ITT: we suggest home improvements and other ways to piss

>>33280616
A tarantula

Hanging dildos

>>33280616
Lexan windows and steel doors reinforced at the frames should be enough for a few keks.

>>33280616
ants and make sure to have a fireant hill underneath a trapfloor that has a hidden beartrap that way when one falls in the victim will get strapped eith the beartrap and the victim will be overwhelm with fireants.

>>33280616
Punji trap under welcome mat.

A fake front doors.

>>33280616
Matchbox cars right inside the door

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>>33280616

Door-activated blowtorch...

Recreational nuke wired to the front door.

>>33280653

Meh..Hot Wheels is much economically cheaper..

fish hooks hanging from ceiling

>>33280616
I have 3m film over my windows, so that should stop things being thrown in through the windows. My doors are steel framed. Supposed to be very difficult to kick in, not sure how they would stand against a big ram though. It would take at least a few good hits though, since my locks are spread out fairly well. This would give me time to react before being killed.

I have a coffee table that is always in the way, if I had enough time I guess I could throw oil or something on the hardwood for slip hazard. After that its my guns against theirs. Most likely they would give up quickly and just burn my house down.

>>33280616

Doors hinged at the knob side.

Doors opening to a wall.

A room where all furniture are nailed at the ceiling.

A looping hallway.

A false bathroom full of water up to the ceiling, and fishes swim about in it.

IR flood lamps.

>>33280678
That's fucking evil.
>bead curtains made of fish hooks all down your hallway, rolled ready to deploy

>>33280616
Mustard gas in mason jars on the tops of every door

>>33280616
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p-iR2qXq9Rw

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>>33280663

>>33280728
good way to get your front door (and corridor) C4'd the fuck out

>>33280626
Ten tarantulas

>>33280749
Cops don't get to play with explosives son.

>>33280770
Swat teams don't use breaching charges?

>>33280782
Not any I've seen

>>33280616
Super strong doors all of which make these sound effect when hit.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IX__swbUwag

>>33280756
5 Special Tarantula Units with Special Missions Air Support

>>33280824
2 Green Beret tarantulas that train 1500 camel spiders how to fight, then turn on them 15 years later.

>>33280651
This would be hillarious

>Hit "door"
>It's bricks

>>33280770
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8nh2QCdvxSI

>>33280930
Those are Russian special operations teams, how do they relate to American police?

>>33280616
What ever this door is
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ET9SNXpeORY

>>33280950
They are cops!

just this week in michigan someones home got raided for weed, and they had 8x4 plywood sheets with nails all over the place. a LEO jumped the fence and stuck both his feet in, but there was no law about it so for that the booby trapper got no charges

>>33280657

If they're CIA they'll be obligated to get the hothead out of the AO, taking up more of their men's time. It's like shooting to wound

>>33280713

> Your dad taught you how to make switches using clothes pins and mousetraps when you were a young child

> As an adult you sometimes think about why he did that

>>33280848
500 Special Forces Tarantulas with Stryker and Ant Support

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>>33281011
>>33281011
>>33281011
>>33281011

>>33280995
Not illegal to have a shittily maintained backyard if there's no immediate health hazards to anyone logically in the way and there's no HOA

As long as you keep your story straight though

>>33280927
KEK

Replace every door in the house with fake doors, demolish all stairs, spread slippery substance all over the flor, place barbed wire and saw every where

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A cage behind the front door that has to be opened seperately.

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>>33280770

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>>33280616
A couple thousand marbles and a 55 gallon drum of lube poured over it all.

https://www.amazon.com/Passion-Lubes-Natural-Water-Based-Lubricant/dp/B005MR3IVO?th=1

A sensor that creates noise upstairs when they enter the house, to lure them up, then another sensor that sets off a chemical cocktail of rapidly expanding firefighting foam on the ground floor once they get up the stairs.

NO ESCAPE!

>>33281318
kek

>>33280616
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AnslSas5ZOQ
on all entrances with steel frames embedded in concrete walls. Go get some det cord or a bulldozer, that's only way they getting in.

>>33281489
What the fuck is the music in this video

>>33281086
12 gorilla fighters (huntsman spiders)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxbsV8QWGic

>>33281489
>Go get some det cord or a bulldozer, that's only way they getting in.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHdMoqSi9a4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IGgzTPgoTmQ

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>>33280651
REAL FAKE DOORS?

