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I came to the realization recently that I may not truly be trans, and I'm not sure what to do anymore. I'm pre-everything, but I came out to friends and they have been using she/her pronouns and calling me by my girl name for almost 2 years now. I never really thought about why I decided I was trans, it just felt right. My therapist didn't really question it either. I was doing a bunch of things to look more feminine, but I'd not be able to start hormones until I left home - which I still haven't done.
Last year a big flood wrecked my town, and I lost a lot of my stuff and wasn't able to shave or anything for a while(not to mention the huge mental breakdown I had while trying to clean up my home). My body and facial hair grows pretty fucking fast, so I ended up with a beard and hairy body after not too long. At first, I hated it, but I started to like it. In a way, it turned me on. I'm really into masculine men, and I was starting to look a bit like the type of man I'm in to. I discounted my newfound like of body and facial hair as me just me just being a weirdo. I told myself I'd start shaving again as soon as I could. I never did.
As things started to quiet down and I settled into my temporary living space, I had a lot of time to think about my life and how much I hate my body. I started to think more critically about why I hate my body, and I realized one of the really major factors was that I have a small penis. About 5" hard. I hate my dick, but I realized that I don't hate my dick because I want a vagina instead, it's because I feel it is inadequate and undesirable.
A few days ago, I shaved my face after I got a haircut. I look pretty feminine again, but instead of liking the look, I hate it and can't wait for my beard to come back.
I'm legitimately considering suicide. I have no idea who to talk to other than anons on a chinese basketweaving forum.
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>no hormones
no harm done, just make sure it's really what you want, swallow your pride and tell everyone again
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>>7940985
>just make sure it's really what you want
It's that uncertainty that makes me so anxious that I want to vomit. I'm not sure what I really want anymore.
Thank you for at least reading my rant, though. I didn't expect anyone too.
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>>7940978
5" hard really isn't that small anon, in fact it's only a tiny bit smaller than average. You really shouldn't feel badly about having a slightly smaller dick, that's really not uncommon.
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>>7940996
5" is the actual average.
Dick size shaming should stop.
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>>7940978
Why would you tell anyone ur trans without being on hrt first?
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>>7940978
>i made everyone call me she pronouns and a girl name for 2 years
>i'm pre everything
gross
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>>7940996
It's usually a deal-breaker for the kind of guys I like, though. Those muscle bear types. They want nice big dicks.
Even if 5" is actually okay, I just can't see it that way. To me it looks and feels like it's tiny and worthless. Have I been misinterpreting being body dysmorphic as being trans?
>>7941010
I wish it would.
>>7941013
>>7941019
Because it made me feel more comfortable and less suicidal. I didn't make them do it either, I just asked them once and they went with it.
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>>7941023
>Because it made me feel more comfortable and less suicidal
So A.) Ur a drama whore or B.) Ur a girl harry
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>>7941057
Thank you for your input, tripfriend.
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>>7941060
I've been in the heavy denial stage where I liked the idea of myself looking like my dream man, but in the end it still was a nightmare from hell living as a male and transition finally made me start to be happy. Do with ur life what you wish.
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>>7940978
yeah, sounds like transition is not a good idea for you
suicide is an overreaction
find the closest member of the friends who know and tell them your situation
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>>7941076
I wasn't being sarcastic in my reply to you, btw. I realize a lot of trans people end up in a heavy denial phase, but I'm still confused and anxious.
>>7941084
I don't trust any of my friends enough to talk to them about this. I don't even really trust my therapist. Maybe this is what makes me force myself to trust someone.
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