If I really hate my life and honestly think it couldn't

>>8470790
Probably.
Personally I think the main thing that motivated me is that I was already most likely going to die or kill myself anyway. I drank so much and did so much drugs that really what difference would it make to add hrt to the mix? I was already probably going to fuckup my body at some point anyway.

>>8470810
Did you end up feeling better on HRT anon?

>>8470849
I guess but now i tend to notice all the masculine things about my body and freakout. Plus my hair is fucked i think. I never noticed how bad the hair on my temples was getting.
I'm still depressed, but I'm mostly dissapointed with myself that i actually buried everything so well that i let my body end up the way it is.
My life is also a lot more boring now since i don't go on binges. But stuff like that even though it's fun I knew i was ruining my life by doing it. It's not that a ton about my mental state changed it's just the self-realization about why i was doing the things i did is pretty soul crushing.

>>8471035
How old were you when you started and do you have hope for the future now? I can relate somewhat to your whole situation. I binge drink a lot and generally couldn't careless what happens to me.

>>8471035
I also would like to know this >>8471162

I'm probably ending up on mones but i'll have to stop all the binges with friends. DEEP IN MY HEART i feel better because this way i can't kill myself slowly drinking bottles of vodka and smoking cigars. But i'm scared of the boredom.

>>8471162
I did AAs for a bit when i was 26 but i didn't really actually start until 27 earlier this year. I guess I'm pretty young looking since i still get carded everywhere and most assume I'm early 20s cause I'm pretty small and twinkish. But i think mentally I'm worn down. I used quite a bit of psychedelics trying to somehow solve my problems despite knowing what they are anyway, but i doubted myself a lot. Plus when i attempted dating other guys it seemed to get rid of a lot of dysphoria so it was pretty confusing for me.
I don't know what's in my future. I mean I've got twinkbod and want to fix my nose, but it's not the worst in the world.

But yeah most of my friends were just drinking buddies so we've drifted apart. Only one of them knew of my trans issues anyway but it's not like it mattered. They weren't friends that wanted to discuss feelings.
It just feels weird thinking about everything I've done. I used to take stuff like dxm, shrooms, etc and just lie there by myself wondering why i was always depressed. I kind of did know, i just figured the probability of being trans is too low to happen to me... growing up there was no trans stuff around so i had no idea that a lot of stuff i did as a kid was pretty trans-esque. My parents just thought i was a weird gay kid.

I don't know what to tell you though. I've been very close to suicide for like over 10 years now. It just took me forever to realize what was wrong cause i guess I'm kind of autistic or something. It just feels like a different kind of depression now. I don't even want to use drugs anymore because i have nothing left to figure out.