How many of you trannies actually suffer/suffered from hardcore

I transitioned because my mommies taught me that being a white male I was inheriting white male privilege.

I didn't want to be evil.

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Holy fuck those stairs look so fun to play on but the ground is like a marsh fuck

I once got drunk and epliated my facial hair cause I was too poor for laser that's pretty damn hardcore. Mostly I'd just catch myself in mirrors or see someone who I wanted to look like and lose my shit and not talk to people for weeks while acting reckless.

>take estrogen due to fetish
>hips get wider
>actual dysphoria sets in
>hate body, feel like its ruined
>literally daily thoughts of suicide, nonstop drug use
>decide to just go for it and transition, basically feel like its forced and I have no choice
>no longer suicidal druggie
sometimes it makes me happy to think there's another universe where all of this was avoided and I have a normal happy life

>>7732832
I was full on suicidal for years before I transitioned. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror unless I was really fucked up or I'd just start crying so I became a full on alcoholic for awhile while still repressing myself and not admitting there was a problem. I tried to kill myself like half a dozen times but it never took (cut to shallow, or mom would find me and get me to the er to get my stomach pumped, etc), and after I overdosed and almost died on fentanyl I finally admitted to myself that I wanted to transition and if I didn't pass then I'd kill myself, and luckily hrt worked out really well for me and now I'm actually capable of being happy with drugs. It's pretty sweet. I only drink in social settings and the only drug I use regularly is weed because I live in a state where it's legal and I'm stoner trash

>>7732851
I'm the same as you except my body was feminized due to a hormone problem that caused low pubertal testosterone. Half-assed male puberty just gave me leg hair and a thin mustache.

So if I didn't transition, I would look like a 15 year old manlet now, instead of an adult normal-sized woman.

>>7732832
CSTS trans people like you describe are 20-30% of the trans population.

>>7732832
>suicidal thoughts all day every day?
yep
but I'm confident I can take it to the grave
I hate trannies and never want to be one
I know I'm better than them, and I can deal with this in my own way

>>7733036
why the hate anon? how do you deal with it?

>>7733036
>I hate trannies and never want to be one
not all trannies are like the impression you probably have of them
what is the point in trying to take your inner wishes to the grave with you? just to hold up the (false) appearance others have of you?

>>7733049
because I don't like trannies
did I not make that clear?

I don't like them, I don't want people to think I am one, I couldn't look myself in the mirror if I became one.

It's not an 'inner wish', it's an illness.
I'm not satisfied with the current method of treatment, so I'm not doing it.

>>7733056
if you could instantly switch sex without being trans, would you?

>>7733056
>because I don't like trannies
>did I not make that clear?
I was just kinda wondering why
>it's an illness
true, but expressing it probably will make you much much happier than you'd think

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>>7732832
I assumed I had some form of hardcore clinical depression from about middle school all the way until I was 24. I was constantly thinking of suicide and just physically felt bad all the time. I stumbled across the concept of being trans a couple of months after I had a mental breakdown and it made the most sense so I researched it for the next 4 years and finally started transition.
I've been on hormones for a little over a year and I dont have that awful full body terrible feeling nor do I have the suicidal thoughts at anywhere near the amount that I had before (Like almost none existent). I want to say that I did have hardcore dysphoria according to my research and experiences but I never got an actual diagnosis because I went to an informed consent clinic for hormones.

I dont like the idea of one group being more legitimate than the other since right now we dont have a lot of information dealing with the direct causes of being transgender considering is not a sexy enough topic for people to want to invest in researching.

>>7732832
Being trans is completely religious for me. I couldn't separate the two if I tried. Psychiatric conceptions of the experience, troll explanations as to possible environmental or propaganda causes, even my own dysphoria, are all really irrelevant. I am who I am because of the will of the gods--nothing more or less. As Julian put it, I set a limit to my limitless course. Are there persons compelled by perversions of the soul? Oh I'm sure of it. Some are just empty vessels with indefatigable appetites, like living hungry ghosts. You have to be careful out there.

>>7733223
I don't feel the same way but please explain more about the connection.

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I was completely miserable, unwilling to do much at all, eating garbage to feel better. My confidence was completely wrecked, rock bottom.
Sometimes I'd momentarily forget and feel like I was pretty normal and happy, but as soon as I got self aware in any way I'd fall right back down in sorrow.

