd ironically unironically read it

>>9361873
Bro idgaf that took me like three pages to figure out what the fuck was going on in the chapter

>>9362022
I like it.

>>9362154
reminds me of the introduction to Paradise Lost

>>9357623
>>9357594
>>9357647
Made me laugh
>>9357655
Still laughing as a type
>>9357656
This would be the perfect terrible opener
>>9357674
Weeb/10 very nice
>>9358439
Underrated
>>9360767
>>9360068
>>9359746
>>9359402
>>9359397
>>9360591
Very nice


If you're reading this than it is not ever too late to be reading this because the story starts now like when you milk a cow wait now okay hear.

I had soiled my pants while standing up to pray, Blasphemy! The priest shouted.

People often tell me I'm an old soul, and lo: The emptiness of being had struck me with its weighty nothingness when I was but thirteen years old, so yes, I guess you could say that I was a few years older than my years... But that never stopped me from allowing my eyes to sparkle with youthful mirth... That is, until the day everything changed - and it had started off just like any other, next to a beautiful lady.

An explosion ripped across the lands, catastrophic and absolute death, the Earth shuddered, and I woke up, saying, "not again," and getting out my gun.

Snap! That is the sound of my story trapping your faculty of reason.

When push comes to shove, at the end of the day, I suppose I've just been pushing and shoving my way through life, waiting for the end of the final day - little did I know that it was about to come sooner rather than later.

My wife had been BLACKED yet again, and all i could do was stand there and watch

>>9362293
The earth turned upside down beneath explosion and absolute death, an apocalyptic crack in the teepot of space, and I woke up, saying, "not again," drew my gun and opened fire.

"You're dick looks like a corn-cob!" she cried, as she sucked my dick.

>>9362331
Lolita is great you pleb.

Neighbour Johnson was in the movie theater all day long; I took this opportunity to spend my day in his hound, and that's, folks, is how everything started.

>>9357552
Call me Ishmael.

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>>9362309
"Take that, Teapot!" I said.

>>9361578
>>9358431
The room for the first time was empty. I never knew how loud silence could be. It was just us now. The worst part of all was the way he left. I do don'tnt think he ever even cared about me at all. Quickly my sadness turns to anger.

>>9357552
A katana made of metal pierces him heavily.

Shut your mouth and shove that spoon up my ass

>>9357655
Goddamn, put me on the screencap.

Some nights we made love, but most nights we fucked.

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"wake up already! these eggs aint gonna eat themselves." Oh dearest mother, you made me breakfast without the knowledge of your upcoming demise at the same hands that would consume your scrambled eggs.

I winked him with the right eye and then the left one. I licked him the tip, the tip of the mouth. Of course mirror contact felt cold to my tongue. Then I proceeded to take a shower.

When I was young I used to think Asians had landscape pussies. Later, life showed me how wrong I was. That was when I got penile fracture. Now they call me mirror lens.

>>9362892
Writing a novel is like shouting into an empty well: Hello, actor! Hello, author! and in the end, you just might be a penny richer.

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>>9357552
"He only drunked his coffee black. As he was sitting there in the deserted cafe, his thoughts wandered far, from A to B. Where was the girl, he thought. Surely, she couldn´t just´ve left him. Not like this. He lit his cigarette and stared at the black nothingness outside the pie-smelling room."

>>9363357
That's a better 14 yo me

Sucked was his dick and swallowed his sperm - such is life of the Chad, my characterial antonym. I have lived my life trying to be him. Now it's time... to go my own way

>>9362304
all I wanted to do*, you mean

It was a stormy, and dark night.

>>9363621
The Dark Knight hated the dark night.

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The sound of my katana unsheathing pierced Pope Francis' ears. "Where's your god now, creaky old basterd? Pray to him, or do not - it doesn't matter for it is the same!" I laughed from the heart as did my blade as it cut into the bones of his neck, and shattering his ribs. Heh...nothing personal against you, papa... but against god? You bet it's personnel (if god exists, which he doesn't) !

Refer to the diagram below. Let ((())p) > 1. What is the equation of the tangent line to the circle (x^(2)) + (y^(2)) = 1 through the point (p, 0) on the z\x-axis with a point of tangency in the upper half-plane?

He knelt over me on the bed screaming, his eyes bulging like two stressed stress balls about to be squeezed to bursting like oranges all over my face.

The piss trickled down her face in this golden age of the golden shower. Mohammad found that a cata pussy was much tighter than a goats. And thus began the golden age of islam.

>>9362363
impressive

>>9363639
8/10

>>9363357
Where did you get my diary...

The sun sat bright and blue like a peeled orange in fluorescent light or like God's flashing yoyo suspended in a Boingy-Boing.

>>9361692
Opening of new John Irving novel?

>>9364001

This is what happens when you spend more time reading than interacting with the outside world.

>>9364200
Wow. Nice bad opening sentence.

The cum was sticky now, but soon it would be dry. What was the meaning of cumming fat loads if it would also dry up and die and amount to nothing like all human life?

Today was going to be "speshul", as the retarded kid next door has taken to calling himself, but it would be my triumph, not his, this time - this time, I would be the retard.

>>9364215

Thanks, anon.

I slid my f-15 glock 9 into my tactical five-pronged grasper, my augmented finger firmly placed in ready position on the trigger - ready to end a life to save my country - and crouchwalked to the point while sending up tactical distraction flares.

This is ten reasons why Marx Stirner and her sycophallic follower-hedonists need to stretch their legs and take a hike.

Close this book right now

>>9357552

Crash! My two mothers made pancakes. With a loud roar, i ate them.

>>9357552
Speaking to an audience of children, I hastily recounted the tapestry of events that culminated in my zeal. And boy were they impressed.

