>survivalist guide >advises keeping a P290 in your tactical

"play stupid games win stupid prizes"
"stupid people do stupid things"
"dumb people buy dumber things"

>>33295461
>Universal handcuff key
>Kevlar shoelaces
Brought to you by Sig and Microtech!

File: unknown.png (222KB, 766x651px) Image search: [Google]

222KB, 766x651px

You should also tape a razor blade to your back, right against your skin. You know, so it can cut your back while you move around.

File: unknown.png (126KB, 436x516px) Image search: [Google]

126KB, 436x516px

You should also take a tampon applicator, fill it with tools and shove it up your ass. You know, as a daily safety measure.

>>33295501
that's actually kinda smart if you're gonna be detained and stripped.. you know, except for the handcuff key shaped bulge.

>>33295519
yeah, i think if circumstances are so bad that i have to pack my asshole... 5 bucks isn't gonna fix the situation.

File: jiLDddz.png (294KB, 602x942px) Image search: [Google]

294KB, 602x942px

If you don't want to just use a tampon applicator, here's how to build your own rectal concealment device. Complete with protruding nail to scratch your asshole with while bugging out!

File: unknown.png (252KB, 935x557px) Image search: [Google]

252KB, 935x557px

If you find yourself in an unexpected firefight, you will surely have time to gather books, ceramic tiles and tape!

>>33295616
That's more plausible than the Gecko45 guy who had the idea of duct taping plates to his back and being a shield for his wife who had a single shot .300 Win Mag.

File: unknown.png (378KB, 682x771px) Image search: [Google]

378KB, 682x771px

This looks like a prime candidate for memeinfication

File: unknown.png (173KB, 713x558px) Image search: [Google]

173KB, 713x558px

If you're under attack, make an improvised barricade with the length of rebar you carry in your asshole just for this purpose!

File: Really makes you think.jpg (9KB, 85x63px) Image search: [Google]

9KB, 85x63px

>>33295671
>Star of David in the top right
>Muslims in the bottom right
>/Pol/ is on the bottom left
Every fucking time.

File: unknown.png (101KB, 400x384px) Image search: [Google]

101KB, 400x384px

To prepare for a car accident, duct tape a fucking razor blade to your seatbelt, so it can get damaged during impact and/or slash your face open

>>33295757
>use seat belt at all times

Finally something actually useful

>>33295616
More like a situation where the enemy is coming but you have a little time to prepare. Like when you're asking a girl out and you spill you're spaghetti and it escalates into a hostage situation. You'll have a good amount of time before SWAT gets there.

>>33295660
Wut?

>>33295461
>>33295501
>>33295757
what's with all the razorblades? were these written by someone who liked to cut in high school

>>33295796
http://lonelymachines.org/mall-ninjas/

Plan A is to take multiple .338 hits to the back, among other gems.

File: 2017-03-14_00-51-57.png (36KB, 346x182px) Image search: [Google]

36KB, 346x182px

>use pocket lint

It's not a meme anymore lads

>>33295806
>Survival tip #547: when get rejected by Suzy at school and the you come home to your calling you a faggot because he found your Emo-zine you can always use a razor blade to make small incisions on your arms and legs to trick your body into releasing dopamine. Remember you may not be in control of what happens on the outside but at least you can control your body.

File: walrus-04.jpg (73KB, 591x394px) Image search: [Google]

73KB, 591x394px

>>33295461
what the fuck is the sauce on this garbage?

File: 2017-03-14_00-54-31.png (51KB, 344x226px) Image search: [Google]

51KB, 344x226px

I don't even know how to comment this. What the fuck is his skin made of?

>>33295875

tactically dehydrate yourself first

>>33295818
Origin of the term mall ninja iirc

>>33295671
is that reagan

>>33295461
>microtech™ brand microtech knife in pocket

This reads like some COD kiddie writing

File: 2017-03-14_00-56-11.png (342KB, 681x821px) Image search: [Google]

342KB, 681x821px

Because if you need to pick a lock you certainly have the time and free to slowly file away a key of the requisite shape

>>33295501
>>33295519
>he doesn't already do this

>>33295757
ok
i literally dont know what did he mean by this
for what purpose?

Are these drawn by the same people who draw the 40k uplifting primer?

File: 2017-03-14_01-01-17.png (450KB, 685x797px) Image search: [Google]

450KB, 685x797px

Did you know? Tails is not an operating system, it's an app. Just download it.

File: 2017-03-14_01-03-50.png (70KB, 340x396px) Image search: [Google]

70KB, 340x396px

Remember to select a knife with no guard and hold it in such a way as to slip through your fingers if you stab anything.

>>33295918
It's in case the seatbelt buckle is jammed or you can't reach it. Not very likely but still possible. There are purpose-made seatbelt cutters that are safer than taping a fucking razor blade to the belt.

