Alright people, specifically trans people mtf and ftm (like they

>>6999617
>I know you people probably get tired of all the probing questions, but i just want to understand
This actually is different than the usual questions (or arguments) we usually get here. People usually want to criticize the phenomenon of being trans rather than hearing anything about us as individuals ourselves,so it's kind of a nice way to be asked about trans things

I'll give you some little detail (as I'm on a bit of a time budget I can't go super in-depth) as long as you don't try to generalize my experience to speaking for all trans people.

To begin, I am what you would call an mtf, I guess. I'm early on in transition, though I've basically known I was trans for years. Two months now on testosterone blockers and estrogen. People ask me why I'm transitioning, and in truth, the dysphoria isn't unbearable... I've made it through 24 years without it really beating me up too badly. The trouble is... I know that the feelings don't really go away. I'm transitioning now so that I don't have to do it later and become a 45 year-old transitioner with a wife and kids. The fact that this happens to people is enough evidence that repression probably isn't the best course of action for me.

That said, an interesting part of my own experience being trans probably comes from my "repression period." It's supposed to be very normal for trans people to go through such a period, and often they will overcompensate (so in the case of an mtf, acting very masculine). I did not exactly have this kind of a response, but I did for a time feel very critical of trans people in general. This would've mostly been around when I was 21-22 years old. I could've told you from the time I was like 12 that I was trans, and even then I knew that I wanted to transition... but it seemed like an impossible dream. I could never tell my parents about it, so I figured I'd have to do it once I was out on my own. But I'll get more to my childhood later. I'll talk more about repression in a moment

Idk, what do you wanna hear, abuse stories?
Doubt my youth was much different to anyone else's around here.

My brother came some years after me and was severely disabled, so all attention diverted to him and by the time I was like 14 years old my parents basically considered me adult and stopped giving a shit about me entirely.

Then in school when puberty hit I had a lot of trouble dealing with my voice dropping, me starting to smell, having to shave, it felt wrong and I started to neglect myself, dressed to blend in, didnt get along with people anymore and became a shut in and an alcoholic by the time I was 17. If I knew about transsexuality I might have drawn the connection but I didnt and so I repressed hard and countered any feelings of femininity with acting extra manly and then I started cutting myself and started a course of 8 years of therapy only to start transition towards the end of those. Depressions were kinda permanent so I didn't feel like I had much to lose and once I heard about transsexualism it fit like a glove anyway to the things I felt.

I still struggle with shedding that protective barrier I cast around myself that I'd always keep distance to people, not allow myself to share any emotion or let people into my life any deeper than the surface. For some reason having people think of me as feminine or a faggot was my worst nightmare so I set myself up to not let that happen.

But like, it was just there at some point during puberty that my body image and the way I thought I should behave drifted away from reality and what I understood as typically male.
Games helped excape from that and in MMOs I could forget about myself and just be a girl, even though that was probably cringeworthy but it felt way better.

Now I more or less pass and still don't act very feminine but I don't feel bad anymore about doing what I do, it's a lot more like me and if I seem like a tomboy thats cool too I guess, I finally don't care anymore.

>>6999716
cont.

When it comes to me repressing, I think my experience was somewhat unique. Through my childhood, the thought process was "I can't come out to my parents, I'll have to do this once I'm an adult." So it was truly something I kept secret for almost my entire life so far. They still don't know, even though I'm now on hormones. I'll have to come out soon. I know they won't disown me, but I'm sure they won't understand it. I don't think it can be explained by any rational means, so to me the notion that cis people could ever really "get it" is very dubious.

Anyway, on repression: for a time I actually became somewhat of a /pol/ regular. What began perhaps as a morbid curiosity led to me actually feeling strong prejudice towards Jews, gender non-conforming people, ethnic minorities, etc. I think the reason it really captured my attention though is it offered a stark alternative to the "you're trans, so you have to transition" narrative usually heard from other sources. It gave me a notion of struggle, not simply to prevent embarrassing myself, but a true moral struggle, where I was tempted by insidious forces and had to righteously maintain my course. People are willing to believe a lot of things if they make their lot in life seem less grim, I feel. Thankfully, going to university got me out of my /pol/ phase.

However, I remained skeptical for some time of the factors that lead a person to transition. I came to doubt that trans people are frontline soldiers in a war against western civilization, but I still saw them as sad souls that were unable to maintain as well as myself. From my awkward spot with gender (even when acting as a dude, growing a beard, etc, I never saw myself as a man), I felt that I gained unique insights and perspective. My sexuality was also very muddled, but I was very good at pleasing women. Perhaps this was more special pleading to keep from transitioning, but I felt as someone displaced by gender that I had special powers

>>6999752
Funny timing, sorry.

>>6999752
cont.

of some sort. I have always been a very capable person, and I feel that being able to defer my happiness so effectively allowed me basically to channel such impulses into more tangible notions of success. Few would see taking girl hormones and practicing makeup for hours to be succeeding at life compared to the things I did before.

What ultimately got me, I suppose, was my crossdressing habit. Crossdressing is very common for trans people. Often, whether a person is cis or not, crossdressing can be an arousing experience, however, getting aroused by crossdressing pissed me off. I wanted to look cute in women's clothes, so having an erection was annoying. That's neither here nor there, though the arousal seems to go away once it's no longer "taboo" or novel or whatever. Point is, this crossdressing got me, because I couldn't stay away from it even when I was presenting well as 100% male. Especially when I was drunk, I would very much want to put on my girly clothes. It's hard to really say why (idk lol, being trans?) but the impulse was pretty strong. Eventually it became tiring in a way to even maintain secrecy around it. My bag of hidden girl clothes grew, but the more I dressed up in them, the more I came to dislike the way I looked in them.

Then came the dreams. Being a woman (or man, for ftm people) in a dream is a very happy experience for most trans people. I had these dreams more and more regularly in the time leading to acknowledging not just that I'm trans, but that I'm going to transition. I guess for about a decade I would've said "I'm trans, but I'm not transitioning... yet," and eventually the "yet" just got dropped for a while. So I was a trans person who was going to take it to the grave.

I can't remember quite what made me realize I'm definitely trans, but around the time of binge crossdressing, trans dreams, and heavier drug and alcohol use (and abuse), I decided to return again to trans websites after many years

>>6999795
cont.

and this time was more willing to take them seriously. I think that my prejudice towards trans people was very diminished. Around this time, my good internet friend who I'd talk to about feelings continued to try convincing me that I'm just a guy who likes to crossdress. After a while, that baffled me, and when I told her I'm probably full trans, she stopped speaking to me. That sort of hurt. But being in trans spaces, online, and reading the experiences of these people definitely got through to me this time. I had to get over a lot of internalized bias to stop seeing the desire to present as a female as some deplorable, perverse sign of weakness. It was maybe six months ago that I decided I would transition. I didn't really begin the process until I found /lgbt/ though. Trans people on Reddit and such wait around for the doctor to tell them they're actually trans, go to countless therapy appointments, wait months for appointments, etc. /lgbt/ showed me how to self-med. Shortly before my 24th birthday, I had to begin. This is after years and years of feeling depressive when my birthday rolls around. Deferred ideas of "I'll be in transition by the time I reach the next one," never coming to fruition. I couldn't take another, so I started hormones just a few days before my birthday. Guess the rest is history. Feel free to ask if you have more questions. This is kind of the most I've told about it in one place, and it ended up being longer than I expected. Kind of good to get it all out and organize my thoughts a bit as well.

>born female
> learned from my mom the difference between boys and girls when I was very young, probably 3-4
> immediately wanted to be a boy but my mom wouldn't hear of it
> prayed that God would make me a boy but it didn't work
> oh well, have a pretty normal childhood overall, my mom says I was a serious child but as I remember it I was happy and outgoing
> puberty hits, enter periods and boobs and first sexual thoughts
> become unhappy and introverted, super uncomfortable with my body, self confidence plummets
> manage to deal with it and be a somewhat functional person because what else can I do?
> have some feelings for guys during this time but whenever things start to get physical alarm bells start going off in my head and I make excuses to get away
> never have a "real" bf (had a couple childish relationships when I was 11-13)
> find out about trans people when I'm ~17 and realize that describes me perfectly but can't transition cuz of my conservative family
> go to college, don't make any friends for months, pretty unhappy, but I get through the first year and finally make a friend towards the end
> make more friends second year and start drinking and partying a lot
> by third year I'm disillusioned with college and drinking more than going to class
> realize what I'm doing isn't for me and get a job, finally no longer reliant on my family
> still a virgin, finally realize I like women, but don't tell anyone
> still partying a lot, start doing drugs
> get wasted on my 22nd birthday, take 5 tabs of LSD, have a really ugly and shameful mental breakdown, realize I'm never going to be happy add a woman, finally decide to transition
> start T in march, top surgery in July, lose virginity in October
> get name legally changed this past march
> get gf in march also, break up in July though
> now 24 and happier with myself than I have ever been

As for the future, I'd like to get married, find a fulfilling job, maybe have bottom surgery. Ama I guess.