>>33280651
>breach team rams fake door
>wall of dragon dildos

>>33280616
Trapdoor in the floor below a fake door which actually turns out to be a real door when they start to look elsewhere

>>33281543
1000 bullet ants

Front door gated entryway that shuts and locks when front door is forced. Indoor beehive just behind front door in it's own sealed entryway.

Bees. Thousands of angry bees. Plus free honey.

After the survivors without bee allergies who are now coated up to the knees in honey breach the second door they hear the theme song from Winnie the Pooh start up. At 1:06 into the song after the line, but most of all winnie the pooh, release the bath salted brown bear.

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>>33280631

house should be a done.

the exterior doors only lead to a central common area. where there are only doors that open towards the common area.

each room has a closet with a attic access panel. allowing for people to escape their room for another anywhere else in the house.

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Front door with an iron gated entryway behind it, except the front door can be hidden behind a fake door with a brick wall behind it which can be moved into/out of place with a button. AND in front of this fake door is a trap door through which they fall into a sewage/sump tank with mutated geckos and lobsters.

There should be a 2nd door for them to find, which also turns out to be fake and which also has a trap door but this one leads to a pit of death except instead of spikes and water it is dildos and lube, and instead of darkness and stone walls it is lubed blue sheet material, pshychedelic lighting and with speakers in the ceiling playing "girls just want to have fun" on loop.

Once they have rescued their colleagues they will probably try and blow a hole in a wall, so therefore the House should be built with a double layer of brick or out of solid stone and/or has reinforced concrete and/or sheet metal concealed beneath the outer layer.

They will probably move towards a bulldozer or some such so have tank traps lining the front garden so they cant get anything big through, if possible, if not then well...

They might, go for windows before that so you need ground floor slit/ narrow windows with stone or steel frames such that they either cant get through , cant blow it up or cant fit through.

They may try and use a ladder to go for the upper floors so use steel framed windows and if you are really keen more slit windows.

So they are now very very pissed off and will try the roof, they can smash tiles in and break through the roof with axes and sledgehammers given time, therefore you either need to do something fucked up to your attic space such as filling it with water full of electric eels (provided you waterproof the room and reinforce the floor), or just fill it with barbed wire and barbed dildos and live cattle prods and shit

>>33281855
>fall into pit trap
>ride dildos and listen to choons until your buddies pull you out or you become some neet's sex slave
W-what a nightmare, right?

>>33280782
Most SWAT teams "raid" poker games and private clubs like the Moose or Eagles lodges.

>>33281901
They need to calm down after being chased through poo by a two headed 3ft long lizard

mist sprayers behind all the exterior doors that spray lsd.

>>33281855
Barbed dildos?

>>33281663
400,000 ants with bullets.

>>33280616
Barbed wire, field fence, barred windows, bricked off doors, fish hooks hanging in trees.

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>>33280740

Holes on both sides of door, basically a bridge in front of door so that they have to stack in line.

>>33280616
>make fake door out of paper mache behind thin layer of what appears to be real door
>fill in new paper mache door with baby oil and dildos
>get in door with oil and dildos
>entry team starts breaking in door, flimsy paper mache gives way
>spill out onto entry teams feet in wave of baby oil and dildos, begin flopping around like a fish out of water
>now they have to catch a well oiled fully aroused adult armed with a cache of slippery dildos
>bring them to justice with quick slaps of the dildos
>they were not prepared for this pinata party, but they released this demon from his realm, they must pay dearly for unleashing this upon the world
>women are cradling their children in the streets cursing god for allowing this to happen
>my dildos of justice silence their wails
>finally brought down in a hail of bullets as the number of casualties is reaching historic numbers
>with my last breath i take my last breath...
>what i have done needs no words, i slip away into sweet nothingness
>get a wikipedia page, go down in infamy as the villain behind the pinata massacre

one room covered in epoxy, next room covered in the hardener, next room covered in neon shag pile carpet

>>33282720
Noice.

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>>33282711

>>33280651
This is a concept I'm considering doing. Having one mailbox for mail and packages then just a few front doors with one real door and a few back doors to confuse people.

>>33280651

Depending on your house layout you could do this anyway. Take our house.

