would you PLEASE read my paper and give me (you)s. I had a g

Trying too hard.

Sooner you realize nobody gives a fuck about you, the better.

>>8790629
the assignment is to work in elements of a memoir with discussion of/reference to 3 texts

File: tumblr_mi4kj4jOSi1qz6f9yo1_1280.jpg (101KB, 555x466px) Image search: [Google]

101KB, 555x466px

>>8790613
It's reads like a psychoanalytical transcript

>>8790613
look at asif with his new friend you noobs. it all starts with a handshake learn about it punjabi style, now break yourself!

>>8790613
complete shit, couldn't push through the first paragraph. try harder nigger

That is an incredibly unattractive opening sentence. I didn't read more, because I don't care, and have no reason to care. You have to realise that nobody gives a fuck about you.

>>8790613
Ignoring the subject matter, since it was an assignment- You need an editor to cut out ~30% of the words in every paragraph. Stop peppering in empty phrases like "so to speak" and "I digress". I recommend reading On Writing, or The Artful Edit. Two books that will help you edit your own work better. This meta, stream of consciousness thing you're going for is becoming a crutch. You don't have a "unique style." You are writing poorly and it reads like thousands of other poor writers voices. I do not mean to be discouraging, just trying to save you from making mistakes it took me too long to recognize in my own work. Good luck and keep going.

>>8790613
>http://pastebin.com/fe3vWM7n

Honestly there's something about it that seems jarring to me. The prose seems bland, the subject matter seems to jump around with little or no transition and the entire work seems almost sterile.

I could write a bit more about what I thought and post it as a paste bin.