irrelevant blogpost but i have nowhere else to talk and i want

i'm eight months on t and i'm technically an early transitioner, blockers at 15 and t at 17, which is especially early when you live in a country that is neither america nor the netherlands and almost nobody even gets blockers in the first place. they had only just been legalized without judicial permission when i started them. shit's fucking weird because i'm two inches taller and i have a brow bone developing now and all kinds of shit but i feel like i look more like a chick than ever, which admittedly is primarily because my hair's the longest it's been since i was 13. it's too long for me to keep tolerating it but i don't want to get it cut because i'm an ugly preteen lesbian looking piece of shit and i gotta hide my face.
i was talking to a girl from here but i freaked out and stopped. good job. she was nice and we should start talking again because i really like her.
i kinda just need to change something, but i don't know what it is i need to change. i need to go to university, i need to get out of my home city, i need to lose weight. those are all true. they are all dependent on each other, and they are all equally accessible, which is to say close to zero. it's funny how the cure for my crippling fucking brain damage is partially caused by it because i don't have the attention span to cure my chronic boredom in better ways than eating. ironically, nobody ever thinks i'm worse than skinnyfat.
this stupid agp book is motivating me to write. but write what?

i keep reading the book and i keep fucking thinking 'eli erlick would like this', which is a neon flashing sign i spend too much time with cara, but simultaneously it is maybe a little my fault that cara is obsessed with eli because the girl i have too much stupid fucking anxiety to talk to is the one cara fucked everything up with. i drank caffeine and i drank soymilk twice today and it's screwing with me because i'm scared i'm going to get estrogen poisoning and die. i drank a lot of soymilk throughout my childhood due to lactose intolerance but was almost purely abstinent throughout adolescence because i didn't want to chance it. but my dad's girlfriend is a vegan, so it's the best option in this house.
i feel worse than usual and incoherent and fucked up but somehow simultaneously a little okay. i really do want to write. i still don't know what about.
i wish i could sleep.

you're an ok dude, trent
also what was so shit about the book
was it like susans tier bs?

>>7864381
it's the exact opposite of susan's, it's kinda like tumblr but pre-tumblr (it was written in the late 2000s) and has that whole radical transbian feminist activist shit going on. it's called nevada and it's very popular amongst the kinds of people who like radical transbian feminist activism and a couple of them say it turned them trans. it's not so much a bad book, it's written well, but it goes so deeply against all i have observed and all i hold true that the ideology within it disgusts me no matter how cool the way it describes it is. kinda doesn't help that i used to hang with those people and it fucked me up
but thank you you're probably cool too

how very feminine

Like I said...You have the lower body and you have no upper body, you got a problem building...wait a minute. You have the upper body, and you have no legs, you got a problem building your legs. You have the upper...you have the lower body and you don't have the upper body, the upper body, it is easier to build. So if you have the lower body and you don't have the upper body, it is easier to build the upper body. You have the upper body and you don't have the legs, you got a problem building the lower body... No, you don't understand. You have the upper body, but you don't have the lower body, you got a problem building downstairs. You got the up- legs on the bottom, it is easier to build on the top, so you don't have much as a problem. Yeah.

>>7864394
so like people who dislike men so much they want to become women?
sounds like a sane bunch

>>7864426
some of 'em probably did. though they hate trans men much more than they hate cis men, which is fun when you're 13 and they're the only other trannies you know. in a way they kinda get treated a similar deal to how numale feminists do -- numales are considered evil oppressive cishet dudes by most left-wing people (this type of trans girl included) and cuck traitors by most right-wing people, and this type of trans girl is an evil mra to terfs and a crazy feminist to me. you see all that kind of shit everywhere once you start looking out for it. there's no way to win for a certain kind of person. i guess being a tranny inherently makes you that kind.

