now that i pass and live fulltime with my bf, is there some way

>>8616053
What were your childhood experiences that remind you you were trans?

>>8616065
knowing I was a boy in all of them.

>>8616053

You can _come to terms with your memories_, but you can't ignore, repress, or brainwash yourself without serious mental consequences and in general it doesn't even work.

>>8616085
I'll take those consequences. What do I need to do?

>>8616074
So there weren't actually any gendered events that mark you as male that you need to forget?

>>8616090
idk. maybe the first time i came... although it was by accident.
also just general shit like my father telling me not to use the word "cute", or my stepfather making fun of me for liking powerpuff girls, or my mother catching me crossdressing and taking me to therapy for it. but i mean, that's pretty common sort of stuff for trans people.

>>8616092
>idk. maybe the first time i came... although it was by accident.
What happened?

>my stepfather making fun of me for liking powerpuff girls
Why didn't your mother stand up for you?

>or my mother catching me crossdressing and taking me to therapy for it.
How were you caught and what was the therapy?

>but i mean, that's pretty common sort of stuff for trans people.
Yes but we need to know the kind of memories we're dealing with for your plan.

>>8616115
I was in a changing room when I was 12, trying on a pair of pants that were too tight. I came. Thought I was dying/having a heart attack at first.

I don't remember if she was even there to see it. Not sure why she would stand up for me, it's a fucking cartoon.

She noticed her clothes were out of place and sloppily/hastily put pack in the closet. She took me to therapy. I used really shitty excuses.

I remember feeling jealous of girls my age for stupid things, but never admitting to myself what I was feeling was envy. My family wasn't religious, but I remember I used to pray to be a girl. Then I realized god probably wouldn't like me for praying for that, so instead I prayed I could have a sister so then at least I could wear her clothes instead of my mom's.

Looking back on it now as a 21 year old whose name and ID are changed and who's been in a happy relationship with my boyfriend for the past year, it's pretty damn pathetic and depressing to think about.

>>8616053
>is there any way I can become more delusional?

What is wrong with you op?

This is how you make mental illness worse, by denying reality.

>>8616138
Also, when do you think your bf is going to murder you out of being insane about wanting kids, and realized he made a mistake getting with an inferile, delusional male larping as a female?

You are literally asking how to become more delusional

you are literally asking how to become further out of touch of reality.

you are literally asking for advice how to make your mental illness and cognitive dissonance worse.

>>8616138
when were you able to start hrt? did your mother keep you away from it?

>>8616138
>She took me to therapy. I used really shitty excuses.
What did you say? What did she say when she found you out?

>Then I realized god probably wouldn't like me for praying for that
Why not?

>it's pretty damn pathetic and depressing to think about.
Don't feel sad. It's only your path to becoming the happy girl you are now.

>>8616184
can i see your medical degree pls?

>>8616138
>I remember feeling jealous of girls my age for stupid things

what things

>>8616086

>and in general it doesn't even work

Lots of people convince themselves they've done this and tell others they've done this. However, they tend to need therapy regardless, later say that they didn't actually do it, etc. The mind is resilient and selective/traumatic amnesia (what you're referring to) not only tends to destroy personalities ('selfhood') but also rebound after some period of time, usually at a huge cost in suffering to the person and their relatives/relationships/friends. As does repression etc.

The best thing you can do is come to terms with the emotional content of the memories so they become memories without attached fear/pain/panic/hatred triggers. For that, _find a good therapist_. This is a very common problem - unpleasant memories that bother people - and it has many solutions, which therapists and psychologists are trained in.