What do you thing of the lyrics of the song I've started

>>7727058
Seems cliche
>end rhyme every line
Feels forced
>When I look into your eye
Not very original

Maybe it would be a better poem than a song.

I don't know shit though, I'm an English major.

>>7727058
m-e-d-i-o-c-r-e

passable

Put it in the critique thread.

Also it's shit

>>7727058
>>7715561

>>7727058
it's crap.
here's one of my crap poems to make you feel better.

Well timed affection,
near criminal lust,
Mindlessly stimulate,
forging intimate trust,
Well timed affection,
love prevailing,
affection infection,
my soul keeps wailing,
Mental Connection,
The passion won't wait,
Affection Infection,
my heart on your plate.

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It's sappy and reeks of teen spirit.
It's what a newcomer to love would write.
It's basically bad borderline bullshit,
But if you're into that kind of stuff, it's alright.

>>7727058

what are you trying to make? a Pop hit? If so, rework stanza 3/ chorus final two lines to something more catchy.

Also, all your rhymes end with one syllable words.
I have the feeling you haven't rhymed a lot.
Not every sentence needs to end with a rhyme,
As long as the last rhyme drops it like it's hot.

>>7727141

your rhythm is shit
suck on my dick

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>>7727141
>Not every sentence needs to end with a rhyme
I never understood English poetic rules.

They're weird.

I do not like it.
I am sorry,truly,but that went into my repressed memories,next to /b:

http://vocaroo.com/i/s0boB1ndcjAw

this is what the song sounds like

>>7727151
That rhyme is wack,
Suck on my sack.

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How about mine?

>I've finally found out where our spirits go

Stopped reading there.

>>7727058
Reads like a christian rock song

Sounds like something a teenager would write for a girl he liked which she would quietly listen to before telling him "ha ha that's nice"

>>7727058
/r/im14andthisisdeep