I read about transwomen, mostly younger ladies who had the courage

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Sorry anon, you don't deserve all that but life just isn't fair. Cute girls get acid thrown in their faces, good men lose custody of their kids, and tsunamis waste towns while the people watch their houses washed away from high ground. You have to be strong now, very strong. You were born with this strength, so use it. You have to overcome your regret and move on with the life you have now. You're on the right track, and there are people who genuinely want to help you. Pick yourself up and do your best.

>>8711370
>You were born with this strength
If I had been born with strength, I would've transitioned as a young child. I'm almost 29. I remember wanting Ursula to cut off my balls and turn me into a mermaid, not a merman, after I saw The Little Mermaid in grade school.

>You have to overcome your regret and move on with the life you have now.

I can't. It will never leave. I've moved cities, stopped talking to my insane family. I don't know what to do. It won't go away. I'm near dead broke and living paycheck to paycheck with electrolysis and medical bills.

>there are people who genuinely want to help you.

My therapist? She wants a client and insurance payments.

My doctors? Maybe. Howard Brown is pretty cool, but I'm on a super low dose at three months. My estrodial levels are that of a 7 year old girl, but my testosterone levels aren't quite in female ranges.

Who else is there? Most electrologists are money crazed bitches. They give poor advice or let you guide your treatment in the wrong direction.

>>8711370
>but life just isn't fair.
Then why care to do good?

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

>>8711645
>Then why care to do good?
Fair point. I should just quit.

>>8711670
Thanks. Hallmark appreciates your business.

>>8711145
Me too, I just want to die in my sleep and fade away forever

>>8711703
alright ill try a different approach


stop being a whiny faggot complaining about shit you cant change
you are fucking piece of shit so focus on the absolute worthless garbage aspects of your miserable cunt life that you can change and make them slightly less pathetic you dumb nigger

>>8711741
You're like a Nigeria state owned power company: Problem Has Changed Name

>>8711729
Same.

>>8711783
niggers do not understand electricity

t. lived in a black country once

>>8711145
You know what to do op. You might not have transitioned early enough to not be a hon, but you can still be an hero.

>>8711645
To make it better, and to fight against and fix the unfair things you can change.

>>8711833
How early is early enough not to be a hon? Also:
>>8711604
You're only 3 months in. Give it some time.

>>8711846
Never, because no tranny really passes

>>8711837
Why should I care when it won't make my own life any more fair?

>>8711854
Because making others lives better makes your own life more fulfilling. But that's not something you'll find out on a Taiwanese shampoo-making website.

>>8711856
Why would it?

>>8711145
I'm a masc looking AGP in my early 30s and I'm staying a man. Its easier to be an awkward masc introvert nerd than a tranny. Ironically i'm not balding.

I chose to fry my brain with weed to lessen dysphoria and it seems to help.

>>8711604
Lol you sound more self aware than I was as a child. I'm more classically AGP. Your story sounds scary, i'd rather hide in my masc autist shell smoking weed, saving money and having a good relationship with my parents who I live with, than do what you do.

Oh sure I may just hon out later, but by then hondom might be truly acceptable. If society starts going anti-trans than at least I'll be safe.

>>8712022
>Lol you sound more self aware than I was as a child. I'm more classically AGP.
When did you notice signs of AGP/trans?

>>8712050
Around 11 when I started viewing pornography and wanted to get a sex change so I could be a lesbian when i grew up. I dont know if I had any signs before that, can't remember.

>>8712455
Why did you repress?

>>8712466
Good question. Some people are less self aware with slower developing dysphoria. I'm prone to forgetfulness. So I tend to remember things subconciously if im lucky and occasionaly something will trigger a memory. So the stress of being a teenage boy made me forget my original desire temporarily. When I was a teenage boy I had an intense desire to crossdress that I never had the courage to fulfill. I'd also imagine myself as the woman when viewing porn. Yet I identified as a "crossdresser" rather than a "transsexual". I was so repressed I simply couldn't imagine myself as trans.

>>8712586
Was it because you were afraid of the idea of being trans that couldn't see yourself as trans, or because you weren't aware your desire to crossdress and tendency to imagine yourself as a woman was anything deeper, or not matching stereotypical trans childhoods, or something else?

