Anyone here hit "rock bottom", was at any point a train

Well fortunately DFW wrote their stories up for em!

>>9008836

Yes I particularly enjoyed the stoner who used to throw all his marijuana paraphernalia out and tell all his dealers never to sell to him in an attempt to quit, then would buy it all again and find new dealers.

Or the old man who did cough medicine in a bathroom and spent two days there with ants all over him.

It's just media hype. Living "rock bottom" is just like Schindler's List wiuthout any artistic merit.

“Oh fuck, it’s tomorrow!”

Not just any tomorrow, either. It’s Saint Patrick’s Day. I promised my family I’d go to my parents’ house for corned beef and cabbage. Even if it wasn’t cooked by Irish people, corned beef and cabbage would still suck. But I’m an asshole that never sees his family enough, and I’ve run out of excuses for skipping family gatherings. My family is made up of good people, me being one of the few exceptions.

I tend to overthink these kinds of things. Getting together with my family really isn’t all that bad, especially since alcohol is always involved. A lot of ball-busting and jokes, dinner, and then you get to leave. But this particular gathering is a bit different, because I have been up for two days high on crystal meth.

Two weeks ago, I ordered some meth on the internet. What a time to be alive. I only ordered a half gram to spend a weekend with, but the homie sent me two grams instead. I don’t know if it was just a fuck-up on his part or a slick move to get me strung out and hooked. If it was the latter, it worked. Very well.

Which brings us to now. It’s 6 AM, I’m tweaking, and trying to drink myself to sleep. I want off of the ride. But in order to get off, I need (at least) two days to catch up on sleep, eat, and cry to myself about how things got to this point. I don’t have two days. I barely have a few hours. I elect to chug the rest of this whiskey and set an alarm for 10 AM. Sleep is a necessity, as I’d rather my mother not have to learn what stimulant psychosis is at the dinner table.

When I awaken I’m so strung out and weak that I can’t even keep my eyes open. My chest hurts and my tongue is stuck to the roof of my very dry mouth. I remember this feeling from my nights of heavy drinking and MDMA use. I’m still pretty drunk, too. I know that my only means of escape from this bed is a shot of meth. Here we go…

I never should’ve started shooting this toxic shit. I’ve tried my best to keep the vein damage and track marks to a minimum these last two weeks, but there’s only so much you can do when you’re injecting meth. Even though I used a fresh spike every time, my arms are covered in grotesque track marks and huge black and blue bruises. Shockingly enough, tweakers don’t have the steadiest of hands, and I’ve missed more than a few times. I do my shot. The rush isn’t even pleasurable anymore. My heart races and my palms sweat. How my body still has any liquid inside of it after all this is beyond me.

Good Lord, I look like shit. Almost like a person that’s been tweaking for two weeks straight. I’m sickly looking, with bags under my eyes. My face is even paler than usual and I’ve lost five to ten pounds. My pupils are huge too. Fuck, man. No amount of cold showers and black coffee can level me out of this one. But I try anyway.

>>9009056

All I can do is try to act natural, which is easier said than done. I can barely focus on the road as I drive, since all I can think about is what a piece of shit I am. Driving to go see my family drunk and on crystal meth. There seems to be no low that I won’t stoop to. Thankfully I make it to my parents’ house in one piece and without ruining anyone else’s life.

Everyone is already here. I don’t think anyone is on to me yet, except for my Dad. He knew something was up the second he saw my strung-out ass. You can’t bullshit a bullshitter, and my Dad is a master bullshitter. He’s been clean for years now, but he still knows every trick in the god damn book. “You ok, son?” He whispers to me sympathetically as I walk into the living room. God damn it, this is brutal already. That “I’m genuinely concerned for you as a friend or family member and am scared you’re going to die” inflection is the worst. I’ve had a lot of “we need to talk about your drug use” talks over the years, and the angry “WHY CAN’T YOU JUST STOP BEING SUCH A FUCK-UP!?!” ones are so much easier than the supportive, calm, ones. “Yeah, Dad. I’m fine.”

I make myself a very stiff Jameson and coke and have a seat at the table. My younger sister sits next to me. I’m proud of her. She’s the exact opposite of me. She works hard and does well in school. She doesn’t use her rough upbringing as an excuse to use drugs and wallow in self-pity like I do. “You look like you lost weight.” She mentions as she stares at the mess that is her older brother. “Yeah I’ve just been…” Everything stops. I cannot do words right now. Yup, I’m having a brain zap. These are common with stimulant drug abuse. You’re sitting there, having an inane and illogical conversation, and then… nothing. The crystal took the words right out of my mouth. I snap my fingers, say a lot of “um’s” and “fuckin’s” to start my brain up again. “…Eating less shitty food. Sorry, I was out late last night…”

I barely say a word while my relatives talk amongst themselves at the table. Mentally, I checked out days ago. I am on auto-pilot and every time I open my mouth this becomes more and more apparent. My mother brings out the corned beef and cabbage. I have never been this unhappy to see food in my entire life. The thought of eating nauseates me, despite not having done so in two days. But I can’t just not eat. That would blow what little cover I have left, if any.

>>9009061

I swallow the bits of corned beef and cabbage like pills. I almost gag and puke right there at the table. “Come on Harry, it’s not that bad!” My uncle jokes. “Hehe, my drink went down the wrong pipe, I guess.” I croak back. “You still working at the pharmacy?” My aunt asks me. “Yup. Still there.” Shit, that’s right, I do still work at the pharmacy. Doing exactly what I was doing when I was 19 years old. I punch the same clock as legitimately retarded people. My job can be performed regardless of having little to no grasp on the English language. It’s funny how real life fades to static when your world revolves around getting high. Then, when you least expect it, it kicks back in, and it’s loud and unnerving as all Hell. My aunt isn’t drunk enough to comment on the severe lack of progress in my life and I’m very thankful for that.

I can barely get half the plate down before I have to tap out. I shouldn’t have drank so much so quickly. Jesus Christ, acting normal is hard. It used to be so easy. Everyone’s talking about TV shows they’re watching or movies that have come out recently. Cable and Netflix cost money, so I have neither of them. “You don’t watch Game of Thrones?!?” My little cousin asks in shocked disbelief. “Nah. Never seen it.” I reply robotically. “I’m going out for a smoke. Care to join me?” My Dad asks. Ah fuck, here it comes…

We smoke on the back deck in tense silence until my Dad finally pipes up. “You sure you’re alright brotha? You look rough.” “Yeah, Dad, I’m fine… really. Just had a rough night, you know?” My Dad reaches into his pocket and pulls out two pills. “Well, you know that if you’re struggling with anything, you need anything, you can call me. I’ve been through it all, I know how it goes.” He dumps a couple of his Ativan out into his palm. “I know that, back when I would have a rough night, I’d pray that a few of these would fall out of the sky. I feel like you could use some of these right now.” I just nod and put them in my pocket. “Thanks, Dad.” “Don’t take them until you’re home and you’ve sobered up a little. And lay off the Jameson, you’re driving.”