>>6999752
>>6999716
>and often they will overcompensate
i'de like to hear more about the thoughts you had during this period. What exactly did you think when confronted with the concept of being attracted to feminine things? Did you feel conflicted, as if you were trying to uphold some form of identity and that these things were breaking you down? Something like that?

>Through my childhood, the thought process was "I can't come out to my parents, I'll have to do this once I'm an adult."
Did you have alot of insight about who you were and wanted to be as a child? What kind of thoughts were these? Did you have a problem conforming to masculine stereotypes? Did you views on yourself and how you appeared to others shape image you had tried to present to others? What kind of person did you pretend to be?

>My sexuality was also very muddled, but I was very good at pleasing women.
This i can personally relate to. I can imagine that you wanted them to be pleased before you even thought about yourself. Do you find women attractive now? Have you always? Do you find men attractive?

>>6999750
>Idk, what do you wanna hear, abuse stories?
i suppose that would be fun, but not in particular.

>having to shave, it felt wrong and I started to neglect myself, dressed to blend in
did you ever have any particular obsessions when it came to your appearance? I know you said you began to neglect yourself and didn't really care, but was there any aspects of your personal appearance that you molded after others, maybe a hairstyle that you kept getting or the way you wore your clothes or shoes?

>I still struggle with shedding that protective barrier I cast around myself that I'd always keep distance to people, not allow myself to share any emotion or let people into my life any deeper than the surface.
Has this improved at all? Do you now let people in your life? Do you have a significant other? What kind of person are you sexually interested in, if any?''

>>6999795
>though the arousal seems to go away once it's no longer "taboo" or novel or whatever.
so your saying that you longer felt yourself aroused by the action after repeated exposure? But your desire to continue cross dressing still existed also?

>Then came the dreams. Being a woman (or man, for ftm people) in a dream is a very happy experience for most trans people. I had these dreams more and more regularly in the time leading to acknowledging not just that I'm trans, but that I'm going to transition.
I'de like to hear more about your dreams, the ways that they played out, the situations that unfolded int them. I'de also like to hear about your dreams as a male if you remember any. Did you ever have dreams of sex? As a male or female?

>>6999842
Good follow up questions, sounds like you have a healthy interest

1. During my repression period, I basically thought that I could make it as a man who wants to feel feminine. This varied between me thinking I could just be an occasional crossdresser, calling myself gender-queer, and being strongly critical of notions of gender stereotypes, etc. I figured that being trans was not "real," as mental health categories are socially-constructed and culturally-patterned, and I could simply escape falling into the cycle of ACTUALLY wanting to become a woman. I did not repress by overemphasizing masculinity, however, and at this point in my life is when I began to become more comfortable with expressing thoughts and ideas that are more "feminine." When I was younger, I actually tried harder to not come off as feminine, where at this time I thought I could make it part of my male persona and be happy. Upholding identity would be more of a concern when I was younger, I feel.

2. My childhood is actually kind of the craziest part of the whole thing. I guess I'll get to it in more detail later. But for a LONG time, I just sort of assumed that my penis was defective, and I never cared to try it out for anything beyond peeing. Also, I said earlier that I became a person that was very confident and socially-capable; I failed to mention that that was not always the case. When I learned good social skills was around the age of 17 (also when I first masturbated, quite late I'm led to believe), and at this point I finally said "I can BE a woman but pretend to be a male," which led into my "tricking everybody" phase that lasted a while. I did a great job of seeming male, I suppose, aside from putting little effort into appearance/hygiene, etc. But as a kid?! Holy shit, man! I was a mess. CRIPPLING social anxiety, like I couldn't even talk to a normal person. I was cool with the nerds and one of the more talkative people in the nerdy

(brb laundry)

>Super extroverted happy little boy
>Allowed to do whatever I want in a private school
>Did dance after school
>Would wear dance uniforms as soon as I got home
>parents worked never saw them until 8-9
>they'd change me into pjs and say nothing
>friends with all the girls
>blonde long hair

Enter drugs and gender policing
>dad starts hitting mom
>hate him
>can't go to dance
>suddenly girls know I'm a boy and that's gross
>no friends
>can't handle beating people up,stealing, and breaking stuff that young boys do
>found out for doing dance, and beat up
>all my dance stuff disappears from my drawers
>start cross dressing in moms clothes, mostly just the tights
>around 5th grade my feet are too big to fit in my moms shoes
>have a mental break, cry, realize I'm a monster
>go to school to be beaten and called a fag, go home and beaten for being feminine (emotional, talking with hands, etc)
>start having dreams where I become a girl and mom has to deal with it
>happy
>grow little breasts
>get felt up and molested in school
>no one will stop it
>boys will be boys
>dreams intensify
>cry about being born a boy
>drop out of dance
>get fat
>shut down become zombie
>cross dress in high school
>wear girls undies/bras etc with girlfriends almost exclusively to have sex
>try to drone it out
>have them suck on my breasts and be more dominant with me to keep me in the mood
>don't know what trans is until I'm 29
>transition month after I find out
>find a little bit of peace, but my family is still borderline awful
>get les girlfriend
>still like my breasts sucked on

>>6999816
>I couldn't take another, so I started hormones just a few days before my birthday.
how long have you been on meds? Do you find that you life has improved? Are there any ways in which your disappointed by the results?

>>6999911
cont.

I was one of the more talkative people in the nerdy crowd, but I hung out with them less because of shared interests in many cases and more because I was intimidated by anyone more "cool." Basically, my expression was limited to "N/A" back then. I didn't cut my hair. I didn't shower or bathe. I didn't choose my clothes. I didn't change my clothes. And I didn't speak unless spoken to. Basically, I was disgusting and filled with the sensation of not belonging. I cared about what others thought to the point of taking any criticism VERY harshly, but I was crippling afraid of the notion of even expressing myself. Even among friends, I was very secretive and reserved, even though I would be very outgoing around people I felt safe with. It's a miracle that I ever learned real human interaction, desu.

3. This is the case, I was concerned primarily with getting a woman off. It was basically entirely her pleasure that gave me sexual pleasure, and I would usually think about sex from HER perspective. I always found women attractive, but I've come to feel that it is far more of an aesthetic appreciation and a desire to look that way than real sexual attraction. I always would fantasize about being a woman when I admired their appearance, rather than thinking about fucking them. I do find men attractive, though for a long time I pretended not to. Now I don't think I could see myself dating or having sex with a woman, though I would be open to it if I found the right one.

4. on cross-dressing
Basically I don't care much about it these days. It was mostly realizing I am def trans that made it less arousing. The taboo aspect wasn't really there once I thought "I am a trans girl putting on girl clothes," and so that was a huge part of it. The other part is hormones. Once you are putting girl chemicals inside your body, clothing feels a bit blasé. Now, on hormones, I have less desire to dress "femininely," and it seems that a lot of that was just an outlet for

>>6999822
> puberty hits, enter periods and boobs and first sexual thoughts
> become unhappy and introverted, super uncomfortable with my body, self confidence plummets
what were some of the ways in which puberty caused you to be unhappy? What were some of the things that caused your self confidence to drop?

> get wasted on my 22nd birthday, take 5 tabs of LSD, have a really ugly and shameful mental breakdown
tell me about your thoughts during this process. I'de like to hear some of the things you realized, some of the things you told yourself, and the thought process that has led to your conclusion.

> start T in march, top surgery in July, lose virginity in October
Im assuming you lost your virginity to a female, did being on testosterone help you approach women? When you lost your virginity, im assuming you were presenting as a male? Was the other party aware that you were trans before the encounter?

> now 24 and happier with myself than I have ever been
Is this a sideffect of the physical changes by themselves? Does having more life experience and a significant other have anything to do with your happiness? If you were in the same situation as your 22nd birthday, but physically as you are now, would things have played out differently?

>>6999878
>did you ever have any particular obsessions when it came to your appearance? I know you said you began to neglect yourself and didn't really care, but was there any aspects of your personal appearance that you molded after others, maybe a hairstyle that you kept getting or the way you wore your clothes or shoes?

Surprised you ask, its usually /pol/ starting threads like this only to push their same old opinions and anecdotes in their next reply.

To answer, I let my hair grow long mostly also out of neglect and wasn't concerned with my appearance at all, but in my head I had very specific ideas of styles I'd rock if I was a girl. Kind of an edgy Matrix inspired style, very 90s. Spent a lot of time in those daydreams where I'd be that girl but seeing how I'm a dude it seemed far out of reach and I didn't act on it. Closest to that I got was eventually starting to wear military type clothes because that was acceptable with the fact I was a guy.