Suicide was never an option, though. Death is final, even a life of pain is something compared to nothingness. I will never cut my only short burst of existence short.

When I got to the doctor I was completely dead set, there was no doubt for me or them, just going there and getting the process started did wonders as there was something very concrete on the horizon.
Since I started hormones I've become both happier, healthier and more productive. I always planned to lay low with expressing myself the way I wanted until I'd gone far enough into the process to be able to pass effortlessly, but it didn't take very long for me to gain self confidence to be the way I've always wanted.
All my friends and family have been very kind and accepting, not having to hide it and knowing that you matter to everyone who matters to you is extremely supportive.
Things are looking up and I'm feeling self fulfillment for the first time since childhood.

>>7733317
Ah, well there are so-called and famed "peak experiences" which are sometimes religious in nature. To feel utterly squashed by an infinite hand. To feel yourself obliterated by a voice beyond comprehension. Those things you will never forget. They are so much a part of you that you scarcely need to relive them in memory. I was struck down one day by such a force, made handmaiden of an ancient god. The elation at being made a facsimile of a woman, or less than a man, centered on fulfilling that divine directive--not in the comfort of a mirror's reflection. The doctor said I was a model patient; it's because I had no fear. So many women here are lacking in confidence and satiety with their lives, and I just can't relate to that. If you perceive yourself as a mistake, you will live like one.

>>7732832
>How many of you trannies actually suffer/suffered from hardcore gender dysphoria that would cause you to have suicidal thoughts all day every day?
Hello, I'm one of those. If I had to stop HRT I'd probably kill myself.

>>7733392
What do you feel experiences like that? What were the circumstances of the one that made you handmaiden? How male/female had you felt before that?

>>7733423
My childhood was complicated, but I always had a feminine disposition. Anyone who asks you to quantify something like that is a reductionist of the worst kind, and likely disingenuous. I had girlfriends, and played the sort of games they played for as long as it was socially acceptable. As I'm sure many transgender women will corroborate, one day the behavior becomes unacceptable, and you're punished for failing to segregate and act appropriately. This is a major cause of repression, it definitely was for me. I was always a wu wei type of person, don't fight the current. In retrospect I should have, if long enough to have nipped the problem in the bud. Puberty was uncomfortable. The desire to change my circumstances sort of crept up on me, culminating in what I can only describe as a highly dissociative episode. Maybe I call it god, maybe someone else calls it a lashing from the unconscious. In any case, I called up a surgeon and made an appointment the very next day. I could go on and on about the sensory experience that drove home the immediacy of acting. Words are lacking though. Her voice was clear, booming and inhumanly scathing. I felt disembodied and embarrassed. It wasn't negative though. More like a child coming to terms with their ignorance. There was always dysphoria, but it went hand in hand with meeting my maker, so to speak. When I reflect on my transformation, I remember the feeling of my nervous system reaching out into everything, and the total sense of relief and empathy one feels as an indivisible part of the Platonic One, however brief the glimpse. That's the most beautiful memory I have. There's some underlying theological stuff going on, but it would take too long to explain. Anyway being trans has been positive for me.

>>7732832
I never really felt male or female, just out of place. I didn't always hate the idea of becoming a man, I'd hoped that I'd eventually be able to grow decent facial hair and be muscular and shit. At the same time I've always loved my feminine features, long slender legs, thin wrists, big eyes, thick lush hair. I'm not sure if my paraphilias that stemmed from being gay allowed me to repress (furry fem AAP shit) but once I realised I was losing my femboy features I got even more depressed than usual. Then I found about HRT, and jumped on it. I couldn't stand the idea of aging as a man. Am I really MtF or a transition non-binary? I don't fucking know and I just want to stop existing.

>>7733683
Thank you for sharing! What were you told during that experience?

What feminine behavior was it that you got made to segregate for?

>>7733737
That sounds like just less severe or more selective dysphoria (you being ok with some parts of being male). That's maybe what non-binary is.

>>7732832
>How many of you trannies actually suffer/suffered from hardcore gender dysphoria that would cause you to have suicidal thoughts all day every day?
Me. My life was increasingly dull and miserable. I started starving myself, sucking at school, feeling suicidal, etc. Then I started HRT at 17 and life is wonderful now. I would most certainly be dead if I were born even 30 years ago.

