/lit/, what are the best jokes you know? Any kind. Use those

Uh....forgot the best one I ever heard.

The punchline is: Well your pussy rotted and you have fruit flies.

A bride-to-be is worried about consummating her marriage on the night of her wedding, as her vagina is substantially wide. Anxious, she goes to her mother and says, "Mother, I love Harry with all of my heart and can not wait to marry him, but I'm deathly afraid of making love given my condition."

The mother smiles and says,

"Oh Harriet, I had the exact same problem when I was marrying your father. I will tell you to do what I did: go down to the butcher, buy some raw liver, and slide it in before you lay together. He will never know the difference."

The next day the couple marries, and that night the bride does as she was told. They make wild, passionate love for eight hours that night, and it is far better than each could have ever imagined.

In the morning, she wakes to find her husband gone and a note left on his pillow. It reads:

"My darling Harriet,

To think that I waited three long years to consummate our loving relationship makes my heart beat so loudly I'm surprised it didn't wake you up. The only reason I am not by your side now, my love, is that I must go to work to make enough money to buy you a house, a garden, a picket fence, so that we may live happily with our future children.

Have no doubt, when the 5 o'clock dinner bell wrings tonight, I will be home like the winged Gossamer of love in your arms, reunited once again.

Your loving husband,
Harry

P.S. Your cunt is in the sink."

Why was the chiken crossing the road silently and without even looking both ways first? because he didnt give a cluck

A duck and two seven-foot-tall African-American transgender women walk into a bar. The duck goes to the bartender and asks for a beer. The bartender serves the duck and asks how he will paying.

The duck says "just put it on my bill."

>>9203966
>Well your pussy rotted and you have fruit flies.
You complain that I dont often eat your peach, well maybe you shouldnt leave it so out in the open and hang around all the time with all your gay buggy friends

Two archers are marching through a field. They are on their way to what they'be been told is their next battle site. They stop to eat lunch and the first archer sees a small fly resting on his quiver.
"We don't usually get flies at this elevation, huh. Guess this guy is living the solo life."
They finish lunch and carry on.
In four miles, around ten thousand flies traveling in a dense and horrible cloud burst forth from a nearby cluster of trees. A vicious and awful entity, the swarm makes a violent buzzing noise. That sound alone could haunt a man for the rest of his days.
The swarm speeds for the archers and they panic, splitting up and sprinting away. The swarm tails the first archer, and eventually catches up to him. He is knocked down by the force of ten thousand flies landing against his back. Screaming, he feels his quiver being lifted off his back by the tiny bodies. Guided by the uncoordinated herd, the quiver tips mid air, spilling arrows all across the ground.
The swarm latches on to one arrow and carries it off, back to the forest. Dazed and scared, the archer lays on the ground. The second archer approaches him. "Get up, boy."
"What were those things?"
"We call em Time Flies."
"How do I know they aren't coming back?"
"They took your arrow; they're done with you. Time Flies like an arrow."
"Oh"
The second archer bends down, unbuckles his pants, and sticks his thumb in the first archer's mouth, while straddling him.
"I'm going to enjoy this."

What's the best part of sex with twenty-five-year-olds?

There's only one of them. There was a massive dip in birth rates 25 years ago.

A woman in a bar asks for a Double Entendre and the bartender gives it to her.

>>9204113
Does not compute

>>9203955
My diary, desu

>>9204283
>Time Flies like an arrow
The last 3 lines are 'additional' 'obscene' misdirect purely for the lulz, it would seem

(time flies like an arrow is a saying... the flies in the story are called 'time flies', they took an arrow, presuming they liked the arrow.)

>>9204298
So it's an unfunny and obvious joke followed by /b/-at-its-worst humor? Also, I'm pretty sure I saw it posted around here before.

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>>9204113

>>9204316
criticizing /b/ for being uncivilized on /lit/ is like a kindergartener calling pre-k students immature you are so fucking embarrassing holy shit like i'm not even trying to defend /b/ but how lacking in self-awareness could a person possibly be holy fucking shit just stop posting

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>>9203955
Don't know shit about humor, but Phil's comics are hilarious to me.