Everything comes to a boil as I walk back inside. Free drugs are free drugs, and who wouldn’t be pumped to be handed some benzos after a meth binge? But not when your Dad has to give them to you. He knows I’ve gone off the deep end at this point, and he’ll find out just how badly eventually. My brain has been depleted of serotonin and dopamine. Throw some whiskey and shame over that and you’ve got a recipe for a breakdown. I’m gonna lose it if I don’t level out with more crystal. I head to the bathroom and mix up a shot. There’s a knock at the door while I tie off. “Just a minute!” I snarl with my belt clenched between my teeth.

>>9009068

Of course, I can’t find a fucking vein. Dehydration always constricts my veins. It takes me almost ten minutes to finally hit and my arms are covered in blood. I go to check the medicine cabinet after I wash my arms, but stop just short of opening it. “Really, dude?” I leave the bathroom to find my sister waiting outside. This just gets better and better. I mumble out a “Sorry...” as I walk past her and go to the living room.

I make up a lie about having to go to work and leave as quickly as possible. “Be safe, remember what I said.” My Dad says as I hurry out. I put my meth in my sock and ditch my needle out of the window as I drive. Only break one law at a time. With my high tolerance to alcohol and the crystal coursing through my veins, I am surprisingly lucid as I drive. But in the eyes of the law, I’m driving drunk. It just dawned on me that it’s Saint Patrick’s Day, the day of drunks, and the cops might be anticipating people doing the same dumb shit that I am doing. But the luck of the Irish prevails, and I make it home safely.

Crystal meth might be the only drug I’ve ever been scared straight with. It’s just too damn powerful for its own good. The first night or two of partying is fun, but god damn does it turn its back on you quickly. I no longer wish to tweak, and debate taking the Ativan. The benzos would put me out of my misery and get me some much needed rest. But the depression and shame compel me to run back into the loving arms of heroin. Yeah, I could really go for some heroin right about now.

I call Slim first. He’s rarely late and is the most professional connect I have. He drives a nice car, but not too nice. He doesn’t dress like a thug, because he doesn’t have to. His eyes do all the intimidation for him. “Sup, bruh. Haven’t seen you in a minute.” He says as he closes the door to my apartment. “Yeah, tried the quitting thing, didn’t work out so good.” I mumble back. “Hehe, heard that before. This new shit’s pretty fucking crazy, though. Take it slow, ‘specially if you been off it for a while.” “I certainly hope you’re not just blowing smoke up my ass here, Slim, and that this heroin is indeed good enough to potentially kill me.” “Thanks, man. I’ll be careful.” “No problem, bruh. You got my number.”

I can barely discern the bruises and my veins at this point. I’m out of fresh needles and have to use an old one, which gets duller and duller with each failed attempt to register. My jaw aches as I bite down harder on my belt in frustration. “FUCK!” I take a moment to compose myself as blood runs down my arms and I try to hold back the tears. After taking a deep breath, I steady my hands, tie off again, and…

>>9009069

An overturned chair, an old needle, drugs everywhere, and a body covered in dried blood. My room looks like a crime scene. “What the fuck happened? It’s 10 PM, have I discovered time travel?” I landed on my chest, apparently, and now have a nice big bruise there to match my arms. “Maybe an angel came down from heaven and beat my chest until I returned to consciousness, saving my life.” This retarded idea makes me giggle childishly as I stumble to bed. I’m way too high for the gravity of the situation to truly sink in. I don’t care, and I love it.

I can finally get some sleep.

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>>9009056
>>9009061
>>9009068
>>9009069
>>9009073
pretty cool

>>9009056
>>9009061
>>9009068
>>9009069
>>9009073

This is actually amazing, but read it before.

>>9008862
>Or the old man who did cough medicine in a bathroom and spent two days there with ants all over him.
Is that from IJ? Id like to read that story

>>9009146

Yes. I think it might have been the same guy who put cats in industrial strength bin bags and killed them.

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>>9008862
Ugh, marijuana and cough syrup, DFW is such a fucking plebe.

A poor writer and a poor thinker who does drugs like a 15 year old.

“Oh man whoa, I am so addicted to marijuana. I better go to MA to overcome it. Then I will fictionalize my struggle so the world can know of this interesting and compelling plight.”

Christ grow up and do opiates, amphetamines and psychedelics. Experience real highs and real addictions if you are going to write about it. Not how your gross retarded ass got high and ate three cans of frosting.

People who have usually want to forget it. It's ridiculous to romanticize that kind of thing, it's not even that interesting to the person living it. I mean in the categories of drug/alcohol/homeless.

It's shameful for a reason.

>>9009280

He did a lot of acid when he was 12/13, which he advised against.

>>9008862
>>9009224

you are fuckin retarded get your IJ straight
randy lenz (not an old man) killed cats and poor tony krause (not an old man) is withdrawling from heroin when he hallucinates the ants

>>9009371
Source?

>>9009146
it's pretty early into the book too, dude smokes insane amounts of weed to the point of being completely immobilized for days, dfw just lays it out in an immensely hilarious way, would recommend

>>9009280
plebby comment

t. functional opiate addict (pharmaceuticals only, fent at times though)

I quit my job and spontaneously travelled to the Balkans so I could live off my savings and spend my days exploring and drinking. Some might consider that "degenerate" but it was the best few months of my life.

>>9010126
Me, I made it up.

>>9008830
>ctrl+f
>no Mary Gaitskill
Look her up, OP. She was a prostitute for a bit, and is a damn good writer

Not exactly what you ask for but Genet was close from prostitution and crime all through his life (before he started to write he was stealing expensive books and re-selling them). Also greek sailor Kavvadias wrote about life on cargos and stops through prostitution and crime world in "The Shift". There is also this autobiography from young german prostitute and heroin addict ("Christiane F.") Sorry for bad English, I'm not native-English speaker

>>9010133
I was talking about the cough syrup scene not the weed addict scene

>>9008830
I was a freight train rider for nearly a year. Wasnt a junkie but at one point I did smoke meth under a bridge for two straight days. Not sure if I qualify.

I lived in a hotel in SA for a while that had a few "regulars" who were in the cartel/drug dealers/smugglers/addicts. Afterwards I was "homeless" and living in Brazil working a variety of shit jobs as an illegal immigrant.

A couple times I'd get tropical infections that would leave me bed ridden for days, at one point I thought my dick would fall off from an infection, but I was able to get antibiotics so it just ended up oozing blood and puss for three days instead.

