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>>8836589
i had this realization the other day... being on hrt for about that long made me realize how unbelievably bad my face looks and that it will always hold me back and clock me. even after spending thousands of dollars that I don't have I'd still look not great at best. kind of just want to kill myself
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>>8836589
Just repress or stay permaboymode.
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>>8836589
Save cash and have surgery.
You can't say you tried everything until you had both FFS and been on hormones for 2+ years.
Meanwhile go boimode while taking care of your skin, learning proper makeup and having laser on your beard.
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>>8836589
You can be ugly and still pass.
Passing doesnt mean being a beauty.
Get a job, take a loan, sell your body idk Just die something
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you're 5 months in, give HRT time to work
It takes two, three years for most of the visual effects to have happened, and even then things can change
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>>8836589
>>8836621
I've been on HRT for a tad over thirteen months now, and I haven't had much in the way of physical change. I've had some breast development (about half a cup size or so), and my skin is softer/clearer, but otherwise not much has changed physically. It is very hard constantly fearing not being able to pass; I do every day, I look in the mirror, and I see a grotesque man who has zero chance of ever passing. He has broad shoulders and a thick barrel chest; he's not tall so he looks really boxy and about as far from feminine as one can imagine while still within the human range.
It really does take time, and lots of it, for the strong feminizing changes to show up. That's time that you can work on those other things that are within your control that have a huge impact as well, not just on feminine presentation but on your mental health. Taking little steps like starting hair removal and perfecting your makeup technique really go a long way towards getting through those feelings of being disgusting and wanting to die. Well, more important is seeing progress in those areas, often that stuff kicks up more dysphoria for me because it often highlights my masculinity, but seeing that change over time does help.
The police hauled me off to the ER about a month ago for suicidal ideation, it's a dark road I know, and a lot of it was that same thought about never being able to pass and not being able to go back. Everyone is different of course, but as you take those steps towards transition, those things that you can control, you will start to feel better about yourself. Even really tiny things help; painting your nails, plucking your brows, or getting your hair styled.
I've been doing the photographic timeline thing, I took some pics of myself just before starting HRT, and I take a new one every so often. That lets me see those little changes more easily. We don't notice them because we see ourselves all the time, but they are happening.
Don't give up.
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>>8836956
>The police hauled me off to the ER about a month ago for suicidal ideation
How did they catch you?
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>>8836984
I had a pretty bad break down one night and opened up to my roomie about my thoughts; I was wanting to die because I didn't feel feminine enough and knowing that I wouldn't ever pass. We talked for a couple of hours, and when I was feeling better, she went about her business. Thinking that all was well again, I followed suit and then about ten minutes later the police were at my bedroom door.
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>>8836589
I'd say keep going, theres always top surgery if you want to back out in the future.
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>>8836589
I realized it even before, its hard to admit to yourself
so what can you really do... ignore it, find any way to improve it - makeup, hair, save for ffs
dont mentally torment yourself over it
would you really want to go back? being a guy with some manboobs... vs being unpassing tranny? shitty choice but think what's a lesser suffering for you
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>>8836635
differen't anon here, I've had FFS and 3 years of hrt, am I allowed to end it now?
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You guys should give it some time, and even then, you need to control if you are delusional. Maybe you are way harsher on yourselves than anyone else. Get some honest opinions. If you still fail, you still have the options of going back, if you can live with that, or maybe better, you can get really fat which will hide the bad parts of your body shape and face and may make it easier to pass.
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>>8840143
>detransition
That's a cute way to spell suicide
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>>8836589
Why don't trannies ever think they might end up ugly and unpassable?
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>>8837650
Not until you lose weight and go full plastic bimbo.
That's when you can say "I tried everything, time to inject lead on my brain".
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I'm preverything, will be ugly af and unpassable, too old, to entrenched in life.
Repression is taking to much of my mental energy and I can't do shit, transition doesn't seems like a good option. Thinking about joining some war?
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i would like to hug you all, i love you, don't be so hard on yourselves
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>>8841582
Because admitting that would lead to suicide. No one wants to kill themselves if there's hope for happiness
Literally the only thing keeping me alive right now. If I've reached $30k in FFS, and still get clocked, You'll find me asleep on the train tracks.