>>7864444
oh hey i got quad quads

>>7864394
Different anon but wait, I read that book and thought it was decent, I'm interested in why you found it so disgusting? I thought some of the tumblr esque character traits Maria had were obnoxious at best, but other than that it seemed to just be a snapshot into the lives of a fully transitioned transbian and an obviously repressed agp trans woman.

hi
what is happening in this thread

>>7864452
probably just because i'm #triggered as fuck by that whole philosophy
it was wielded as a weapon against me, knowingly or otherwise, in my early teens a lot
so it's objectively just kinda obnoxious but my perception of it is closer to 'anyway, yeah, these people dedicate ten hours a day to yelling at other trannies for being the wrong natal sex'

>>7864518
so they think that FTMs are "privileged" transpeople in some way?
rofl that's pretty dumb even for radical gender people

>>7864534
they do
most hilariously, as the book itself mentions, they think trans men take up too much attention and have too much of a presence in the lgbt community

>>7864546
lol what the fuck
isnt it pretty much the exact opposite?
or in the trans community at least

>>7864518
>>7864546
You probably already assumed this but I'm mtf so I guess it was easier for me to ignore the shitty rad fem tangents in the book and just focus on what I could relate to in Mariah's character but I think I could see why this book would make you want to pull your hair out (it's also been close to a year since I read it so I'm sure my minds filtered out a lot of the bullshit parts already) .

In what way do you feel that philosophy was used as a weapon against you in your childhood?

>>7864605
i realized i was trans when i was 13, promptly found tumblr, and spent a year hanging out with a lot of gender studies majors who were big fans of their pet transkid. at the time they all felt like cool older friends, in retrospect it is easier to realize that cool friends do not brand you as a disgusting traitor and abandon you when you suggest maybe it's not 'transmisogyny' and 'afab privilege' that trans women needed under the then-current standards of care to be 2 years on hrt before getting implants while trans men could get top surgery straight away

>>7864211
>sleep apnea's killing everything you've ever loved,
What do you mean?

>but the 'voice' of it is nice
What's the 'voice' of it?

>>7864214
>i was talking to a girl from here but i freaked out and stopped.
Why did you freak out?

>this stupid agp book is motivating me to write. but write what?
Don't use agp like that! Hstses can be annoying feminists too.

You could write about how it triggers you. That's what I always mean to do when I read things I disagree with.

>>7864654
>What do you mean?
when sleep = you stop breathing constantly throughout the night, the result is a mix of chronic sleep deprivation and progressive brain damage
it is not fun
>What's the 'voice' of it?
voice, in writing, is the way a story is told -- individual writers (e.g. lovecraft, hemingway) have strong voices that show in their stories
the voice in nevada is pretty interesting though also kind of trying too hard
>Why did you freak out?
because of my overwhelming intense anxiety
>Don't use agp like that! Hstses can be annoying feminists too.
well, a character being agp is given as proof that she's trans, so...

>>7864674
I meant in what way is it killing everything you've ever loved?

>well, a character being agp is given as proof that she's trans, so...
How do you separate 'cis agps' from trans agps then? There could just as easily be an hsts 'proof' of being trans that doesn't really work too.

>>7864683
>I meant in what way is it killing everything you've ever loved?
i can't think coherently or do any of the things i want to. i have a very intense drive to create and succeed and i'm incapable of fulfilling it because my cognitive faculties are too compromised.
>How do you separate 'cis agps' from trans agps then? There could just as easily be an hsts 'proof' of being trans that doesn't really work too.
here's the real 'redpill' -- there is no difference, there is no separation, there is nothing that innately makes 'has gender dysphoria' and 'does not have gender dysphoria' separate categories
there is no trans part of the brain and there is no atomic identity that makes people trans and completely different from cis agps or gay members of their natal sex
there is a continuum of people within each category who are better served by transition than others, but there is no fundamental distinction, there is nothing you can point to and say 'this person is trans' or 'this person is cis' because at a certain point the categories are meaningless
this, for instance, is why 'just take hormones for a few months and you'll know if you should transition or not' is a bit odd -- most agps will enjoy having female hormones, including ones who should not transition

>>7864704
taking hormones without going all the way is a good way to ease your agp, for me at least

>>7864704
>and i'm incapable of fulfilling it because my cognitive faculties are too compromised.
What's having your mental faculties compromised that way mean in practice? Will it get better when you get treatment?

>there is no difference, there is no separation, there is nothing that innately makes 'has gender dysphoria' and 'does not have gender dysphoria' separate categories
I agree about dysphoria and I've actually just written so in another thread >>7864676

But what's wrong with saying agp means you 'are trans' in some sense? Unless she was saying that that's enough in itself to prove you should transition? But even then, that's only to be expected from trans people, same as the 'hormones for a few months' thing.

I think taking hormones to 'know' is just a natural extension of the idea being trans is something innate.

>>7864211
thanks for this

>>7864534
>>7864626
how does privilege work for trans people?