A nigger threatened me with a metal pipe in Brazil a couple times because I got in a fight with a shitty boss I was working for and she told him she'd give him cocaine if he beat me up. He was too much of a pussy to actually do it though.

All in all it was a good time.

>>9010424
What convinced you to smoke meth? Where were you train hopping? I've been thinking about doing it myself come spring.

>>9010560
being alcoholic
t. meth smoker

>>9008830
Check out William T Vollmann's - Rainbow Stories

>>9010560
I don't know. I didn't drink at the time and I was stuck in Colton California waiting on a train to SLC and was bored and the opportunity arose. We flew signs and bought a bunch of meth. After it was over I had been up for 72 ish hours ND my muscles felt like they were being digested or rotting. Me and the girl I was with got on an engine unit and lay on the floor in misery for about 20 hours.

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>>9008830
Did a 60 day stint at a fancy rehab in Utah for oxycontin. Have stories if anyone's interested.

>>9009287
I don't think OP necessarily is romanticizing the thing. It just seems like he's curious about degenerate lifestyles as he's never lived one. That and I believe he thinks hearing someone's war-stories will spark creative inspiration in him.

>>9010560
To your second question:. I'm from SC and I went across the country. I wanted to see the Pacific and the west. I did. It was okay.

>>9010639
go for it

>stopped sleeping
>would frequently get 2 hours of sleep at most or just stay awake until the next night
>developed auditory and visual hallucinations
>hearing weird whispery voices and seeing demons. Think there's two people living in my basement plotting to kill me.
>become paranoid. Every car that drives by is the government coming to get me.
>there's something around every corner that's going to get me. Can't close my eyes for more then a second because I start to see shit.
>can only fall asleep from exhaustion
>can't even find peace there. Have horrible nightmares that I wake up screaming and sweating from
>look like a crackhead
>death and suicide constantly on my mind

I don't how because my memory from that period is terrible but somehow I managed to get out of it.

>>9008830
I once found myself blowing my middle school gym teacher while strung out on oxycontin and adderall without realizing who it was. That was a pretty surreal experience.

I wake up. My room is cold and dark, the air smells like moldy cheese. I crawl from my hovel of pillows to my only computer. Pissing into a bottle I relieve myself. I turn the computer screen on and inject 50cc of dank memes straight outta 4chan. It's twelve hours later and I only realize it now. I have been shitposting all day. I sleep.

>>9010668
Was this while you were in middle school?

>>9010698
I was in high school at the time.

>Be me
>16 years old
>a skating injury from three years before got me on pain pills.
>Fellow junkie highschooler traded me his adderall for percosets
>Blasted on amphetamines, I get crazy horny
>Post on craigslist about wanting to suck cock
>Get a message with a picture of a fit older guy from the neck down
>Tell him I need a ride to his house because I dont have a car.
>He picks me up. I'm so nervous I cant look him in the eye
>We ride to his house, He feels me up as we drive.
>Get to his place, go into his bathroom to snort more adderall
>As I come out, see a picture of him and his kids
>Suddenly realize I go to school with his son
>Suddenly realize he is in fact my gym teacher from three years ago
>Come back into the living room where he has a basketball game on
>He pulls his cock out and beckons me over
>I suck him off for about 5 minutes.
>He holds me down and comes in my mouth
>I spit his cum out on his lap and he gets up to clean himself up.
>See his wallet on the table next to the couch
>take all the cash out of his wallet while hes away
>He comes back out and gives me a ride home
>I try to jack off, but the pills wont let me cum
>go to bed and cry myself to sleep.

>>9010757
>>9010667
This thread did a better job at convincing me not to do hard drugs than the DARE program ever could.

>>9010757
I guarantee you're masturbating to this post right now

>>9010773
Nope. I was pretty fucking terrified for a long time because I thought I probably got AIDS from the dude. It was a sickening and humiliating experience and I'm glad I got my shit together afterwards.

>>9010757
I have an eerily similar story:
>I was 16 as well, Lived in temporary Corporate Housing with my dad.
>Dad is gone for the day
>Take two 30mg adderall IR and begin reading the end of Anna Karenina
>After three hours I realize I was coming down and had trouble focusing so
>I snorted three more 30mg, making it 150mg
>I finish Anna Karenina in pure ecstacy and masturbate, trying to message some female friends and ended up just creeping them out
>So I installed Grindr, at 3AM
>I started to feel insurmountable pressure in my head, so I took three xanax (I was selling at the time)
>The guy picked me up, he was an overweight black guy
>The dude was super nice and not creepy at all, just sort of had bad hygeine
>He suddenly says we need lube, so he'll pulls up into a sex shop and we go in and buy lube
>We get the lube and then go back to the corporate housing
>I suck him off for a while, feeling a little empty headed and disgusted with myself
>The guy eventually fucked me, which was incredibly painful but I didn't show it
>Once we were done fucking I heard the front door open, it was my dad
>By some miracle I got the 40 year old, overweight black guy out of my house and my dad was none the wiser.
>Just glad I didn't get fucking AIDS as well

>>9010164
I'm really tempted on doing something like that. not only would it be liberating, but I would like to think that you could pick up a language or two.

>>9010639
did you grow up in utah or did someone send you there?

>>9010845
Serbian is a very difficult language to learn. I picked up on quite a bit of vocabulary and memorizing certain phrases, but if i wanted to get a deeper understanding for the language I would have studied some grammar before I went.

>>9010788
from your fucking gym coach? I get the sickening part, you probably regretted it halfway through but you didn't have the resolution to stop.

>Senior year of High School
>Get 2,000 research chemical xanax pills from an undisclosed source
>Sell them to the rest of the high school, eventually becomes a quasi-epidemic
>One person crashed into a light pole and was seriously injured while driving on it
>Countless others were caught by their parents with it and sent off to rehab
>Only make like $6,000 which melts in my hands like snow
>One night someone attempts to rob me (with a knife)
>I overpower him, take it a little overboard with the beating and leave him in a ditch with more psychological scars than physical
>Said kid commits suicide 6 weeks later
>Work a normal job now, have a normal family in a normal suburb,
>Couldn't have turned out better for me but I live with the knowledge that I am a shit human being

>>9010874
>I live with the knowledge that I am a shit human being
You let one action you committed define you as a shitty person? Come on, anon.

>>9010890
Thanks for the consolation Anon. I really do appreciate it.

