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I wrote a (very) short story and am looking for critique. Please advise.
Feeling a bit adventurous this particular day, David decided to get his pre-work coffee at Starbucks instead of Dunkin Donuts, where he usually went. Both were on the same block as the parking garage he frequented, and so it was really no inconvenience. He thought of it as his “pre-work” coffee because what he thought of as his “morning” coffee was consumed at home, but wasn’t enough to get him through his ninety-minute commute and the first half of the work day.
He walked into the air-conditioned shop and got on line. Music played quietly in the background: “I’m high as a kite / I just might / Stop to check you out…”.
“I hate Mumford and Sons,” David said to nobody in particular.
The guy in front of him, who was older but had more hair, turned around and looked at him without saying anything. David looked at nothing in particular on his phone until he was at the register, when he looked up and gasped. He started to stutter.
“Uh, h-hi, c-could I have a uh, uh…”
“Hey David! Didn’t expect to see you here. How have you been?”
David stared, mouth wide. He was unprepared for this. He was unsure what tone to take.
“I’m fine. Doing great. In a bit of hurry. Large coffee please.”
“Well, uh, fine…”
While his coffee was being prepared, he looked back at his phone. She looked at him once, and then didn’t bother looking at him again. When it was ready, he took it and walked out the door without looking back.
Once he got up to his office, however, his thoughts returned to her.
‘So she’s working at Starbucks. Makes sense. And that haircut. Wow. Not going anywhere, I see.’
After a few hours of work, David had his lunch break, where he had another coffee. He worked for a few more hours, and then left the office and walked back to his car. Two hours later, he walked into his large and rather quiet house, sat on the couch, watched a few hours of television , and went to bed. Five and a half hours later, he would wake from a fitful sleep and, with a cup of coffee and a pop-tart, get back into his car.
After David left, she turn to help the next customer, and then the next. During her lunch break, she walked to the deli around the corner, where she had a conversation with the old man who lived across the hall from her. She clocked out at 4:15, walked home (stopping to pet the dog who lived next door) and read a novel until he got home at 6:30 -- he’d had the 10-6 today -- and then they went to dinner and a movie. It wasn’t great, but when they got back they kissed in the elevator on the way up, brushed their teeth, and went to bed. Approximately 9 hours later, they would wake up and have sex, then fall back asleep.
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CRAAAAAWWWWLING IN MY SKINNNNN
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>>8299295
THESE WOUNDS THEY WILL NOT HEAL
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>>8297848
absolute shit me next:
Fresh cut grass enticed the gleeful sparrows, who in the wake of the large machine bore witness to a sea of delicacies. Beetles, mites, spiders and worms scurried amongst the chaos of a reclaimed habitat; the once tall grass cut to inches or matted low by the wheels’ weight. Eager and hungry, the host of sparrows soared high and low, swooping down to the earth to claim their sustenance manifest.
Frank looked back as his trail of small scale destruction provoked a ballet of flight and laughed. His laugh went unheard under the thundering tractor.
When the field had been entirely cut, Frank stepped out of the craft and gazed upon his work with priggish satisfaction. In a matter of minutes he had quelled nature’s inevitable urge to grow and fulfill. The aftermath had laid a feast before the mooning birds whom he knew were forever in his debt.
“They’re so happy,” said a passing young woman. “I wish it was that easy for all of us.”
She smiled at Frank and Frank smiled back, irked that no clever response entered his mind in time to impress the girl. He knew this field and these birds better than most, yet when at hand, his thoughts went blank. All he could do was smile.
As she walked away he could see the sun beat down on her bare legs, drawing sweat from her soft skin that clung to the dust kicked up by her feet.
Frank slowly became engrossed in the young woman’s delicacy and beauty, his desire to stare becoming ever more insatiate. In reluctance he returned to his motor and with a simple flick it bellowed in glorious power.
On his way to the Southern field he couldn’t stop thinking of the woman. Her face. Her voice. How he had nothing to say.
“I could, uh, I’m sure I could make it that easy,” he uttered to himself in a whisper, imagining the suave tone in which he could have responded. He quickly laughed at himself for such an unlikelihood as he pulled up to the field of tall grass, sparrows lazing in the cool dirt of the main road.
“Me too,” is what he should have said, Frank thought to himself. He agreed with her; if only it was this easy. For him to change the lives of these sparrows so quickly and simply was nothing short of a miracle in his mind. “She probably wouldn’t think so. I sound crazy.” He laughed again at himself to reassure his normality.
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>>8297848
How dull and poorly written. You genuinely cannot think or write.
>‘So she’s working at Starbucks. Makes sense. And that haircut. Wow. Not going anywhere, I see.’
I almost spat at my computer reading this drivel.
>boring autistic "reflections" on his coffee
>“Uh, h-hi, c-could I have a uh, uh…”
You aren't on 4chan writing greentext, you weirdo
>“Well, uh, fine…”
Don't write shit like this. Describe how confused or unnerved she was instead of this autism.
>After a FEW HOURS of work, David had his lunch break, where he had another coffee. He worked for a FEW MORE HOURS, and then left the office and walked back to his car. TWO HOURS later, he walked into his large and rather quiet house, sat on the couch, watched a FEW HOURS of television , and went to bed. Five and a half HOURS later,
Seriously, end yourself.
>It wasn’t great
Blown away here! I know it's intentional but it's shit
>LOOKED at him without saying anything. David LOOKED at nothing in particular on his phone until he was at the register, when he LOOKED UP and gasped
>He was unprepared for this
He was not*
> then fall back asleep.
to sleep*
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