i like watching lesbian strapon anal porn and feel like having

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i like watching lesbian strapon anal porn and feel like having such dominant gf is the only way i could manage to have a gf but when it comes to real life having a dick in my ass only causes pain, even so if its a plastic one

i also have weird feelings regarding my parents and siblings and wordly people and sexuality that come and go

i dont really want something up my ass i dont enjoy it
i only feel pain doing it by myself. and the one time i let a trap fuck me it didnt hurt but didnt have any pleasure either
i dont know what i really want/it means of the idea of a girl that likes using strapon/a dominant girl. probably that shes a horny degenerate like me. the idea of her being dominant is likely because it proves actual desire for me.

im insecure about being gay ever since a child
i cant talk to women without being taken by fear and anxiety. i get anxious they get to like me in a social enviroment because it might happen that i should kiss her and i get anxious i dont want to do it i dont want to get involved with any women. its also been years since i fap to traps exclusively. i dont want to find out i'm gay with no hope of bisexuality. this is one of the reasons i gave up at uni