>>9010402
cough medicine could fuck you up more than most drugs tho

>>9008830
This is Burroughs' best book desu

>>9010126
Although of course you end up becoming yourself by David Lipsky

>>9008830
>Lived in an abandoned house for 3 months
>Remarkably had water and electricity
>Found an OG Xbox and TV on the side of the road
>Stole DVDs and books from the library
>Did drugs that entire time
>Realized if I was ever gonna be a great artist I'd have to reform

I reformed and live a normal life now. I still remember that time fondly

You guys need to start specifying what chemicals or plants you were consuming. It's hard to take these tales seriously when you hear shit like "addicted to drugs". Huge red flag.

>>9010890
I raped my girlfriend when I was drunk. I'd been a budding, if not full-blown, alcoholic in highschool. It's pretty hard not letting that define you. Other anon should live his life, but they should know that the regret they feel makes them a conscionable human. I'm under the impression I don't deserve forgiveness. I'm not saying this because I hate myself, or any other rapist or criminal, but because Christianity and its onus on "turning the cheek" and "forgiving" doesn't create introspective, caring people. It creates apathy, a greyness of morality, and fake redemption.

>>9012394
Not really. After a point you'll experiment with whatever comes your way.

>>9010863
Native Serbian speaker here.
AMA, if you want.

>>9008830
I started at rock bottom and am now finally done.

>>9012394
As you like

>smoked my lungs into COPD by age 21 with weed and tobacco.
>the list of medications I have been prescribed is literally longer than my resume, all kinds of old school antidepressants, a few ssri's, a number of anti-psychotics, benzo's, dexamfetamine, and a bunch of off label stuff.
>used to drink until black out quite frequently just to escape my conscious state of distress.
>after 20 I went on to do everything under the sun for about 7/8 years.
>speed, ketamine, lsd, DOC, 2cb, ghb, shrooms/truffles, MDMA, various research benzo's and dissociatives, nos, oxycodon, tramadol, codeine, salvia and I'm probably still forgetting a bunch.

I am writing a book but it's not about drugs.
Social interaction compels me to bomb my brain with some sort of substance after a few hours, I'm exhaustingly alert around people and can't shut it off, I start analyzing their strengths and weaknesses and how they may be destroyed or manipulated or otherwise influenced, it's an automatic thing ingrained deeply in my thought pattern on account of being raised in a hostile environment.

>spend my last 2 years of high school and first 3 years of college doing every drug I could get my hands on
>other than a few questional sexual encounters and one overdose / suicide attempt don't really have any crazy degenerate horror stories

I never hit "rock bottom" whatever that means, but hard drugs, especially heroin and meth are damn shitty

all my interesting stories tend to be more lighthearted or funny ones while being on psychs or coke

I did meet some "rock bottom" degenerates though, who had some horrible stories like this one kid (like 17 when I met him) whose mum forced him to do meth when he was like 11 years old to prove to someone she was selling to that it was safe

>>9012729
Do you know if there's a demand for native English speakers to teach in your country? Not necessarily only in public schools but also private foreign language schools. I'd love to live in serbia for a year or so.

>>9012947
actually, now that I think of it, this story is pretty degenerate fun:

>have a friend who I used to do speed with in high school
>hadn't seen him in a few years so not really sure what happened but apparently he was homeless and then put in a mental institution
>for some reason or another (probably while I'm drunk because this was a bad idea) I contact him and ask if he can get me some good ice I'll do it with him
>says he doesn't do it anymore and is trying to stay clean, but tells me he can get me some
>figure once I buy it he'll change his mind and want to do it anyway
>apparently he has "turned his life around" and has a maintenance job at a hotel which his "friend's dad" owns
>has a place to live with 2 other people
>I meet him in their room at this hotel, really shitty looking motel place in trailor-trash part of town
>normal looking black dude is sleeping on the couch
>my friend is watching TV
>my friends "friend" who got him the job and the room looks fucking insane, eyes are bloodshot, huge bags, pale skin, scabs everywhere, the dude is clearly tweaking because he keep twitching and picking at his skin
>think to myself goddamn it, there's no way my friend is staying clean
>my friend introduces me to the tweaker, tries to convience me he's a good guy
>the tweaker is actually pretty polite and introduces himself
>from the main room I can see into the kitchen where there's clearly a bunch of rigs laying out and pill bottles
>lose trust in what I'm doing, ask my friend to leave with me so I can talk to him in private
>tweaker suddenly starts rambling incoherently
>we start to walk towards the door
>tweaker suddenly jumps in front of the door, starts screaming "WHAT WERE YOU TALKING ABOUT I KNOW YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT ME WHERE IS IT WHATDID YOU TAKE WHER AFUCKING I KNOW YOU TALKED ABOUT ME SECERTLY" etc etc
>my friend tries to calm him down, talking him down
>my friend empties his pockets and asks me to do the same
>I do, realize I don't have anything to defend myself with and being slightly drunk hope for the best
>tweaker calms down
>I walk outside into the hallway, friend says wait up because he wants grab his back
>door shuts
>5 minutes go by
>suddenly huge crash
>screaming coming from the tweaker again, same incoherent rambling about "WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT ME BEHIND MY BACK"
>hear more crashes
>prepare myself and reluctantly open the door to make sure my friend is okay
>tweaker is standing in corner of the room with this INSANE look on his face, huge eyes twitching all over
>holding a nail gun presumably from his maintenance/repair job

cont

>>9013019
>he jerks his head towards me and I duck behind the door
>hear the nailgun shoot like 10 times
>but it isn't even coming towards me, at this point get scared as fuck for my friend's life and peek back inside
>realize the nails are just launching and falling to the floor when he pulls the trigger
>he lets out a final scream and lunges towards my friend who is hiding behind the couch
>instead of shooting my friend, he puts the nailgun point blank to the sleeping (?) dude's stomach
>launches a nail into his stomach
>friend dashes out towards me while the tweaker is kind of flipping over the couch
>dude on the couch doesn't even move or flinch
>I run down the hall and down the stairs, friend is coming close behind me (with his goddamn bag)
>let him in my car, he instructs me not to call the police
>we end up going to hardee's, he goes outside every couple of minutes to make calls before he asks me to drop him off at another house where he assures me is a safe place he can spend the night
>never hear about the tweaker again
>never find out if the guy on the couch was dead or overdosed or what
>ask my friend what's in his bag anyway
>its his bong and like 3 nintendo 64 games

>>9009133
Read it where? Would love to read more from that author.

>>9010874
He tried to rob you with a knife he's lucky you didn't kill him out of sel-defense then and there.

Besides, he probably killed himself due to other reasons: keep in mind if we was a robber he probably was going through some rough times. I doubt you beating him up would be the reason he killed himself.

>>9012906
>MDMA with ssri's
You're lucky to be alive

>>9013111
I didn't combine those, it spans over a decade, most of the medication was before my 20's, most of the drugs post 20's. Despite my extensive degeneracy I did thoroughly read up on everything before trying, I took care to avoid too dangerous combinations and to always read up on whatever I was taking before taking it.

