What does /lit/ think of my short story? This is the first thing

>>8477781
Sometimes, if no one was looking Mark would quickly take a glance and look inside Grey to see what contents it held. The inside was black. Black seats, black floor, black wheel. There was a large dark green winter coat in the back seat lying on its left side that had flattened out due to age. There were two crumpled up tissues nestled in the crack of the passengers seat. There was a bottle of Poland Springs water in the first of two cup holders, the cap was always half on. What puzzled Mark was that there was no dust on it. Infact, there was little to no dust anywhere in the car. Maybe someone had been living there at night? But it was unlikely as mark had never seen anything in the car move from the times he had looked in. Mark had never checked to see if the door was locked out of fear and out of respect for its possible owner. He was quite interested in finding out more about the owner he checked the License plate on his phone but nothing came up. He had imagined that perhaps the owner had died many years ago and that their care was never found. Maybe it was owned by a nightshift worked with OCD who always had to park in the exact same way everyday. It was unlikely but it would explain why it was always in the same place and why there was no dust build up. It was also possible that a homeless person had been living in there. If this was true the homeless person must have never ate in there, also how would they get it to open without breaking the window or the keys?
Marks fascination was overwhelmed. Maybe today was a different day than most. Maybe it was the wonderful weather that was not too cold or to hot. Maybe it was the colors that made everything in the city look more inviting, maybe it was the air that just made everyone feel like they were in some warm children's book. It didn’t matter much to Mark though all he wanted to know was who’s car was this? What was Grey’s story?

continued...

>>8477785
Mark slowly looked around the parking lot to see if anyone was looking. He spent a while staring up at the office building above. Most of the windows were closed and he couldn’t see anyone looking down. If he did this quickly no one would notice. He reached his hand out quickly to the passenger door’s handle. Quickly pulling it to see if it was. As he pulled the door opened up much faster than he had expected and pushed him back about half a foot. Mark got extremely nervous and his eyes shot up to the building above. Each window had the possibility that the owner of the car was staring through it. Mark quickly closed the door and walked a ten feet away from it with his hands in his pocket. His blood was pumping and he felt like there was electricity flowing through his veins. His heart rate was heightened and he nervously waited to see if anyone would come out of the building. He waited about 15 minutes and when his excitement and anxiety had finally boiled down her quickly inched back to the car, this time only glancing at the building above as he was fairly confident anybody already working there had been gone or was busy with work.
This time he quickly flung the door open and stepped slowly into the car, crouching down into the passenger's seat, closing the door swiftly but quietly behind him. At this point Mark was anxious again, constantly looking around through the window and trying to obscure himself into the scenery with the car. He had no plan other than to open the door and run if the owner showed up. After a minute or two had passed and the excitement had cooled from a flame to an ember he started to become accounted to his surroundings. The car smelled like an old book. This was initially shocking to Mark because the smell was very noticeable and fairly unpleasant. He looked at through the back, not noticing anything except the coat. He decided to look through the coat’s pockets. He pulled it towards him like a drowned cat and sunk his hand into each large pocket. All of them were empty. This let Mark down a little bit so instead he decided to check the glove compartment. In here he found generally normal stuff. Some drivers manual, some old brush to clean with and a small brown paper book. Opening the book he found writing an almost intelligible cursive. He could only make out several words: “Melon”, “Banker”, “Lost”, “Time”. After this slight disappointment Mark got out of the car cautiously, looking around to see if there was anyone who had noticed him. Luckily no one had.

continued...

>>8477792
As he walked a few yards away, ready to continue on with his night he started to wonder what it all meant. What if the owner had been a melon farmer who lost money and couldn’t pay the bank back in time? Maybe he parked his car here and he wandered away and took his own life? This though seemed rather morbid but one does often jump to the darkest or most extreme conclusion first as to never underestimate any situation. This seemed like it could be possible but if it was true it is likely that someone would have found the car and it seems unlikely that no one would move it. Maybe the owner was a banker who bought melons. Maybe he lost these melons and couldn’t find his way back. This seemed unlikely and made little sense. He wondered and wondered but at the end of the day he had no single fucking clue.

fin.
would love feedback :3

tl;dr

>>8477819
but i spent a lot of time on it anon :(

>>8477799
I think you need to refine your punctuation a bit. Also, it seems like some of the words here and there should be changed. Just read it and think about being a reader instead of the writer.
Overall it was alright. The ending kind of fell flat for me too.

