What toll has repressing, failing to pass, family/friend rejection

>>8429026
Repressing for 15 years destroyed my once good personality. Now I'm just a bitter asshole that hates everyone.

I became a regular on 4chan.

>>8429026
I dont feel any emotion when i speak to people anymore so i have to fake feelings when something happens

>>8429572
How has how you act changed?

>>8429026
Probably just BPD, switching over into paranoid now.

>>8429026
sometimes i feel like the process of transitioning is so psychologically taxing and hard that by the time i "finish" i'll be too broken to ever enjoy my life.

>>8429600
I'm an asshole to everyone now. At one point in my life I had hope and a personality to match, but not anymore. Basically I act like I do on 4chan in real life.

>>8429572
>>8429618
>>8429628
This

>>8429628
How bad an asshole?

I'm very bitter at everything. Any time I have to listen to my cis sister whining about some trivial bullshit and getting tons of love and support in return. I want to be left alone because inevitably something comes up about how tall I am, calling me son, dead name, he. I have to hide in the bathroom several times every day at work to cry, I come home and hide in my room to cry and hit my bed. I'm left a husk of a human too anxious to kill myself but too dead inside to live. I come here to sadpost for the few people who will actually understand, but their number shrinks all the time as this becomes a chat room for young passers. There's nowhere else to go for me so I'll lose even this one comfort soon enough.

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>>8429026
It's turned me from a positive, hopeful person into an angry, bitter, and hateful shell. I had hope of passing and being cute, I remember. Thought I'd be cute enough to actually girl mode and feel pretty in a year. Now it's 1.5 years and I'm still boy mode. My hope has been completely replaced by anger. I've come to envy and despise those who transitioned young enough to live normal, happy lives as girls, just because they were born later and/or lived under better circumstances. The mere mention of them brings immense pain to me, and seeing them is even worse. Just knowing I missed the boat by a few short years, and yet having to live with the consequences for the rest of my life.

I'll never get to know what it's like to be a girl. Ever. And it feels so fucking bad.

Fuck my life. I want off this ride.

>>8429026
>>8429572
>>8429618
>>8429674
>>8429687
Is it really a spoiler that almost all assholes were always assholes to begin with? If you want to know what's really going on with someone then you either don't base it on their own testimony or you adjust your lens.

Some people will always blame their problems and the way their life turned out on abstract circumstances like this. The truth which can't be denied is that most that transitioned on this board didn't turn out well. The ones that are happy will be unhappy the next moment because they're just keeping up appearances. Jumping headfirst to transition secretly with online hormones hasn't made anyone happy here.

If you're angry then be angry at yourself and if you need something to blame then blame yourself. Age and circumstances play a very marginal part in the choices that you make to be the person you are now. It's the same reason you never truly accept posts like this one and the reason you always fight good advice.

>>8429702
Why despise them? It's not their fault that you are worse off than they are.

>>8429729
When something hurts you constantly, you start to dislike it. Seeing them feels like a punch to the gut.

>>8429729
>>8429734
And it doesn't help how horribly smug many of them are.

>>8429722
I wasn't an asshole to begin with and I hate myself more than I could possible hate anyone else. This isn't good advice this is just you thinking you're better than these people.

>>8429734
Surely cis girls would hurt worse? Or anybody who contributed to your circumstances?

>>8429729
passer get out
let us have this one thread

>>8429741
Cis girls hurt too, yes. They hurt a lot. But with early transitioners, it's more like twisting the knife. My life and situation is so far removed from cis girls that it's more of a longing, yet the pain is distant. With early transitioners, it hits home, and it hits hard.
>>8429740
This. Time turned me into this. Get off your high horse, >>8429722.

>>8429749
Y-you too.

>>8429722
>If you're angry then be angry at yourself and if you need something to blame then blame yourself.
I blame myself. Now what?

>>8429740
It's just about guaranteed that you're an asshole and also predictable doing exactly what I said you would. You're not a good judge of yourself, even saying you hate yourself is pretty common.

>>8429748
>>8429756
You guys tick all the boxes and I'm just laying it out. I could try to help you but what is the point when you're the architects of your own personal shit hole.

I don't expect you to ever really understand it and grasp it because if you did then you wouldn't be like this. It's like talking to a hurricane and trying to get it to stop, that's just not how it works. It's not even a transgender problem, you would be like this either way.

>>8429757
I told you I was an asshole you retard, but I wasn't like this all my life. I know damn well I'm and asshole and that I hate myself. You don't try to kill yourself multiple times because you like yourself.

>>8429771
There's nothing I can do then. I'm the horrible person I am because I am, end of story. No point asking questions or trying to fight it.

