hey /lit/, I wanted to know your opinion on my opening line.

>>8359688
It's a bit shit

Thunder is the sound, pal.

>>8359720
can you elaborate?

It's good OP.

Don't listen to these fags.

Continue writing and editing until it's done.

>>8359754
thank you

>>8359737
It's generic as fuck OP, also thunder is the noise, lightning is what strikes.

>>8359759
anything wrong with the writing specifically?

>>8359688
You've got two simultaneous descriptions which are mutually exclusive, and as someone said, thunder is the sound (though a thunderbolt isn't). 'Whiplashes' is the wrong word as that is something that a body being struck does (at best) and it wouldn't melt your bones but only scorch your skin, would it? You can keep some of the mutually exclusive bits and write them off as hyperbolic metaphor, but not all of it. Also look up the actual effects of being hit by lightning I guess. Anchises just came off with a limp.

>>8359765
That is something specifically wrong with the writing.

>>8359779
thank you

>When thunder strikes, three hundred thousand volts of electric anger whiplashes through your body in a second;
When lightning strikes, three hundred thousand volts of electricity jolt to earth in less than a second.

>scorches your skin tissue, melts your bone, reduces you to nothing on the ground, as your soul seeps out through your skull with the red, viscous liquid.
If you were caught in the middle of it, you would be reduced to nothing against the ground.

>This unfortunate calamity befell one Dr. James, who was seared to a crisp as he walked home to his precious wife and son.
(Delete precious, otherwise no change)

Your opener is a bit busy with imagery. Especially for a novella, you need to hook the audience as soon as possible. I know I'm not the best writer, but I did a quick once over to tighten up the clarity, and remove some of the fluff.

>>8359795
thank you, this is great

Please kerp writing, OP. This is hilarious.

>>8359688
What's Dr James a doctor of? If it's medicine explain lightning in strictly medical terms. If his a physicist, use physics etc. That way you can establish the tone/characterization up front without the contradicting & hyperbolic imagery.

>>8359795
One last thing
>as he walked home to his precious wife and son.
as he walked home to his precious wife's son.

That sounds a little better.

>>8359820
thank you! (btw he's a chemist but thats just one of the things the reader never finds out)

>>8359808
because its so horrible?

>>8359829
http://www.chemistryislife.com/the-chemistry-of-lightning

>>8359865
lol, thanks

>>8359822
To add to this, you should emphasize that his name is Tyrone.

>>8359688
Well, that would convince me to shut the book and keep on walking. It's hopeless.

>>8359822
No, no.
>as he walked home to Precious, his wife and son.
Leave it ambiguous.