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>>8836589
Every time the tranny feelings come back they come back stronger than the last and more and more intense. Last time I purged (like a month or two ago) I tossed everything. They've come back again and I keep going further. I used to only shave non visible body hair but now I have completely shaven all body hair off and keep it down. Dont have any girl clothes anymore and I'm seriously considering going and buying some as well as starting hormones to just end the cycle. How fucked am I?
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>>8842550
Hi, elderly folk (that's 25+) here. It only gets worse, every single time. And after 40 it'll get REALLY worse. Like...you better hope you find Jesus or something, because you're going to need the drive and energy of a 20 year old to fight it off (or get lucky like me and finally get approval to transition without having had your body totally destroyed by T, but that's not very many.
Start while you can if you think you're actually trans (and it certainly sounds like it to me at first glance). Don't be arrogant and assume you'll just beat what cripples virtually everyone who has it. There's a REASON there are no conservative-published books from people who fought off lifelong tranny thoughts and lived great lives -- there aren't any.
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>>8842576
Don't scare me pls
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>>8842597
I'm legit not trying to. But I'm also being dead serious and honest, relating my own experience to you from forced repression.
But I won't pressure you, that's not my game.
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>>8842622
Be me:
25
With girlfriend
Bald
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>>8842633
Get a wig, and if questioned make up a story about cancer for additional pity points?
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>>8836589
there are ugly girls.....you are just one of them
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>>8842672
but still a girl
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>>8842633
I'm guessing you're quite attached? Is there any chance she might be supportive?
I know many think having a gf makes things easier...and in the short term, they're right. But in the long term it means little...as a simple glance at Reddit will prove beyond all doubt. Hair grows (I had very short hair when I finally got my approval too). Of course I don't know how you look, but ~to me~ it ultimately didn't matter -- I had to transition or die.
I do know people CAN repress to old age. As in, it's physically possible. But it so rarely happens that I just considered it as a 'postponed suicide' when considering my options. It is possible, of course, your dysphoria is substantially weaker than mine, but if you're noticing the buildup...its unlikely.
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>>8842633
Wrecking your life over a relationship at 25 years old is beyond ridiculously idiotic.
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>>8842576
oh fuck I might actually fall through with it. I'm afraid of transitioning. I'm 18, I moved out of my parents house and started living in a house with my brother. I'm deathly afraid of coming out and what if I change my mind after I start and my dick no longer works and I have boobs. What will my parents and my brother especially think? Its scary.
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>>8842633
I remember back when i was with a girl a year ago, being with her staved it off for a good while, but as always it came back
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>>8842720
All of these are very legitimate fears, anon. The big question ultimately is this: do you think you need to transition? Someone who is only faking it may WANT to transition, may feel like it would be nice to transition, or may think that transitioning might get them an easier life, but they will not feel like they ~need~ to transition.
If your answer is yes...it's not going to change. If your answer is no, then you should definitely evaluate -- preferably by writing your thoughts down -- your desires. You can still be happy transitioning, but the odds of regrets and whatnot are much higher in that case.
As for what they will say, if they love you truly, it won't matter. If they don't, then they weren't worth wasting your life's one shot at happiness for. Never let another determine your happiness, anon. That way lies pain on the scale people can't really sense until they get much older.
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>>8842763
I honestly have no idea, I want to transition i really do but its so hard to tell if i need to or if it is just a phase or what. I dont feel like I am faking it, I havent told a single soul, nobody has any idea at all and i would like it to stay that way until either A i start HRT and start being passable or B tell close friends how I feel and go from there.
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>>8836589
tge problem is that youre confusing the term pass with pretty and theyre so irrelevant to each other. if you go out every once in a while you notice there are ugly women all over and youre just one of them.
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>>8842682
We are very attached, but there is not way in hell she could be supportive.
My dysphoria was very mild + strong agp but with constant depression in the background. And I was most popular kid, great straight A student, star of my department at uni, you name it. Till breakdown last year, from then it is worse. Sadly.
>>8842659
SJW master plan
>>8842710
It is not only relationship. Being to solidly based in life, deadly scarred of doctors, not want to lose my life etc.
>>8842732
Sadly you quite right.
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>>8842856
>>8842856
>might just be a phase
Hrm. Okay, then, let's try this. First, let me state specifically I have ~no~ professional authority of any kind on this topic. I'm just a girl on the internet.