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>>7732834

LOL

>>7733744
>Thank you for sharing! What were you told during that experience?
How do you mean? Girls and boys would always compliment my legs and eyes and eyebrows and that felt pretty amazing.
>What feminine behavior was it that you got made to segregate for?
I dunno, my postures and gestures have always been a mix of masculine and feminine. I'd always overcompensate around other guys, speak with a deeper voice and try to be "manly" so that they wouldn't exclude me; I guess I enjoyed their company... Plus it meant I got to talk about cars and machines which are cool as fuck. I was always really awkward around girls because I thought they'd think I was flirting with them or wanted to sleep with them etc. when all I really wanted to do was be friends and hang out and talk... Fuck.... I'm fucking crying now, why does it hurt so much when that I never got to have normal friendships with girls?

>>7732832
idk if this counts but
>pre puberty I never showed any girly tendencies
>post puberty I started developing feelings for males
>generally hated my body because acne and being too thin
>from 15-17 just had many crushes on many boys and was obsessed with being more feminine and pretty but not for a sexual reason
>leave my hair longer and try make up, feel uncomfortable about my penis and be called a boy
>be in denial about being trans just because it seems like a more difficult like than just being a gay male
>turn 18 and talk to my therapist about feeling weird about being a boy
>"your def trans anon"
>imagine having breast and start to like the idea
>start to also feel 10 times more disphroic every second of every day
>notice the way I'm treated being a male
>feel hopeless and want to cry
>literally don't want to ever go out of my house ever again until I have transitioned and can pass

I convince myself that I'm not me and it's okay and to keep going. Boys don't take me seriously because I'm not a grill. I'm not doing it for them either, I just feel that if I continue to be a man I'll kill myself. I just want to be pretty and happy. Everyday that passes I feel more and more trapped and that this isn't the body I feel I should have. I'll possibly start HRT in a month.

>>7733856
I meant during the experience of being spoken to during your dissociative episode. What she said that drove home your dysphoria and realization of being made not male?

I'm sorry anon. Who are you romantically attracted to?

>>7733898
>notice the way I'm treated being a male
What in particular?

>>7732832
I started out this way, yes. I was pretty unhappy for much of my childhood and blackly suicidal as a teenager.

For various reasons, I still ended up putting off medical transition, but I socially transitioned. I couldn't have gone on living pre-transition; I would have suicided, life wasn't worthwhile.

To cope with the dysphoria I still had about my body underneath the social role...I dunno, I just worked really hard on it because I realized that it was to a really pathological level. Like, I couldn't be in a relationship because I couldn't handle anyone touching my real body. In my every fantasy, there was an extremely sharp split between reality and what I imagined my body to be, and I felt like it was unhealthy to not try to bring them into some kind of congruence. If I couldn't do it physically, I HAD to do it mentally.

So I spent a lot of time thinking consciously about the good aspects of my body. Some of it maybe even looked like that "body positive" shit you see now - I kinda hate the bodyposi stuff, since it's mostly about making excuses for fat girls to be unhealthy. Still, I sort of used those techniques, like reminding myself that my body is healthy and tries to keep me alive and well.

De-gendering it to just "mine" rather than male or female helped me cope with it until I could get on HRT.

But I'm so much MORE happy on HRT. Other than some acne, there's literally no downsides. Prior to starting it, I had sort of a mental list of "pros" versus "cons" that has since evaporated. The things I even thought I would dislike...I don't. There's no cons.

I don't (((think))) this way, I AM this way. No one (((else))) told me who I am. I just knew.

>>7732832
I haven't transitioned and currently Im suffering from a lot of that. Sometimes I thinknsuicide its the only escape from this hellis scenario.

>>7733744
She scolded me for self-destructive behavior, seemingly frustrated at having to intervene. And then there was a sort of playful mocking as she described the price. I later found that Catullus captured her humor well. For many years I have worshiped, not shy to proselytize. Oh but your second question, I want to say I was around 6 years old when parents and school officials collectively became uncomfortable with children being agendered blobs who could play in mixed company. It wasn't enough to drive the distinctions of male and female into us, but to literally separate us. I went from having a healthy social life to having no friends very quickly. There were a lot of things pushed on me that I did not like--you name it. And I felt alienated when play dates were set up with boys, who I just couldn't jive with or understand. They were insufferably dirty, ill-behaved and always getting me into trouble.