>Has this improved at all? Do you now let people in your life? Do you have a significant other? What kind of person are you sexually interested in, if any?''
Fortunately I met another tranny on /lgbt/ whom I for the first time opened up to and she introduced me to another group of people, all online but I started to speak my mind more openly and met one guy from that group irl and seeing how he knew more about me than I would ever tell anyone irl, I slowly started to hide less behind my mask and the repercussions I used to fear didn't happen. It's been a slow progress since then and now I'd be rather happy to meet more people and try to be more open irl. Cannot do it while I don't meet anyone but I know now it's possible.
I don't have a SO, no, and sexually I'm not overly interested at all. Consider myself borderline asexual. I find it more important whether I can feel safe around someone, share things and be a little affectionate and I find it much more easy in the company of guys.

>>6999946
>>6999931
cont.

trans feelings. I still like cute clothes and makeup and want to buy and wear them, but it isn't this aching desire anymore so much as like.. a regular desire to be cute. Before it was almost a sexual impulse. Glad it's not anymore, because I feel now that my sexuality is much more "normal." I don't quite feel like it's "straight," but I also don't believe in the importance of labels that much- but my arousal coming from the male body and sexual role is a lot nicer than coming from being a gender deviant and getting off on the pleasure of someone I'm not really attracted to, you feel?

As far as hormones, I've been thrilled at the psychological results. It's only been two months though, so I'm still very much a baby trans woman. I still present male, so basically all the insight I can give is into "pre-transition" stuff. Hormones though have basically made me feel like a human- I feel like I have thoughts and feelings that are actually mine rather than a facade I put on to seem human. That bit is esoteric and not easily-explained, but my perspective has always been a very postmodern one, and I've been questionable of the importance of "individuality" and things like that. Putting that aside, it feels nice to be an individual and to care for myself.

Pivotal points for me, transitioning, would be when I realized that the saddest thing would be to die and have nobody know that I was not a REAL MAN all along. Then there was the overuse of drugs and alcohol. I totaled two cars while drinking and driving. Being drunk was the only time I really did a very good job of feeling human and forgetting that I was acting like a male instead of being one. The second car I crashed... I could have died. And I realized that I just didn't care very much. Now, being in transition, I'm even concerned about the scars I have from it. Before I wouldn't have minded or would have even cherished them, but now I care a lot more about my well-being.

>>6999911
>Upholding identity would be more of a concern when I was younger, I feel.
So your saying that, your not as concerned with upholding an appearance and maintaining a identity as you were when you were younger?

If so, is this because you can solidly say that you've become the person you want to be and feel no more conflict?

>But as a kid?! Holy shit, man! I was a mess. CRIPPLING social anxiety, like I couldn't even talk to a normal person.
Are there any aspects of your personallity in which are still, in some way, a reflection of your childhood? Such as, in social situations do you find yourself mirroring your childhood responses? Do you find yourself locking other people away? Are you afraid to get close to others? How many partners have you had in your life, pre and post?

>>6999912
>drop out of dance
Is this an active intrest that you currently pursue? Or something you feel like you've moved past?

>shut down become zombie
>cross dress in high school
what was the initial spark to begin cross-dressing again?

>don't know what trans is until I'm 29
>transition month after I find out
How exactly did you find out, and how old are you now? What are some of the ways in which your life has improved since?

>find a little bit of peace, but my family is still borderline awful
What is your current relationship with your parents? Do they understand who you are?

>>6999822
this is pretty much my exact life story up until the 1st year of college part (where i'm at right now)

>>6999987
>So your saying that, your not as concerned with upholding an appearance and maintaining a identity as you were when you were younger?
Now I want to move towards expressing a more sincere identity. I don't express the way I want yet.. I still present as a male. But presenting as "female" and acting how I want in social situations... now it's just a little desire. BEFORE? It was an obsession. I was obsessed with not giving off any gist of femininity. This is because I was afraid of being discovered, I suppose.

>Are there any aspects of your personallity in which are still, in some way, a reflection of your childhood?
Oh, of course, I mean I still have a hard time being really open with people. I'm TERRIBLE at putting myself in a position of vulernability, expressing weakness, saying I need help, crying, etc. I'm getting better at all of these things, and this is good. But I'm a bit crazy aside from being a tranny. The first time I had a mental breakdown, the solution was to remind myself that I'm actually a human. Being trans, a person is apt to do a lot of dissociation, and in this, one becomes pretty detached from the phenomenon of being human in a normal way.

These days, I come off as pretty normal, I can have good conversation with anyone, and it feels quite genuine. But there are definitely vestiges of my fear of being vulnerable, etc, and for that, maybe it's good that I remain a pretty strong and capable individual. I've only had one relationship, and that was my (ex)-girlfriend of 18 months. I would be open to have a relationship, but it's very hard now, especially being early in transition, because I realize most people would not find me super attractive, at least from now until a point in the future.

>>6999946
>I do find men attractive, though for a long time I pretended not to. Now I don't think I could see myself dating or having sex with a woman, though I would be open to it if I found the right one.
have you had any relationships with men? Are you currently in one? If not, how long has it been since your last relationship?

Also seeing as im getting more replies than i anticipated, im going to ask that you all apply some form of identification so i don't get ya'll confused, i am a bit drunk - gets the thoughts flowing.

>>6999956
>I don't have a SO, no, and sexually I'm not overly interested at all. Consider myself borderline asexual.

So im assuming you don't masturbait of view any pornography. Do you ever fantasize about being in sexual situations, or even romantic ones?

>>7000047
You asked during primetime. I'd be happy to chat another time if you care enough.

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>>6999971
>As far as hormones, I've been thrilled at the psychological results. It's only been two months though, so I'm still very much a baby trans woman. I still present male, so basically all the insight I can give is into "pre-transition" stuff.
So you find that, even though your still presenting as a male, you feel more comfortable from the medications alone? Do any of your peer know of you?

>The second car I crashed... I could have died. And I realized that I just didn't care very much.
In these instances before the crash, and even after words, did you hope for death?

>>7000047
Aight well for what it's worth, my posts have been these ones:
>>6999971
>>7000031
>>6999946
>>6999911
>>6999795
>>6999752
>>6999716

I don't tripfag on this board, but I have posted my name here before, and I like to give /mtfg/ shit for being awful, lol.

Of course it's a bit confusing following all this, so I'll repeat some of it. I had a relationship for 18 months with a cis girl. She was bi, and my life would probably be very different if I had told her about my feelings on gender. I started dating her at 20, and I was amazed that I actually had sex and such, because it seemed like a thing that would never happen. It was pretty cool. But my trans feelings were still there, and even though I loved her a great deal, the relationship didn't work out (for other reasons as well). However, if I had come out to her, maybe we'd still be together. Probably dodged a bullet, desu

Since then, I have tried to date women, women, and more women. At first I thought it was like an "oh, I'm still not over her" thing, but after a couple years of this, I'm now pretty sure that most of it was just "actually dating women isn't right for me." Before I thought "I could never tell my gf that I'm trans or want to be a girl," but now I feel that if I were to date anyone, male or female, I would want them to know right out the gate. I WOULD date a girl if she were very cool about my being trans and a very cool person, but at this point, I would rather date a man. I have never really dated men, but I have been intimate with them, and I do enjoy it more than anything I've had with a woman, which usually has felt awkward and a bit forced.

>>7000058
I can get off on thoughts of moderate BDSM and I wouldn't mind having sex with some bondage either, but it's absolutely no priority and no criteria for my choice of partner. Also I'm post-op which calmed my libido a bit further.

If you wonder, I did that out of body image issues, not because I wanted a vagina for someone to shag. Felt alienated by my dick ever since I discovered masturbation and in the shower I often felt like I should shave it off somehow.

Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice skate uphill.

>>7000107
Some motherfuckers try for 23 years to do anything but. Go fuck yourself

>>7000031
>I was obsessed with not giving off any gist of femininity. This is because I was afraid of being discovered, I suppose.
now that your "on the other side of the fence, do you find that your afraid of giving off any gist of masculinity? do you find that small things, such as handwriting ect. "give you away"?

>and in this, one becomes pretty detached from the phenomenon of being human in a normal way.
you found yourself detached? in what ways? Was it common for you to not have an opinion on things because of this detachment?

>and that was my (ex)-girlfriend of 18 months.
was your transitioning a reason for this break up?

>>7000122
>now that your "on the other side of the fence, do you find that your afraid of giving off any gist of masculinity? do you find that small things, such as handwriting ect. "give you away"?
>was your transitioning a reason for this break up?
Nah senpai, I started transition like 2 months ago.

Where I'll end up, it's hard to say, but I'm really not afraid of being androgynous. Being trans for me is less about being a "true woman" and more about not being a "true man."

>>7000122
>you found yourself detached?
Big time dissociation. I generally didn't care enough to have an opinion on things, and even today I'm very critical of notions of "natural opinion." Most of how we feel about things seems to me to derive from how we'd like to feel about them. I might be a bit at odds with my own transition on this one, because I generally believe that notions of essential personality or identity are an illusion. But the desire to be a woman has never really gone away, only hidden itself at times

>>7000062
I'de like to hear more about your experiences and how your life advances in the future. I would like you to understand that this "research" im doing is to better understand the phenomina, not to pursue a relationship. With that being said, you could call me a friend, if you desire that. If you do wish to remain in contact, leave your email and i will give you a message or something along those lines.