That said, when did you first notice these thoughts and how did you react to them? How do you act in day to day life? Have they come back again and again and/or remained constant? Do you have any dysphoria you are aware of (or depression that you can't source, general malaise, etc)? What do you think when you think of women? These should help you get started on untangling everything.
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>>8842886
>not way in hell she could be supportive.
I'm truly sorry to hear that, anon. Unfortunately that's quite common.
>agp w/ constant depression
My pop-psych response is to assign that to dysphoria, but that might not be accurate. If your AGP is strong already at your age you might consider /HRTgen and their HRT/no breasts method and no social transition, or even simply crossdressing with supporting members (I can't really speak as to where to discover these groups, but i'm certain someone here can). Maybe these will be more palatable?
Remember, our goal is treating you, not making you do things you don't want to. Do as little or as much as makes you comfortable.
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>>8842938
Do you have perhaps discord /gmail?
My agp was basis for my sexuality since forever.
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>>8842919
>When did you notice these thoughts
Pretty much have been around since i was a wee lad and would play with my sister. Me and her pretty much played together all day every day so that was probably influencing those thoughts of being a girl that young. It always remained in the back of my head for as long as i can remember but it really started becoming an actualy issue whenever puberty started. When I was 12 is when it became problematic and I started seriously wanting to be a girl in day to day life. Of course with puberty mixing in the feelings became some what sexual as well at first and I wrote it off as a fetish for as long as I could.
>How do you act in day to day life
I joke around a lot at work and with anyone I am around, generally I just seem to not take anything seriously to anybody. When interacting with complete strangers I am really professional and polite but thats more than likely due to the fact I work on a support line.
>Have they come back again and again or remained constant?
It seems like it works in waves almost, the thought and want is always there at all time but the intense need come back every once in a while and tends to stay around for a long while until something sets me off to hate myself for ever thinking it and I repress it. If i had to guess the cycle starts about 3 weeks after I hate myself for wanting to be of the opposite gender. But whenever the thoughts come to my mind and are more than thoughts and needs I start acting on them, with feminine mannerisms and shaving daily while keeping an androgonous haircut.
>Do you have any dysphoria you are aware of (or depression that you can't source, general malaise, etc)?
I feel like there is at the very very least slight gender dysphoria. I do fight depression near daily whenever I am not actively seeking to be more feminine.
>What do you think when you think of women?
Generally I think about the cuter aspects of women when i do think of them. Like mannerisms and features.
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>>8842942
To be perfectly honest, I don't have either (or facebook, instagram, whatsapp, twitter...nothing). If you want to make a burner or something that'd be okay, but I've actually never done it before so I'm kinna clueless.
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>>8842938
>My pop-psych response is to assign that to dysphoria, but that might not be accurate.
imo agp+dysphoria is a combination of each increasing the other. being agp is something else to be depressed about, being depressed makes not being a girl all the more painful for agps.
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>>8843010
what is burner? I have few more questions but I would just post them here I guess.
1. Firstly, low dose hrt will also eventualy bring phisical changes wouldn't it?
2. Crossdressing or taking small steps toward more feminine being don't work for me. Trigger me further. It is easier being full caveman then.
When you mention our goal, are you working for some organisation?
>>8843018
Care to elaborate a bit more?
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>>8843037
>Care to elaborate a bit more?
if you're agp, not being a girl is something depressing, whether you're otherwise depressed or not. so if you're depressed and agp, you become extra depressed.
if you're depressed, you have fewer happy thoughts and more wishes things were different. agp is a happy thought and a wish things were different, so you think about it more.
end result? agp and depression feed each other and you end up with lots of depressed agps.
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>>8843037
I'll start easy first.
>burner?
A temporary email. I know they exist, and many of 4chan use them. I thought maybe you did.
>our goal
Sorry, that's my tendency towards groupthink. I am only a single poster, no organization or anything. FWIW, I'm a homemaker.
>low dose
It would bring some, yes. ~From what I understand~ (and this is why I recommend HRTgen, they deal with this more than I), it won't be enough to cause problems with genitals. The rest can be concealed so long as you're using the med that prevents breast growth. So you'll look younger, softer skin, and maybe nicer hair. Again, ask them for details.
>small steps won't work
Here's where your biggest problem will lie, anon. You're investing so much energy into 'I'm not female', but your mind doesn't recognize the existence of the word 'not' subconsciously. You're telling your subconscious that 'I'm female', which is why you're strengthening your AGP so much. That's generally how any kind of repression works - the more energy you feed it, the more it demands attention. So your life goal if you do not transition is to find outlets to release from, and small femininity is where you'll accomplish that.
Caveman has been tried by almost everyone and virtually never succeeds. You end up spending your energy until you have none left. Then comes the alcohol.
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>>8842998
You sound very, very much like me in almost every answer. The main difference is the sexual part; I'm pretty much a placiosexual (my bf loves it lol) so I never had that problem. Your dysphoria seems to be much more than light, although I wouldn't call it full-on severe. Moderate to severe I can see.
I think you'd be well served seeing a gender therapist, but if that weren't possible and I had to stake my life on it, I'd tell you to transition.
But there IS another option, albeit a lightly pricy one. Try HRT for a short term period, say...a month. No changes will happen that fast except mood ones. I knew within 3 days that I wasn't wrong when I finally got to start, and I suspect strongly you will know pretty soon too.
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>>8843088
>saying "placiosexual" as if anyone here would be able to decipher tumblrspeak
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>>8843088
Thanks for the reply, I guess I'll order a hormone supplement off of amazon and take it for a month and see what I feel. Worst case scenario I walk away with answers.
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>>8836589
pic related, anon.
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>>8843112
I truly wish you the best anon, either way. Although...if you're going for real HRT, you'll need...what is it, QHI I think is the website? It's an online pharmacy. HRTgen can direct you better on that. Most amazon supplements are memes.
>>8843103
I'm sorry, I learned that word here. It means 'someone whose sexual pleasure is purely from serving others'. I'm like a living embodiment of a healslut. Thanks, abusive past.
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>>8843132
Thanks for all the info, Im off to hrt gen to get some help with what Ill need.
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>>8843088
What kid of mental changes come with hrt? Like legitimate feeling better or just more emotions?
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>>8843175
Both. I felt physically better because stress affects you physically and I was no longer under the nonstop stress of living a fake life. I could see myself having a future -- I'D NEVER BEEN ABLE TO DO THAT BEFORE! -- and that gave me energy I didn't have before. I could actually talk...to people. I hadn't been able to do that, either. And the emotions? Holy christ, the emotions alone are worth it. I was a shell, but now I'm a person.
Others will say they're placebo. I can't say for sure, but I can say that I didn't know most placebo's lasted for a solid year. Even at my most dysphoric now, I'm not a fraction of what I used to be.
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>>8843226
I'm kind of tempted to try just to diagnose myself for real lol.
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>>8836589
Post pic. You can't be that bad
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>>8843226
Agree with this on so many levels, starting HRT was like the scene change in Wizard of Oz from grayscale to technicolor, the emotions alone were definitely worth it. Just a few of the things I noticed: I could look at my reflection (even early on with no visible changes yet), smile and laugh in public, and anger wasn't my reaction everything.
I honestly don't think it's a placebo effect, that's just naysayers. If I miss doses, it throws me so hard that I'm afraid of whiplash, and it's not like I miss one dose and suddenly I'm having a bad day. I'll have a few bad days where I'm moody and volatile, lashing out at people with little or no provocation, and when I stop to check myself, I find unused doses in my pill-minder. Besides, I have all of my bloodwork from the last year, and you can see the change in my hormone levels over time. My next round of labs is at the end of October to see if the latest dosage change was enough to get everything where it needs to be.
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>>8845696
>starting HRT was like the scene change in Wizard of Oz from grayscale to technicolor, the emotions alone were definitely worth it.
tfw repressing and never gonna hrt
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>>8836589
Yes.
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>>8837088
wtf your room mate called police on you?
and they arrived, just like that? don't the police in your country have other things to do?
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>>8845709
You...might want to read this first, anon.
http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm
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>>8836589
That's why you consider your facial features beforehand. If you have a wide chin, do not transition. That's why I haven't even tried to even crossdress despite the fact of being to to so. I'm masculine as fuck.
Sorry to hear your story, but you should probably consider suicide.
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>>8847058
what am i to take away from it?
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>>8847069
Just read it. Take from it what you want. But read it all the way through.
It has to do with the trajectory of treatment and repression over the 5 stages of life. Given you're making a life-altering decision, you'd have to be literally retarded to not spend 5 minutes reading it.
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>>8836589
At least 9 months here. I've recently gone off HRT.
We fell for the HRT meme. Pick yourself up and move forward.