>>9357627
Kek, you have talent my friend

Lester, being of the divine, had matured to his physical prime in the minutes it took Zed to muster up the strength to continue living after looking down at his nasty, misshapen face while drinking the diseased ejaculate of the many woodland beasts driven mad by the satanic aura that sloughed off him in waves.

>>9357655
i dont get it

>>9357552
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

i awoke to the smell of boiled eggs and a throbbing headache. as my senses came too i started to pick up on my surroundings i was laying on my back, in a sunken couch, looking at a cigarette smoke stained ceiling the coloured blob blocking most of my vision slowly started to gain features and then it spoke
"some boiled eggs madame?"

The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed.

"Heh, I'll show them," the author snortled derisively as he began his new masterwork.

>>9357552
Have you ever visited that portion of Erin's plot that offers its sympathetic soil for the minute survey and scrutinous examination of those in political power, whose decision has wisely been the means before now of converting the stern and prejudiced, and reaching the hand of slight aid to share its strength in augmenting its agricultural richness?

>>9357552
It is an indelible reality of modern life that those with the greatest minds often become bored.

>>9357669
*vermin

>>9357556
nice morrowind reference

The weather forecasts said it would be sunny today; for me, it always rains.

I was smoking a cigarette (a stick of cancer, as I like to call them), when my phone rung.

I had a stick of cancer in my mouth (unlit of course, as a metaphor you see) when the walking oxygen tank approached me. She was a grenade, but at the time I was feeling absurd.

>>9367133
This is so fucking awful, it legitimately makes me want the author to suffer. Well done, sir.

>>9357655
Caspere knew this.

>>9368399
It's John Green, I think

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>>9368715
I had a stick of cancer in my mouth (cancer of course, as a metaphor you see) when the walking cancer tank approached me. She was a cancer, but at the time I was feeling cancer. Cancer.

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>>9368706
>There is no fucking table.

>>9368739
Are you dutch?

>>9368761
No. But I appreciate "going Dutch" and Dutch ovens.

>>9357610
underrated; would read

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>>9359470
bretty gud

All 1435 following pages of this book are entirely blank, you have just been tricked by the master.

The publisher said I can't have an acknowledgments section unless I pay extra, but I just want to say thanks mom and dad for funding my FIRST published book!

In the beginning; the end.

>>9359397
Alright, McCarthy

It was the same every night. Lying in my bed in absolute darkness, I can't get over the fact that I am going to die a virgin. It's not even really about sex, I've never hugged a woman, never kissed a woman, never cuddled with a woman. Every night I think of Julia and how very much I want to spend an eternity with her, but then the chill of reality comes as I roll over onto my front, my pajama pants pressing against my flesh, feeling the now-cold ejaculate left there some thirty minutes ago.

I couldn't take it anymore. Stumbling about from distraction to distraction, in search of meaning. Was the world truly and self-evidently meaningless? Could it all be a mere system of ordered chaos creates out of sheer cosmic coincidence? How do other cope, I wondered. They aren't much different, I though, as they too seek distraction to hold the realization of meaningless at bay. One difference could've been that such retarded questions didn't bother them as they were braced against an alley wall, pissing at a trashcan.

>>9361585
0/10

>>9358462
strange, I want to keep reading.

>>9361585
what are you trying to... ah, whatever, replied anyway

It was the afternoon of my eighty-first birthday, and I was in bed with my catamite when Ali announced that the archbishop had come to see me.

>>9361585
Ok

>>9361585
Reply

>>9364340
Would read

>>9361585
With a slight smirk on his face, he submitted his post and leaned back in his chair, "now to let the you's roll i-" he started to say himself in the darkness of his room, but was cut off by a scrambling noise from outside his house which quickly made its way into the home and to his door - panic stricken he backed against his wall as whatever was out there started smashing savagely at his door, a shill scream punctuating each bang:
"I
LOVE
MY
MOMMY!"

"No man should die like this", Jonathan Bincklebuck mumbled as he watched his fingers vanish into the colorful spiral of water, blood and feces.

I ran copious miles to the girl I love; She is My Beauty dream girl; my daisy cup

It was the morning of December 17th, and it was cold— So cold.

Some people call me a space pirate, but I've always preferred the title space entrepreneur - charm and wit are my laser sword and pistol.

Now, as many of you may have heard, there is and epidemic spreading. A virus. A plague. It's not Ebola, but I wish it was— It's worse than the dude who fucked a monkey and started AIDS.

It's the Dadbod.

>>9373659
This isn't a feels thread, bozo.

It is I Malrius, the greatest mind this world has ever seen that shall reign over the Bolrog empire, I that shall fill the wombs and lick the feet of my new princesses, I that shall collect the taxes of the filth and I that shall be king of this world and all of this because of this one faithful day...

>>9361585
response

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>>9373646
jesus christ

>>9371657
Only really awful thing about this is its heavy-handed style.

>>9373659
I actually can't stop laughing

People always end up looking like the pills they take.

>>9361585
Your gonna rot in hell duuudeeeeee!!!!!!

>>9357552
I stared at the windows forlornly, yet at the same time, strangely happy. The girl told me to stop;that she told me that my life is important and my family will miss me. I guffawed at her naivety,knowing that she had everything, and I have nothing. Then when I finished my last laugh, I pulled the trigger.

From Gonggamesh to Bonghartha, bend of banana to curve of thigh, we return again via circular narrative structure to Howl's Flying Castle 'n' environs, finding none other than a queer bucktoothed graduate laughing to himself as he inconspicuously unzips his fly and, with a hilarious backward glance, thrusts his pelvis into the exhaust nozzle of a decommissioned cruiser missile which has fallen to the ground since malfunctioning midair. There is no telling if it is yet to explode, or how soon. Our bucktooth protagonist jostles his shaft regardless of the impending nihil.