"Please be kind"

See look the thing though is if it's the first thing you've written I don't even need to read it to know that it sucks. Believe me, you'll learn way more cranking out shit and making tough decisions about how to improve than you will heeding the advice of anonymous strangers' reactions to your first attempt at a craft that takes a lifetime to master.

>>8477781
Fuck off

>>8477894
>i don't need to read it to know it sucks

lol

>>8477944
Not him, but I went ahead and read the first paragraph for you. Here's the big stuff.

>the air that while practically reminiscent of the the year before had a certain level of heaviness soaking it down to the floor and earth
That while is wrong. You're saying that theres a fragrance thats familiar or feels familiar, but then its extremely thick. Why is it extremely thick. All you have to say is "Theres a new fragrance that is very reminiscent of the previous year, and was extremely thick." You saying 'practically reminiscent' means that its not exactly reminiscent, meaning its not the same scent or whatever, meaning that its not weird that its now very heavy.


>but few were talking and no one said words that didn’t need to be said.
But few were talking, and the ones that were kept their conversations to a minimum/only spoke hushed tones and very infrequently/only said what needed to be said.
The way you put it looks like "Only a few people were talking and then everybody only said things they needed to."


Idk why you describe the clouds as tampons, other than a lack of imagination or for the sake of being gross, both of which are stupid. I dont and never will want to think of clouds as tampons, and don't know why you think thats good imagery.

>Parked near perfectly in the middle of a row of empty parking spaces was “Grey”
You just said the parking lot had other cars in it, and now it seems like the entire lot is empty. This may just be an opinion thing, but you can word it better. "One car, parked alone in the lot" or whatever.

>and how they worked, what their names were,
A sentence or two before you said he gave them names. You have to clarify, and say he didn't know their makes or their models.

>Grey was a surprisingly well kept old car that appeared to be from around the late 90’s.
Two sentences later, you say he has knowledge of one car, even though you just described him as having no knowledge. You may not have specifically said 'he doesn't know their year of make' but its still contradictory

>Mark had never seen it moved
Redundant, you already told us they hadnt moved in ages. Sentence after that should also go right after the first sentence about them never moving.

The entire 'the car was itself physically but not metaphysically' thing is done very poorly. You're trying to say that the car has new properties that make your protag more drawn to it.
But this is literally what you said.
"Jenny wasn't Jenny today, well she was Jenny, but Jenny looked prettier today."


So, like the other guy said, its shit. I'm not going to bother to read the rest

>>8478008
>So, like the other guy said, its shit. I'm not going to bother to read the rest

thanks for the tips but you didn't need to be mean about it :(

bump :(

>>8479519
>first thing I've ever written outside of school
>please be kind
what's the point then? it's obviously going to be bad, but you're asking people not to say why it's bad. if you just want someone to say "wow, anon, you're so talented" you should just show these to your pals.

>>8477799
The tone you use shifts a lot you use very fancy words and then say "normal stuff" and "fucking clue" it's very jarring

Also those fancy words aren't always describing things well. Why is the coat a drowned cat as he pulls it towards him? Why are the clouds fucking tampons?

Overall it's pretty decent for a short story though I had a short story class and I read far far worse

File: john berryman.jpg (35KB, 500x405px) Image search: [Google]

35KB, 500x405px

You, guy, are just starting out and that means that most feedback is going to be, 'this sucks try again.' And that's good advice.

So that said I read your first paragraph and thought to myself, why do so many of your fuckin' nouns have agency? Why does your city find itself somewhere? Why has Monday brought something? Also, I get weather is almost the definition of atmosphere, but shit that first paragraph needs Mark to have a problem fuckin right away. I need those used tampon clouds (you fuckin kidding?) to remind Mark that he just murdered his cousin and needs to get rid of the body. He can philosophize all he wants as soon as I give a shit about what's happening to him. Fiction needs conflict mother fucker.

Also, loose all adverbs until your 30th birthday.

>>8479565
>Also, loose all adverbs until your 30th birthday.
why?