Wish this wasn't actually anonymous so we could talk. Be well!
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>>8836956
I went off HRT because it was fucking with my dick desu which is fine I guess if I knew I would pass as a female later on, but I don't, and I can't take that risk so I went off it. My dick is still fucked up but I'm hoping balls will grow back (was only on HRT 9months) and maybe I can get HcG injections to get my penis back to normal and such.
My goal now is basically to do what I can to be a femboy without messing with the endocrine system. Maybe even get FFS as a guy to be adrogynous but fuck hormones.
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>>8841572
So is "transition".
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>>8847167
Planning on starting hrt soon. I'm not afraid to lose my dick. Where you when you started?
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>>8842550
I went through the same cycle and took HRT in the hopes that the cycle would end.
But then I detransitioned. You will end up purging your HRT and be left with a fucked up penis. Don't do it.
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>>8847182
>I'm not afraid to lose my dick
That's fine but if you detransition you won't really be a guy anymore. At 9months I stopped cumming and felt my balls at 1/2 the size. I looked at myself in the mirror and realized HRT wasn't going to make me into what I wanted to be. I went off it. I can cum again but only 1/2 the amount. Trying to recover and just be a femboy somehow.
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>>8845696
second month in and Im not getting physical changes and Im back to being mangry and wanting to get drunk
so I guess a lot of is placebo afterall
still better than before HRT
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>>8847223
I mean, I already dont fit the bill for guys. I'm a 5'4 manlet and get mistaken for a 13 year old on the daily. Worst case scenario if i de transition is im back where I started.
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>>8847241
Ah that's the difference between us then. I'm 6'2" and i like my big dick. I'll fucc you when you transition tho.
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>>8847223
What did you want to be, vs what HRT would make you?
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>>8847262
>I like mah big dicc
>I'll fucc you bebe
Gee, can't imagine why HRT (supposedly) didn't work on you.
WTF? Why would our board know anything about treadmills, Captcha?
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>>8836589
Scooping your tits out is cheaper than getting your dick turned inside-out, just fyi
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>>8837088
>Thinking that all was well again, I followed suit and then about ten minutes later the police were at my bedroom door.
This is why I never told my therapist about muh suicidal ideation desu. Basically "cured" myself with non-prescription drugs and realizing that I failed so many attempts because I didn't really want to die.
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>>8847058
Not the intended anon, but who has been stalking me?
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>>8847191
If you are genuinely concerned about a fucked up penis, I doubt you were really trans to begin with
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>>8847226
Changes don't even START until 3 months, and progress over 3 years
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>>8849097
well depends on a person but anyway Im having bad mood instead of elation of the first month so the mental effects are more a placebo
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>81 replies.
>op Still hasnt posted pic to show how ugly
Just do it you faggot
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>>8847043
I don't blame her for it because I was in a pretty dark place, but I was mildly upset that she decided I wasn't safe even after we spent so long talking through it.
And they have plenty to do, we voted recently to expand the force, but we have a pretty high suicide rate in my area so when they get called somewhere due to the possibility of suicide, they get there in a hurry.
>>8847167
I've recently lost most of my ejaculate volume, and it's harder to maintain an erection, but that's not really a bad thing for me, I don't hate my penis, but I'm not attached to it either. I'm sorry it didn't work for you, I hope you can reach a place of comfort with the androgynous appearance. That would be my goal as well if I weren't going to follow through with transition, but I'm at the point where it's basically 'do or die' and I don't want to die.
>>8847181
Disagree, you can't make a broad statement like that because it's different for everybody. I got to a point early in HRT where I was most definitely going to kill myself because my doctor at the time was not helping me to get refills and I refused to go back to what I was before starting.
>>8847226
>>8849128
Starting HRT is starting puberty again, no joke, but this time as the opposite gender. I get moody or pissy, sometimes I cry randomly, and sometimes I can't sleep because I'm fretting about every little thing that's not even within my control, etc. It's part of growing up, just all over again. Throw in the random crushes, and weird fluttery feels when people compliment me, it's like my life is a tilt-a-whirl now. It's scary, but I'm so excited.
>>8847241
Yeah, I'm sure you're going to transition well, I'm jealous. =)
>>8847582
I was totally open with my therapist about my suicidal ideation, I didn't want to die. So he and I talked through a lot of stuff to try to ensure I could be safe.
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