Best friend told me few days ago he never saw me as a guy, was

Sometimes your friends are just shitheads, anon. If it's a dealbreaker, then tell him why and just don't talk to him anymore.

>>8074504
He knows how bad the dysphoria is and said all this shit regardless. I can't really comprehend why. I can't talk myself out of not being emotional right now.

>>8074504
Yeah anon why can't we tell you to stop caring about him? Not in a get over it just stop being sad way but in a stop hanging around him and move on way. Try to find some new people to hang around with that didn't know you as a chick or are in a similar situation.

>>8074490
he probably didnt want to hurt your feelings and wanted you to feel better about yourself, but i really dont get it why hed tell you this after pretending for so long. he shouldve either said so immediately or just never tell you. you should probably stop talking to him because he obviously doesnt respect you or care enough about you to be honest when its not convenient for him

>>8074512
Maybe he is threatened by it himself, a little. He is probably just a normie bisexual that likes the idea of converting a ftm back to a woman despite being a doughy little dork. Dunno the guy, just guessing.

>>8074528
If I'm being honest, I don't know whether I'm just feeling really shitty or if I will actually kms. But he knows I feel like this and still told me. Said the reason was he "felt bad" but tell me
How do *I* stop feeling bad?
This will never go away.

>>8074540
are you on t? if not, start transitioning and make sure no one sees you as a girl ever again. learn mannerisms, go work out in a gym and get buff as shit. then the next time he meets you he can regret saying that because youre gonna be a bigger man than he could ever be.

>>8074540
Was he a romantic interest or not?

And, you're not going to kill yourself over this dumb ass shit, it's a fact. It hurts but life is terrible all around and there are better reasons to end it other than how someone perceives you.

>>8074549
I can't even get on t until the fall and I don't think I can fucking wait til then, man. I feel that shitty rn. Hell I don't even want a fucking future, even if someday people miraculously see me as a man and not a failure or confused chick. I'm hurting too much right now.

>>8074549
Being the bigger man just means having confidence, gyms aren't for confident people, they're for obnoxious gym rats.

Working out at home with minimal equipment is much more manry.

>>8074555
I liked him in a special way but would never want to have sex or kiss him. Still though.
It's not my only problem; why am I choosing to focus on it? Everything else is going wrong too.

>>8074512
>I can't talk myself out of not being emotional right now.
Man up.

>>8074549
lol

>>8074566
Well yeah, it's easier to blame all of your shortcomings on the one thing you can't control right now and on the fact that people don't look at you a certain way. But this is a personal journey for you, people either choose to make it their business or don't. You don't need to keep someone around who is just gonna heckle you the whole way.

You can probably try to talk to him about it. Ask him what exactly his problem is and why he felt like telling you now.

>>8074572
Fuck off you salty loser.

>>8074588
I don't have any more friends left. To top it off, I'm on spring break and literally just laying in my bed all day because any acquaintances I have are on vacations. I think I bugged him to the point that he's done because he won't text me back. I get obsessive over stuff like this, stuff out of my control.

>>8074561
you can still learn to act like a man and do things to be more masculine. testosterone isnt just going to turn you into a cis guy without you even trying you know. you can have the biggest beard in the world and people will still think youre a weird fag if you act wrong, and you can look like the girliest boy in the world and pass perfectly with the right behavior.

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>>8074490
You really do want to live. The fact that you came here asking to be convinced to keep going is a sign of how you really feel. You don't want this to defeat you, and that's why it's not going to.
The first thing you have to do is commit to living. You won't be able to fix any of these other problems if you don't do that.

>>8074597
Ok well you need to go full recluse renaissance man mode starting today. Because this a very undervalued lesson; you need to love yourself first and foremost, and there is no easier way to do it than self-improvement. The mgtow are right about this.

You won't find anyone you would want to give the time of day if you are a hot mess yourself. I have one friend too and if I ever lost them, I'd never dream of trying to meet other people because they won't be compassionate about me not having my shit together.

>>8074618
How to go full reclusive renaissance man?
>>8074613
I do act like a man (this is the only exception). That's what bothers me. I don't have too many female characteristics yet they're all people want to look for in me.
>>8074617
Do I really want to live?

