Hello friends, I've written a short story (1300 words)

>>8842627
first reminded me of 'no exit,' kind of like some sort of existentialist stuff, then turned me around to auden...post wwii kind of feel and collectivization of the populous. interesting but i think you could flesh out the first couple of lines and make it a bit more clear where he is (got a little confused when he suddenly turned up at the census bureau)

>>8842627
I thought the first part (before the conversation started) had some strange prose honestly. It seemed like you tried to do something on a few sentences, but it just didn't work. I was wondering whether I should keep going. Once the conversation started, I enjoyed the story a lot more. I got totally absorbed until the end, so you clearly did something right in the dialogue section.

Overall, I thought it was quaint. I'm not sure what the story is really going for. This is quite possibly my failure, though, because I'm not sure how much effort I was/am putting in to thinking about your story. I could say more, but I'd think it be better if you told me your mindset while writing it. I see this as a success if you had an idea you thought was okay and took maybe an hour writing this just for fun. If you are trying to "say" something or have it be extra stylish, I don't really see any success here. Maybe my interpretation is too greatly effected by my thoughts on the normal curve. That curve is not "found," it is forced by statisticians. Things do not fall along a normal distribution. Statisticians force them to just so their field doesn't fall apart. With this in mind, I'm not sure if you're speaking as the character or commenting on the character and their beliefs. Either way it seems trite to me. So I don't really see a strong message or style, but I had no problem reading it. Overall it just seems really in one-eye-out-the-other.

How can they pronounce all the equations?

It's decent. However, the idea of a "normal man" doesn't work in all cases, e.g. for hair colour.

"since time immemorial" made barf a bit too.

>>8842627
this is so typical.

all you did was take a concrete reality and make it abstract and then marvel at how the abstract concept mirrors the reality it was derived from.

it's like whoa dude! look how my water bottle perfectly conforms to the shape of the water inside of it... real fucken magical.

nah but it was a good story.

The idea is not particularly good but you you write some truly excellent dialogue. You know when to have them speak and when to show their actions, it is on point. The whole 'bell curve' thing is not particularly strong though, see >>8842976

Perhaps you could consider writing a small act for a play instead?

>>8842627
>http://pastebin.com/vMGhgT7C
I'm not exactly a fan of the subject matter of a bell curve being the answer to the universe or whatever. Usually this kind of premise falls flat.

But, I read the entire thing, and was intrigued, so you definitely did something right. Great pacing, interesting characterization, and fluid writing. You should keep writing.

>>8842627
>I think my writing is good

fuck off

>>8842627
I would pad out the beginning a bit, the opening moves a bit too fast to really develop interest in these people and their conversation. For example, the contrast you made between Q's normal office state and Q's current office state is weakened because they come up back to back without any time to develop an expectation. A couple of lines are weird, the bit about the artery was confusing, and you could probably do with one less explanation of the lost luster in his eyes.

Also, the discovery and the ranting and raving comes on too quickly, and the reason why the discovery is supposed to be significant is lost on the reader. Maybe establish that there is some issue that has been haunting Q that is solved by the discovery.

That last line is pure cheese, I would have your title drop somewhere before the ending so we can get more elaboration on what the normal man means for these two. And the bit about the side of the coin, while technically true, is never really elaborated on in any way that gives it significance.

That being said, the recurring motif of eyes and being watched has some merit, but the story just comes on all too quick and doesn't really create a connection between the conversation and the motif.

>>8843291

You really should think your writing is good or what's the point in showing people

>>8844335
Making money

>Monsieur B
>Monsieur


dropped

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>>8844335

Thanks for the thoughts and comments guys

I'm going to draft over this a few more times - it was helpful to get some other perspectives

>>8842976
>I could say more, but I'd think it be better if you told me your mindset while writing it.

I definitely don't believe in explicitly outlining the themes/ideas in my story.

It was originally written for a short story competition with the theme of "What if normal distribution had never been discovered" or something. But now I'm planning on submitting it into a maths literary journal.

>>8842627
Your writing is solid, so massive props for that because that's the hardest part.
The story isn't much of one though and for God's sake get that formula out of there, if you can't explain the idea behind it in words then just hand wave it. The idea is interesting but not really convincing that the normal distribution is everything. I dunno what to do about that, maybe add some layers of intrigue or esoteric academic talk or something.
But really I'd say don't try to refine it anymore. It's a fine little thing and shows you're quite good at writing, go write some more things my man.