I'm creating abother critique thread, for my (but unfinshed)

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>>8701458
I done fucked up. I meant another
Also
(2/2)

>>8701458
Shit/10

Quit spamming this board, man

needs a lot of revision. grammatical mistakes and missing words. transition between present and past tense isn't smooth. too many strong metaphors.

>>8701458
>>8701465
Lol dude are you serious? I stopped halfway through you are first picture because of how shitty it was.

1) Take the time to correct your spelling and grammar mistakes, for fuck's sake
2) Your description/metaphor of him typing is awful. If he's typing feverishly, I don't see a reason to compare it to something that echoes because echoing to me implies there is time between each iteration (the space of time when you actually hear the fucking echo). The difference in speed of the two actions makes the stones being thrown into a cave a dumb metaphor imo. Maybe if he was hunt-and-peck typing it would make a lick of sense, but as it stands it--in conjunction with your bullshit "feverishly" adverb--literally made me stop reading it and think you're a fucking retard.

>>8701458
Read more.

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Here's my DARK Christian story, meant to ferment sin and vice and the reasonings behind it.
WARNING: It's a tough read, you might have to take your time to understand the writing style, see for yourself mate, about a whole page or two.

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>>8702741
Page two of six

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>>8702747
Page three of six

>>8701654
Quiet, you. These types of threads have great potential and are very useful for sandboxing.

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>>8702755
Page four of six

>>8702741
Single space is so kind of painful to read, dude. Can you reformat or post in-thread?

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>>8702764
Page five of six

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>>8702772
WARNING: For any Christians here, it gets really hot and heavy at this part. Please understand this is a book that explores sin and does not wish to glorify it, thank you.

>>8702782
>>8702772
>>8702764
>>8702741
>>8702747
>>8702755
I keked.

>Slippery sex
>use of "hath" and pseudo KJB language
>filth
>juices
>ends in a dream

Dude this is gold-plated.

>>8702782
Is your warning ironic? I really can't tell on this board anymore.

>>8701458
>The Darkness Came to Fill the Void
>(streetlights) preventing the room from being consumed by the void of darkness
que? is the void being filled by darkness, or is the space in the room being filled with a void of darkness. Why doesn't he have any lights on in his office? is he retarded?
>a sharp pain came crashing in
> pain came crashing in
feelings don't 'crash', and they certainly don't 'crash in'.
>flashlight shaped like a skipping stone
find a better descriptor, or just say that it was flat.
>pain of silence
silence isn't painful unless you're being melodramatic; it can be uncomfortable, but to say it's painful is to be a lying nigger.

>(he fixed the 'calender') and got back to the report without missing a beat.
But he did miss a beat, because he got up to change the 'calender'. that's the beat that was missed, you fucking lying nigger.
>each keystroke echos
what kind of office has acoustics like that?

Finally, just say he started at midnight instead of giving us 12:08, and say he finished it an hour later.

>>8701458
Why does a sigh boom.

I get the office is empty so its like 'you can hear a pen drop', but a sigh will never ever boom.

>>8702794
So Tis I hath take it, that thy expectations were not exhumeed to the contents of this literacy piece, dearest critiquer of yore? I hath nary understand if thy working comment was a necessity born out of jest or good natured pleasure, dearest reader?

>>8702856
>you can hear a pen drop
Can't you pretty much always hear a pen drop though?

>>8703580
Can someone translate this please?

>>8703673
Tis be quelling of mine feelings to be so confound a harsh wording, my dearest sweet reader! I am not thine enemy of the languaged arts, but a friend to deliver thee of a tale worth menstrating thy minds onto!

>>8701458
>it's a "the characters name is John" episode
>it's an "writing about writing" episode
>it's a bad pacing episode
>it's a bad spelling episode
>it's a "forgetting to finish sentences" episode
>It's an "I've never worked in an office" episode
>it's a "lost time" episode
>it's a "there's only one character and they have no interior state" episode

Wew m8. Read a book sometime. Bradbury's zen of writing ain't half bad, give it a look.

Also, "too jolted" made me vomit

>>8703694
ur lit. a reified cancer

fuck it mane

The secretaries noise level almost rivaled the ones of the programmers’. The developers doing, whatever they do, were always kept in the back, not because of the noise they made, but because of their, ah, hygiene. The customers usually requesting the aid of the programmers were usually told to fix it themselves, as they didn’t want to lose business to the dorks in the back.

Mary usually didn’t even want to tell the customers off. Not because she felt bad for the programmers, but because she didn’t want to. Her laziness was especially prominent when it came to refilling the coffee machine, a habit aggressively disliked by her coworkers, with them usually shouting sarcastic remarks whenever they came to get another fill.

Mary wore saturated blue blouse with a red frilly skirt that dropped down past here knees, and always wore a white hair band. It was only a coincidence that they had matched today. She was a short girl with a thick New Jerseyan accent, and full head of long hair that was curly at the bottom.

Mary never wanted to meddle with the programmers’ special cards, as she didn’t know what they did or why her division even needed them in the back. Why did physicists even need to use computers, didn’t they just use math and pencils? Even with the more advanced stuff they were perfectly capable at it, I mean, they made over twenty thousand a year doing whatever the hell they do, she thought to herself.

As she was pondering the thought a customer walked in, he only noticed him as the door’s bell startled her.

“Is this office 311?” The man asked.

“You are correct, honey” She responded. She had only called him honey as the man was quite handsome. The man was wearing a gray suit that would only seem fit for someone who worked in an office.

“Thanks, um, could you show me to room 54. I’ve heard that the layout is the same for every building, but, as you can probably tell, I’m fairly new here.”

Mary stood up, “Right this way,” she said with a slightly more perky and lavish voice than before.

After a step or two down the hall, she asked him a question, “So, uh, where ya’ from?”

“I just got flown in from DC this morning, ma’am,”

“Wow,” she responded holding on to the ‘ow,’ “So you’ve met the big man?”

“No ma’am. I only worked in the labs in that area.”

“You don’t have to call me ma’am by the way”

“Well, what can I call you?”

“Mary,”

“Well, you can call me John, Mary, “John responded raising a hand for a shake, “pleasure to meet you.”

“And you as well,” Mary responded with a shake of the hands, “Oh and, here’s your stop, pal”

“Thank you, pal,” John responded with a smirk.

“No problem,” Mary replied with another smile.

>>8704517
Please keep in mind that the formatting is kind of fucked as I'm not sure how to italicize stuff in a post.

>>8704526
2

Usually Mary didn’t care at all about the people rang that bell after she was done helping them, but this guy seemed special. She couldn’t say why, but she could tell that he was important. Maybe it was the way he was humble or how he said he was from DC. She wasn’t entirely sure.

By the end of the day. Mary was still curious as to what that man she escorted was here for. I mean, he was imported from DC for god’s sake, She thought on her way to her car. Her car being a loaner yellow BMW from her father.

See, Mary’s father was very wealthy although she didn’t see a dime of it besides this car, which she was very grateful for. She was always taught that the world won’t give you any handouts. Ha, she thought, like that rich old bastard earned even a dime of that money. Mary’s father was fortunate enough to have a father of his own rich enough that his inheritance would be enough of an incentive to kill him, which he was. The police couldn’t find out who did it, but Mary and the rest of her family always suspected of him.

She got in her car, and turned the key in the ignition. She let it sit there for a moment to let it warm up. It was around twenty degrees Fahrenheit outside and it seemed even colder inside the car. Mary was wrapped up in a scarf in a light jacket. She wasn’t expecting to work late so she didn’t pack a coat for the frigid October nights in Montana. Luckily she had a packed something to do in her bag. A book by the name of Fantastic Mr. Fox by Roald Dahl. It was released only a few years prior and was short enough so she could read large percentages of the book in the free seconds she got at work and other places.

>>8704529
>>8704517

Eh. If you post a section of your work it should be one with more pizazz. You seem to be anxious to fold as many background details as possible. Ease up a bit, they'll find their own opportunity.

Grammar needs work, big time.

>>8702741
Anyone else want to tackle this? I want to know how else I can improve, or if I'm even in the right path.

>>8703580
I am losing my shit right now. Thanks for all the keks.

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Sorry if this is hard to read. I tried to do something different, but it may have ended up a post-modern piece of shit.
Heads up: I'm going for cheesy dialogue too.

>>8701458
>I'm creating abother
You sure are!

>>8704939
i like it. just some matters of subtlety:

>The sergeant with the fat mouth snorted in disbelief when I asked...
change to:
>The sergeant with the fat mouth snorted when I asked...

redundant, "snorted" says enough

>Pumpkin seeds or cinnamon could be added for a true sense of exotic mysticism. After I realised the sardonic tone in his already corrosive voice, I told him not to worry. Never mind, sir, I see you're busy.
change to:
>Pumpkin seeds or cinnamon could be added for a true sense of exotic mysticism. Never mind, sir, I see you're busy.

the extracted sentence isn't needed. this way we get from Jim's response that the guy is being a wiseass. much stronger that way.

>He folded his arms in reprise,
change to:
>He folded his arms,

not needed, and i think you meant "repose"

>his stoic, gargoyle form
change to:
>his gargoyle form

stick with the clearer, stronger mental image

>The blue gargoyle in the corner interjects

change the metaphor here. maybe just "manticore" without "blue" since he keeps interjecting vitriol. you could keep making his mythical creature descriptor more ostentatious and ridiculous throughout the scene, mite b cool

>>8705009
Thanks man. I'll make a note of all that. I think I try too hard sometimes.

>>8705022
nah, it's just transmuting what you can tell the reader into what you can show the reader

thought of what you could call the sergeant if you do go with the mythical creature thing. he could interject again and then Jim could off-handedly cut him down. or Droopy could dress him down in a humorous way, since it's a bit rude for him to be interjecting during an interrogation. then a few lines later the sergeant interjects again, unfazed:

>"[whatever you decide the sergeant says]," said the ego hydra.

>>8704844
This was literally all I had written for this. I will work on the grammar as I know it is horrible. I appreciate the tip about background details. I have always felt I needed to "get them out of the way" for my story to make sense, such as how some of the dialogue flows. It's one of my first pieces, so I appreciate it.

>>8705205
Holy shit I used I a lot in that post.

>>8702741
>>8702747
>>8702755
>>8702764
>>8702772
>>8702782

Deeply and absolutely hilarious. Best thing I've seen come out of one of these fucking threads in ages.

>>8705371
Hilarious in a good way or hilarious in a bad way?

>>8701458
Too many short stops, breaks flow too easily mate. Keep trying, I'm sure you'll get better as you go along. Just make sure to listen well to your betters or you will not improve good sir.

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I'm flooding this board but I want feedback.

My blog https://beautifultrashsite.wordpress.com/

Here's an excerpt.

>>8705443
I cant imagine a world where this would ever get published, but I was actually weeping while reading because I was laughing so hard.

It's great.

>>8705551
Tumblr pls go

>>8705551
Everyone thinks you're an idiot. Does that not upset you?

>>8705551
>https://beautifultrashsite.wordpress.com/
I know how tough it is to get decent feedback.
You're in the early stages of 'being interesting' which is that you have self confidence in your writing and probably a certain amount of self-awareness that you aren't doing all that great, which is what you need. As it is your journal, it's fine to write anything like that. However, expecting people to read things like that is difficult because they either nod their heads or lose interest.

My suggestion is to try to write a few different posts and limit your word count. You ramble, which just makes the work hard to read and you aren't relating 'why' it's true so much as 'that' you think it's true. No one wants to here 'that's how the world is, they already have their own ideas how the world works. Try suggesting to them 'maybe we shouldn't do that, listen to other people so much. I enjoy conversations that get to a deeper level, don't you?'

I think it's important you keep up with it and I also suggest you write a physical journal as well about whatever instead of trying to fill up a page.

As for other parts I didn't like, the 'Peace' was annoying to me at the end of the posts. It's like you're saying goodbye but you've been doing all the talking, it's rude to me.

Also, I would cut your posts in half and try to contain the same amount of message in them. Right now, you're doing a lot of 'leading' sentences which set the scene poorly, and convey little emotion besides a sense of superiority and correctness of your logic.

Try more vulnerable. That time you got stabbed by the wino? Show us that.

Anyone want to archive this putrid thread and start off a new one with something decent, or?

>>8703639
The full expression is something like
"You could hear a pen drop across the room"

Meaning rooms filled with people are typically noisy, and if you can hear a pen drop from 50ft away its pretty damn silent in the room

>>8703969
P much this.

>>8707650
The actual expression is about a "pin" being dropped. As in a sewing needle.

>>8701458
>think i'm a bad writer
>read this

thanks man

>>8701458
Trying to portray Village Life. With somewhat realistic depiction in y fantasy novel. Any advice?

>>8707606
Thank you so much for this. I appreciate your honesty and it's so helpful to get your feelings about my writing.

Could you please elaborate how I could say ''why'' it's true as opposed to how? Is this related to Tedium and Success?

And scrap peace and end with something a bit politer? I usually just chuck peace there because I can't think of anything to say. So I should try to end it like have a good day or something?

And vulnerability, as in embarrassing incidents or just honest feelings towards situations?

Again thank you so much for your feedback man, I cannot say how rewarding it is to have someone take the time and give me the truth.

>>8708176
Also hate to be annoying, but could you please give an example of annoying leading sentences? Thanks in advance

>>8708128
I'm not sure about village life specifically.
But I'm also writing a fantasy novel you might enjoy, dude. Let's help each other out.

>>8702741

>>8708189
Hilarious in a good way. but the way its format makes it kinda painful to read.

Planet 00158 was phorescent as it gave orbit in the vacuums that time had restored. Three Buja, with maws of steel clenching a centrifuge soared through the space, with two fighter ships docked and ready for deployment. Another steel mass came soaring through space as a spiraled beam of light, leaving trails of the fuel that had been so carefully placed by the slaves abducted from the planet of Hinterland 43. As though mothership had already sensed the oncoming belligerent, humefication began to pile on the brow of the pilot of the Tribuja.


Really want to try and write some fantasy/sci-fi stuff rather than the typical essays and modernist novels I do.

Tear me up, please. At least provide some criticism, though

>>8709449
Dry, too many terms, but the evoking was done nice. Try to write a real story then add in the fucking lazors in later. The problem I have with scifi is that they forget that you still gotta have humans even if they are fucking aliens. My cyberpunk story is probably 'too human' and not scifi enough though, so what do I know?
I'd explain and pace it a little better as 'mass...43' confused me.Fuel placed where? In the ship? Just make that a little clearer. I think you need to slow down, if you're going for a 'I want a fun ride story and maybe you learn the meaning of fucking christmas too' be a little more generous with your reader's attention and give them more breadcrumbs to understand your postmoderist-modernist hoohah drivel. I'll post a poem after this post so you can have a shot at me.
>>8708176
>I can't think of anything to say
You wrote a whole goddamn post you cur you said tons. I always end on a interesting thought to leave them wanting more, little attention whore that I am.
>honest feelings towards situations?
>how I say 'why'
Write that whole journal off page. Now, reread it a few times. Summarize your thoughts in one sentence,"why should I have to have a conversation I don't want to have?" Do that for each journal entry and post as an exercise. I would have to see the kind of shit you poop out after to give you more observations so get to work.

If you laugh I win bitches.

Thunderous Witch

Thunderous Witch! You bitch! I'll snap you twitch!
bitty bit as a tick bit by a bitch such as a bit tick like you!
cry thunder loud and whine sonorous sound!

Thunderous Witch! You come to me?! You speak?!
Your wiles are wicked as a child's charm and not as sweet or swaying!
Want I to slap you and make you become a prayin'!

Thunderous Witch. I love you. Your boobs, they are mounds of the plains
of heaven so high above my chest high heart ticking tough
I ask you for your pale shaded sheen hand to hold fast
tight against my tick as I lick and lie with my bed and die and cry

Thunderous Witch. So great, that sound, in my ear. I love you dear.
Do not leave me again, you hear!