It was dawn. The sky was a soft blue, with those streaks of orange

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I’ve done you wrong. I’ve been unfaithful to our commitment. Not through extraneous relationships, as I could not live having stabbed your heart with such cruelty, but rather by not being there for you. Not in presence, but in comfort. I know this now, and I am a fool for having been deceived by my emotions. They speak truth to me now, I swear it. I can feel it. I know you’re not perfect. I don’t need you for me to live. But I want you to be there by my side, to make life worth living. I look for eye contact as you deviate from your linear path through the shore to make your way towards me, but is futile, so I stop before you think I’m begging for it. You sit by my side, not a word is said. You put your hands around your knees and tilt your head to the side, looking away from me. I’ve always been a fool, but I always try to do what I think is right. We wouldn’t be here if I lived idle. I feel your pain. I remember the words that were said. We both exaggerated. We both- Oh shut up. I put my hand on your back, I don’t move it, and unsure that if I do you’d leave. Might as well try. I push your shoulder towards me. As you get closer, I voice comes out my mouth and it’s the reaction that prompts you to get up. I see a tear shine, by your cheek. This is it. This is where you leave me. The sun is almost gone. The ship remains unreachable. I stand up and see you leave. Walking away to never come back. My heart races. The ocean quiets. The cold and the wind stop. All I feel is a painful feeling in my chest pushing me to become unbridled, to let go of everything, adrenaline rushes, my head is clear, all I hear is my breathing, all I feel is my heart pounding incessantly at my chest, waiting to get out! I run after you! I hold on to your arms! I turn your body towards mine and my determinate stare forces yours towards them, to where you can’t look away! Oh everything that could be said! Oh everything that needed to be said! Everything that has been felt these past few days! Everything leading to this moment, and I take you, my lips move fast towards yours, they cushion softly against each other, just perfect enough for you to feel what I feel!
The stars shine, and the moon now reigns. The beach keeps beating my guitar with the sand in the wind. The boat now has a light on, barely visible from where we stand. A light in a sea of a dark blue world.

C+
You try too hard and you don't try too hard.

>>8724811
What feelings did this elicit to you?

What did you guys think of my story's ending?

>>8724952
Embarressment

>>8725983
It's boring and patronising.

>>8725985
>Embarressmen
Opinion discarded

>>8725987
How, my good friend?

>it was dawn
>describes dawn

the prose is okay, but its a little overly descriptive... and some parts are either redundant or dont make any sense

>The ocean’s shore is calmed, yet incessant with its waves. They punished the sand, slowly and painlessly.

Of course the ocean is incessant with its waves
and what do you mean by painlessly? these discrepancies are throughout your work

Still ntb prose c-

>>8725996
Well, I was trying to project the narrator's own sense of peace into his surroundings, thus describing certain things in a way that is related to his feelings and still technically applicable to those objects (painlessly, quiet sand, etc). If this is too cliche, or just plain confusing or just unnecessary, thus coming off as pretentious or excessive, then I suppose it could be cut out.

Did I understood your critique correctly?

Pls respond

>>8726206
I honestly didn't make it past "It was dawn. The sky was a soft blue"
I usually take time to give constructive critiques, but something stops me dead in my tracks. I just get this overwhelming impression it's not worth my time (and my time is worthless, let's be honest.) I'd like to spend some time elucidating exactly where this intuition comes from, but that same impression actively forbids be from bothering.
Sorry anon, I tried :/
In goodwill, I won't sage.

>>8724724

>swapping tenses in every other sentence

Sorry OP but stay away from the thesaurus until you learn how to write in English

>>8726231
K. Thank you.

>>8726221
What if you do so to rip me a new one? You'd surely find the task of severely criticizing this type of work pleasurable, and at the same time I'll improve.
If my writing elicits those averse intuitions of yours I want to learn how I can change my writing in order to assuage them, and earn your approval.

>>8724811
>you try too hard and you don't try too hard

Possibly the best way to describe it OP. You seem to try very hard to elicit feelings and create touching prose and it feels so. We don't get a lifelike description of something we can relate to, we get the impression of a person being hell-bent on giving us one. On top of that, your usage of words is questionable (sings to my eyes) and you alternate between romantic-era (I guess) style fancy writing that screams LOOK HOW MANY WORDS AND METAPHORS I CAN USE and common language at a disturbing frequency. It feels quite uninspired and clichéd desu

Half of this text is redundant ballast. My advice is to select those phrases and images you like the most and write the same thing much much shorter. And read it through carefully 10 times afterwards.

>>8727466
Thank you. I'll take every part of your advice into consideration.

>>8724724
>>8724727
who is the artist of the paintings?