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I failed, when I could have accomplished so much.
>be trans
>repress
>enlist in US Marine Corps to help repress, be more masculine
>in for maybe 6 months when dysphoria keeps getting worse and worse
>depressed
>start talking to trans military support group
>wind up on Camp Pendleton
>meet people from the group irl, they're cool people
>depressed as fucking hell
>never going to pass, too afraid to transition
>last June after almost a year in the corps have a really bad night
>slash wrist wide open to try to escape this life
>down the road, not across the street, know what I'm doing
>realize what I'm doing, stop bleeding and go to hospital
>spend a week in the psyche ward
>get out, go back to my job like nothing happened
>people from the trans group stop talking to me
>pull away from everyone, work, my room, sleep, repeat is my life
>sent to military psychotherapist
>recommended me for administrative separation
>fuck everything, I want out
>process for adsep begins
>takes several months
>depression keeps getting worse through it
>October given chance to start hrt
>talked to family, gonna have to move back in with homophobic mom and she says can't do hrt if I'm living with her
>it's because she's hardcore mormon and they're not trans friendly
(cont)
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>november, few days after thanksgiving get drunk as hell
>tell my mom "fuck you, your religion doesn't control my life and neither do you"
>decide I can't move in with her, would rather be homeless
>get in contact with dad
>he says I can move in with him in Texas
>mid december finally out, adsep completed
>go to dads house in Texas
>still depressed, no friends
>been here ever since
>no job, even though I've applied to a fuck ton of places
>started self medding february 1
>rarely leave my room, neet but no neetbux
>wednesday was 1 year since my suicide attempt
>a year ago today I was still in the hospital
>still have a massive scar running down my wrist
If I hadn't been such a fucking pussy and gotten help instead of trying to kms I could still be in the Marines, have been on hormones since October, still have plenty of money, and still be working with that trans support group. Instead I'm sitting here crying every day, broke, and only have enough hormones to last till the end of July. I can't get a fucking job so I can't afford more
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same boat but parents are in the military
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You can get a job in Texas if you really want one. There's always ranch work. Always. Esp. if you were in the Marines, even if you were adm. separated. Even if it's just cash in hand, it can pay for hormones. But it sounds like you need to use any money you do get to establish an actual life before you worry about trying to transition. If you can get yourself a normal, steady job, transition becomes easy (you can pay for hormones, save up for FFS, pay for clothes and make up). You also don't need to rush to transition outwardly, especially if you're going to be taking hormones but presenting as male. That gives you time to get everything in place to make the big jump.
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>>8419948
>trans military support group
what the
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>>8420024
It was called Sparta Trans I think.
I found it when I was following the rumors that the trans ban was going to be repealed.
>>8420020
I'm in San Antonio, there's no ranches nearby. I've been applying to warehouses, janitor positions, I even got an email from both HEB and Walmart saying they didn't want to hire me.
It's just hard to get out of bed most days.
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