/lgbt/, will you ever feel as alone and confused about the world

>>6744196
I don't know if I'm asexual or not. I'm a male. The first time I masturbated I was 16 and I did it because I'd been hearing about it for years and years and wanted to know what the fuss was. I liked how it made me feel. I masturbated to a profile picture of a girl on Facebook, but it was just an image of her face. Since then I started to masturbate regularly, but I hardly ever watch porn. I do feel arousal for women but it's never enough that I want to pursue sex or think it would be rewarding. I had a girlfriend and I couldn't get it up the first time we tried to have sex. It didn't really faze me until she got incredibly upset about it later that night, making me feel rather useless. She had bipolar disorder and was generally very abusive, perhaps sexually. I felt pressured to fuck her, as if it were a necessity for our relationship, and I stopped masturbating for two weeks and finally fucked her twice. It felt good because of the romantic implications, and I even cried, but physically I didn't think it was anything to particularly write home about. I much preferred how I felt afterwards when contemplating it alone. I liked the power and the rush. After that night I still had trouble getting it up, occasionally being able to. Thinking about the act made me incredibly anxious. I'd make up excuses so as to not have to go to her house. It made her go nuts. I left her but for a long time I felt emasculated, as if there were something very wrong with me, physically or something, maybe it was that I have an anxiety disorder. I made friends with someone who is deep into LGBTQIA and through her suggestions that I might be asexual I started thinking more about it. As of now I am conflicted. But I do know that right now the thought of actually having sex makes me anxious and sick, but I masturbate regularly. I think for me it's more of a bodily necessity and I like the thought of how textures feel sensually and that's what I get off of. (1/2)

>>6744385
I still fantasize about people and check people out though. That's why I don't know. But if I were ever in a situation where I could have sex I'd turn it down. It's a prospect that to me has humiliating, boring, and sometimes sickening implications. I don't know. I'm not aromantic and a currently have a girlfriend. The thing is though that she's incredibly traditional and we've been dating for over a year and she won't even let me kiss with tongue. I'm hoping she might be asexual, actually.

Sorry for the long post. I've just never gotten this off of my chest. I've never even been on this board before. I don't know the rules so sorry if I've been an idiot. Thanks for being here.

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>>6744385
>>6744404
this is the longest thing i've ever read on 4chan

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>>6744385
tl;dr

>>6744404
Good post, thanks for sharing. My brother is sort of a similar way, and he identifies as asexueal.

I think he's a dirty closeted agp tranny like myself though