>deal with chronic depression since kindergarten >every

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>deal with chronic depression since kindergarten
>every day known for being that kid that cries into his desk all day
>continues throughout my entire teenaged and adult life, hindering me across the board in any interaction I've ever done with other people
>try endless trials of SSRIs and antipsychotics and mood stabilizers and herbal bulllshit woo supplements and years of behavioral therapy from the best psychs in the land
>all for nothing
>do a lot of fucking drugs to cope
>One day hear about how estrogen exerts powerful effects on SERT
>disregard it for a time, notice a vendor selling HRT over the deep web while doing more degenerate activities
>"Well, I've never wanted to be a girl but I suppose I could try it when nothing else's worked".
>start HRT with no bloodwork or any monitoring of that sort b/c I don't care about myself
>after about three weeks feel better than I have since kindergarten, more open honest and expressing with everyone else around me and able to grin and bear it through the days like a normal person

>this dread realization comes at the cost of sterility and impotence, my sanity too probably
>scramble panic and quit the shit before my wrigglies are lost forever

>now just back to being bed ridden every day

This is bullshit. I've never had a single desire to become a girl ever. Didn't dress up in weird clothing, didn't fap over any weird shit, didn't play with icky girls or their toys. I rode bikes through the mud all day long as a kid with other boys drinking stolen beer underage. I go to the bar and order a pint and chill like everyone else, how the fuck did my neurochemistry end up in such a cruel juxtaposition?

I want kids, but nobody will ever breed with a sopping depressive all day. The only antidepressant that works sterilizes me (not to mention the gyne). I just want to function right, god dammit. This isn't fair! I just want to work right! As a man!