I was born in the rolling hills of north georgia, united states.

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I was born in the rolling hills of north georgia, united states. if i was offered a million dollars to have to move to an apartment in the middle of a big city I wouldn't take it. i've had some strange psychological obstacles. i was abused as a child in a few forms. i think it was a disposition from my stupidity. i wish i were smarter. I have an IQ of 100.. i was tested when i was diagnosed with being schizoaffective. although i've had a few struggles, i've also been very blessed with certain entertainment. my dad taught me to love the land and my mom disobeyed my dad and bought me my favorite video games. my brain has been rotted for the majority of my life without realizing it. my psychology allows me to have good mental defences, but I am a bad creator.

i'm 26 and i'm going to probably be NEET for the rest of my life. i've scoured the internet for the past few years to stave off nihilism and "depression". i found this page probably a month ago. at first it was like a hidden wonder of the world for me. i couldn't understand anything that y'all were talking about, but i have been visiting more frequently recently. i've come to realize that to understand literature, you have to have some sort of love for it. i've never enjoyed reading. i've always been more of a picture person. i grew up around farm equipment and animals and fishing, so my mind has developed to a point to where i don't understand a lot of words, and to simply put- sentence structure. i don't even know what the word "prose" means. i see it and hear it. before i was diagnosed with my disorder i was writing and drawing pictures but none of it made sense. it was all random mostly. it came from my mind and i created it, but it just didn't make sense. the more i visit this place the more i am realizing that I may never be able to understand how to properly structure a story properly or even be able to converse deeply and about the complexity that some authors present.

today was a big hit. i learned about david foster wallace. he really piqued my interest because his quotes are a little easier to understand than a lot of writing that i've been exposed to. what the problem is is that i started reading some more of his longer quotes and i couldn't really understand them. i decided to go to youtube and listen to some of his interviews to see if i could get some insight and try to develop some sort of sense about him so that i could read a book and be able to understand it. it's not working, and i'm getting frustrated. i'm not smart enough to understand the majority of the literature i'm interested in. fuck anime. fuck reddit. fuck history in general (it's mostly lies/manipulated to fit a narrative) and fuck religious texts. i want to get into something that can give me a greater sense of my own humanity, but i'm not able to get anything to click. am i starting out too strong? i want to develop my mind and be able to have an interesting conversation. my brain is rotten! any help?