i think i've been getting the wrong things out of reading

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i think i've been getting the wrong things out of reading philosophy

all it's done is make me realize 90% of the time the reasons i give myself for my decisions are total bs and just a matter of contingent feeling

like, i've always liked literature and art history and could, for all intents and purposes, do either in graduate school. but when i tell myself why in favor of one over the other, the reason boils down to "because i want to" -- which is suspect in so many ways

how do you live with this, that the only reasons for anything are the ones you invent for yourself? how can just fucking trust my gut more and stop ocding over teleological waffling?