>>7733761
Maybe... I dunno, even though I was born male I always self-identified as a tomboy (since I was like 12 or so) even though I didn't think I was trans until a little over two years ago, 26 now.

>>7733904
It was terrible, I couldn't believe how stupid I was not to recognise any of these feelings and put them together... That people saw me as a man in every interaction, that I'd never be able to bear children; the idea of fatherhood made me feel sick. I would've probably killed myself if my boyfriend didn't force me to get help... I'm attracted exclusively to men, at least now... It's weird because I'd have crushes on girls all the time but it would never consist of anything sexual, I'd just imagine us hanging out and talking, going for bushwalks and riding bikes together, like never anything sexual or lewd... The one date I actually did go on with a girl I had a crush on was really awkward, we held hands and it felt so unnatural; adrenaline was rushing through me and my heart was pounding. This never happened with any guy I was with... hand holding and touching and kissing held no discomfort. But growing up I never had crushes on any guys, but I always wondered what my friends looked like naked (creepy, I know) but never felt romantic attraction, at least not until 16-17... God I'm so fucked up

>>7733916
Well in general it just seems people treat you harsher which I guess is okay. Usually if a guy sees a girl carrying anything he always offers to carry it for her and stuff like that but I don't care about that. Here is what I mainly notice for example in parties:
>boys always ask for my girl friend's names
>boys always act as if anything a girl says is interesting or funny just for being a girl
>you are invisible to most boys
>get called bro and shit like that
>guys are generally ruder about everything cause I'm not a girl
>I'm always seen as the second option and usually only for sex

I'm over getting asked what my friend's name is and if she's my girlfriend. I'm over not being noticed. I just want to be a girl already.

>>7733904
>Who are you romantically attracted to?
I don't know why some other anon is replying to you, but I've always liked guys.

>>7734003
Because I'm retarded, sorry anon.

>>7734042
It's okay. Maybe you forgot to have second breakfast. You know what's really delicious? Butter up a warm piece of toast or a bagel or whatever you like, put some cinnamon on there, and dip the bread in sweetened condensed milk. Mmm. Just like a cinnabon.

>>7734095
I had two bowls of cereal, I do second breakfast at the same time as first. That does sound pretty tasty though, I might try it at lunch time

>>7732832
I already knew I was fucked and would be a monstrous hon before I started, put it off for two years but was already fully masculinised bone-wise so didn't lose out on anything; then the gender dysphoria got so bad I tried to kill myself three nights in a row and I ordered HRT 'cause it was either that or try and kms again

lo and behold, I was correct and I never pass even at 16 months HRT with full makeup and girlclothes and avoiding speaking, gender dysphoria defines my existence

>>7733036
You are a badass, state of the badass art!

>>7733940
How feminine are you now, as a girl?

Can you elaborate on your identity? You said "a facsimile of a woman, or less than a man".

How old were you when you got the revelation?

>I want to say I was around 6 years old when parents and school officials collectively became uncomfortable with children being agendered blobs who could play in mixed company. It wasn't enough to drive the distinctions of male and female into us, but to literally separate us.
It was school, not parents? How did they separate kids and keep them acting differently? What did they do to you for not conforming?

>>7734000
>Well in general it just seems people treat you harsher which I guess is okay.
This is what hurts me. It's hard to point out exactly when it happens because it's subtle.

>>7734226
Feminine enough to attract a straight-acting boyfriend. As for my identity, I know that I'm not a woman. I embrace the karmic experience, or whatever you want to call it, of being transgender. There are highs and lows, but you learn something. Me and a cousin of mine, when we were very little, got curious about what our parents wouldn't tell us about our differences! That's when I first knew for sure that I wasn't like her, or all my friends. Though I obviously didn't know the full ramifications. As for segregation, I remember distinctly one day when I was jumping rope with the girls, one of the recess aids came up to me. She insisted that I play football with the boys. For someone with a submissive disposition, especially as a kid, you just sort of shrug and go along with it. I'm sure that wasn't school policy or anything, but subtle reinforcements like that kept happening until the girls themselves pushed me away. A lot of transgender folk say puberty is bad, but catching cooties was where it all started.

>>7734296
>Feminine enough to attract a straight-acting boyfriend.
That could still be anything from girly girl to total tomboy!

That kind of subtle social reinforcement is really nasty. Just let kids play!

