In the short story I'm currently writing, there's a

That shit is mad gay

>>9084937
Depends, what is the name of the tree?

>>9084947
Samson

>>9084940
It's intended to be darkly humorous, but I'm not sure if what I wrote comes off as such.

>>9084937
If you haven't read Small Moral Works by Leopardi just give up and retry after you finished the book

>>9084960
Admittedly, I just picked the first name that came to mind.

>>9084967
What's that?

>>9084960
>>9084971
Proceed.

Know that no matter the quality of your work you will most likely be torn to shreds.

>>9084975
The book that you wants to write but it's been already written

>>9084991
Okay. Would you prefer I sent the doc link of the whole story so far, or just post what I've written here?

>>9085014
I've got no idea how long any of it is, anon.

If it'll take you more than several posts to share however much you want then perhaps use a pastebin.

>>9085034
Okay. First off, I think I'll post a short description to give some context


It's about A cheerful little goth girl with long purple hair that reaches past her waist, a frilly purple dress, and a frilly purple hat. Dangling from her lips is a fancy black cigar holder, similar to a cigarette holder but a fair bit larger. At the tip of the holder was a huge, tremendously fat purple cigar, the lit ember glowing bright violet.. She lives seemingly alone in an old, bug infested manor. Her name is Lilly Cobb.

Personality wise, she’s very cheerful and casual about things like danger and death, even when it’s her own life. She loves bugs, ghosts, and all things macabre.

A few years ago, her family was cursed and began dying one by one, leaving only Lilly left. Lilly figures that since it’s only a matter of time before she passes, she’ll make the most of it. She often thinks about what her death will be like. She predicts that it will be something spectacular, as a fitting end to her family line.
The ghosts of her family members sometimes manifest in the smoke of her cigar.

The smoke from her cigar is purple, and often forms the shapes of spiders, cobwebs, and similar things.

In front of her manor is the graveyard, where each of her family members are buried. There’s even a grave for her, thought it of course hasn’t been filled yet. She likes to sit on the tombstones while reading or talking to the ghosts of her family.
She’s about eleven years old. She’s quick to cheerfully point out that she likely won’t live to see her twelfth birthday.

She owns a large carnivorous plant in her manor’s garden that she treats like a pet.

How's that sound?

>>9085048
sounds like you read too much Pratchett

>>9085048
Sounds like you could make a killing from the tweens. Is that what you're going for?

>>9085060
I wasn't sure which demographic. Why tweens?

>>9085056
Why's that?

File: images.jpg (18KB, 328x448px) Image search: [Google]

18KB, 328x448px

>>9085066
Because the imagery is dripping with simplistic, unthreatening edginess. It's like you're trying to write a story for Emily the Strange, a brand character aimed at little girls who want to be a bit left of centre.

>>9085085
Unthreatening edginess sounds kind of like an oxymoron. I wasn't really trying for edgy, just sort of darkly humorous in a goth kind of way.

>>9085085
What seems edgy about it?

>>9085089
>>9085096
It's edgy like A Nightmare Before Christmas is edgy; Not-your-typical-family-movie (but still fun for the whole family!)

>>9085105
Alright. Here's what I've written of it so far.

http://pastebin.com/qZeXXxGk

>>9085105
>>9085111

Just so you know, it's in progress so it's not quite refined at the moment.

How is it so far?

>>9085173
If it was aimed at a younger audience (e.g., Series of Unfortunate Events) not too bad.

Already getting slightly repetitious, so I can't see a short story based only on the "quirkiness" of this girl.

>>9085223
Okay. I'm not sure it would be allowed to be aimed at a younger audience with the underage smoking in it, though.

Any parts that stand out so far?

>>9085231
That was why we hit the oxymoron before about unthreatening edginess. It's too "cutesy" to be adult, but then you have the underage smoking, preoccupation with death, etc.

I did like the bit about how many trees might die (though lose the last sentence about general things, just end with the murder line).

Careful not to overuse this style too much, you have another paragraph later with a list of why she would get rid of trees (rather than them just dying) and already there is a whiff of repetitiveness about it. That sort of works in terms of depressive rumination always leading back to the same sort of places, but you don't want to push it to the point where you bore the reader.

>>9085251
Okay, thanks. Any other suggestions for now?

>>9085255
We'll in reading it it seems like you're having fun writing it so carry on, m8.