File: 2017-03-14_01-05-26.png (245KB, 680x607px) Image search: [Google]

245KB, 680x607px

Why buy a 50k volt tazer? just use a 380 disposable camera capacitor

File: 2017-03-14_01-07-47.png (341KB, 686x890px) Image search: [Google]

341KB, 686x890px

Turn your mugging into your murder!

>>33295900
It's a Reagan clone, the CIA made like twenty of them in the 80s as a decoy for the President. However by the time they finished their training Bush Sr. was in office and the project was scrapped in favor of a fitted power armor suit. Officially the clones were to be destroyed but agents who were assigned to euthanize them found them too adorable and folksy to carry out the order. Ideas were thrown around on how to get rid of the Regan clones, including making Mark Chapman clones, but they finally settled on a cheap solution of having clones kill each other with the promise that the winner would bed Nancy Regan. The twenty regular clones and three freak clones would be released in different parts of the world. Each of them would then have to hunt down the others and the victor would return with the right ears of the defeated as proof of kill in order to claim his prize.

File: 2017-03-14_01-08-46.png (264KB, 683x530px) Image search: [Google]

264KB, 683x530px

Run in a zig-zag pattern, like real Navy SEALs!

>>33295967
What does it do IRL

>>33296018
wikihow tier garbage

>>33296075
it's a Tor browser

File: 2017-03-14_01-10-23.png (407KB, 682x937px) Image search: [Google]

407KB, 682x937px

Did you know? gas masks don't need a fucking seal to keep the gas out, just a little bit of sponge in front of your mouth.

>>33295707
tons of rebar in war torn countries m8

File: 1447098389633.jpg (21KB, 198x223px) Image search: [Google]

21KB, 198x223px

I wish I had cashed in on this survival/SHTF craze like 10 years ago when it started. I could be rich. They all seem to boil down to:
>have a gun
>here's how to start a fire
>here's how to filter water
>here's how to set up a tent
>here's how to identify berries

And that's basically it. I've never purchased a survival guide because 99% of them are just common sense.

So, who does buy them? I know no man who grew up in the country would waste his money on that shit because it's the same shit he's been taught since he was a kid. Is it a bunch of limp-wristed cityfolk buying this shit so they can feel like outdoorsmen?

>>33296104
Who writes this shit?

File: 2017-03-14_01-12-40.png (205KB, 682x453px) Image search: [Google]

205KB, 682x453px

Was he instructing us to fight the upcoming holy war against the Muslims all along? is that was this book is about?

>>33296127

congratulations you've learned to think critically anon

I feel like watching episode of Macgyver...

>>33296104
I mean it'd be better than nothing, but that's not saying much.

File: 2017-03-14_01-16-44.png (145KB, 418x348px) Image search: [Google]

145KB, 418x348px

>light disguise
>mask and huge sunglasses

>>33296104
holy fucking shit. Isn't stuff like this illegal? I mean this could result in some retard making one of these to try to deal with some kind of gas leak at home and ending seriously fucked up

File: 2017-03-14_01-18-15.png (72KB, 337x265px) Image search: [Google]

72KB, 337x265px

Your target, whose fingerprint opens some important secure system, will surely not notice or object to you rolling putting on his fingers

>>33295671
Is that loss?

File: 2017-03-14_01-20-02.png (103KB, 348x448px) Image search: [Google]

103KB, 348x448px

Finally a prep for which every anon is ready

>>33296127
Cities. They sell like fucking hotcakes, man. You set up survival shit in the inner cities, and you get everyone from the city itself AND the outlying infill houses. It's fucking incredible, the first lesson in one near me is how to cut down a tree. What fucking man doesn't know how to use an axe? Literally point and chop.

File: 2017-03-14_01-21-26.png (95KB, 344x433px) Image search: [Google]

95KB, 344x433px

a) jet fuel is going to melt the fucking canister you retard

b) where the fuck am I supposed to buy JET FUCKING FUEL, MY FUCKING LOCAL AIRBASE? 'HEY, CAN I HAVE SOME JET FUEL, I NEED TO GET RID OF A CORPSE'

>>33296237
Use a steel drum duh.

>>33296237
>where the fuck am I supposed to buy JET FUCKING FUEL, MY FUCKING LOCAL AIRBASE?
Yeah any airport that supports private flying probably has a fuel service. It's not impossible to get, just difficult and they'd be pretty suspicious.

>>33296237
Jet fuel can't melt steel canisters

>>33296237
Amazon sells kerosene.

>>33296237
Jet fuel can't melt steal drums you mong.

>>33296237
But, survival guide, jet fuel can't melt femurs.

>>33296330
Be sure to install Tails first though so they can't track you.