>>6999952
>what were some of the ways in which puberty caused you to be unhappy? What were some of the things that caused your self confidence to drop?
I mentioned them already, but growing boobs and getting my period were the two biggest things. In general my body was doing the opposite of what I wanted and I felt like it was betraying me. I wasnt comfortable with my body and as a result I didn't look good or try to and that also hurt my self esteem. I wore baggy clothes to hide my curves and didn't wear makeup. I was chubby as a kid and hated that too, but I got skinny around 12-13.

>tell me about your thoughts during this process. I'de like to hear some of the things you realized, some of the things you told yourself, and the thought process that has led to your conclusion.
I honestly don't remember it very well. I was nearly blackout drunk when I decided to dose, otherwise I never would have taken that much. It was the end of the night and I was just hanging out with my roommate when the acid kicked in. I looked in the mirror and hated the person I saw and started sobbing uncontrollably. I don't know if you've ever done psychedelic drugs, but it really fucks with your psyche. You just "realize" things. I don't know where the realizations come from, probably your subconscious. I realized that I was never going to love myself or probably even be able to have a normal relationship with another person as a woman. You have to be careful with psychedelics, because sometimes you can't trust your brain on drugs, but once i was back to normal i thought about it and realized that in this case my brain on drugs was right. I'd disliked my body and wanted to be male forever, and despite years of partying and clubbing and plenty of chances to get laid, I'd never been naked with another person or even been on a date. I already knew I had clinical gender dysphoria, but I was set on sucking it up and being a woman forever.

1/2

I dunno I felt like a girl, it made sense to me, people called me mentally ill and I probably am but it helps me feel okay with myself so I guess I did something right or made myself think I did at least.

>>7000024
>do you still care about dance/theater

Other then appreciating going, I'm way past having those as part of my life
>>7000024
>what was the initial spark to begin cross dressing
Access and ability to buy my own clothes, having a girlfriend who would lend me clothes
>>7000024
>how did you find out?
Online sites like 420 chan, and video chat like tiny chat I actually got to talk with trans girls, and then later meet them, and they We're normal and happy, and I realized it wasn't all... rocky horror picture show, it was real, through them
>improvements
Uhm, I'm not ashamed of myself, I don't feel like I'm broken and unloveable for being a girl, and I don't have the roaring feeling like my body and role in life are wrong. People are much nicer when socializing with me, and they socialize with me in a way I can cope with.

I have less stress from having to constantly compete with other men who were threatened with me, I was able to get myself away from good old boy/rape culture for the most part.

There are some downs, men in the street occasionally, being treated like I'm an idiot or below some men sometimes, having it used against me in court/law settings
>Relationship with parents
My mom is terrible, she understands it, she's just a bigot, she had a full on meltdown in the resturaunt this week for me telling her she can't say he when referring to me, and then proceeded to say it 6 times in a row loudly, and then had another complete narcissistic meltdown in the car ride back. This is pretty common with her.

My dad accepted me, and then had a heart attack and died the next day, about a month ago

>>7000099
a bit off topic, but for the cost of the procedures and medications, how did you pay for this?

also, do you miss it at all? Or do you feel alot better with it gone?

>>6999952
>>7000147
cont.

Anyways after that night and considering my life to that point I decided to just go for it and transition.

>assuming you lost your virginity to a female, did being on testosterone help you approach women? When you lost your virginity, im assuming you were presenting as a male? Was the other party aware that you were trans before the encounter?
Being on T does give me more confidence. I never approached women before though so I can't say specifically that it helped me with that. But it probably did.
I lost my virginity to a girl, yeah. I was presenting as male but I had known her for a while and she was aware of my being trans. She is also bi or at least heteroflexible and had slept with women before. My ex gf is heteroflexible also.

>Is this a sideffect of the physical changes by themselves? Does having more life experience and a significant other have anything to do with your happiness? If you were in the same situation as your 22nd birthday, but physically as you are now, would things have played out differently?
Its some of both. I think my breakdown was directly triggered by how I was physically, but lack of experience was also a factor. I never would have had the experience without the changes to my body. Given the choice of one our the other though I would choose the physical changes hands down.

>>7000030
Well, my advice is just to transition and get it out of the way so you can get on with your life. Good luck senpai.

>>7000171
>My dad accepted me, and then had a heart attack and died the next day, about a month ago
does your mother blame you for your fathers death? He did beat your mother right? Thats something i can personally relate to, but did you hold a grudge for it? Do you understand his actions? Do you now? Why do you think your mother is so against this?

>>7000207
well thank you for sharing, i would like to know your options on male to females. Could you see yourself with one? Could you see yourself with another ftm?

>>7000234
>>7000174
my bad, wrong response lol

>>7000186
I somehow made it through school and scored an apprenticeship and later a job, not like I was a dummy, just a depressed mess on meds to stay functional.
Started my HRT towards the end of my apprenticeship and then proceded to work while I could stay in boy mode and saved up enough for surgery and meds were not an issue with what I earned. Also my grandma supported me.

>also, do you miss it at all? Or do you feel alot better with it gone?
It feels so much better, the difference is huge. I will get a little revision next year for aesthetics but even so this was a great relief. Not a chance I'll miss or regret anything.
Sometimes when I don't feel so great about my progress or feel like I went from failed male to failed female I put on something tight and take a look at how I don't have a bulge between my legs anymore and then I feel a little better already. One might think about a neovag whatever they want but to me it's enough of a vagina to consider myself female now. Huge confidence boost.

>>7000260
are you still working, or looking for a new job? If your still working, what does the company think about you transitioning? If not, do you plan to present as female at your job?

>>7000253
I only know one mtf irl and she's kind of awful. As a matter of principle I empathize with them, even pity them because they have a harder time passing. I wouldn't mind dating one, but all things equal I'd rather be with a cis girl.
I'm not attracted to men so I wouldn't date another ftm. Maybe a cute transtrender, but that would probably just make me mad.

>>7000269
>are you still working, or looking for a new job? If your still working, what does the company think about you transitioning? If not, do you plan to present as female at your job?

No that was not a good environment to transition in. Many muslims and backwards thinkers. Roughly 1 year into HRT I quit before things became too evident. At that point I already had some trouble hiding my chest. I would have liked to keep working there but the mental anguish was bad enough without workplace stress.

I'm looking for a new job (first I need to move) and I'm already living fulltime so yes I do plan to present as female.

grew up in fairly middle class family. at 17 discovered i was trans and wanted to transition to female. dad was super transphobic and we'd get into fist fights on the regular. ran away from home at 17 and was homeless for 9 months until i got a kitchen job to get on my feet. unemployed again and super poor but at least have a roof over my head. meh. other people have been through worse.

>>7000291
well thank you for all of your replies, it helps paint a better picture. Ultimately, if you were going to give some advice to someone questioning themselves, what would you say?

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>be happy kid, act like opposite gender but no one really gives a shit
>cant understand people of own gender well
>be opposite gender in every game or roleplay
>puberty
>think self is hot, but dont want to be self
>peers start giving a shit about unusual behavior
>cant fit in with ppl of own gender, ppl of opposite gender distance themselves
>sad, lonely
>24/7 internet
>sexual urges, get very sad cause ywn reproduce
>learn of tranny meme
>is pretty accurate, but probably just a phase, wait for it to pass on
>tryhard repression, act like own gender stereotype
>get depressed, nothing is fun etc
>some kind of breakdown
>act natural again, feel ok again
>meh its probably the real deal, ill just accept myself
>feel better with every little step to transition
>get angry at tumblr shit
>be 20
>still hope its just a retarded meme phase

>>7000282
>I only know one mtf irl and she's kind of awful.
in what ways was she aweful? Just a bad person? Refused to improve themselves? Blamed all of their problems on others?

>>7000347
have you transitioned? are you planning on it?

>other people have been through worse.
the way you talk is humble, but i imagine youd like someone to care about you. I imagine you tell yourself things like this because you understand how it feels to be down on your luck, but surely you want someone to be there for you, right?

>>7000365
>feel better with every little step to transition
how far have you come? how far have you gotten?

>still hope its just a retarded meme phase
so you havn't transitioned yet then? do you plan on it? What about it feels fake, and whats holding you back?

>>7000358
That's difficult for me to say, as I was never questioning. I only knew about transvestites but never heard about transsexuality before I was 21 or so. Was just by chance too cause by that time I felt so bad I wondered what would happen if I just went ahead and took female hormones. That was the first time I heard of transsexuality...

But like, trannies around here value surgeries so much but I'd say it's much more important to ensure you have some social support and don't create yourself more problems than you started with. I'm afraid that's a common issue with transition, that dysphoria might be taken care of but during the progress you acquired some new issues that you end up stuck with.
Passing isn't the holy grail, keeping the remnants of your sanity together is imo.

