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Here I go. Judge my new poem.
The lights are alive in San Francisco.
They ignite the city by the bay. They
Flicker and dance across the streets
Where millions have been and
Millions more will come.
Their cascade of colors,
From the red/yellow/green
Of the traffic lights,
To the flashing white and pink
Of a neon sign that advertises
The scantily clad women
With their own pulsating lights inside.
I followed the torrent of lights
Down Columbus avenue;
I waltzed with them
On a Wednesday night
As I navigated the sleepy street.
I saw them shine on other stragglers
Whose sunbaked faces rarely smile back
I saw how the well-groomed faces
Had developed habits of
Turning away,
And grimacing whenever an empty hand
Was extended.
As I was a foreigner to this bayside
Anthill,
I gazed with eyes widened and mouth
Agape,
And paid the price quickly with wallet
Or guilt.
As I quickly learned to look away
And grimace.
Instead I looked up and followed the lights as midnight turned to 4am.
The bayside wind was stiff and cool
As I found the darkened beach
Where I lay my head on my backpack
For the night,
Though the sun soon followed me.
Before the brightness and radiation
Could penetrate my skin and
Force my eyelids to half-mast,
I wondered at the eternal tidal mirror
As it played it's show,
Of the living lights that
Illuminated the streets
Of San Francisco.
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>>8421188
I read the whole thing.
Life will never be the same.
Now I'm a homo.
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I'm not going to say it's good, but I am proud of it.
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>>8421221
Is that a judgment?
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>>8421188
It sucks
>>
>>8421223
Is that your house?
>>
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Fishing for real responses. Criticism, where I went wrong, is there something I am doing well etc.
>>
>gazed
>agape
>illuminated
>penetrate
>scantily clad
>flicker and dance
>cascade
>navigated
>grimacing
So the crossword puzzle guy wrote a poem!
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>>8421353
I'm not sure what you meant.
Use more direct words?
>>
>>8421252
OP it doesn't 'suck' as much as it's just a notated narrative; it's not really a poem as much as it is a personal tale w/observations.
Albeit, I enjoyed it, I felt your experience, somewhat, and your ponderings were interesting, but, thematically there's no focal point - it just a sporadic set of observations in San Francisco that don't necessarily tie together unless I give a damn about you, which so happens I do.
And, it's difficult to tell; is the poem about you or is it about San Franciso?
Anyway brilliant stuff. Keep it up!
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>>8421407
I'm a Minnesota boy who took an ill advised trip out there.
And thank you, I want it to be about me.
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>>8421417
Jeebus mcgibbins..
>>
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>>8421454
Don't you think it's a crazy world we live in?
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>>8421389
I'm getting back to you a bit late, but I'll give you some better criticism.
>scantily clad
>flicker and dance
>navigated
These are cliché phrases. We read poetry for startling, novel juxtapositions of words. Poetry itself comes from the Greek "poesis" which means creation. Did you create a new perspective of San Francisco or are you just using the equivalent of Shutterstock for your landscape? The way you've described San Francisco does not make it seem any different from downtown Palookaville.
As for words such as
>gazed
>agape
>illuminated
you're nickle and diming your poem with pretentious, collegiate clichés that no one likes to read.
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>>8421188
Its alright. Not bad, not great, just good. It doesn't strike me any which way. Its just an outsider's string of observations.
Maybe if there were more inflection or something. There isn't really any resolution. What did you learn, why did you react this way. If you just tell me facts, its my reaction, my feelings, not yours.
Also I'd basically agree with this anon >>8421590
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Here I Go:
McDonalds Man
McDonalds Man
The french fries had a plan
The french fries had a plan
The salad bar and the ketchup made a band
Cus the french fries had a plan
The french fries had a plan
McDonalds Man
McDonalds
I know them french fries have a plan
I know them french fries have a plan
The cheeseburger and the shakes formed a band
To overthrow the french fries plan
I always knew them french fries was evil man
Smelling all good and shit
I don't trust no food that smells that good man
I don't trust it
I just can't
McDonalds Man
McDonalds Man
McDonalds, damn
Them french fries look good tho
I knew the Diet Coke was jealous of the fries
I knew the McNuggets was jealous of the fries
Even the McRib was jealous of the fries
I could see it through his artificial meat eyes
And he only be there some of the time
Everybody was jealous of them french fries
Except for that one special guy
That smooth apple pie
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>>8421645
I must've stumbled into a New York bar on open-mic slam poetry night.
That's ok, I prefer drinking alone at home anyways.
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>>8421590
stupid
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>>8421645
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zh942B0QmRU
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