>>8074566
So, what's becoming obvious is that he's not causing this fixation on negative thoughts, he's just the most recent/notable catalyst. If he doesn't have the ability to understand dysphoria, why would you assume his opinions about how your dysphoria are wrong valid at all?
You don't sound new, but all queer folk should really learn the difference between valid opinions from others and valid responses from your own head.
If he knows that talking about your fem traits makes you dysphoric, to the point of being suicidal, then think about what the fuck he's getting out of being a dick to you. If he doesn't understand dysphoria and is just talking out of his cis-asshole without understanding the harm, then his opinions have no weight until he understands dysphoria.
If you don't want to be giving him this power to make you despondent, realize that his words and thoughts aren't vile because they're about you, they're vile because they came out of his head that way.

>>8074628
>how?

Read books and shit. Get good at cooking, because no grown adult should not be able to cook, don't avoid doing shit because it's feminine, that shit won't help you pass in the long run. Whatever you try, try your hardest.

>>8074630
W-what did you mean by the last sentence? Yeah, it really is what you said. Some of the pain is from him though because he knew what I was going through and did it anyways. Most of it is from my own head though.
You analyzed it correctly but didn't tell me how to get out of it. At this point I don't know if I want to get out of it.

>>8074644
There's no way to undo what was done, so whether you want to get out it doesn't matter.

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>>8074618
>>8074628
>full reclusive renaissance man
Look up Stoicism. Study the Greeks. Study the Romans. Ignore the gender translations and realize that these philosophies are the best resources to better yourself as an intelligent, able bodied person.
Don't stop reading, learn to draw, learn to cook, become self-sufficient. Once you can stand on your own, it doesn't matter if anyone sees you as fem or not.
The things you achieve are better measures of yourself than anything someone else thinks.

>>8074650
I'm asking what to do.
>>8074653
What if I'm depressed and can't make myself do those things? I feel so shitty for not having friends now. Even if I improve myself that way, I still won't have friends.

>>8074628
>Do I really want to live?
Right now, you only need to want to give yourself another chance. Entertain the possibility that your future self (as in, tomorrow or next week) will be grateful for this opportunity to continue pursuing your goals, for something good to happen to you.

>>8074653
This 1000x this

No posturing, awkward manlet who likes wallet chains, yaoi mangoes and death metal can compete with a self-actualized person who can transcend what society expects (or doesn't expect) of them.

Your worst point of reference for what makes a "man" is asking other men.

>>8074658
"Friends" are just there to validate you if you aren't making the right choices in life.

>>8074644
this is me too>>8074653

The way out is your own, unfortunately. It takes work, and it will be hard. A combination of dead family job insecurity before I was able to come out in a significant way made me bed ridden for months.

First, I drew. Learned to sketch. Having several tools to interpret your thoughts is the most important thing. Find what you like: stream of thought writing, freestyle rapping, meditate, learn another language, whatever. The goal is allow you multiple views of the same problems you're internalizing. It won't happen fast, but the things you learn and realize are infinitely more valuable from your head than someone else's.

>>8074664
I never asked what makes a man. I don't like any of the things you described, never seen yaoi or any anime actually.
>>8074676
I now have a full week to just focus on myself and I'm gonna spend every second obsessing over some random dude that called me a a chick.

Are you angry at him SEEING you as a girl or for TELLING you about it?

>>8074490
most people never will. You'll that woman who thinks she can be something else by changing her haircut and pants and that will be your lot in life.

>>8074687
>I don't like any of the things you described, never seen yaoi or any anime actually.

They were only examples. Anyway, you've got nothing better to do.

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>>8074664
>Your worst point of reference for what makes a "man" is asking other men.
Sage advice, OP

Check out my garden from a year back. I canned and preserved most of that food for this winter. Do my ex-girlfiends/boyfriends have any say in the matter? No. I grew those fucking plants on my own. Anyone want to tell me I'm a retarded faggot? I'll laugh when they starve in the coming global societal collapse.

>>8074706
This guy gets it.