Then again, most trannies around here have very different ideas than I do so everyone's gotta figure what they want.

>>7000397

i've been transitioning for almost 2 years now. when i was homeless i'd pay for hormone treatment with panhandling.

>the way you talk is humble, but i imagine youd like someone to care about you. I imagine you tell yourself things like this because you understand how it feels to be down on your luck, but surely you want someone to be there for you, right?

sure, it feels good to be cared for and have someone there for you, i just fucking hate when people act like they've got it the hardest and like other people havent been through shit either.

>>7000384
She's just obnoxious and doesn't pass or even try very hard top look female. And she's very vocal about being trans and makes trans people look bad. Maybe awful is too harsh, but she isn't someone I'd want to date.

>>7000415
>sure, it feels good to be cared for and have someone there for you, i just fucking hate when people act like they've got it the hardest and like other people haven't been through shit either.

I appreciate your outlook. It brings to mind of an image in the past about how perceived suffering is based off of the worst thing someone has personally experienced. I find that just like you, people who complain about what i perceive small problems annoy me. Would you say that your life experiences causes your outlook to be cynical?

>>7000467

>Would you say that your life experiences causes your outlook to be cynical?

yeah, it does. ive became a huge cunt and dont like very much people.

>>7000477
Just out of curiosity, what do you browse lgbt for?

>>7000503

everyone here is insecure and fucked up and they take it out on each other in an absurd kind of way. also a lot of my gay and trans friends are social justice fags and i hate being in an echo chamber of that.

>>6999716
>I know that the feelings don't really go away

this is trans cult propaganda, the majority of people with dysphoria get over it

>>7001012
well... you may say that

But I basically tried to make them go away for 24 years. Can you offer any more solid evidence for this claim than the claim itself?

>>6999617
>I have posted a thread similar to this like a year ago or something

So you've been wondering this or a fucking year but haven't been assed to do your own fucking research of the endless trans studies and anecdotes available online, and instead expect us to all rattle through our entire life stories (which you acknowledge is a big ask) to some lazy asshole who presents themselves as a naysayer from the outset?

No thanks.

>>6999912
Holy shit, heart-breaking but I'm glad you're doing well now.

>>6999617
>born male
>no friends as a kid
>I was that weird kid who cried a lot and didn't like guy things like sports and stuff (although that doesn't make you trans btw)
>raised southern baptist
>parents want me to be southern gentleman
>disappoint them repeatedly
>play vidya most of the time
>be in middle school
>basically super depressed all the time
>act like a flaming faggot when im not depressed
>friends pick on me and call me a faggot all the time
>everyone thinks im gay
>want to be a girl but thought everybody did and guys just aren't allowed to say it bc theyre supposed to like being guys
>find out what trans is
>realize that trans feels aren't normal
>feel terrible about it bc its a sin and if god wanted me to be a girl he would have made me a girl and even questioning gods divine plan is a sin and constantly pray for forgiveness
>be high school
>lose my religion
>accept being trans
>short lived attempt at castrating myself with rubber bands from braces which doesn't last long bc it feels super uncomfortable
>find 4chan and then /cd/
>bask in the wonderful self-hatred that is *chan
>become convinced that it will probably go away and im probably wrong about being trans
>anyway I just want to be normal and I don't want to be an unlovable freak
>feelings don't go away after a year
>maybe if I try to be more of a guy then they will go away
>make myself talk more masculine and try to get rid of femme mannerisms.
>feels get worse
>maybe its a fetish that i've internalized and im not aware of the fetish part bc its an erotic target location thing problem
>maybe if I date someone it will go away
>start talking and flirting with crush who likes me
>gender roles intensify
>dysphoria all time high
>have mini breakdown
>stop talking to her
>refuse to go to prom with her
>be college 2nd year living with parents
>buy spiro from SR with bitcoin
>estrogen for a few months when i move out
>stop out of fear
>antiandrogens until about a year ago i started estrogen too

>>7001107
no i havn't been wondering this for a year, i just thought i would re-aproach this subject now that i have a different point of view. I didn't present myself as a naysayer either, and i don't study trans people. Im just learning a little more about you people to help understand what makes us different. I'de like to hear your story as well. See what makes the stories of you people interesting in particular is the fact that you and me both found ourselves on 4chan.

>>7001680
>what do you mean 'you people'?.jpg

>>7001680
You care about differences too much anon. Care more about similarities.

>>7001181
>play vidya most of the time
was this something that helped your feelings? did you commonly play as a female character ect.?

>raised southern baptist
where are you from? I was also a southern baptist in my youth, from alabama.

>estrogen for a few months when i move out
>stop out of fear
>antiandrogens until about a year ago i started estrogen too
now when you said you had stopped out of fear, what exactly do you mean? and what caused you to pick it back up?

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>>7001705
I think you might misunderstand what i meant. I've had similar psychological break downs and other experiences as others on here, but ultimately came to accept myself. I found myself he again because i've had a little regression, but im still not wholly interested in the lifestyle you people have chosen. I wanted to deeper understand your minds so that i can find out why we came to a different conclusion.

>>7001700
you shouldn't play dumb.

>>6999617
>Born boy
>Before I could remember I was drawn to the princess stuff
>Mom went to nurse to ask about it
>Told to discourage it
>I get caught borrowing my sisters clothes (~4-5)
>Put infront of mirror
>Ask if she thinks I'm pretty in those clothes
>Dares to say yes, gets told "you don't, and I don't want to see you putting on those clothes again"
>Lose trust in people pretty much completely
>Consciously wanting to lose weight at around age 6
>Keep not eat ( severe anxiety, even overall made it hard for me to eat)
>Malnourished (have an actual deficiency in some vitamins and minerals)
>See some fetishistic AGP "trans" "woman" on TV docu
>Mom asks me if I would want to do that, say a genuine no (I wasn't a fetishist, like the guy on the docu) (Askes me a few times after, but still think it was only for fetishists)
>Get to go to child psychologist some years later (13)
>Child psychologist lets my mom come with in
>I can't say anything
>I don't get to see child psychologist again
>Continue with not trusting anyone (I had only a few friends, and primarily to divert attention from myself), continue to not eat,
>~17
>Get to see Bou from an cafe
>Read up about him
>Over a couple of years I get enough information, and get "mature" enough to start to understand what transsexualism was (that it wasn't just fetishistic transvestites that wanted to go all out on their fetish)
>Spend years being gate kept, and in general shitty treatment from health care (lose referals, refusing to actually write referals they're legally obligated to (they said they didn't think it was important enough to put the time aside to write a letter/referal))
>Been 7 years now
>Still not done (health care still shit)
>Mom payed for FFS at least, but still have facial hair... And now I've eaten myself "fat", so I need to lose about 6-8kg to get to my best skinny weight
>If I were to get skinny again, without facial hair, and presented as female, I don't think I'd have issues passing.

>>7001730
this isn't a "lifestyle", and none of us chose it. you obviously never experienced gender dysphoria so don't act like you've been where we've been and "came to a different conclusion". Judging by the way you type you're most likely autistic as well, please never transition as we have enough autistic men ruining our image. thanks

>>7001730
Oh, so this is OP?

So you actually just made it as bait.
kys

>>7001738
>Get to see Bou from an cafe
Whats a Bou??? ">Read up about him", a person?

>Mom payed for FFS at least, but still have facial hair... And now I've eaten myself "fat", so I need to lose about 6-8kg to get to my best skinny weight
So you've only gone through FFS?

>If I were to get skinny again, without facial hair, and presented as female, I don't think I'd have issues passing.
are you planning on taking hormones? and do you plan as presenting also?

>>7001766
I've obviously already started hormones

>>7001750
>this isn't a "lifestyle", and none of us chose it. you obviously never experienced gender dysphoria so don't act
fair enough, but i had delt with identity issues in the past so i can understand where you are coming from.

>Judging by the way you type you're most likely autistic as well
Lol yea i guess where i could see why you say that, but i don't sorry.

>please never transition
never plan on it, thanks

But i don't get what you have against me, why not just tell me whats wrong?

>>7001763
yea, thats me, but the thread wasn't bait and i just woke up from passing out drunk and decided to check on the thread. Im sorry if there is some form of misunderstanding or whatever, but why do you think its bait?

>>7001793
You're calling it a "lifestyle".

>>7001796
oh my bad, i guess i didn't know how else to say it. But i am assuming you did make an effort to change your lives, as in, you in some way chose this life.

>be kinda girly boy who liked to have his hair long
>always felt kinda jealous of girls but no big deal
>hit puberty
>oh shit I don't want to this I don't like the way my bodies changing
>hold it in for all of highschool
>dysphoria so intense that it made me genuinely consider suicide(and sorta attempt it in really stupid destined to fail ways)
>met cute dorky hipster girl
>pretend as though I want to be super masculine because it leads to her making comments about how I really wasn't all that masculine and that made me feel nice
>had a bit of a brief repression period where I lifted weights but it only lasted like all of nine months
>graduate hs, order hormones off the internet, tell dorky girl and also my parents that I am a tranny faggot
>me and girl start going out
>everything's been pretty chill since

I feel boringly normal.