>>33295904
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVPSaKLKHd4

It's not the same technique but plausible scenarios in which one has plenty of time to form a key without arousing suspicion are possible. These Wal Mart """"Survival Guides"""" are still trash though.

>>33296047
When your other option is "comply and hope he doesn't just kill you afterwards, because he's probably a coked-out nigger", this isn't bad advice. Yes, you could get shot. You could also get shot after the nigger takes your wallet, because he doesn't care about your life. One option at least gives you a chance to attain the upper hand, if you're quick enough and bold enough.

>>33296070
>run in a zig-zag pattern
>image clearly states "move from cover to cover", diagramming how to do so while still advancing in a single direction

I can't even take the guys who know their shit seriously when there are pansies and retards like this trying and failing to support them.

>>33296237
Jet fuel, kerosene, and diesel are more or less the same thing.

>>33295904
Why not just pick the lock? Sure this means you have a key, but when would you be reusing a lock anyway?

>>33296052
Severely underrated.

>>33296047
But how do you stop the attacker from taking the gun back with the same technique?

>>33296434
You don't you just, stall them by swapping hands for long enough for someone to notice and call the cops.

>>33296434
>repeatedly taking the gun from each other
Would that be called a jewish standoff?

>>33296434
You shoot them, like they should have done to you instead of simply settling for threatening you.

I suspect most of the people who buy these ridiculous shit are just hipsters. See: Art of Manliness dot com, (which is actually run by a woman!), where you get guides how to get in touch with your estranged masculinity. Betacucks are so goddamn pathetic they've resorted to ~looking~ like a man with the lumberjack look, and having to consult guides on everything, up to and including ridiculous situations that pretty much won't happen at all.

And I mean everything, from how to dress, how to pick a belt, how to chop a tree, how to use power tools, just everything stereotypically associated as "manly"

>>33295875
If you have the key and pencil already why don't you just trace around the fuckin key instead

>>33296167

Lol typical redneck /k/ retards who've never once been outside the midwest.

In third world countries those masks are very common especially in Asian countries

>>33296434

By shooting him.

>>33296456
>Jewish Standoff
My sides have left this dimension.

>>33296395
Better option than trying to take a gun from someone like Jackie Chan: Run the fuck away. Proven effective!

>>33296075
operating system you can run from a dvd or usb, doesn't change anything else or leave any traces on your the computer or interact with your normal operating system (windows or mac), put all your internet activities through tor which is basically an anonymous proxy, and has some additional security software

>>33296434
Create distance. If someone's holding a gun on you at arm's length, it can be taken. If they're 10 yards away, you're probably fucked.

>>33296528
>In third world countries those masks are very common especially in Asian countries
This was clearly made for Americans, by Americans.

>>33296237
jet fuel cant melt steel memes

>>33296469
Can't really blame them when most guys never had a real father teach them all the shit he should have.

>>33296619
>Run the fuck away.
>get shot in the back

>comply and stand
>maybe get shot

>comply and run
>maybe get shot in the back

>attempt resistance
>maybe get shot, maybe gain upper hand

I'm a betting man. I play the odds. Three of these scenarios have no favorable outcome. One does, but it looks like a more dangerous option than the others. It isn't, but it LOOKS like it is.

>>33296528
what the fuck are you talking about

fuck off

>>33296709
"run the fuck away" should also be a maybe get shot tbqh

>>33296836
You gotta run in a zig-zag pattern, anon. Only way to break LOS on a guy right up in your face like that.

But seriously, you're right. It's all "maybe" in the end. I just know which "maybe" I'd rather bet on.

>>33296340
But if jet fuel can't melt steel then ghat means.....

>>33296167
fabric mask is fairly common in a city with large streets, very common if youre in a city and are an older asian

>>33295550
>>33295519
>money

And people always look at me weird when I mention you should probably wash your hands after touching money at work. Lord knows how many of those ones have been in some 3rd string stripper's asscrack.

>>33296519
Why even trace the key

File: 10yearsinpaint.png (266KB, 682x771px) Image search: [Google]

266KB, 682x771px

>>33295671
dont know what to do with it

>>33295519
Wouldn't it get stuck?
I've been on /k/ long enough to know just how easy it is to get things stuck in your ass.

>>33297257
I missed that thread, archive linkie lease

>>33296469
Back to Returnofkings with you sonny.

>>33296434
you begin gun-kata
https://youtu.be/LqQJOr4Rx5k?t=26

File: Y7c0x4f.jpg (9KB, 480x330px) Image search: [Google]

9KB, 480x330px

>>33297399
holy shit thats dumb

>>33296176
Why would you willingly advocate for more legislation like that anon.

>>33296197
oh fuck

he's so ahead of his time.

>>33297157
I like the subtlety of this one.

>>33295461
>razorblade in shoe
>>33295501
>razorblade against bare back
>>33295757
>razorblade in the seatbelt. near your fucking neck

does anyone else think this could be a nasty safety hazard?

