Well /lit/, it's that time again. The Critique-My-Writing

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Sorry about the gross spacing in the OP. Amending it now.

For at least the first hour, the party was unremarkable. The Bushwick apartment was small, and the group of friends stood or sat drinking in a tight circle around the keg they had ordered. Band posters and flyers for shows decked the walls, and one upbeat punk song followed another on Sakshi’s stereo.

“Like we’re in a fucking frat,” Donnie remarked.

But then the topic of conversation came to center on Sakshi and the relationship she had just ended.

“So tell us, Sakshi,” Avi cooed, “whatever happened to that white boy you were dating.”

Sakshi downed her beer and set the cup on a table. “Funny you should ask. We don’t talk anymore. Peter was nice, but I got the feeling he was only into me for my ass.”

“Who wouldn’t be?” Donnie quipped to light snickers.

“Well, I have a sparkling personality, too, dick.” Sakshi stuck her tongue out at Donnie. “Anyway, he was always staring at it whenever we were out, and he’d fondle me in the most embarrassing places. So one day we were lying in bed and he said something to me about my ass, I don’t remember what, and it pissed me off so I said, ‘You like it so much, have it.’ I crawled on top of him and plopped myself down on his face. At first I could tell he enjoyed it because of the little white bulge in his boxers, but then he started struggling for air and I could feel him try to gasp beneath my undies. His mouth was opening and closing against my cheeks. So I just pressed down harder and rubbed my foot up and down his dick. Soon he was scratching at my thighs, but I just held down his wrists and asked him what was wrong, I thought he liked my ass. I was a real bitch, I started to wiggle it around and I stroked his dick faster and faster. I might have kicked him in the balls a few times, too,” she said with a laugh.

Her audience was enraptured.

“So, what happened?” asked Janine.

>>8433390
“Well, he passed out. The little bitch.” Sakshi took a deep swig of her beer before continuing: “When he stopped moving I rolled off of him. He was out cold, but he was breathing slowly. I figured the least I could do was finish him, so I pulled down his boxers and jerked him off till he came all over his stomach. He woke up in twenty minutes or so and I could tell that he was confused, so I greeted him like nothing was wrong. ‘What’s up, assman?’ I asked. He sat up in bed and felt the cum on his stomach with his hand. ‘Did I pass out?’ he asked. I said, ‘Yeah, and you made a mess of my sheets, too, you fucking pervert.’ And get this, he actually apologized. Well, after that, he started begging me to knock him out, I swear. He asked me to tie him to the bed, to wear all sorts of different underwear, to put his nose up my asshole. And every time I would make him cum after he went unconscious. He actually liked to wake up with his own cum smeared all over himself, so I started putting it on his face while he slept.”

“Jesus fucking Christ, Sakshi,” Thomas said with a wretch. He finished his beer and immediately started pouring himself another.

“Yeah, well, it wasn’t long before it started getting old. He didn’t even want to fuck me anymore. He just wanted me to sit on his face and jerk him off. So one day I decided to break up with him. But I’m not good at breaking up with boys, I always feel bad and stop halfway through the speech. So instead I was gonna make him break up with me. It was just a few nights ago. We drank for a little bit and then he asked to be tied to the bed. ‘Sure, baby,’ I told him. ‘Just take off your clothes.’ After he got naked and I had tied his wrists and ankles to the bed posts, he asked me what I was gonna wear. ‘Nothing,’ I said, ‘tonight you’re getting my bare ass.’ He seemed pretty happy about it, and before I sat down on him I made him kiss each cheek over and over again. I liked to raise myself up and force him to strain for it. The whole time he just went on and on about how much he loved my ass and how much he didn’t deserve it and blah, blah, blah.”

“What a loser,” Thomas interrupted, halfway through his next beer.

“Shut up,” Avi shushed him, putting a finger to his lips. “What happened next?”

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>>8433392
“I finally decided to plop myself down and he immediately started struggling against his binds and sucking up every bit of air he could get down there. I didn’t even have to touch him and his little dick was erect. I had timed it before, and he usually lasted about four minutes before he passed out, so three and half minutes in I said, ‘Hey baby, I wanna try something new,’ and I started pissing all over his face.”

The room erupted in laughter and Thomas put his face in his hands in disgust.

“Really, I just kept letting it out, I could feel his face getting wet against my ass. He was really flailing around then, but I had tied him down so tight that he couldn’t shake me. I must have pissed for a minute straight. You should have seen how fast his little boner went down. I think he went unconscious a little before I finished. When I stood up he started breathing again and driblets of pee went right up his nostrils. He was fucking dripping all over and it was getting on my sheets. I decided I’d get him off one last time, for his sake, but this time I jerked him off with his boxers in my hand so he’d have to walk home with cum in his underwear.”

“You fucking witch,” Avi laughed.

>>8433375
>To come up to her room with her.
Fucking dropped. Your writing didn't even last a sentence. Do you understand how terrible this is? It's redundant.

Your prose is also very poor, in general.

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>>8433394
This is the final installment for now:

“He was a creep!” Sakshi said with a grin. “Anyway, I untied him and it took him a whole hour to wake up, but when he did he was furious. He remembered everything. He barely even spoke to me as he threw on his shirt. I said, ‘What, you didn’t like it?’ but he just ignored me. He groaned when he realized there was cum in his boxers, but he put them on anyway. When he was dressed he just grabbed his backpack and left. Didn’t even wash his face! I haven’t heard from him since.”

“Bravo!” clapped Janine, and the rest of the friends joined in, delivering a thunderous round of applause for their hostess.

“So Tommy,” she said, “I’m single if you’re looking to experiment.”

“You’re sick,” he replied and got up to go to the bathroom.

After each of the friends had commented in one way or another on Sakshi’s story, Sakshi turned to Janine and asked, “Well, Michael’s a white boy. Is he a pervert, too?”

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>>8433398
>dropped
>your pose is also very poor

How could you know that without reading further, pervertchan?

Anyway, you're right about the "with her," that is redundant. Thanks!