>>6999617
Okay, this one seems pretty honest so far and even if it isn't. plenty of good stories been told already.

I was a pretty normal kid at first, eldest of four kids. My father was a workaholic, who avoided home life almost entirely. My mother was drug-addled and got progressively worse as time went on. Any amount of parenting we got was so sparse it barely helped at all. It was bad for all of us, but at least I got undivided attention for a short while, so I took to caring for my littler sisters, stepping up where my parents left off. I helped them with school, with getting food to eat, and with general emotional problems they came across.

When I went to school, I had no idea what I should or shouldn't do socially. I started gravitating towards the girls because their mentality and interests seemed more in line with my own, and so I came to be one of them on a social and behavioral level. I talked about helping my sisters out with them, they talked about their families. I may not have been physically like them, but as little kids it really didn't matter as much after a while, we all got along just fine anyways and that is how I always thought of myself, is as a little girl.

I can't say I never hung out with boys, but I never really felt a personal connection to them like that. I enjoyed climbing stuff, biking and swinging, but there was almost no emotional connection to the way they thought at that point. All of this continued like this until about the age of 11, so I basically socialized myself female for a lot of my formative years.

That is when puberty hit, and the physical differences became too much for the girls to ignore. Things got weird, they pulled away. I spiraled away into confusion and loneliness. I didn't have a place to belong socially anymore. I didn't have anyone to talk to about the things I hoped and dreamed for now. I introverted very hard. I turned to books, and to other media to hide from a world that I no longer belonged in.

>>7002075
Continued from above.

I had an increasingly bigger challenge at home as well. My sisters were getting older, and needed more and more help with things. My parents really were so absentee it wasn't even funny. I guess in a way, I had my home life as my last personal contact to other people. I came to see myself as the real mother of the family, although I never really announced it as such or anything. I just kept helping them, cleaning up and making the meals.

My mother's condition worsened, she left bed more rarely and when she did she became emotionally abusive, and occasionally even suicidal. I did my best to hide this from my sisters, taking that burden for myself. I sat with her on those suicide watches, and I was glad to keep my sisters away from it all.

This socially devoid existence continued for another 5 years until I reached 16. I got a job at 14 as a bagger at a local grocery store, and I learned to make a really good poker face to not show anything wrong. I got really proficient at talking to people in a friendly way without being interested in being there at all.

My time in school during this period was basically one of self-imposed social ostracization. I no longer felt I belonged in my own body, so I had no way to believe that my social interactions were real or had meaning. I read all of my text books from cover-to-cover and then read other books at all times in class. When I hit 16 I was absolutely done with being in school, I no longer wished to be a part of that experience, so I left school and got a GED so I could be home more.

At this point the 'family' was breaking apart. Despite all the inherent problems that I was adept at covering up, there was another one I had no control over. My father and mother no longer had any interest in each other, and so began a long and drawn out divorce process.

>>6999617
I personally know two ftm IRL and I'm not even a /lgbt/ user

>>7002134
Continued from above.

This did not do good things for us at all. One of my sisters, the eldest, cut herself to get herself moved out of the home and into a foster care system at age 14. She ended up regretting it and wanting to come home, but it does not work that way. She was trapped there til 18, when she then came home older and wiser, but changed in ways that are hard to grasp. She got married at 19 to a really good guy, and moved to Texas with him. She now has 3 children and a good home.

My next oldest sister started smoking at 12. When she was 14, she started walking the streets looking for drugs, and eventually left the house at 17 to live with one of her drug dealers. She has since had a child, but has long since moved away from that situation into a string of other unfortunate ones.

My youngest sister is definitely the baby of the family, she was five when the divorce started. She was too young to know of most of the actual struggles of the family, but I feel that is for the best. My father got sole custody, and my mother moved off to California to live with her own family. She died last year from smoking finally, but if she had stopped smoking she had been approved for a lung transplant that would have kept her alive.

At this point I was 17 and I confided in my sisters about my feeling like a girl all this time, and they weren't even surprised. I think one of them said to me: "Could have told you that, you idiot." So I had a fair bit of the relief from the worry of how family would take it, but I was in NO emotional, financial or any other position to work on solving it at all. We all got way too lost in the family tearing apart and it all took a back burner.

>>7001787
>But i don't get what you have against me, why not just tell me whats wrong?
Anon just told you, pay attention. Do you really not get why it'd piss someone off to have their medical condition reduced to a lifestyle choice?

>>7002179
Continued from above.

My father ended up dating and then remarrying after a 3 year-long divorce settlement. We moved in with her, and her family of 3 and it was an okay time, but we never really felt like we truly belonged there the whole time. We were in a 3 story building owned by the step-mother with 3 apartments in it, and us children got moved into a downstairs one with a bedroom, a living room, a kitchen and a bathroom. Converted the living room into a bathroom, and made do with it. We could go upstairs theoretically any time, but if it was at night we better have a damn good reason for waking them up.

When we moved, I switched jobs from the grocery store to a convenience store nearby and it gave me enough to get the few things I wanted and paid for my rent. The years passed. I wouldn't say I made friends, but I did start to talk to people again if I trusted them enough. I was starting to break out of my self-imposed limbo, and claw my way back to the surface.

Five years ago is when the situation changed. My father came out as a trans woman at 57. She got denied for informed consent(couldn't pass psych eval), so she had ordered HRT online and self-medded until it became medically necessary to continue. She THEN announced it to the family out of the blue, and literally tore the new family to shreds in the same moment.

I think the words of my step-mother ring most loudly in my ears when I think back to that moment: "I am not going to be a fucking lesbian!" And so began another 3 year long divorce settlement.

Of course we got shuffled out of the house almost immediately. My youngest sister and I were the only ones remaining in there, with my eldest living in Texas now, and the other one off making a baby with her drug dealer. My little sister went off and emancipated herself at 17, horrified by both sides of the divorce. She went to live with the family of an autistic child she babysat sometimes, and became live-in help.

>>7002190
This is well-put

TBHon, OP, I do respect that you're trying to learn about people's perspectives, but you come off pretty dismissive, and it's a bit harsh after some of us very much told very revealing things about ourselves... even if it is anon.

Anyway, OP, have you grappled with gender dysphoria in the past? You seem to have a very strong interest in it and say that you've had struggles with "identity."

>>7002215
Continued from above.

My little sister went on to finish high school, the only one of us children to do so officially. She moved in with her boyfriend and is now a junior in a local college funded through scholarships and a job she holds watching children at a YMCA.

Me, I drifted at this point. Cut loose, I went to become roommates with a co-worker at an apartment. It was cheap, but I was left alone which is really what I felt I wanted for the time to digest the things that I had gone through.

Time went on, I became an Assistant Manager at my work. Got actually some crazy good benefits through corporate. I eventually had a trans guy come to work as a coworker, and he recognized something in me and befriended me. He knew I was a hidden trans and basically kicked my ass until I started taking care of myself. This was about two years ago. I finally started transitioning a year and a half ago.

I am pretty sure I got majorly turned off the idea of transitioning for a while because of what my father did. Tearing the family apart, and then rushing through surgeries and whatnot. I didn't want to be associated with that, I didn't feel that was me.

And yet the fact remained, that I always felt for my whole life like a girl. A girl that hid away forever, and only wanted the best for the ones around her. A girl that had faced entirely too much emotional abuse to know how to begin living again.

Fortunately, my coworkers had become more than friends, we had forged a sort of family. They supported me, and were far more understanding than I could have even expected. They put up with a lot of shit from random people that they still won't fully tell me about now.

And here I am now. A lot less shy, a bit more confident, and definitely happy again for the first time in a few decades. I've been in a steady relationship for 6 months now. I've got a growing number of friends. Sometimes people still try to be weird, but it has actually become pretty unpopular to do so.

>>6999617
My life's nothing special. A bit of shit thrown here and there, but ordinary. Here it goes.