>>33295461
>kevlar shoelaces

If I had a fedora I'd be tipping it now.

>>33296528
>very common in asian countries.
no, I saw them on like 1 in every 50-70 people in china. They were rather uncommon.

>>33296401
why couldnt it say that then? why jet fuel?

>>33295461
>Panerai watch

Is there a particular reason they recommend a $5000 brand watch? Seems to me like a way to get robbed more than anything.

>>33295660
Gecko45 is a hero and a true /k/ommando

>>33297644
Jet fuel has higher memetic content

name of book please?

>>33297624
I have never seen them on a person in public. 1/50 is very common compared to never.

>>33296211
finally, something I actually own...
at my fucking desk not in my back pocket

>>33296018
this doesnt work
it hurts a bit but its not nearly as effective as an actual taser

>>33295904
are these made for hobos with no fucking money? just buy a fucking pick gun if you want to get in so bad

>>33296869
>>33296836
>>33296709
>>33296047
>>33296395

combatives instructor here. trying one of these bullshit disarms will get you shot.

use your left hand to slap the weapon off line, while simultaneously swinging your body right and into a full power strike into the jaw line or side of neck.

if you're in good shape, and work the heavy bag from time to time, you'll be able to knock the weapon away while hitting him faster than he can react. you're highly likely to score a knockout, but even if he's still standing you've got a prime opportunity to run or continue the fight.

>>33297601
>yfw realizing it's a CIA plant to encourage reckless behavior that leads to infant deaths, and is part of their global population control scheme.

>>33297675
100 Deadly Skills. It's a novelty at best and the autists on /k/ love to take nonsense literally.

>>33297624
1 in 50 people is pretty god damn common, you sperg. I live in Vegas and you can see hundreds of masks like this on the strip every damn hour.

>>33297648
The author has a stake in some of the stuff he pimps.

Source is 100 Deadly Skills by Clint Emerson.

File: 1487267723615.jpg (39KB, 641x491px) Image search: [Google]

39KB, 641x491px

>>33295616
>tiles=ceramic armor
gee wiz what a fun read

>>33295461
I really just came to say >>33297601

Like, the others are dumb enough, but how in the fuck could anyone who's ever walked, let alone ran, think the first's at all a good idea? Congratulations, constant, unhealed ankle/calf wounds.

>>33297622
You'd think they'd have at least done the Paracord meme.

>>33295904
>>33296423
>>33297770

Bump filing is actually a great skill. It's not meant for quick escape things, but more of a multi day thing.

It's great for say if you want to get somewhere in your office, another office, or a server room/ data storage/ file room etc
but can only walk by on your bathroom break.

>Pick the lock
>Pick gun

Other than these being extremely obvious, not everyone is a locksmith or BB, so this is nice for more covertly picking a lock.

>>33298523
2bh it's more practical than attempting to use packing tape and a molle vest to turn a mug collection into improvised armor.

File: P290RS.jpg (335KB, 1024x768px) Image search: [Google]

335KB, 1024x768px

>>33295461
>>advises keeping a P290 in your tactical underwear, pointed at your dick
It is a DAO pistol with a long and heavy trigger pull and a drop/hammer safety. It ain't going off unless you pull the trigger. Plus you can ride the hammer while holstering it so you'd feel it if an obstruction (your boner/pencil) got caught in the trigger guard.

File: 1489212280423.jpg (35KB, 960x703px) Image search: [Google]

35KB, 960x703px

>>33295461

>Thunderwear

File: 1420597503074.png (330KB, 790x448px) Image search: [Google]

330KB, 790x448px

What the fuck did I just look at

>>33296018
We use to throw charged capacitors from disposable camera at people in electronic principals class. They catch them not knowing what it was and shock themselves, funny but not dangerous

>>33296127
Back when 2012 was still a thing,I made close to $10,000 teaching "survival" classes to city retards.All I did was show them how to make a tarp tent, build a fire using matches, and how to sharpen a knife. There were a few other small things, but that was mainly it.

>>33296193
Just cut the finger off.

>>33297851
You're not wrong, except for your apparent disregard of joint-locks and joint manipulation. It's much easier to hit somebody with a hard strike than it is to take his gun, but then he still has his gun.

It's going to be the old chink fighting versus irish fighting all over again. Chinks would risk removing themselves from the line-of-fire and taking the gun. Potatoheads would just slap the gun away and deck the nigger, hoping to hit hard enough to drop him in one shot.

>>33296709
That's why you serpentine like a Navy SEAL

>>33298855
I actually like thunderwear. Allows me to carry without autistically tailoring my wardrobe to my pistol, but I wear it off center appendix carry, cause my dick is kind of big.

>>33296193
The trick is to knock him out first with a Patented™ Elbow Strike to the jaw.