>>9085273
Okay, thanks

>>9084967
I'll read it, I suppose.

>>9084937
Change mortality to morality and I'm in. Otherwise it's trash.

>>9085616
Why's that?

>>9085048
sounds like you're an anime watching pedofile t b h

File: image.jpg (26KB, 236x246px) Image search: [Google]

26KB, 236x246px

>>9085111
>that first sentence

>>9085630
What makes you say that?

>>9085637
What's wrong with it?

>>9085641
It would be a downgrade for J. K. Rowling if she had written it.

>>9085048
Cobb is my last name too

>>9085655
Oh, okay

What do you think of the idea?

>>9085663
Don't really have a comment except they won't let you publish a kids book with underage smoking. Why did you kill so many fellow cobbs

>>9085667
Cobb just seemed like a fitting last name, since it sounds like the first part of cobweb

>>9085111
1. opening sentence is pretty lame desu
2..you use rather too much
3.how the fuck does a little girl burn down trees with a cigar, and how does she do it without causing a forest fire?
4. fix " I think I have something of my brother’s will do that quite nicely.”"
5.A little girl smoking cigars is odd but if thats what you wanna do thats fine i guess

>>9085676
Alright, I'll change those.

>>9085637
I changed it, though it won't show up on the pastebin

File: images.jpg (33KB, 458x321px) Image search: [Google]

33KB, 458x321px

>>9085731
What did you change it to?

OP serious question, how old are you? It is pertinent to my review of your work

>>9085752
Just something less awkwardly worded.

>>9085758
Why is it pertinent?

>>9085764
Because if you're any age below 15 you should probably just give up writing and do what all other animefags do, namely either go work in animation or kys

>>9085774
I'm an adult, if you need to know. How does it make me an animefag?

>>9085048
jesus christ i thought my writing was bad
holy fucking shit dude

>>9085777
"Lilly Cobb was the little girl, probably not even twelve, standing in the manor’s front hallway. She had long, dark purple hair that reached past her waist, whether or not she tied it into pigtails. Her skin was rather pale, and her eyes and lips were both a similar shade of purple to her hair. She was wearing a frilly purple dress and a frilly purple hat. Dangling from her lips was a fancy black cigar holder, similar to a cigarette holder but a fair bit larger. At the tip of the holder was a huge, tremendously fat purple cigar, the lit ember glowing bright violet. She used one hand to hold up the cigar holder in her mouth as she paced around the front hallway."

Aside from the rest of the story, this one paragraph, in fact just the colors mentioned in this paragraph, displays clearly that most of your ideas and your experiences come from anime.

>>9085800
I don't actually watch anime. Why does the story remind you of anime?

>>9085759
What is it?

File: images.jpg (25KB, 310x475px) Image search: [Google]

25KB, 310x475px

>>9085804

>>9085805
A gust of wind blew through the air, causing the old manor to shudder and shake

>>9085111
3/10
some good ideas, premise could be better, stop focusing on purple so much unless you actually use it for the story (a symbol [it could be for death, but its a little too loose] or something like that)
Make the character cheery or gloomy, not some pretentious pseudo-intellectual. You can do better

>>9085806
I just chose purple for kind of a gothic colour. Nothing anime about it.

File: images.jpg (7KB, 200x200px) Image search: [Google]

7KB, 200x200px

>>9085806

>>9085811
Ok, I'll keep that in mind

File: unnamed.gif (463KB, 384x384px) Image search: [Google]

463KB, 384x384px

>>9085814

File: images.jpg (39KB, 328x449px) Image search: [Google]

39KB, 328x449px

>>9085820

>>9085804
Because it's the typical edgy death-related excrement that the Bible dealt with in full.

Also kek
>>9085806

File: images.jpg (27KB, 322x457px) Image search: [Google]

27KB, 322x457px

>>9085825

File: images.jpg (15KB, 293x502px) Image search: [Google]

15KB, 293x502px

>>9085831

File: images.jpg (18KB, 298x300px) Image search: [Google]

18KB, 298x300px

>>9085833
I think you get the idea.

>>9085835
So, other than purple hair, is there anything else anime about the story?

Here, I rewrote a lot of it as to what the point that I might try to make, ending it where you did

http://pastebin.com/JFkj7pzX

>>9085887
tfw copying from latex ruins formatting

>>9085887
Alright. Which anon were you?