I was born a female but my family never gave a fuck about how i expressed myself, never had to deal with pressure to be feminine\girly in any way. I was a pretty neutral child, never made friends, refused to go to kindergarten because i didn't want other kids around, struggled immensely with elementary school. Never wanted to go, didn't like anyone, made absolutely no friends, but i performed well with high grades regardless. Spent my time at home playing on my PC\ps1\amiga500 and legos (i still play with legos though, that's a die hard habit). Same deal for middle school, hated the thought of socializing and attended sporadically but got away with it by having high grades. Did nothing special with my spare time, no friends, but i had my PC so i didn't think much of it.
Puberty hit at 13 and it fucking traumatized me, kept it a secret for two years (only my mom knew) and i felt deeply ashamed\disgusted by it. Stopped eating to prevent puberty from changing my body from kid-like shape to woman-like shape. Achieved anorexic skeleton mode at 14 but no curves, so i refused to go back. Trips to psychiatrists followed also because my father died the same year and i went batshit crazy because i was very attached to him. Refused to talk to psychiatrist, stopped attending school altogether, spent until 16 locked in at home alienated from peers and the outside world in perma-anorexia with my mother in total fucking desperation because she had no idea what to do about me, almost locked me in a psych ward once. I spent those years playing non-stop word of warcraft and made a couple of online foreign friends with which i played, which is why i'm currently able to speak english. I have never studied it in depth at school. I decided i had enough at 17 and asked to attend school again, completely out of the blue, i just really had enough of being shut in. cont

>>7002315
I went back to school and i still had no intention to make friends and i looked fucking ill due to being severely underweight (at least 20kgs, which was the threshold for having no periods anymore). Performed well, had high grades especially in chemistry, talked sporadically to this and that person, had the same hobbies at home, PC games and building shit. Decided it was enough at 20 and told my mom about all the shit plaguing my mind, she apparently suspected and gave me her support. I'm transitioning now and i'm glad i decided to, cause that was unbearable. All of these years i spent in complete apathy about myself, stagnating in severe low weight to pretend i never was a female and that was enough to keep me out of suicide territory. Every mention of my body disgusted me and i always refused sex-specific doctor visits (aka gynecologist), even though i gave myself developmental issues in virtue of forcibly halting my puberty with no food. I still look 13 even though i'm 21. I even made a friend that i love dearly. I plan to keep studying chemistry. Overall shit's better.

>>7001814
>you did make an effort to change your lives, as in, you in some way chose this life.
So there's the cancer life style too? If somebody tries to fight against their cancer, they're living a cancer life style?

>>7002190
>Do you really not get why it'd piss someone off to have their medical condition reduced to a lifestyle choice?
I understand, i didn't mean that, but that person attacked me, she didn't have to respond at all. For the record, i'de still like to hear her story if she's willing to put her adult pants and actually talk about things instead of throwing insults.

>>7002224
>I do respect that you're trying to learn about people's perspectives, but you come off pretty dismissive, and it's a bit harsh after some of us very much told very revealing things about ourselves... even if it is anon.
I understand that this is pretty revealing, and thats kind of the point. I like hearing about this stuff and i dont think i would be able to get the "truth" anywhere else, because of the anonymity. I also like the idea that some of you are getting this off of your chest, I feel like it helps to talk about this kind of stuff and wanted to create an area in which you could tell someone, even if your never going to talk to them again.

>Anyway, OP, have you grappled with gender dysphoria in the past?
Sorta, and my interest isn't very strong. I've had similar identity issues in the past with trying to figure out who i am and i had issues with my masculinity, but even if im not 100% comfortable with it, i know people that like me for it, and Im happy enough making these people proud.

>>7002523
Yea, I think everything revolves around choice, and I think that they can choose to die, or fight it when it comes to cancer - two different life choices. But Someone cleared up why i sound like a dick to you, so i'de like to apologize.Sorry.

What story? I don't have anything special to say,

I am either ftm or nonbinary. I have never been 100% certain but I live as a man so it doesn't matter much. My preteen years were perfectly normal for a lower class kid. My parents were not big on money but I had food, clothes, video games, etc. Lived a perfectly normal life. I was a shy kid but I had my friends, all girls until age 10. I never felt any dysphoria until puberty. I liked being a girl, if anything I loved the idea of growing up and being an independent, smart woman with an important job. It's weird looking back and seeing forum posts of me getting mad when people mistook me for a boy online.

When puberty hit I didn't like it. It wasn't a "oh, I hate being a girl" but a "oh, I hate my changes". I loathed bras, loathed the way my chest looked in clothes, hated wearing swimsuits suddenly, etc. I couldn't get along with girls either. They likes talking about boys and clothes, I liked video games and anime. None of the boys wanted to be friends with a girl either so I stayed alone. I didn't realize I was trans until I was 14 or 15. I don't remember how, I just saw it online and got into it.

I told my mom within two years and she let me live as a boy. She never let me go on hormones though because she hated therapists. There was a time when I was 17 or 18 where I didn't feel like I wanted to live as a man, but that went away by age twenty.

>>7002215
>My father came out as a trans woman at 57.
actually didn't see that coming. Im assuming that shes still alive, are you in contact with her? Does she know about you?

>And here I am now. A lot less shy, a bit more confident, and definitely happy again for the first time in a few decades. I've been in a steady relationship for 6 months now. I've got a growing number of friends. Sometimes people still try to be weird, but it has actually become pretty unpopular to do so.
Well im happy for you. Your life is pretty similar to mine if that is any consultation.

>>7002334
>Overall shit's better.
Thats good.

Why'd you choose chemistry?

>>7003019
>actually didn't see that coming. Im assuming that shes still alive, are you in contact with her? Does she know about you?

She is still alive, but she moved off to live her own life at last. She ended up being scammed by a chaser on disability, but she stuck with it cause she determined that she couldn't do better in life. When I first started going out with my boyfriend six months ago, her boyfriend had a problem with him, and got super offensive for legitimately no reason, so I called her out on backing him up and not being more tolerant(because she literally lives in a glass house as far as that shit goes) and she ended up basically blocking me on all social media instead of dealing with the situation. So yeah, I haven't talked to her in that long. I hear she has a major problem with bedbugs right now though, from my one sister that still talks to her of the three I have.

>Well im happy for you. Your life is pretty similar to mine if that is any consultation.

Thanks. Just working my way through the hoops to set up my surgeries I want. Totally no reason it will be a problem, just time consuming and emotionally exhausting.

>>7001710
>was this something that helped your feelings? did you commonly play as a female character ect.?
It was mostly just an escape I think. And something I could do alone since I had no friends for most of my childhood.

The games I played in my childhood werent make your own character games.

Later when I played like Elder Scrolls I played as female characters, but then when I played MMOs in HS I made male characters so my friends wouldn't make fun of me even more. Then I convinced them that it was more hetero cismale to play as a female than male ("hurr hurr im not the gay one youre the one looking at a guy character's butt all day") and started playing as females again.

>where are you from? I was also a southern baptist in my youth, from alabama.
Rural Georgia.

>now when you said you had stopped out of fear, what exactly do you mean? and what caused you to pick it back up?
Sorry I was kinda cut short by the character limit and i didn't want to make multiple posts.

Basically it was a combination of a couple things.
1) Fear of my parents finding out:
I was (and still am, I'm a 5th year in college) dependent on my parents to pay for basically all of my living expenses and college. If they found out and cut me off I would be screwed and might have to drop out
Also, I was just afraid to come out to them in general bc I didn't want to disappoint them, which kinda contributed to it a little
2) I developed a phobia of doing injections:
Estrogen injections are by far the cheapest way to self-med and I couldn't afford to buy estrogen pills AND antiandrogens.
Basically I got to the point where I would get so worked up and then I would almost faint during the injection and that just made it even scarier

But after about a year of depression I eventually just stopped giving a fuck about whatever might happen and started back on estrogen and I wanted it enough that I got over my phobia after trying for a few months and reading how to stop the fainting.

I'm MtF but present soft butch. I had low testosterone as a kid – gynecomastia, little hair, no adam's apple, and was very short growing up, so I was picked on A LOT.

I tried to push my trans identity aside for many years where I fell deep into computer and design related fields. I became an expert and am well known as a designer/technologist in some fields.

After years of self hate, I finally started HRT at 25. I'm now 30 and pass just fine, mostly. I don't wear makeup, keep my hair short and androgynous clothes. I spent thousands on electrolysis over a few years which helped A LOT. Laser never worked for me, my hair is too light.

I co-founded a tech startup a few years ago, we just raised $50 million more in VC funding.

When we IPO or exit I want to help less priviledged trans folks (FtM, MtF, non-binary) get access to education and job opportunities.

>>7002943

Forgot to add I got into men's fashion at the same time puberty hit. I remember at age 11 I knew I wanted to wear a tux to the prom and I refused to ever wear a skirt again.

It's weird because nowadays I prefer skirts over pants. I can't wear them though because men wearing skirts is looked down upon and isn't allowed in most professional areas.

This might be incoherent and gap-filled, real dysphoria hours are hell.

I grew up in the middle of nowhere. No other kids around, my parents didn't believe in television for kids (we still don't have one, 24 years later), until I was about 7 there wasn't even a library in walking distance. This would be the only chance I ever had to be happy, except my parents were (are) super religious. Had to stand for about an hour of daily prayer, and got dragged along for 5 hours of weekend service. The church was an hour and a half away by car. Plenty of relatives' kids there, but I never really got along with them.

I don't think I knew I was trans at that point. My interests wound up pretty masculine - though with no entertainment, running around with sticks was about all there was to do. I don't remember much of this stage so I'll skip forward a bit.