>front door goes into the living room with a little front porch
>back door goes into the kitchen
>third door for laundry room
>fourth door is a sun room

The only door we ever use is the backdoor to the kitchen. Could seal up the front door and nobody on the outside would ever know. Set cameras up and motion sensors so if a mailman comes, you can just go out a sidedoor to meet 'em

>>33281058

I had a book as a kid that taught me how to make all kinds of gadgets and gizmos.

Now that I think about it, that book was a very naughty encouragement on my adult life.

>>33280651
Build walls all around your house, have doors and fake doors installed in every room, have a system set up to where the doors automatically close after a certain amount of time, build a doorway in front of your stairs, have a cage that you have to unlock to get up the stairs, have the upstairs be your living area and don't lock your doors but keep all your personal items up stairs and any person who tries to break into your house to steal from you would probably be trying to escape after their first 20 minutes inside.

>>33282904
what's the name?

>>33280616

Just live underground and have a house that serves just as a decoy.

>>33281466
You can walk through firefighting foam, which is intentional.

The new fire suppression system at the AF maintenance hangar I was in charge of fired twice by accident. It was pretty funny. Company reloaded the foam after fixing it (again) and I got many nice plastic barrels.

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>>33280930

>>33281538
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBgQ5ZiphUs
I like patsy cline. Then again I like that real dreamy fifties crap about being happy and at peace or some shit. I don't know why, just kinda feels different when I listen to it.

>>33283039
This happened in the UK you fucking sperg lord

>>33282131
this is getting out of hand

Take the numbers off your house.
If that fails, take the numbers off your neighbors house.

>>33280649
A Punji trap made of dragon dildos

>>33283151
>4 digit house numbers
>Police in grey BDUs
>Police with AR15s
>Humvee
sure

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>>33281538
Its turkroach """music"""

>>33283033
The underground house's entrance should be at minimum a quarter mile away and look like a utility company box.

>>33283151
Nice try fag, that car's left hand drive.

>>33280616
Rent the house to a lawyer.

>>33280616
Hang hundreds of sticky fly traps from the ceiling.
Cover the floor in glue traps.

>>33280616

Make it so the only way in is from a second story entrance. No windows or any thing on the first floor except for the fake entrance like >>33280651 said. Infact, the entire bottom floor is nothing but solid brick, so they can't just ram your building with a APC.

On the 2nd floor there will be no balcony or any thing to stand on, so you gotta climb a ladder to get to the door.

Have enough trees all around my house, that way they can't drive any thing into the yard, so they're forced even more to take the ladder.

Also make the roofs so steep, that they cant stand on top of it (Also grease the roof too)

To top it off, this is just my decoy house. The house I'm staying at is actually across the street. So I can watch and Kek at them.

ya know that old prank where you open a door and a cup of water falls on you? basically that, but its a 5 gallon bucket. and instead of water its either gasoline or hydroflouric acid

>>33280770
Law enforcement overstep their bounds all the time. If they don't, then it won't take long before the appropriate authorities DO use explosives.

This thread is about annoying those breaching. That is all it is. It's buying time and irritating law enforcement. They're not going to give up just because you have reinforced doors, they're going to bust down your walls and set fire to the building if they have to.

>>33283355

Or dragon dildos. For non lethal of course.

>>33283153
Hand full of spiders

>>33281746
fucking kek

Completly fill the house with concrete
Literally unbreachable.

>>33283399
>non lethal
well you dont have to actually light the gasoline. thats the beauty of it. imagine breaching a door, and you are instantly soaked with gasoline. you would nope the fuck out of there

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>>33280678
That's brutal

>>33282092
>open door
>barbed dildos coat the floor
>everybody walk the dinosaur

>>33283006
/thread

>>33283442
2 handfuls of spiders

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>>33280616

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>>33280770
Oh really?

>>33280616

>one demon protecting living room
>personal tulpas protecting stairs and kitchen
>ghost girl protecting the bathroom
>succubus disguised like me in the bedroom
>me hiding in the basement summoning another demon

if I am going to hell, I take them all with me, if they bring a tactical priest I am fucked though.

>>33281058
Because he loved you and wanted you to be prepared for anything life might throw at you, anon?

>>33280616
Use strong UV ceiling lights and and have bright circles of strong green LEDs around the the ceiling lamps ring to a lighting rig. Block out the windows and only use one door in and out with a couple spider trap tunnels and a good amount of fire escape ladders for last resort

How about hornets?