>>9085911
im >>9085811

>>9085929
Okay, then

>>9085887
>http://pastebin.com/JFkj7pzX
>always hallucinogenic visions involved
just the average 4chan writer wannabe

>>9085939
Do 4chan writers usually put hallucinogenic visions in their stories?

>>9085942
Certainly, they are apparently obsessed with Pynchon. Hallucinations are the 4chan well received edgy-thing

>>9085944
Are they the types who come up with the "everything is a hallucination" fan theories?

>>9085947
Nah, they believe it's cool, just as you believe that edgy gothic thing it's cool.

>>9085948
I guess so

>>9085939
never read pynchon but sorry

>>9086024
Who's Pynchon?

>>9086798
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Pynchon

>>9085807
Much better.

>>9085844
It's not just the purple hair, you've stumbled upon quite a cliche anime archetype for the MC. Its the aesthetic of her purple, mystical, slightly religious Gothics, wrapped up in a cuteness and almost ditsy light-heartedness in the face of morbid content... It's quirky in a cliche way, I think she needs more depth because that kind of "whoa, she is talking about death but she's a happy little girl" is just a bit trite.

>>9087688
Okay. I don't watch anime, so that was probably coincidental.

Want me to post the full story in a pastebin when it's done?

>>9088695
Of course.

The question is... Do YOU?

>>9089086
Sure

OP, what were the last 5 books you read?

>>9089138
Why do you ask?

>>9089156
Answer the question and I'll tell you why

>>9089160
Of Mice and Men
The Lovely Bones
Metamorphosis
Interesting Times
A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court.

>>9085048
Fuck these negative people. I'm stoned so that may be impacting my taste, but I could actually imagine this as a dark yet light humored whimsical Tim Burton-y claymated looking film (or something like paranorman). It may not come across as serious as you may want it too or adult but it's definitely got.a vibe.

>>9089172
I'm not really intending it as serious, more a darkly humorous/darkly cute kind of thing.

Utter shit.
>Prose is awful
>uses archaic language incorrectly
>Protagonist is an edgy goth 11 year old anime girl who drinks and smokes
>No ideas of note are presented
Why would I read this

>>9089176
I don't recall there being drinking in the story.

>>9089167
Based on your writing it seemed that you hadn't read a book since you were in grade 8.

>>9089223
Why's that?

>>9089508
Your writing brings the feeling of a man who has a firm grasp on the rules of the language but only a distant memory of the rules of literature.

>>9089735
How so?

>>9089086
Okay, I Will

100th post. These sorts of threads don't usually get that long

Sorry but I agree with others that it's edgy instead of the dark humor you were going for. You need to put some actual humor in it, like have her say something witty.

>>9091844
Okay. I think I can do that

>>9091803
This whole thread and the story in it are gloriously crafted bait. Just look at the OP's calm and detached Louis Theroux interviewing style, even in the face of well-deserved intense bashing. His empty attitude is like the perfect Rorschach of vague autistic nothingness. There seems to be no reason for the story to even exist, not for him nor anyone else. This thread is hardcore existentialism hidden behind an ambiguous veneer that challenges /lit/s cynical norms. It's immediately obvious but deeply confusing. Purple gold.

>>9092119
>everything is a false flag psyop
take your meds

>>9092171
>everything on an anonymous Kentuckian Pixel-Crafting board is literally true
Alright, buddy. Enjoy your stay.

>>9092119
I'm not familiar with Louis Theroux

>>9089176
When was there drinking?

Your story reads like something I wrote when I was 10, except with better spelling. I don't want to insult you, but it seems like your intention is to write stories for children, but the darker undertones would make it impossible to have this published as a children's story. (And I hate to say this, but I don't think it would make the cut for a dark children's book.)

If you want to write something for adults, think about you are writing. If a detail serves no purpose, delete. Don't put more than is necessary.

This man >>9092119 has a better story in a few sentences than everything you posted.

>>9093319
Fucking hell, that's JUST the kind of naive Theroux fishing this anon >>9092119 was talking about. It's like you were literally born yesterday.

http://pastebin.com/7a1mz6pF

Here's an updated version of the story so far. It's still unfinished, but more has been written.

>>9085048
I like it.

>>9095524
Okay. Any parts you like in particular?

>>9095524
Did you see the updated version?