>>8074694
More hurt over him seeing me as one, but I know that a lot of people do since I'm in my hometown.. So really I'm just mad he couldn't just keep his thoughts to himself
>>8074700
Bad grammar. Explain what you meant?

>>8074713
They mean that you are more concerned with convincing people you are a man while only simulating a full human experience. Because that might mean it doesn't actually matter what you present as if you aren't living your life and obsessing over perceived slights and uncertainties like a frightened animal.

>>8074706
That's a tinyass garden, man. That can't even feed a child for a year.

Why the fuck would he say that?

>>8074706
>people who don't spend days growing a weeks worth of fruit and veg for one in the back garden are going to starve
>they're the retards

>>8074725
I totally agree with this, but I never claimed to do this. That being said I'm not living much at all, not due to being afraid of people perceiving me wrongly but because I'm so goddamn depressed.

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>>8074687
Good. draw that fucker with horns. Sketch his face and let your hand become heavy, violent even. Draw or describe with words the people/sources of your strongest emotions. Look at the type of words you describe yourself/others with.
Is it similar? Are you more or less forgiving with yourself? Others? If you draw, do some features come easier? Do you find yourself lightly sketching with hesitation, or are you scribbling with dark lines that emboss the paper?
It seems pointless because it kind of is, all you're doing is masturbatory. But that's not to say it isn't valuable. You NEED to learn how your brain is convincing itself to die. YOU don't want to die, YOU seem intelligent by nature of holding this conversation, YOU can't let other people win by allowing yourself to be pushed around of every errant breeze of someone's opinion.

Hit him with a bat.
I'm not trolling.
Catch him alone outside and little slugger his ass in the hip or the ribs. Ask him if he likes you ass now.
Make sure to call him a faggot.
I know this sounds really dumb but sometimes assholes are assholes and should be treated as suck. I get he was a friend but this guy didn't respect you and went out of his way to pump you up for a while then bring you down in a deliberate plan to make you feel shitty for his own means.
That's some repugnant shit.
So grab a bat and a ski mask, find him after dark and undermine his ability to walk straight.

>>8074737
>depressed

Isn't part of that because you're worried about how people see you? Are these things mutually exclusive?

>>8074713
>So really I'm just mad he couldn't just keep his thoughts to himself
Stop obsessing over other people? Geez.

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>>8074744

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>>8074744
No OP. Don't give in to this, the weak strike out of fear. The strong strike out of self-preservation. Don't confuse the words of others as violence without good reason.

>>8074713
I'm gonna give you some bad news: if you're not on HRT, unless you're physically very masculine to start with, you probably look like a girl a lot or most of the time even if you pass sometimes. Sexual dimorphism and all.

Here's the secret tumblr won't tell you: social transition pre-HRT is incredibly awkward. It's very hard to make friends outside specific 'queer' environments when people can't tell your gender or interpret you as a girl 'pretending' to be a guy. They don't know how to interact.

But it gets better. Not in the abstract Dan Savage way. Physical transition takes socialisation off hard mode.

>>8074490
not sure if this helps, but at the moment passing is really something that's outside your control. weight distribution, mannerisms and clothes etc do help but if you're on t there is nothing you can do about your features.

it's really shitty and unnecessary for him to say so, and it sucks that you might be without friends for a little while. but your facial features and body proportions have nothing to do with your gender or your worth as a person. better to be know objectively how others see you than guess and delude yourself.

in fact, up to a certain point i personally feel it's better to assume you don't pass at all. then at least you'll be pleasantly surprised when it does happen.

(...please don't assault him, though.)

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>>8074490
>Don't just say "this guy's an asshole don't care what he thinks"
>>8074561
>Hell I don't even want a fucking future
>>8074566
>would never want to have sex or kiss him
>>8074597
>just laying in my bed all day
>>8074597
>I bugged him to the point that he's done because he won't text me back

OP, the best advice I think I managed to give here is this.
>>8074630
>realize that his words and thoughts aren't vile because they're about you, they're vile because they came out of his head that way.

Let's focus on that sentence. Why do you think he obsesses on your fem traits? If he truly sees you in a non-sexual, platonic friend as you see him, what might cause him to purposefully hurt you?