My dad bought a computer when I was about 9 (I remember him watching 9/11 on dialup). We'd moved to an actual town, I spent most of my time reading or biking. There were kids around, but they were pretty mean. I was homeschooled (which I didn't like but looking back I don't think I'd have survived public school). We got a second computer a bit later. I discovered porn and realised people were dimorphic for the first time. I still didn't really grasp it.

Sometime during puberty, I died. This sounds melodramatic, but it's what it felt like. Before that, I could look in the mirror and see myself. Every time someone talked to me, I felt trapped, like they were talking to someone else and I was along for the ride, stuck in a coffin.

We moved again, city this time. I pretty much retracted, wouldn't go outside (parents still forced me to go to church with them, but it was like 15 minutes away now). They thought I was possessed at one point and tried to exorcise, which is when I decided I didn't care for their beliefs. Found out that being trans was a thing (though I thought it was just intersex), didn't think I was, though.

cont.

>>7004093
I mean, of course I wasn't, because if I was I wouldn't be getting body hair, and I should have boobs by now, and I shouldn't sound like a bucket of rocks.

My parents pretty much gave up on me at this point, stopped homeschool, etc. At about 16 I found out hormones were a thing, but I couldn't see ever having money for them (we were dirt-poor this entire time), no education, no job prospects, no way would I have asked parents. At about this point I started ignoring hygiene almost completely (there was a 2-year period before I turned 20 where I didn't shower once), just lost myself in computer games, and that was about it until this year. I don't really remember dysphoria during those years, just a total lack of feelings about anything.

This spring it just hit me. I've been in stressful situations before where I'd be completely fine for weeks and then just break, turn into a motionless fetal thing, and I think the years of suppression did something similar, got to a point where the shell I ignored everything under simply couldn't take it and shattered. I say shattered because it was that sudden, there was no 'I wonder if I'm a girl', it was totally certain. Of course that came with lots of revulsion because this body is awful and damaged. I tried to get HRT legitimately about 6 months ago and they've strung me along ever since, so I started self-medding in August.

I came out to my parents right after the dam broke, which was a mistake (mom called me deluded, dad said I should stop listening to the devil), relations have been strained since, and I feel like I can't do anything visible or they'll kick me out. Starting work in a few weeks and I hope to move out next year.

Hormones let me feel again, which is good and bad, because most of the time I feel awful being stuck as a guy, and I can't put passing efforts in without parents noticing so mostly I feel like killing myself. Don't have the metaphorical balls for it, which is good.

>>7003537
Why the fuck are you here

You're probably in the top 10 most successful 4chan users, and that isn't even an exaggeration.

>>7001738
>Get to go to child psychologist some years later (13)
>Child psychologist lets my mom come with in
>I can't say anything
>I don't get to see child psychologist again

Haha, same thing happened to me years back

>>7003537
I could really use advice from some one like you. I'm starting a year later than you did, but I've made some very poor life decisions in the past and am still not able to fully support myself financially. I'm finally getting life back on track and transitioning I consider part of that, but it's been extremely hard finding a job. Still presenting as a man and afraid to tell employers in interviews that I'm transitioning. It's just so weird.

>>7003048
Cause i like chemical compounds and molecular structures. It's applied chemistry. Lab work.

>>7003537
Empty F here! Less privileged, could use any offer of low pay, web dev work! I have a portfolio, with private repos of proper freelance stuff I did that looks better than my public. git is rasmissi. In school for InfoSec

My story is pretty bland I suppose, the classic discontent with my body and voice, fearing puberty for unknown reasons. At 12 years old I saw a much older trans woman in public with who I can only assume to be her girlfriend or wife. It was like a lightning bolt had struck me, as I realized right there and then that if I didn't do anything that would be my future. I learned all about transition that day thanks to Wiki and tsroadmap. Started self-medding at 15. Many years later I'm "stealth" more or less, and content with myself. Just trying to advance my career and education now.

FtM here
>be me
>pretty regular kid, had no friends though
>blissfully ignorant of gender
>open bathrooms in my preschool so i think boys and girls are the same
>parents just buy me the toys i like
>bout a 50/50 split of masc/femme toys
>reach primary school
>kindergarten is chill, make a bunch of new friends male and female
>kids start talking about girls and boys like they're really different and need to be separated
>stress the FUCK out about this
>start bullying the boys who like pink and girly shit
>get split up from my male friends
>around year 3 i get raped and abused by an older female friend
>try to repress but it doesnt work
>try to keep it hidden but now cant stand girls touching me
>this surfaces as a strange interest in all things sexual
>simulate sex with female friends, pretend to have sex dreams, etc...
>placed in a computing class for years 5 and 6
>find that LOTS of my interests are very masculine
>become closer with the dudes
>never really have that feeling of belonging, since im a girl in the guys group and not just a guy
>become obsessed with stories about girls strapping down their chests and pretending to be dudes
>into high school
>pretty uneventful
>make lots of friends
>but then puberty happens
>tits start to grow
>FUCK
>feel like shit about my flabby gross tits
>"anon its normal to feel self conscious about becoming a woman"
>period starts
>Im obsessed with hiding it from my mother
>eventually stress out and tell her
>i try to repress this
>it actually works for like 2 years
>hit 14
>have a major crush on this dude
>we hit it off
>hes bi
>feel really happy about this for some reason
>he likes me back but i cant see it because of my really shitty self esteem
>also because im a fat sack of shit
>he stops liking me
>stay friends
>couple months later (still like him)
>"anon, im gay"
>this shit hits me like a tonne of bricks
>i feel like shit for a while
>get angry that i cant be someone he would love
>trans feelings start coming back
(1/?)

>>7005674
>ohno.jpg
>start stressing the fuck out
>dysphoria at an all time high
>have break downs all the time about never being able to have a male life
>absolutely reject the idea as disgusting and degenerate
>tell gaybro
>hes fine with it
>absolutely break down
>feel like im impeding on some sort of 'male club'
>feel like im just a fetishist
>other people start realising im trans
>cant tell my parent
>even if i did i couldnt have HRT
>fuck.png
>have to go to a wedding
>parents let me wear a suit
>parents let me buy a binder
>"its just a sports bra"
>freak out about disappointing my father
>this continues for the next four years until im 18
now im 19, still no T but im working on it. Still havent told my parents about it

>>7000260
I am really hoping my surgery will help me out like this too.

File: 1474043206718.jpg (164KB, 960x960px) Image search: [Google]

164KB, 960x960px

>>7007877
Dilation is a motherfucker, but other than that I'm sure you will.

>born male in Russia
>was average kid, no gender problems, had many male friend and never was interested in girls or something girlish
>start being bullied by guys at age 12, bulling lasts till college
>became totally sociophobic, no friends, spend time playing video games, reading books, watching anime
>around age 19 found out about trangenders, did huge researche to find as much information as possible. The idea of sex reassignment seemed interesting, like starting new life or something. Still no doubts Im male and hetero.
>Problems at college, no money, troubles with parents. Feel depressed, tried alcohol and some drugs. Think myself somehow broken, or mentally ill. The idea about being girl always in my mind, like a dream, but I don't fell like I'm girl in man's body. Just want to change myself somehow.
>tried to get girlfriend few times. But it was so awkward, didn't succeed.
>Interested in lesbianism a lot. Watching porn, read yuri manga, playing videogames with woman characters and so on.
>gradually developer body and social dysphoria. Think dicsussed of my body and other mens body
>never was interested in crossdressing, some woman stuff, makeup and so on. Can't figure out who am I, because I don't fit my own criteria of man and woman
>studying feminist and gender theory, find out about non-binary
>for couple years thought I'm agender, it helped a little
>tried to be a cool man, thought it solve my problems somehow. Started own busines, bought a car, go to gym, some extreme sports, martial arts
>it didn't helped. Im 29yo at this point. Mostly feeling fine, but couple times a year desire to be woman is so strong, just want to kill myself.
>eventually started hormones, makes me feel much better
>found some friends in local lgbt community
>found girlfriend, also mtf in transition
>go to psychiatric clinic to get permission for srs (srs is required to change legal gender in Russia)
>failed to get permission, due to poor pass, and not being fulltime.

>>7008439
>doctors said to come again year later, but I feel myself really bad after their transfobia, all those intimate question about my sex life, their totally outdated thougnts on transsexuals.
>came out to my parents. It was terrible, they said Im a shame to the family and they will bever accept me as a daughter. We still don't talk, year passed.
>bought permission for srs, costs me around $500
>came out to colleagues, went fulltime. It was couple month ago. Mostly went fine, on the surface everyone accepted me as woman.
>still have male ID, gives me lot of troubles, feel slightly depressed all the times need to go somethere if need to show any documents
>planning srs soon, in a week maybe. All the surgeons in my city are jerks, transphobic or mysoginists, but Im so tired of worrying about my legal status, just want this all to end as sson as possible

>>7002876

Don't acknowledge you were being an accidental dick just to start being a blatant asshole, jesus christ.