I had much closer calls than that, the immediate fear of death after a seizure left enough of an impression to change.

>>9012966
>>>9012729
>Do you know if there's a demand for native English speakers to teach in your country? Not necessarily only in public schools but also private foreign language schools. I'd love to live in serbia for a year or so.
Absolutely none. We have too many of native English learned teachers who still are unemployed because corruption is through the roof

>>9008830

No. I was born to a great family and now I'm a lawyer. I can exercise discipline and judgment and thus have no real vices. Life is fulfilling and rewarding and I enjoy what I do and I'm working to get published in my free time.

>>9008830
Right here homie. Ask me whatever you want. There's not much glamorous about rock bottom desu. "Rock bottom" for me was mostly drug addiction, being extremely poor, lonely, and bordering on homeless

>>9009371
I also did this, not that young though. I was very interested in acid from the time i was 12/13, but it wasn't until I was 15 I managed to get my hands on it. I would trip every time I could afford to, usually every weekend or every other weekend. I did tons of other psychedelics too, up until 17 when I had one bad trip too many. Nowadays I can't touch it, i'm pretty sure i'll lose my sanity if I do. I sometimes find myself reminiscing about that euphoria and peace that comes with LSD, but i'm too scared of having a final nightmare trip that sends me over the edge.

I did try a very small amount of LSD earlier this year, at the urging of a roommate. We took 2 hits and cut them up among I think 4 or 5 people, I took the smallest hit, and after a few minutes I freaked out and went to the bathroom to spit it out. I didn't really trip, but I got that familiar feeling again, felt really off and like something bad was going on, reminded me exactly of my last few trips.

Maybe in many years, when i've self-improved a lot and gotten over all my hangups, become a person I can be proud of, maybe then i'll be willing to try LSD again, but for now it's not meant to be.

>>9013253
you don't have to be a show off. I wish I were dead so yeah

>>9013046

terrysfriendharry.com/

Herion feels like god shows up revealing itself to be the love of your dreams, embracing you in a warm cozy bed until the trip is over.

The problem with herion nothing else in this world can make you feel so loved, so content with your experience and existence in one moment.

If a Christian was to feel the warm touch of angel, it would be the defining moment of their entire life.if you parents said everything you ever wanted them to say to you in one moment you would never forget. Now you know why, I sell my soul for a hit.

"It's better to have loved and have lost, then to have never loved at all"

Look into my addicts eyes and see if this true.

>>9013385
Kys

Drug addicts disgust me.
Meanwhile, I have history of spending 20 bucks at wendys then going to mcdonalds and spending 20 bucks there in a single night without stopping.
I eventually got pancreatitis from doing that so much, had to detox in the hospital like seven times. I would eat tons of food at once, then get constricted in horrible pain and drive myself to the ER where they'd put me up in the hospital for a couple days keeping me NPO(not eating anything, saline drip). What was worse is that I enjoyed the hospital stay because it was a huge adrenaline rush and the pain medicine. So I kind of cycled like that for about a year, sometimes heading into the ER twice a month.

I didn't learn anything from that experience, basically still dead set on downing ridiculous amounts of food. In my opinion, it's the lamest addiction possible I can think of. There's wasn't any real danger, I was just ramming my head into a brick wall I could see a mile away over and over and knowing full well what I was doing.

So, then I hit the so-called rock bottom in a different way. Since I was intent on staying in the hospital, even though I felt better, the doctor had to put me on a feeding tube because they didn't want me to even have a liquid diet. They did that to me before and they put me out for putting in the feeding tube, this time they tried to do it when I was awake and a went literal ape mode, screeching and such. I was perfectly rational in my head, thinking "what the fuck am I doing" and after that I gained a severe anxiety about going to the hospital.

The thing that stopped me from binge eating was the treatment I got when I pushed the limits of medical care. Even then, for a bunch of months after that I spent tons on food, I just made sure to eat an amount that wouldn't send me to the hospital.
I'm doing better now, but I'm still pretty retarded.
Yesterday, my doctor was all excited because I cut all my bad numbers down and I told her my diet went to shit again. I'm back on the wagon again, but it's a very sensitive set of precarious beliefs that I've made up for myself that maintains my fragile mindset.
I'm merely more afraid of getting treatment at the hospital for pancreatitis then I am about overeating. When that fear goes away, then I have no problem binging.
Since I started writing I've saved money at least, because I spend most of the time thinking about how everything I write is shit instead of bingeing every chance I get.

>>9013360

Sorry man. Buy you lunch?

>>9008830
I lived under 3 bridges, in 3 hammocks, and in 2 caves over a period of 6 years. Never cared much for opiates benzos or amphetamines but I binged tryptamines at an average rate of twice weekly for that time and worked hard to convince a few generations of highschoolers I was some enlightened indigo child and that the best thing they could do with their lives is to skip school and join in my adventures and of course have sex with me.

Honestly there's not much to tell. Lots of stupid people and general excuse making, blame displacing, and image consciousness. I got arrested a few times. There were lots of parties and what at the time I thought were deep conversations. My memory is obviously quite patchy. Luckily the further I got into my twenties, the more I felt pathetic until I moved away, stopped tripping, started reading and went to college and realized my messianic delusions were old hat.

I've tried many times to write my adventures into any kind of story but the sad truth is that what was super cool when you were seventeen is pretty one-dimensional, repetitive, and unoriginal when you've read a few things and made it to the latter half of your twenties. Now I just have to live with the guilt of still being the same guy that did all that, and wonder how many of those ruined lives were my fault.

>>9014108
Where the fuck did you find two caves?

>>9013537
Youre addicted to the cycle of becoming, ceasing and passing

youre no different than an addict

>>9014115
He obviously knows that.

>>9014111
One was a concrete drainage tunnel under a road that all the kiddos called "the cave." The other was an actual cave in arizona.

>>9012906

Mind explaining the social interactions bit further? I also find it incredibly difficult to interact with others in a comfortable way. It's usually exhausting, and I end up shutting down and losing all productivity afterwards. I'm not an addict, tho I started smoking weed last year and it got to a point where I would just isolate myself, smoke weed, masturbate, etc. I gave it up, but I've always worried that I'm susceptible to abusing substances (runs in the family) if things ever got bad enough. Would just like to hear from someone else for whom daily interactions is a struggle. I'm by no means resentful; I'd like to learn how to connect with others more.

>>9014140
Not that anon, but I also got into drugs---opiates and heroin specifically---because it helped me function in social settings. The waves of euphoria and general mental buzz silenced that consistent nagging voice of anxiety, self-consciousness, and unjustified regret.

Heroin made me a better person. Now to quit...

