Hey I'm really bad with story structure, I've writ

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Anonymous
2016-06-14 21:17:38 Post No. 8162353
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Anonymous 2016-06-14 21:17:38 Post No. 8162353 [Report]

Hey I'm really bad with story structure, I've written something that I quite like in essence but I know the structure isn't great and I was wondering if somebody with good literary criticism could help me shape the story better?
I make no apologies, I am a beginner, thanks.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bcY3LQrOkZs7LJ_vG8Ex6yKOylKqjTgGhIxH1d5wjuc/edit?usp=sharing

Anonymous 2016-06-14 21:22:33 Post No.8162369
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Anonymous 2016-06-14 21:22:33 Post No.8162369 [Report]

Awful to say the least

Anonymous 2016-06-14 21:24:16 Post No.8162374
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Anonymous 2016-06-14 21:24:16 Post No.8162374 [Report]

>>8162353
>I was wondering if somebody with good literary criticism could help me shape the story better
kys dood

Anonymous 2016-06-14 21:27:59 Post No.8162382
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Anonymous 2016-06-14 21:27:59 Post No.8162382 [Report]

>>8162369
>>8162374
I doubt you've read the whole thing in that time which is just poor critical skills

Anonymous 2016-06-15 06:25:00 Post No.8163783
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Anonymous 2016-06-15 06:25:00 Post No.8163783 [Report]

>>8162353
I read the whole of it. I can confirm it's awful.

Anonymous 2016-06-15 06:35:56 Post No.8163804
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Anonymous 2016-06-15 06:35:56 Post No.8163804 [Report]

Thanks thats really helpful

Anonymous 2016-06-15 06:40:15 Post No.8163814
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Anonymous 2016-06-15 06:40:15 Post No.8163814 [Report]

shifting from nick's pov to the mob's is kind of jarring. the first sentence is bland. the daughter has zero personality. paul and the mob's motivations are unclear.

Anonymous 2016-06-15 06:45:50 Post No.8163825
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Anonymous 2016-06-15 06:45:50 Post No.8163825 [Report]

the story appears to be there but yeah the writing is terrible. sorry. read more and write more.

Anonymous 2016-06-15 07:11:46 Post No.8163873
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Anonymous 2016-06-15 07:11:46 Post No.8163873 [Report]

>>8162353

“I just can’t join you at the precinct today, Paul. I’m sorry.” he said, looking him in the eye.

“Fucking pussy.” he heard the Longsight lad say under his breath.

I'm getting excited!

Anonymous 2016-06-15 11:45:58 Post No.8164244
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Anonymous 2016-06-15 11:45:58 Post No.8164244 [Report]

I really need clearer feedback.. one last attempt please. Whats wrong is it my sentence structure?

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