>>8429779
>>8429782
What did you do to be horrible or assholish?

>>8429783
Stopped helping people posting for advice unless I could really relate to them.

>>8429788
but why?

>>8429788
and if you don't mind me asking, what kind of people do you relate to? honestly that doesn't seem assholish at all

>>8429791
I ask myself why should I care that they suffer?

>>8429795
Questioning posters who either remind me or myself or have other qualities I relate to.

>honestly that doesn't seem assholish at all
If I don't relate to them then I meme for fun and don't care about derailing their threads.

>>8429026

I cry often, I think about suicide daily, my life has no hope anymore

>>8429572
>>8429577
>>8429595
>>8429612
...I'm leaving 4chan and never coming back.

See you all later. Good luck with your ventures.

>>8429026
Found happiness elsewhere in other things.
If your entire life is 'destroyed' by a single aspect
That's on you.

>>8429026
>only child
>outed against my will on the day I moved out
>dad still avoids talking to me
>mom tries to be civil, but we haven't had any real discussion on anything in over 15 years

I want to reconcile but even if we could, what would we discuss that wasn't just re-opening old wounds?

Because of parental rejection, I:
>have a similar "I've been estranged for years, but what would I have to discuss anyway?" feeling with other members of the extended family
>isolation from pretty much everybody in my past
>sometimes feel like if I don't have a connection to my past, I am somehow less likely to even remember anything aboutit, aside from the traumatic parts that just make me feel miserable.

>>8429881
see you next week honey

>>8429861
Iktf

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>>8429026
>What toll has repressing, failing to pass, family/friend rejection taken on your mind?

I self-medicate with drugs and alcohol and self-sabotage all my relationships so that I no longer have any friends or family who will talk to me.
I live alone and fear to leave the house because people I don't even know yell faggot at me when I walk down the street even though I'm doing my best boymode.
I've tried to commit sudoku 3 times now and failed at each attempt though the hospitalizations have gotten longer so I think eventually I will get there.
My life is a long dark highway with constant toll booths and no exits.
Sometimes I hate God and my parents for creating me and at other times I briefly feel a blissful connection to the universe and I thank whatever fates or deities fashioned my bleak existence (usually after I've smoked a dank bowl of sticky hash and/or sucked a gorgeous cock to ejaculation and tasted the sweet elixir of man spunk for what I always believe will be the last time.)

>>8430946
>tfw never tasted the sweet elixir of man spunk
I seriously hope things get better for you though anon

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>>8429749

Feeling is mutual buddy

>>8429749
Wish you nothing but misfortune bud

>>8431474
>>8429749
This is why we can't have nice things

>>8429749
Of course I'm jealous. Other people around me constantly savour things I can't have, and wave them around, I can't imagine having any of it, and yet they all feel entitled to have a good life and constantly clamour at everyone around them to assure their prospects of a good life. So why wouldn't I get sore when some bottomfeeder around me proudly identifies as a company man, and waves at everyone his smugness about feeling like a company man, and is always getting into spats against anything that could malign company men, and always strains to underscore how company men are above all the trivial bullshit of life and expects anyone like me to look up to him as a company man?

>>8432283
>guilty of the sin of envy

you need jesus

>>8432283
This. It's so painful to look at women and early transitioners live the life I've always dreamed about and hoped for, yet for me is forever out of reach. It drives you insane.

>>8429722
This is actually really good. I think this place is important to gather information and start HRT, but once you've begun the process it's really important to step away for /tttt/ for long enough time that your mood stabilises. This place is a mixture of helpful and toxic, you have to remember to live outside of your gender shit otherwise you'll be bitter forever.

>>8429702
>>8429729
>>8429739
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rfyB8yJOf6A


It's better to be feared than loved

>>8429026
I think I'm doing ok with repression.
Hence why I'm sure I'm not really trans which helps me even more with this kind of stuff.

I will probably kill myself later on but it's because I'm full of issues anyways. I'm more worried about disappointing my family and losing them than anything.

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My self inflicted programming is so strong I've tried to quit hrt 4 times

I should probably stop taking drugs and booze on the first two days then relapsing on my hangover

>>8434186
Well that's great, that's just fucking great, man

>>8429702
What the fuck are you saying you faggot? There's almost no time limit to doing this shit. You might have a harder time looking feminine after puberty, but it can be done with enough effort.

>>8434276
To be fair, effort won't do shit if you look like a neanderthal.

>>8434155
No it's not.

>>8434168
>I'm more worried about disappointing my family and losing them than anything.
If they would reject you for trannying why do you care what they think of you?