>>9012633
I have no sympathy for rapists. I hope you drown in the bottle at a young age.

>>9008830
>Anyone here hit "rock bottom",

I could have hit rock bottom, but then I thought I had many times only to discover there was more depth to my ignorance than even I imagined (which, I learned, is the way of ignorance). But I'm not your average street Joe. I switched it up. I'd go on the street for a while--for inspiration, to learn and to remain humble--and then I'd go back to work and advance a computer career.
I still understand and somewhat relate to the homeless and those living in poverty, but I would be as capable in a boardroom presenting to managers and directors (if I could stomach being around so many busyness types that are so mentally challenged that I want to puke all over their shiny clothes). I study in several science and social areas so it's unlikely I'll ever have dementia as many my age will. I can write in complete sentences, you may note.
I don't regret pushing myself to suffer so much on the street, to move past most of my ignorance (and it is hard out there, except for those who don't feel anything). My classmates are still the emotionally immature four-year-olds they were when I left them for adventures; and something more than drinking every night while watching an idiot box...decade after decade. Most of them may have houses and cars, but they lack spirit, wisdom and, worst of all, they lack self-compassion and self-fulfillment. Most of them have only debt, worry and regrets. I have little--and little to worry about--but if I die I think my soul is safe. My karma is well cared for.

>>9008830
So I had this horrible amphetamine bender a month or so ago.

After two straight weeks on speed I was walking from my ini to the metro station and stumbled into the alleyways, because at that point, I could either think or pick a direction. So I see this graffiti of a naked woman on one of the walls - it's rough, unfinished, mostly a schematic rather than any detailed representation, with crude tits and overemphasised vagina. Something clicks within me and I remember that I haven't had any interest in sex for the last week, the area is completely erased from my mind. my brain comes to a conclusion that I'm slowly losing what makes me human - desire to voice myself, to create, but what's on the bring of fading is any desire to be with another human. I freak out. There's only one solution: I need to awaken the flame back again lest it disappears for good - that is to say, to jack off to this simplistic drawing. The problem is it's freezing (-15 C), the alley is empty but probably not for long, and metro closes in half an hour. I try to move and I can't, I'm paralyzed by the thought. My dick is hard.

I jacked off, but it sucked.

>>9014394
Uninterested in sex but able to easily get hard and cum, on speed. Right. That sounds totally real. Do your research.

I'm an actual drug addict who's currently smoking black tar heroin I purchased from Los Angeles' skid row and is on my way to pick up another gram from my main plug.

I've been in the dope game since 12 (I'm 25 at the moment). I became addicted to opiates at 18 and have been a career criminal since with the occasional attempt at going straight. Most of what you hear/read about drugs and the criminal lifestyle is totally fugazi. If you have any questions I'd be happy to answer, I've been a drug dealer, bookmaker, quasi pimp and stick up kid. AMA

>>9010757
>>9010831

Both gay? Both Girls? Hard to tell

>>9008830
Sure, I was there.
I'm still crawling out of the hole I dug.
Don't recommend it.

>>9014720
I can't speak for the first post, but I am a dude and it was a gay hookup, hence the grindr.

I was an alcoholic for about 15 years.

I was homeless a few times, though not really "homeless" homeless a lot, there's all kinds of places that will take you in. Most hardcore homeless are the people who's schizo or habit is so far gone these places won't even take them in.

As far as rock bottom, mine was pretty boring, like actually a lot of people's are. I had just been drunk for like 3 days, I think I drank like 9 bottles of sake, 2 bottles of vodka, a bunch of beer and painkillers, and I was trying to talk to this guy about a music video I saw on youtube, and I wasn't even making sense to myself. It was just the point where I knew this couldn't go on any longer, not just that I didn't want it to as I didn't want it to for years, but I just knew this physically couldn't go on any longer. Got into rehab and all that stuff after it.

I wrote two books while drinking, which I really like but couldn't get them published. Working on SSs right now. I wrote a book while in rehab, which I basically laid out my entire philosophy of addiction, and even life, but I dunno, might be way too out there for most people.

>>9014233

Same tbqh. Alcoholism is no excuse.

>>9014673

Tell me about your early days dealing. About being a pimp. Lastly, how's the heroin? You think there is any chance I can do it once and drop it? Ever did opium? How was it? How's your living situation right now? Thanks in advance

>>9014233
>>9014804
You guys are more sociopathic than he is. Honestly, fuck you guys, 4chan disappoints me sometimes. If we don't accept alcoholic rapists here, then jesus, who the fuck do we accept, you fucking whiny liberals.

I returned from a 10-day Goenka Vipassana six days ago. It was my first retreat. Following the retreat I've experienced changes in perception that haven't budged, even though I've done no formal meditation since. As a psychologist, I'm worried that what I'm experiencing seems to have a large amount of overlap with a dissociative disorder, as some of the phenomonelogy is similar to what peope who are experiencing derealization and deporsonalization describe. Similar reports can be found of DR/DP support forums. I don't know if all of this is because I've gotten "deep" or if the meditation and stress on retreat have triggered something for me. Psychologically, I have few risk factors: I'm generally emotionally stable, high functioning, have exerienced no significant traumas, had a wonderful upbrinding, am financially comfortable and have a good support network. However, I have dabbled with recreational drugs in the past, which can be a risk factor; I also experienced severe stress on retreat, which can be a trigger. In terms of dharma, my teacher is Kenneth Folk, who I have been working with for a short time; he believes I made it up to the 10th Vipassana Nana, Re-Observation on retreat.

--

I can presently really relate to the "Headless Man" phenomenon described in Sam Harris's book 'Waking Up'. I have much less of a sense of "me" up there beind my eyes. It like my head is hollow, empty. I feel that I'm "just seeing" -- I have less of a sense of anyone up there doing there seeing. I also feel less attachment to my body.

I can also relate to the 3-D glasses effect discussed in Dr. Robert Foreman's 'Enlightement A'int What It's Cracked Up To Be'. I have seen few references to this outside of it. It is like something has changed with my depth perception. While I initially thought the 3-D effect was a good description, it could also be that my brain has stopped creating the illusion of object permanance; if a water bottle is facing me I only have a visual sense of the side I'm seeing; I logically know it is rough and has a back, but I'm only visually aware of the image I see of it. From that perspective, the visual experience could also be described as things looking somewhat more 2-D. Apologies if that seems illogical or paradoxical. My visual field also looks like I'm playing a first-person video game, like my perhipheral vision is integrated, and I'm just seeing what's on my visual screen - I am my visual screen.

I initally enjoyed visual changes on retreat, as it seemed like everything was clearer and more vibrant. However, now things almost have a cartoonish or unreal quality to them.

