No critique thread? Let's change that. Here's the

>>8805889
Make sure to remove as many unnecessary "ands" as you can. They disrupt the flow of a sentence. See whether the sentence needs to be comma'd or just separated into two new sentences. Ideally, you wanna be able to read it out loud without feeling too awkward about it.

>>8805897
b-bb-but Corncob uses ands like they're movie theater popcorn

>>8805889
Consider revision to the present tense, might work well.

I don't like sci-fi as a genre, personally. Not sure what other notes to give you. I was bored reading this, the world-building was tedious and took away from what little action was happening.

>>8805897
I second the "and' removal, especially in the paragraph beginning "A soft note chimed..."

>>8805889
Seemed like an "aneem" at first. I liked it though. I'd work on some of the wording if I were you. Is this a first draft or something?
"Ants around a sugar cube with metallic fingers itching" reminded me of Ray Bradbury desu.

>>8805905
Yeah, but they make even an excellent story rather mundane.
I know that using "ands" is almost easy to the point of making it more difficult to fight against the impulse.
I used to do it too, I still fight against it.
Some people can work their stories well despite their faults, but you should try to not emulate that.

Looks quite promising anon, nice job

>>8805913
Let's do an example...

"A soft note chimed and the train shuddered into a halt."

"A soft note chimed, the train shuddered, its gears grinding as it slowed to a halt."

>>8805971
or simply replace "and" for "as" and make a more fluid sentence

>>8805965
>>8805928
>>8805912
>>8805897
Thanks bros, I'm going to go through and rewrite. The prose is still a bit clumsy, I'm also trying to establish the world without being too overt.

>>8806002

Finish writing it first

Don't fall into the trap of rewriting it before you even know what it is

>>8805889
immediately engaging and interesting concept but the delivery is too generic, the forced mix of futuristic terms with petty daily grievances like in the third paragraph is overdone and disengaged me from the story - disassociated me from the world and made it kind of parody-like, ideally you should make me feel as if i'm on the train with this guy like i could picture myself seeing everything he's seeing, instead of feeling like i'm reading the creative writing assignment of a 14 year old who just watched blade runner

File: socialjustice.png (38KB, 651x318px) Image search: [Google]

38KB, 651x318px

Not fiction, I know

I wrote and published my first book a few months ago. I'm actually just trying to get my name out there and get better at my craft.

https://www.kobo.com/en-ca/ebook/to-arms-5

>>8806155
>caring about sjws

>>8806161
When the rights of European people are being taken away through anti-hate speech laws based on the social justice ideology it's kind of hard to continue not caring

>>8806161
It's literature. It reflects on the aspects of one's culture and turns it into something that can be used as a device, if need be.

http://pastebin.com/raw/XwzGNREF

>>8805981
It's very easy to misuse 'as' as well, in this sense. Some writers regularly pair up actions in ways which would be awkward, difficult or unlikely in real life. I.e. the perennial "He sighed as he ?ed."

>>8806155
BLAH!

>>8805889
reads like a shit anime style adaptation of brave new world

and i mean really shit

File: 1456718248636.jpg (185KB, 1024x1139px) Image search: [Google]

185KB, 1024x1139px

>>8805889
Shameless self-ad but I am writing a lesbian smut fanfic and I could use some reviews
>https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12225657/1/The-School-Idols-are-doing-Yuri-Sex

God, the title is just plain inappropriate for my prose. I wanna change it

File: honda.png (257KB, 1335x952px) Image search: [Google]

257KB, 1335x952px

>>8805889
>print media in a sci-fi short
>Chairman Trumble