>>8074921
I had a conversation with him and he's honestly not gonna ever see me as a guy. Once I fully pass as a guy I'm assuming he probably will.
But this hurts SO bad. All of my dysphoria and suicidal thoughts just balling up into one big thing. I can't control it; I just need to get away.

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>>8075015
I don't want to press any buttons too hard, so feel free to let me know.

>>8074921
>would never want to have sex or kiss him
Are you sure this is true? because I don't give a flying fuck if my college buddies don't think I'm a chick.
I'm sorry you hurt anon. try to take in some of these questions/advice to isolate the hurt in you. It's going to suck, because you HAVE to focus on it. There is no shying away anymore, once you're on the suicide doorstop, It's all-or-nothing, and you're wearing depression like a 200lb weight vest. But I'm telling you that you are strong enough to deal with the pain because your a person, regardless of being trans. Being trans just gives you one of the most unique perspectives of the human experience that anyone could hope for.

You hurt, you're depressed. You're no less of a person, you have no less importance in this world because of it.

Your emotions are tumultuous, they give your character its veracity, its strength, its validity. Keep the strongest ones in a channel, use the force and anger and fear to achieve. Rivers erode continents.
Pic very much related

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>>8074490
Get the Gorilla Mindset
Go to the gym
Don't eat soy! (tremendous estrogenic activity, everything at the supermarket has soy)
Avoid xenoestrogens
Eat lots of meat
Eat game meats
Workouts like a madman
Try boxing
Go for a swim in the ocean at sunrise, sunset if you can
Follow @michaelporfirio on Twitter
Wake up, do pushups
Conquer the world


t. questioning mtf who could probably be in the top 1% of males if I don't end up transitioning

When you're suicidal, you have nothing to lose. Why not be whatever you want, do whatever you've been putting off? You literally have nothing to lose. Go all out and find yourself. There's a whole world out there!

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Theme song for >>8075067
Fight, anon.

>>8075148
>Go for a swim in the ocean at sunrise, sunset if you can

Or don't. Sharks and rays feed from dawn until dusk.

>>8075169
So kill the sharks, faggot. Are you afraid?

>>8075161
This is the most nauseating terrible advice my dude

>>8075237
I bet you look exactly like SOY. How's Tinder btw? Have a nice brunch! Fucking fag

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>>8075255
Chill

>>8075255
>>8075161
yeah, not that person but please fuck off with this bullshit

OP I think you said in here somewhere that you have until fall and then you can get on T.

I know you feel like shit but fall is VERY CLOSE.

You literally just have to spend 1 single shitty summer, and then you can be on T.

This will be probably the most shitty summer of your life but after that your life is going to begin. In just a few months. Honestly you could spend most of that time asleep and playing vidya (unless you have a job or school or something)...Yes I am kind of saying "man up" but more what I mean is: you can do it. Grit your teeth and find something to bring you through these few months and then you will be starting a new chapter of your life, free of this BS.

Lots of anons ITT have been saying you should get hueg or something. Lifting weights and such at home is a good way yo get out your frustration and it has a side effect of being healthy. That's what I did in my hibernation mode at my worst times. I hope any of this post helps you because fall is seriously right around the corner and if you have lived this long without becoming an hero you can make it a few more months and probably make some gains in the mean time (whether on some hobby of yours or in getting /fit/)

best of luck OP and fuck the haters and the ignorant people, we all have to deal with them at some point, we all have horrible moments in our lives but you can pull through and come out on top.

>>8074642
>>8074628
Hilariously when I was gearing up to confess to my family that I was FTM, I started getting really into cooking so that it wasn't like I was just giving up at being a woman because being a woman is hard.

(Don't ask me my logic on that one, honestly, that's a weird fucking metric for 'succeeding at woman things.' )

But learning to cook gave me a skill that made me actually useful (which was great at the time, I was NEET tier and near suicidal about it) and the process of it (especially the precision required to bake) was calming and gave me a way to -not- be an absolute hot mess.

Now I work as a cook and it's pretty great and I've been on T for more than a year now?

tl;dr hang in there, and the renaissance man idea is not a bad one. Turn your brain off by pouring your attention into gitting gud at something.