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>>7734000
Thing with guys is they like to think of themselves as straight-forward uncomplicated in comparison to THOSE WOMEN AMIRITE, but in reality they have lived their entire lives being pushed into suppressing their emotions and doing a collective witchhunt for anyone breaking the rules. Even if it's just verbal disdain, they're quick to judge their peers for any form of demasculinization.
If you're a guy, you're basically bullied into being assertive, dominant and unemotional. While they still have just as many feelings as girls, but they have no channel to open up about it, they have no social ability to deal with other peoples feelings.
You talk to a guy about an emotional problem and he will just feel awkward, talk to a girl and you'll have an actual conversation.
Being female, you're basically allowed socially to express all human needs, having a more advanced grip of emotions is not complicated, it's just natural.

>>7734646
That reminds me of a funny story. My mom was a bit of a tomboy and tried to play mom and dad, since dad wasn't around. She took me out to play catch one day and hurled a softball right into my nose. I bled all the way back to the house and swore off baseball for good. It was much more fun helping great grandma in the kitchen.

>>7734733
Another boy who could have been cis if not for her mother's masculine influence!

>>7734733
That sounds adorable anon. I like your mom.

>>7733924
>For various reasons, I still ended up putting off medical transition, but I socially transitioned
Pretty much only trans guys are able to get away with this. I'm kinda jealous

>>7732832
tried to kms at 17. i think that counts for something

>>7732832
I thought I was a girl since I was like 4. I did typical girl things when I was young and felt comfortable around woman and had a group of girlfriends I would hang out with and we talked about boys or played vidya. I got shamed by my family later for being to feminine and some of my family I guess were attracted to me because of it and they would sexual abuse me saying you want to be a girl then we will treat you like one. I would cover up my body in layers even swimming I would wear double shirts and long shorts it wasnt so much I was born in the wrong body but I knew there was something wrong with it, and I never understood why I hated it so much. I had a older sister I envied to death because she was mega beautiful and I waited for puberty to do that to me but it never happened. I never really went through puberty and never grew alot of body or facial hair. I was picked on for being small and feminine and I never realized why I was so suicidal but I went through phases trying to make sense of the gender I was so I wouldn't get bullied but I cut and tried to kill myself alot. I often had like attacks I didn't know what they were but I cried and had like panic attacks so strong it made me throw up. Then I found trans girls on youtube and it all clicked and I desperately wanted to transition. One of the videos I actually found was one of the trips on 4chan she made a DIY video. I tried suicide before I transitioned the first time. My family is fucked up though that I had to be on and off hormones since 22-23 to help out with the family so now I'm 27 and transitioning for the fourth time but I'm getting off hormones one more time to help out my shitty family but this time I'm saving up for ffs and other surgeries and then moving out and living my life before I actually Kill myself the thing is I'm kind of ugly but I'm gonna try anyways because the other option doesn't seem all that good yet life isnt fair.

>>7733087
Being trans is not an illness

>>7733056
If you really were trying you wouldn't be on this board. You realize that's just gonna make it more difficult right?

>>7738352
>Being trans is not an illness
It kind of is symptom wise, though. Clincal depression, non-existing self confidence and urge to cut off dick is not healthy and you need help for it. Getting on hormones really felt like I was getting cured from a disease.

>>7738572
The "illness" part is just the bad feelings, if you manage to do things which make you not have bad feelings then it's not an illness. I think that HRT and maybe even surgery can be part of the necessary change but it also requires a different perspective on yourself.

Having a particular urge or preference isn't an illness by itself, it only becomes so when its lack facilitates a detrimental effect to your life or regular functioning. This was the distinction which was used in the revisions to the definition of homosexuality as mental illness, which changed to "ego-dystonic homosexuality". It's only a problem if it is actually a problem, if you just have a preference and go about achieving it while still functioning well then you are not ill.
Years later all instances of homosexuality were removed from the DSM and it became viewed as an illness less and less. The definitions that are used for trans people have recently changed as well, the removal of the archetype of the ill person, "transgender identity" is now just more focused on the negative effects. The thing is, all those bad effects are merely a result of a constrictive society that does not accept trans people, the lack of education and openness in their youth, the shame and repression too, all a result of the cultural environment they're in. In the future, society will be more open to trans people and accepting of bodily autonomy and the negative effects of the so called illness will dissipate too, at which point the official definitions will change just like it did for homosexuality.