>>9014971
Other possible effects: It's like I'm more aware of parts than wholes if an object is obscured by another, like my brain is doing less work to piece them together and create the gestalt. It's caused some philosophical thoughts, and I can see why so many advanced meditators like the "brain in the vat" philosophical discussion; this has been unnerving in itself, as it is against my philosophical worldview, and has also left me feeling a little more detached from my usual reality.

--

I started having difficuties on day 6. In terms of my vision, it was as if everything was jumping left and then right constantly. Nothing was stable. It was also like my vision was flickering. This began to make it hard to concentrate or to watch the dharma talks. I felt sick, as if I was on a boat; there was a swaying sensation that didn't change even when I closed my eyes. I spoke to the teacher and he didn't know what I was talking about, he just said to practice harder.

I practiced very hard and dilligently the next day and it just made things worse. The following night I woke up having what was my first ever panic attack. Due to the visual phenomena I felt like everything was shifting and changing around me, nothing was solid, no matter where I looked. I also couldn't turn the body scan meditation "off", I could feel sensations of my body shifting and changing very quickly, though there were other parts of my body I couldn't feel at all. I felt as though I was disolving. I was so distressed I went and spoke to the manager and said "I think I need help. I feel like I don't exist. I think I'm going insane." He managed to calm me down with a cup of tea. I walked back to my dorm and threw up multiple times. When I got there, I meditated through the fear, realised it was just sensation, and managed to get some sleep. Kenneth thought this was nana 6.

The next day in meditation my attention heightened again and I realised that I had pulsing nerve pain in my left and right jaw, alternating. This was contributing to the woozy, sea-sick feeling. Then, I realised that each time my jaw nerves pulsed my eye on the corresponding side flashed at the same time. I felt relaxed knowing that the world wasn't changing, but there was a physiological cause.

Over the next couple days I had a number of no-self experiences. I looked into the mirror and had a sense that no one was doing the looking, there was just the reflection, no one behind the eyes looking. I saw my reflection in a window while drinking a cup of tea, I had the sensations of the cup and saw the picture, but I had no sense of me looking at it -- it was like when you go to the dentist and come out with a numb lip, you know it used to be there, but you can't feel it. It was like I had a numb self. I also had the experience of hearing rain and there was "just the rain", I had the thought "I am the rain" and it made sense.

As my attention heightened on retreat the 3-D effect increased too. On retreat I enjoyed much of this. It made everything look clearer, more vibrant and more interesting. It felt like it reached a nadir and then everything "clicked" into place and I felt like I finally, experientially understood what Sam Harris was talking about with his "Headless Man" example.

When I told the teacher on retreat that it looked like things were 3-D, he said "That means you're not there yet. Get more concentrated and soon there will just be awareness."

The visual flickered seemed to settle on the morning of the last day, however the 3-D effect was pronounced; the next two meditation sessions brought the flickering back.

--

I expected this changed in perception to change after retreat, however it's been several days and nothing is different. Things that felt profound and interesting on retreat and frightening and disorientating in real life; especially seeing as they haven't changed. The visual flickering has settled down but my vision is still somewhat distored: I'm following this up with a GP and optometrist. However, I've read that people experiencing depersonalisation and derealisation can also experience visual distortions.

I have been too scared to meditate in case it makes thigns worse or makes whatever this is permanent. Kenneth says that the proximal goal is stream entry and I need to get to equanimity first. He recommended a large focus on moment-by-moment mindfulness, which I've been trying to do, though the worries are getting in the way. He also said that my perception may or may not go back to normal, but that normal is a function of familiarity, so that my distress at this may fade over time. I felt very reassured after talking to Kenneth, as he is a very good and precise teacher.

However, I wanted to see if anyone here had ever had any similar experiences, or knew anyone that had. I would very much like my visual experience to return to normal; frustratingly I know that's attachment and aversion. The 'headless' phenomena I could live with, but the cartoonishness of my visual world if very disturbing. It's presently causing my significant distess. I also feel somewhat isolated, as this is a strange thing to talk to many people in my life about; I'm also hesitant to tell me psych colleagues, lest they try to diagnose me with a dissociative disorder.

>>9008830
yah but u really don't even wanna hear it

>I'd like to hear from those who were homeless, drug addicts, prostitutes etc.
and i like, 50% qualify for each of those. technically "homeless" (voluntarily but kinda forcibly left my parents house at 18) but i always had a roof over my head. not really a full time prostitute by any means, but my roomate was and i did gay4pay once but it's kind of a long story. and i was likely a drug addict, just didn't go quite as hard as most. idk what exactly qualifies you for the label

not that it's atrocious or anything or that it's not interesting. but you just gotta live it i think to understand really

>>9015000
roomate was a female btw. very attractive/high class escort style

>>9014795

> I wrote a book while in rehab, which I basically laid out my entire philosophy of addiction, and even life, but I dunno, might be way too out there for most people.

put a little here. im interested

>>9015015
http://pastebin.com/crSgGC7y

first few pages. Still mostly in first draft form, I haven't gotten around to seriously editing it.

>>9014979
i went three months with depersonalization and derealization pretty much constantly and a ton of vertigo related symptoms where i felt like i was going to float away or even when i was stable it felt like i was going to fall down, really its just about getting used to it and not fearing it. fear can keep the dp/dr there if its psychologically induced although mine was physically induced, there's no sense in fearing it, just adapt and you'll be fine regardless. depersonalization and derealization cant hurt you, and wont make you go insane. just learn to not fear it by confronting it conciously, you'll see it's just a dampening of perception and you're fine and you can interact with the world just as you used to. the first time i experienced it, it was very scary but overtime i got used to it and eventually got surgery for the underlying cause which was really bad sinusitis. im very glad i could get over the fear of depersonalization and derealization and just live my life with it, i was totally fine and got to do the things i wanted to do.

>>9014849
Fuck off scummer. I'm not going to welcome a scummer because I'm part of le edgy shit hole website.

>>9009069
>>9009068
>>9009061
>>9009056
This seems like a XXI century Trainspotting.
I liked it.

Junkies deserve pain.

>>9013039
That's a good story.

>>9014140
Drugs have a rather ironic appeal in that they give control, it allows me to control my sentiments and if shared it is very easy to estimate what goes on in the others heads since drugs produce overwhelmingly present effects it's much easier when every one is on something because it's easy to estimate what they are thinking and feeling and as such I need not feel threatend or be vigilant of hidden thoughts and sentiments.

It comes down to how social interaction has been established in your youth I think, if it is not established as something that is rewarding and pleasant but rather something dangerous or necessary but not pleasant than you will continue that pattern in adulthood.

If it's a inter-personally hostile dance of fishing for information to be used as leverage, an analysis of what that person values and thereby how to appeal, control, hurt or destroy them than you aren't going to be able to 'unsee' that dynamic and constantly be either on your guard or completely reckless throwing all mistrust to the wind.