>>33281909
This is bullshit.

Swat team activities are dominated by serving high risk search warrents related for drug investigations, which are mostly planned in advance. The most common unplanned "rapid response" type call out, by a wide margin, is domestic conflict turned baricade. More often than not, also drug related.

A third , depending on the city, would be high risk security for vip events or soft terrorism targets. Obviously more common in very large cities and during election season.

>>33280713
genius

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>>33282711
My sides have passed Neptune

>>33280616
Another door

floors behind every exterior door are hinged. they tilt down and open a path to the basement. unauthorized entry causes the floors to unlatch so they can tilt. a system also squirts Bad Dragon Cum Lube all over the floor.

team breaches the door and triggers the system. they go in fast and they all slip into the basement.

>>33280728
Oh Jesus Christ! The old man in wife beater t-shirt opening the door... my sides!

>>33283325
>Infact, the entire bottom floor is nothing but solid brick, so they can't just ram your building with a APC.

Man, Just imagine explaining this to a contractor:

>okay man, so the ENTIRE bottom floor is just brick. I'm talking 1000 sq feet of solid brick
>dude, you fuckin' dserious
>yeah man, just imagine if some cops try to serve a warrant on me and get through my fake door only to find the whole bottom floor of my house is brick

>>33281933
Unfortunately it takes about 20min to start really tripping on LSD

>>33280728
fucking morons don't realize modern doors have 4 or more steel pistons holding the door shut when it's locked

>>33280616

literally this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0jS2j97wEGY

>>33281318
>it's me bren gun

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>Entry team breaches.
>no contact.
>Candles everywhere.
>wtf.jpg
>1st floor clear.
>start to clear 2nd story.
>hear something sloshing.
>above 4 55gal drums activate.
>house floods with foam.
>team is trapped.
>foam ignites.
>listen to the screams as they burn to death.

>>33283151
It happened in south Anchorage AK, USA. Source, I live there.

>>33285997
secret stairway to the second floor in the chimney.

>>33286636
What the fuck is that??

>>33286636
>TETSUOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

>>33280616

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0w6L93kD3xw

Rakes all over the floors. Rakes and lego bricks.

If I were that paranoid I'd sleep in an underground panic room with an enclosed ventilation system and hit intruders with mass produced and stored chlorine gas stockpiled as a hedge against the coming mass unrest.

However I am not a crazy person.

>>33280616
>Mirrors everywhere, lining the walls and standing up in the middle of rooms
>2x4's nailed to the floor that match the carpet, other trip hazards
>Stuff hanging low from the ceiling, wires would be the most freaky because I ain't gettin 'lecrocuted
>Fog machine, in fact I think this is the simplest way to get a team to pull out
>Something that looks like a meth lab, open chemical containers and lab equipment on the stove, we have to pull out and dawn specialized PPE

Best way honestly is don't be a shithead that gets his house raided

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>>33280616
>doors that open up into hallways that get progressively get smaller and smaller
>hallways are filled with fly traps and strips of shag carpet
>upon crawling through you are met with a giant ball/dildo pit
>the floor has hidden trap doors that lead you rooms that are like that carnival ride where the room just spins you around in a perpetual circle
>halls of mirrors, those stupid halloween things that make noise when you walk buy them
>dozens of closets for the entry team to clear
>some have a sex dolls pegging each other
>some are filled with flour or glitter
>strobe lights everywhere with powerful subwoofers/speakers built into the walls blaring the teletubbies intro on max volume
>floors covered in marbles, mouse traps, and legos
>steep and narrow stair cases that turn into slides (dildos sticking out of walls naturally)
>squad of Chihuahuas in shitty halloween costumes, just to bark and nip at their heels
>And finally if they actually get to where i'm hiding at the very end of my hellish maze....
>I'll be waiting in full knight armor (sans crotch and ass armor)
>after I dispense my clam chowder enema along with a fierce war cry i'd charge the survivors with my dildo polearm

I spent way to much time thinking about this shit

>>33288033
Oh and pic related, the entrance to the thunderdome

>>33285997

And you reminded me of this.

http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1689

>>33281746
as a deputy I can attest that this is something that would go down in the history books of shit that would never be forgotten.

>>33280616
Is it legal to trap your house ? