Ok, Lit, I've heard your advice and have rewritten my query

>>8603932
Like last time, if you'd please, BE CONSTRUCTIVE. Tear me a new asshole, fine, fucking burn me, but at least give me some balm or tell me how to fix it.

>>8603932
For those who want to compare the new letter to the old one:

Hello!
I’m writing because I am in need of someone to represent my 87000-word literary novel, War Within.

The story is told from the perspective of three characters: Max, a scrawny obsessive man, his burly soldier of a brother Luke, and Mercy, a bookish genetic engineer satisfied with living a serene life of solitude. It starts with the events that would change the characters and their worlds forever: Max losing his family after an airstrike turns his neighborhood to black rubble, Luke deserting the army after receiving an assignment that involves the murder of civilians and breaking international law, and Mercy, who has neither relatives nor friends, losing her job at the lab and finding nowhere to go in the war-ruined economy of Rune.
They all escape Rune and the war to the outskirts soon thereafter, and find themselves at the independent Grafted City, unfinished due to the war’s start. In it, Max and Luke embed themselves in a society of survivors who refer to themselves as the Sustainers. While Mercy, having been forced to kill and steal to live, becomes a cold-hearted leader of a group of people who’d also been forced to turn to the extremes, their weapon a flock of gigantic genetically-engineered birds.

The lives of Max and Luke and Mercy mingle into a situation in which the group she leads and the one they’ve joined are warring. To shorten a long story; Max’s once mild issues will become full-fledged disorders, the most important of which dissociative personality disorder; Mercy will continue to struggle with losing her humanity; and Luke will have to face the consequences of his new-found pacifism.
The story has a prominent anti-war theme, and showcases how a world gone wrong can affect its people, especially those who have lost so much and so many that they cannot define themselves anymore. It also deals with empathy, and how even those who do the unthinkable time and again remain, beneath all, flawed humans.


Late in the story, the stakes will rise until personal decisions of mentally-troubled characters decide the lives of the entire remaining population of the Grafted City.

>>8603932
Provide substitutes if you would please.

Thanks in advance. I know I seemed butthurt in the first thread, but I just (I'll just come out and say it) got triggered by the replies that criticised without specifying the reason or how they'd fix it.

>>8603932
>In the heart of the independent Grafted City will break out

I hope the rest of your writing is not as awkward as this

>>8603970
It's a query letter. I have to condense as much info as I could in as little words as possible. Might be an awkward phrasing, but it's short, concise, and due to its structure forces the agent to at the very least reach the end of the first sentence.

>>8603970
Would love to hear you say how you'd fix it, though.

>>8603981
I've already thought of a better way to phrase it. Please work harder if you expect to earn money.

>>8603932

Last time I gave you the benefit of the doubt with

>>8603696

There is no more constructive criticism to give, I'm afraid. You have no future in writing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eiy9legEW-U

Consider reading Stanley Fish's "How to write a sentence and how to read one." As condescending as the title sounds, it's a serious exploration into style that will help you develop an intuition for your myriad errors.

>>8603991
You can't judge someone's writing by their queries. You've never read a chapter I've written, and already you say I have no future in writing? I'll have you know I gave my first few chapters to a few writers and readers, and all have responded positively. I admit it, I fucking suck at queries. Say you have no future in writing query letters, but to say I have no future in writing is ignorant at best.

Besides, your opinion is very affected by the fact that you're reading this on 4chan. For the sake of example, read George Martin's pitch letters for the award-winning best-selling A Game of Thrones, and imagine if he'd uploaded that on 4chan. Your opinion wouldn't be the same, would it?

>>8603932
>In the heart of the independent Grafted City will break out a desperate fight for survival between two sides, both formed of escaped civilians from Rune.

No one is getting past this sentence, no offense.

A desperate fight will break out in the heart of Grafted City.

Go from there

>>8604013
Alright, I'll keep that in mind. If you'd please, can you continue?

>>8603985
a desparate fight breaks out between

>>8603991
Oh, by the way, a local publisher has already taken interest and offered to publish it. I'm going to sign a contract this week. But I am not satisfied with publishing it in my home country alone, so I'm trying to write a query letter to send over email. And I feel obligated to inform you that I'm only 18. 18, getting it published locally, and writing a query to try and give it a broader audience.

You could not, based on the simple facts that you had known, say that I have no future in writing.

>>8604006
You can indeed judge someone's writing by what they have written.
Consider your hopeless lack of stylistic intuition. Format is irrelevant . You couldn't write a novel. You couldn't write a short story. You can't write a pitch. The positive feedback you've received wasn't genuine. I say this with 100% certainty.

>>8604051
From strangers, fuckwit, from fucking strangers. Did you read GRRM's pitch? Did you even try and see the point I made?

I made another reply, read it, shitbag. I am so fucking sick of fucks like you who think that just because they're on 4chan that means they're there to inslut and mock and fuck around.

>>8604019
so you claim you wrote a novel but you need to be babied along by strangers on the internet to write a simple fucking letter?

christ, this is some real horseshit.

>>8603932
>the second has a flock of gigantic genetically-engineered birds

pardon me

>>8603932
Dear Opie,

We happily accept the request for critique of your magnum opus, "WAR WITHIN". Our entire staff are overwhelmingly excited at the prospect of this veritable literary feast and can barely contain their palpable feelings of joyousness. Please send by return your manuscript post haste, preferably handwritten originals for which we apologise in advance but shall be unable to return.

Markus Dohle, CEO
p.p. Penguin Random House

>>8604072
I'm asking for some fucking criticism for the rest of the fucking letter!

For fuck's sake, either do that or fucking leave this shitty fucking thread.

>>8604094

Just scrap it.

>>8604098
It's getting published locally. All I have to do is sign the contract, and I'll be done. I'm writing this query because I want a broader audience.

>>8604094
shit if you get this mad on 4chan youre gonna have a rough time dealing with everyone's negative reviews.

anyway, want some advice babby? write some sentences that don't make you look like a run of the mill high school kid. i'd suggest reading books and seeing how other people write sentences.

>>8604109

It doesn't matter if your novel is getting published in the third world slum you live in. Any agent looking at this letter will notice the lack of any talent or ability in writing. It's neither concise nor condensed, just awkwardly phrased and screams poorly written. Give up. Publish your airport novel that no one will buy, collect your 200 dollar advance, and move on to something besides writing.

>>8604126

Doesn't matter? Tell me, shitstain, how many writers get their first fucking novel published? How many do that at the age of eighteen?

You're fucking useless. You provided nothing helpful, and are seeming closer and closer to a troll with every reply. Just go do something else with your fucking life.

>>8604060
I read the first page. GRRM demonstrated an ability to write cohesive sentences. He never once gave me the impression English wasn't his first language. These are the things you need to work on most. I have provided you with a book that can train you to write as though you weren't a pleb. This will, in time and with hard work, nip your glaring stylistic problems in the bud.

The local rag that is publishing you is doing so for filler, not literary merit. To not recognize this at 18 would be to set yourself on a path of destructive and unwarranted egotism. I'm trying to protect you from yourself, kiddo. Give up.

>>8603932

My advice still applies from your previous thread. I actually JUST replied to that and I am pleasantly surprised that you are still lurking here. >>8604117

Don't give up. The first step of being good at something is being bad at it.

>>8604006
10/10
I hope you're op and playing the long game, because then I'm going to need a higher number for your score to be out of.

File: ss.jpg (3KB, 125x125px) Image search: [Google]

3KB, 125x125px

>>8604153

Well, you're one of few who have helped. I guess you could say you got a friend in me . . .

OP post the first couple pages of your novel

>>8604164
You people will not judge it fairly. You'll view it with the query letters and the perthitic back and forth comments in mind, and you'll judge it as bad either way. Had one of you requested that earlier, he might've given a fair opinion. Doesn't matter if it would've been good or bad, it would've been fair.

>>8604153
Anyway, would you say the second version is better or not? If so, how can make the third version better still?

>>8604177
>I secretly know it's garbage but I'm too much of an oversensitive ninny to be reminded of that by other people
It's okay slumanon, puberty is on it's way!

>>8603932
For those who are critcising the style:

I know the letter is bad. That's why I uploaded it. But my writing is not like that. I know this is no real indication, but on the Hemingway Editor my writing scores a four, at times a three. My query letters score higher than ten. I'm just not sure how to write a query letter, partly because I'm so terrified of ruining the novel's chances by writing a bad query rather than because of the novel itself.

>>8604183
It's a lot better. You're more engaging from the very start and bitches most certainly will love all the em bars. Would love to read the first couple of pages of your novel OP, or maybe a random paragraph about the exciting genetically engineered birds :3

>>8604190
Real creative, mate. That's definitely not the kind of shit reply I was expecting when I wrote that. But you know it's fucking true. The query will affect your opinions negatively. But again: I've sent it to actual (one of which award-winning) writers and well-read persons and all the reviews thus far have been overwhelmingly positive.

>>8604191
>on the hemingway editor
anon, you're a genius

File: Ye6Hiwg.jpg (50KB, 640x634px) Image search: [Google]

50KB, 640x634px

>>8604163

You caught me at a very good day.


Anyway, regarding your revised edition, the first sentence alone puts me off.

Stop using idioms like "in the heart of." It doesn't do much for your style when you write like you're filling in ad libs.

>The first has the numbers, the supplies, and a solid system of law and connected settlements; the second has a flock of gigantic genetically-engineered birds, and a brutal ideology fitted to the war-ridden world.

The syntax of this line can be significantly improved by rearranging your ideas. One of your selling points is your idea of having genetically-engineering birds but your delivery lacks any sort of ... anything.

Your query alone should demonstrate your writing prowess. Instead all I get is a feeling that the rest of your novel is filled with cliche and predictable plotlines.

>>8604192

I'd love to send them to you.
How can I send them to you and you alone, though? I don't want to have to deal with the rest of the shitposters here right now.

>>8604197
what award winning writer, specifically?

>>8604200
>I know it's no real indication.

>>8604208
anon, I already said you're a genius, you don't need to try to impress me any longer.
you're all ready far better at this than I could ever hope to be.

>>8604210
Do you have a point?

File: 1474904427915.jpg (32KB, 460x291px) Image search: [Google]

32KB, 460x291px

>>8604210

holy fuck am I being trolled by trying to help this guy? This is the best troll I've ever seen if this is true.

>>8604202
[email protected] would work :3

>>8604218
he's great!
He's as good as that one guy who posted about liking Story of the Eye but hating all the other classics, and later in the thread he revealed that the reason he hated the classics was because "none of them matched up to the greatest movie ever made, AKIRA," or something, but he'd made /mu/ charts and anime charts to back up his claims.
It's when trolling becomes high level acting that it becomes close to an artform.

File: VYvmsgV.jpg (112KB, 790x262px) Image search: [Google]

112KB, 790x262px

>>8604202

http://pastebin.com/

Post it there.

1. nobody will steal your idea.
2. do it faggot
3. kill your ego and stop babying your work. It's garbage at its current state and you probably will need to spend a considerable about of money for an editor to begrudgingly sift through every word of it.
4. post your first chapter
5. fucking do it

>>8604228

The level of commitment needed for this type of subtle trolling is beyond anything I have ever fucking seen. If this is a troll then holy fuck I am goddamn impressed.

Bravo OP... fucking bravo

>>8604241
http://pastebin.com/bXnbz2RK

There's something I didn't mention before. The language is contextual. 'Poop' replaces many words.

>>8604271
What the fuck? This is not me.

Please, guys, focus on the fucking query. CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, please.