>>8712613
Not them but I've had AGP fantasies ever since I was a kid. I didn't realize that I could be anything but an awful pervert until I was an adult. Nearly exclusively getting off to the thought of being a girl, obsessively fantasizing about boys becoming girls as a kid, being a depressed wreck for no apparent reason as a teenager.. none of that added up to anything in my mind. The thought I could be trans never even occurred to me. Not even in the "Am I trans? Nah this doesn't fit does it?" sense, but in the literally-didn't-even-consider-the-possibility sense.

>>8712628
What were your earliest signs?

What did you think your fantasies were if not trans?

>>8712649
>What were your earliest signs?
That my first memory of this sort involves forced feminization is deeply embarrassing but I remember being 4 and playing out a scenario where a lego submariner was turned into a woman against his will. The idea greatly excited me and I just focused on it for 15 or so minutes. I kept coming back to this sort of play for years and years, sometimes with friends. I wrote of this before here (follow the replies):
https://archive.loveisover.me/lgbt/thread/8167536/#q8173059

All things considered I was a very gender-conforming child. I considered myself a boy and thought that being a girl is a horrible fate. Behaviorally the only things that really stuck out were me liking to play with dolls, having a certain fascination with feminine clothes (though this never went anywhere when I was a kid) and being gentler than my peers.

>What did you think your fantasies were if not trans?
A perverted crossdresser. Cis and straight, of course. As a teen I put a great deal of effort into convincing myself that my desires are heterosexual since I only imagine myself with women :^)

>>8712022
A lot of repressors seem to smoke weed.

>>8712693
>All things considered I was a very gender-conforming child. I considered myself a boy
Common for AGPs I think.

>having a certain fascination with feminine clothes (though this never went anywhere when I was a kid)
Which feminine clothes?

>A perverted crossdresser. Cis and straight, of course.
What did you think crossdressers were, if unconnected to trans?

>As a teen I put a great deal of effort into convincing myself that my desires are heterosexual since I only imagine myself with women :^)
Ouch...

>>8713281
>Which feminine clothes?
Dresses.

>What did you think crossdressers were, if unconnected to trans?
Fetishists. People who dress up as the other sex because it gets them off. Usually straight.

>>8711145
>How do I get over this?
by killing yourself
no trutrans had those features so you're just an agp scum anyway

>>8713371
OP here.

Dude. When I was a teenager, the trans experience were nowhere near as understood as it is now. I spent the majority of my life yearning to be a woman, grappling with my male sex drive and overall feeling uncomfortable with a male gender role. It's not a sexual thing for me, which is entirely not-AGP. Coming to grips with the fact that I'm exclusively interested in women has been difficult for me. If I was a masochist, perhaps an auto-gyno whatever Blanchard calls them, I'd stay a guy because that pains me much more than when I'm dressed as a woman hanging out with friends. They've noticed I'm more confident and happy as a woman than a man. It's not about sex, but identity.

>>8711145
>being this AGP
kys

>>8712613
>or because you weren't aware your desire to crossdress and tendency to imagine yourself as a woman was anything deeper, or not matching stereotypical trans childhoods

I'd say these. I was never afraid to be trans I didn't realize I could be. I didn't know about HRT until a few of years ago. Also when I did learn about AGP in my mid 20s and realized that fit me I was like "lol that explains it well fuck that shit". I mainly learnt about trans from alt-right and terf after that point. Its only when I made it here I started getting a more healthy nuanced perspective on AGP.

>>8712628
I was a depressed trainwreck as a teenager as well.

>>8712693
Wow thats quite early to start AGPing.

>>8713412
I can relate I generally felt uncomfortable with the male gender role after childhood. Even as a boy I wasnt very masc I was shy, nerdy and sensitive.

They'll claim your AGP anyways because you get psychological comfort out of being a woman. Thinking AGP is strictly sexual is pleb tier.

>>8713345
How did you learn about the crossdressing fetishes and about trans, back when you thought they were unconnected?

>>8711370
this was a nice post

>>8711145
God you sound just like me. I'm also a coward that didn't transition earlier even though I could and should have.

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>>8711604
If you're going to howard brown I'm guessing you live in chicago? I know a good electrologist here that's not too pricey and does a good job.

>>8715747
When did you end up transitioning, and how did it turn out?