>>9008830
Read Selby.

I've been a NEET for a couple of years, browsing /jp/ and /lit/ side by side

>>9015767
I tend to have more respect for a junky, homeless, dick sucking addict. At least they're doing SOMETHING.

>>9008830
Im in a red roof inn waiting for morning visiting hours to open so these two mexican girls can fuck me senseless for 2 hours for 400 a piece. I'm also still awake. It's been days. Im also 5000 miles away from home.

my dad has been homeless for a long time, he's a stoner and an alcoholic. he was also very abusive (used to lock me in the bunker for 12h with no water/food/toilett). i have had phases where i fucked dudes for money. i had 2 abortions and am a single mom.
my dad has been in a psychic ward, has beaten my mom into hospital, has therestened to kill us all whilst being drunk and holding a shotgun in his hand.
i have attempted suicide at 13. lost my virginity at 12.
i'm clinically depressed and have various esting disorders that conventiently change up every few weeks.

that rock bottom enough for you?

File: 1463106145534.jpg (122KB, 500x500px) Image search: [Google]

122KB, 500x500px

>>9015792
you try to much

>>9015792

The funny thing is you haven't hit rock bottom yet.

>>9015803
my dad did.
and i guess having to lock your baby away from yourself because you are so exhausted you don't trust yourself anymore is pretty much rock bottom. maybe not for everyone. for me it was

>>9015777
aren't you proud

>>9015794
if you say so

>>9015811
Rock bottom is a point where it physically can't get worse, meaning that you change and go uphill after you hit it.

You obviously haven't...so, it's going to get worse.

I work with the homeless, most of them get on my nerves cause they're so out of it. You can only hold a conversation with a handful of them without something weird happening.

>>9015792


Damn... That hit me. Hope everything gets better.

>>9013039

I want to know what happened to the guy on the sofa

>>9012633
What does it even mean to rape your girlfriend?

I forgive you, anon. Not a biggie. Just try not to keep doing it.

>>9017047
I held a gun to her head, pissed on her face, and then fucked her as she cried.

>>9017056
Did she leave you afterwards?

>>9017063
No, she shot herself.

>>9015777
Agreed. I have no sympathy for NEETs.

>>9015792
>a psychic ward
lol

>>9008830

not related but i had an islander buddy of mine who poured gasoline down a dog's mouth and set it on fire because he thought it would breathe fire like a dragon

i got a kick out of that one

I walk up and down the main road running North and South. Look for cigs, look for food. Either sleep with a girl who's slumming it with me or at a punk house up North. There's no time to think about anything beside basic needs. You resent other people and feel like you can't relate. Sex is the best thing.

I shared a needle once or twice.
A guy held a knife to my throat on a drug ripoff. Some other guy (separate incident) pointed a magnum revolver at my forehead, again over some stuff he said he had, but didn't, because he wanted to play stick up kid or something.
The most danger I've ever been in was over weed, though. As an underage (now 18+, and the statute of limitations has now expired for this and every additional crime I will recount in this post), I got into a high speed pursuit with a squad of state troopers. My county had been dry so long, and I had just scored, that I was determined to keep the weed and elude them, and I did. Close calls like that only embolden a person, however, so of course I did eventually get busted.
Go to Mexico, obtain prescription drugs and bring them across the border legally. Do it once, and the authorities will let it slide. Once they recognize you, you get your name on a DEA list, and the local joint task force looks for a pretext to enter your home when you are out bar hopping. At midnight, three figures dressed in all black pry at the bars on the door to my place (lived in most dangerous ghetto in what was then the murder capital). Not holding, but we hung out for a minute while they tossed my place. Nice guys. I like cops, when they aren't bashing my head against the door column of their squad car for insubordination.
What set me on the path to kick all drugs was, well, lsd. See, I had consumed an entire bottle (large) of robotussin, and my body itched, badly. I started dropping hits to relieve my new skin condition (DXM logic). Bad luck puts me in the hospital (I always wanted to try thorazine, thanks), for 48 hours, but I talked my way out. Still tripping, I hitchhiked the next state over to a wilderness area for a long fast and vision trip. Stripped naked and buried myself, but the temperature dropped twenty or thirty degrees overnight and torrential downpour. Nearly froze to death. Stuck it out for a week, then returned to civilization and got the involuntary commitment I had shopped for, and an inpatient rehab, not Hazelden, but the one it was modeled after.
I'm still fucked in the head, but functional, with my own ways and means. Gambling is my only vice now, I think.

>>9013537
>>9014090
Wew

>>9009280
Considering the academic upbringing of DFW and his tendencies towards depression, weed must have been a major handicap in his life.

t. I have an academic formal upbringing, I'm depressed and I can't really do weed without getting addicted to it

I've never really hit true rock bottom. I've always managed to stay employed, for instance. About last April I was cutting on the daily, doing alcohol, weed, DXM, ritalin, and tobacco everyday for about two weeks, and for 2 months I was stealing my roommates underwear and sniffing them while I jacked off. I listened to her have sex with her boyfriend and jacked off to it in the lounge at 3 in the morning. I smoked meth and drank beer with some convict I met in a bar who had just gotten back into the country for two days, having been deported. I spent Easter drinking moonshine with my neighbour across the road. I hated my flatmates and went for 2-3 hour walks every night to get away from them. They always made me feel like someone beyond saving when they stared in disgust at my scars and bossed me around. I stopped going to lectures after hallucinating and having a panic attack in one. I bought chocolate for my ex and showed up at her work and she went "oh" and looked at me in disgust. I nearly lost my virginity to a girl but my friend said he'd been seeing her and liked her, so I cut contact. A lot happened in those two weeks. Whole thing felt like a bad dream. I'm lucky though. Didn't have a full blown psychotic break, stayed employed, passed my classes (barely).

i once made a intentional shitpost on /lit/ does that count as degenerate?

>>9008830
Definitely. I've been using drugs for about a decade now and was homeless for about a year, living on the streets of Montreal and Toronto. I squeegeed for drug money and panhandled/dug around in garbages for food.

>>9008830
Was an acid junkie in eastern Europe, hustling psychedelics I got myself in a narcotics ring, got to meat crazy people and even crazier situations.
Yes this lifestyle is brings a combo of adventure as well as the sense of going completely nuts.

>>9017047
That other anon is lying. I'm the original poster. I don't remember bc I blacked out but you can definitely rape your wife, partner or gf. No is no, dude. I remember snippets of it but that's it. This isn't the places to moralise or admit stuff, I get that. I just need to remind myself of who I am and what I've done because I definitely dont want to hurt anyone like that again. I tried to hang myself but pussied out