>>8604271
Guys, ignore that. It's an obvious troll. Just focus on the query.

I'm fucking done. I read two lines about poop and I have had my fill.

This is 4channing at its finest. Thank you for making me laugh while also trolling the fuck out of me. Everyone take your bows, this is done. Please don't continue OP... anything else you do will just dilute your troll.

>>8604260
The first clue is that he's hitting on every point that both triggers /lit/ AND matches with the personae of an egotistical eighteen year old writing self-important, NA (New Adult) science fiction.
Things like bringing up the query letter sent by GRRM (while also being sure to mention that A Game of Thrones is "Award-winning" and "best-selling" to emphasize his character's unnecessary wordiness and condescending, know-it-all attitude)
Later he cites the Hemingway editor to say his character's writings are "good" by the standard of a computer program based on an author /lit/ doesn't like, but also to subvertly show that his personae actually can't tell good prose on his own, and needs the crutch of a computer program to edit.
BUT in a stroke of genius he complicates his characterization by giving his character self-awareness with the line "I know it's no real indication," referring to the hemingway editor program.

Op is a fucking marvel, he is.

File: 50350228.jpg (107KB, 462x348px) Image search: [Google]

107KB, 462x348px

I never thought I'd have an opportunity to use this image macro.

>“Now, m’lady, would you like to join me self for a cup o’ hot poop? I mightn’t call it a date, no m’lady, but it’ll be just like a date,” said the idiot
this reads like Joyce. Even got the odd fascination for fecal stuff

>>8604319
How's that for style, shitstains?

File: 1472935814377.jpg (246KB, 800x959px) Image search: [Google]

246KB, 800x959px

>>8603932
I re-wrote your query to make it more attractive and outstanding.

2 gangs in Grafted City fuck each others up. One gang is HUGE and has their shit together,
the others are insane as fuck and have some brutal Monsanto-sized birds.
This epic shit is told from 3 POVs.
Max, a beta with bad luck, Luke, the coward pussy, and Mercy, a homeless beta loser.
We learn about the effects of this violent war through players, victims, and other folks.
After all, death look more promising than life, the fuckery of war becomes obvious.

I'm particularly fond of this line:

>“Begging your pardon, m’lady, but I’ll say whatever I want. I am the blood of Ancient Poop, and am of the Poop.”
>“Titles, titles.”

It really adds a dimension to your character development. Fucking halarious

>>8604138

He's.... Not wrong

No serious literary agent ('s intern) would spend more than ten seconds on your query before tossing it

Even ignoring the grammar, your query structure is so off that it won't be considered

Go read some successful queries and literary agent blogs. Miss Snark is kind of the classic... There are also several reddit threads that go over structure well

Be concise, clearly state the hook, avoid world building or exposition

The purpose of the query is literally just to hook the agent's interest enough that they request more

And to be completely honest, your query implies your general writing skills are underdeveloped...

Do you read enough? Do you have influences?

File: na2mA2KHgt2z0mUl.png (73KB, 250x164px) Image search: [Google]

73KB, 250x164px

>>8603932

Have you ever felt an impending sense of doom when you stare up into the skies? Does the sight of an endless array of birds — that could be genetically modified — delve deep into your own science-fearing psyche and unleash a terror that you would never be able to fathom otherwise?

Well, that's what Max, the main protagonist, feels almost every day. In fact in his world genetically-modified birds aren't just a reality, it's also a life-threatening possibility.

Let me tickle your intrigue by introducing to you the lives of three individuals who may — or may not — have been in a war. Let's both explore their world as we enter into... THE WAR WITHIN.

File: dfw_getting_hot.png (180KB, 425x314px) Image search: [Google]

180KB, 425x314px

>>8604381
rev up those publishers, let's get this fucking masterpiece p r i n t e d

>>8603932
OP, is English your first language? If so, try reading this aloud and you will see how awkward it sounds. If not, it's probably not worth trying to write in a second language when you're still not completely fluent.