>>8711145
Im a gay guy who had some gender identity issues when he was young. It was sort of a phase for me. I always liked feminine stuff but not exclusively. Around 13 or 14 I was kind of a depressed kid, moved 2 years earlier to the city with my mom, was going through puberty just when I became very lonely, estranged and was bullied a lot.

My gender identity issue showed as I started to dream myself as a girl. It even took me a few nights until I realized what was so different when I woke up. I was dreaming myself as a girl and everything was ok with the world and the world with me. I didnt do particular girly actions or had particularly girly objects. It was a state of being rather than anything else.

When I was little I did silly girly shit. I usually was the mom when played pretend, played with her make-up a few times, sometimes with her clothes.
Right now i just dont bother. I am a male body and thats about it. Whats inside is male I think but because the outside its male it adapted. I have moments when I feel very girly and I explore them. But its all in a metaphysical level. At a practical level I dont care that much about imposing my inner colour to my own body. I prefer male nerdy and plain clothes and I dont wear jewelry and generally no decour. Its because i like the neutrality, I feel that both very male or female attire is kitsch. I do like muscles and my own.
Im taking this thread as an opportunity to ask you guys what is so bad about having a male body? If you guys are sexually attracted to women, then why bother with the transition? Women who you will date will prefer your male body. Why not stay in male form and forget about anything else? Also, think of all these people here. You are all males that have a more feminine identity. But could you say to another here: I find your body unfit for your inner self and I dislike you? We grow old fast, we're not nubile shapes anymore, its a pity to loose time transforming a dying husk.

>>8715086
I honestly don't remember in any detail. Mass media, I think? Crossdressers are frequently joked about on television. How I've first heard of transsexuals I don't recall at all, though I do remember stumbling upon a documentary about David Reimer as a teenager. Whether I knew of transsexuals before that I can't tell.

>>8715987
>What is so bad about having a male body?
Let me explain something: it is the body I dislike. I don't feel feminine. I don't feel like I'm a "woman inside". By all reports I don't act feminine. I fucking hate this body, axiomatically, and feel the need to have a female one. Not for any practical considerations. Not to be recognized as anything. Not to reflect my "inner self". This is the fountainhead.

>>8716696
Funny enough that's how it started for me

>>8716824
That's how I think it starts for all trans people. Abstract, socialized things like identities come later.

>>8715987
I dont severely hate my body although a feminized body would be nice to have. I also prefer the aesthetic of femininity, but dress masc to fit it.

My attraction to women combined with how ugly a woman I'd be is part of why I stay a dude.

>>8716677
>though I do remember stumbling upon a documentary about David Reimer as a teenager.
tfw it didn't happen to you

>>8717491
John Money completely fucked that kid up. He made him playact sexual situations with his brother. The man's a monster. Yet another reason why Milton Diamond is ace.

>>8717515
others have done worse

>>8717530
I mean, unless you're talking about Hitler or Stalin that's always applicable. He's still a monster.

>>8717458
Take estrogen blockers or test and you might stop wanting to be a girl

>>8717567
Warning: broscience

>>8717562
Stalin did nothing wrong

>>8717571
I don't know, I'm not either of those anons but my desire to be a woman could come from low T+being a failure as a man, that's why I lurk /repgen/ and stay away from HRT AND shit.

>>8717634
>My desire to be a woman could come from low T+being a failure as a man
No.

>>8717770
How are you so sure? I only feel bad occasionally.

>>8715752
whom

>>8718028
I'm not sure about what's behind your feelings or their nature but I am sure that this is not it. I don't want to push a narrative on someone I don't know at all but that just doesn't make sense.

-If- it is dysphoria then know that dysphoria is cyclical for a lot of people. See this thread:
https://archive.loveisover.me/lgbt/thread/8305515/#8305515

>>8718060
But when I feel fine it seems impossibke that I am trans. I'm not even sure if it really is dysphoria, it's not quite like what people here describe.

>>8718072
*impossible

>>8718072
>But when I feel fine it seems impossibke that I am trans.
Yup, I can relate. I suggest that you check that thread out.

>I'm not even sure if it really is dysphoria, it's not quite like what people here describe.
What else do you think it could be? Do you have any suspicions?

>>8718079
>I suggest that you check that thread out.
I actually watched that thread back when it happened.
>What else do you think it could be?
BDD unrelated to gender? I'm not sure, even as a man I don't look exactly good so maybe I'm tricking myself into thinking that I have GD and that maybe being a woman would solve it.