>>9204316
>So it's an
being slightly disappointed in yourself for not getting the joke so attempting to lash out and demean the poster.

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>>9204360

Whats the difference between a piece of pizza and a baby?
I dont fuck my pizza before it eat it.

>>9204408
What's the other difference?
Pizza tastes terrible the morning after

Three statiscians go duck hunting

Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks "y'all want some beer?"

The first logician says "I'm not sure."

The second logician says "I'm not sure."

The third logician says "yes!"

How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 0. one to hold her pussy lips open, another to place it in (bulb first), another to touch a live wire to the base, the 4th to gentle tap the base with one of those doctors knee hammers until the bulb shatters, the 5th to nag at her husband to go to homedepot because shes been asking him to change the bulb for a few days now and while he was at work had to invite her friends over to try to help her do it, but it turned out they didnt have a spare in the house, and she knows he works right near the hardware store, so the man gets worried that she invited a male friend over to help, so he rushes to the store, gets a bulb and heads home and does it himself.

>>9204332
Why is the title of worst tripfag so coveted?

I used to think revenge was a dish best served cold... But then I realized it meant getting back at somebody.

>>9204435
Lol i read the book that joke is in too

>>9204527
explain

"When Britain was an Empire we were ruled by an emperor. When we became a kingdom we were ruled by a king. And now we're a country we're ruled by Margaret Thatcher." - Kenny Everett

>>9204424
also, pizza doesn't scream when i put it in the oven at 120 degrees.

>>9204067
where have i heard this one before?

>>9204925
Pizza also keeps quiet when I peel the toppings off

Haha epic 30 reply shaggy dog joke xd

>>9204361
to be fair, the last part kind of ruined the joke.

Fancy people adventures is the best webcomic, sad that Phil probably won't make them anymore after his wife died

>>9203955
phil elverum is comedy gold and his albums are fucking painful. how do you do that?

What's the difference between children and onions?
I cry when i cut up onions.

the one about caruthers and his horse

>>9204572
>this nigger didnt read infinite jest

>>9204113
time flies like an arrow.
fruit flies like a banana.

norm macdonald once said his kid was cutting himself so he could feel something, and he said what's wrong with feeling nothing like everybody else?

Q: Why did the moron throw the Clock out the window?

A: Because it reminded him of Richard Clock, the man convicted of knife-raping his wife.

>>9206159
poor moron has a severe case of obsessive compulsive disorder

U.P. up

>>9203955
Bob and Mary are having a lovely picnic. Bob asks, "How many women does it take to change a light bulb?"

"I don't know," says Mary.

Dumb woman, thinks Bob, his enjoyment of the social outing now totally spoiled.

>>9204093
This is what the world will actually be like in 2070...

>>9204067
>>9204939
Curb Your Enthusiasm.

A poor jewish man has a son that isn't all too enthusiastic about the Jewish faith. To instill in him a sense for his religion, he decides to scrape together some money and send him to Israel, so that he may become a proper Jew. The son agrees, goes to Israel for a number of months, and comes back a Christian.

Shocked, the Jewish man goes to talk to a friend about the incident. "I sent my Son to Israel and he became Christian, Moshe."
"You won't believe this, but this exact thing happened to me. I sent my Son to Israel and he became Christian", replies Moshe.
Perplexed, they decide to visit the local rabbi to ask for help.

They arrive and explain their stories, to which the rabbi listens. After they're done, he shakes his head and tells them: "You two won't believe this, there's now way. A number of years ago, I sent my son to Israel to study so that he may one day be my successor as rabbi, and he became a Christian as well."

The three are stunned, and in their shock, decide to ask G-d for help. They join in prayer, and the Rabbi explains their shared misery to G-d.
Suddenly, a bright light and a thundering voice appear in the room, and the voice exclaims: "You won't believe this.."

>>9204067
This is a beautiful joke.

>>9207392
good post

>>9207392
Jewish humor and jokes from former commie countries are honestly the GOAT jokes

>>9207392
Kek