>>8718194
If you could have an ideal male body or an ideal female body, as defined by you, which would you choose? Suppose everyone would completely accept your decision either way and would treat you with respect afterwards.

>>8718214
I'd say female, but I'm not completely sure. I don't want to be buff and all that but I'm not sure if saying female would be the right decision. A few months ago I wouldn't have even doubted for a second, I'd have said female with no doubt.

>>8718239
What lead you to this conclusion? What changed over time? Why did you feel as you did back then? Have you felt differently before that?

>>8718250
Before that I was depressed most of the time. I blamed it on something that happened many years ago, but I knew that wasn't it. And before that I had been wishing day in day out that I were a girl since I was 4. At some point I went into denial, but a few months ago I started coming here. I tried to force myself to keep the denial up and that only made me feel worse. I ended up remembering all those years of wishing I was a girl and having dreams were I'd just be female, and even praying to God to turn me into a girl even if I didn't really believe and I spent the following two days enauseated and anxious. But now it feels distant. I have not had any of that for over a month and I'm starting to think I'm not trans. At some point I read something that made me stop obsessing and feeling bad about it. I don't even remember what it was.

>>8718290
As to why I felt the way I did, I don't know why I did when I was a child, it just came out of nowhere one day. I think maybe it came back because I am basically a failure as a man.

>>8718290
Knowing that you've felt as you did until now and that dysphoria is often cyclical, do you think that your feelings really changed for good?
Retrace our conversation but imagine that your responses were written by someone else. Suppose that you had to guess whether they're trans or not, what would you say? How confident would you be in that guess?

>>8718318
I wouldn't be able to make a guess. I know it's cyclical but I've never gone for so long without feeling bad and I think I've never felt as bad as most people here have. They write about how they cried themselves to sleep every night and how they just spent days just lying on their beds. You could say I'm just mentally strong but this is just ridiculous, if it really were dysphoria I shouldn't be able to stand it.

>>8718342
Dysphoria is different for different people. The depression and deep yearning you described qualify.

Here's how APA, who write the DSM, officially define dysphoria:
>In adolescents and adults gender dysphoria diagnosis involves a difference between one’s experienced/expressed gender and assigned gender, and significant distress or problems functioning. It lasts at least six months and is shown by at least two of the following:

>A marked incongruence between one’s experienced/expressed gender and primary and/or secondary sex characteristics
>A strong desire to be rid of one’s primary and/or secondary sex characteristics
>A strong desire for the primary and/or secondary sex characteristics of the other gender
>A strong desire to be of the other gender
>A strong desire to be treated as the other gender
>A strong conviction that one has the typical feelings and reactions of the other gender

Is that at all helpful?

>>8718376
I know that I were, and I know that it's cyclical, but the problem is having it go away for so long as it has. I don't even feel slightly bad, I'm just fine. If it had been a day or two, or if it were day in day out I wouldn't doubt.

>>8718382
I'm actually fine most of the time myself, but I feel awful for around 2 weeks out of every 2 months. I guess it remains to be seen whether it comes back or not, right?

>>8718389
Yeah. I wouldn't be able to come out anyway, I'd have to wait until I break down.

>>8718410
Well, good luck with whatever you're going through. Please don't fall for the "failed male with low T" nonsense. Even if this is not dysphoria that's just bullshit.

>>8718436
Alright, I'll try to avoid that.

>>8718376
>APA
>DSM
>helpful

>>8718519
What do you have against APA?

>>8717634
>dysphoria gets worse the higher test gets
>low t is why I have dysphoria
>my male features bother me so if I had more male features they'd bother me less
Really made me think

>>8711645

"Life is shit so I'll make it shitter."

>>8719537
That's all it deserves.

>>8719523
My actual line of thought was "what if it's not really dysphoria but low T making me feel bad about not being manly enough? what if low T is what's causing me to be so depressed? it's a usual side effect of low T, right?". It made sense back then.

>>8719875
I admit I fell victim to that for a while. I was close as shit to pinning test
Thank dog I didn't

>>8719875
I think it would manifest itself differently

If your problem is not being masculine enough, then I feel like that's what your dysphoria would be about- the masculine features you don't have, rather than the ones you do have.

>>8712780
It helps with the pain.

>>8711145
>How do I get over this?
Roleplay as Max all the time.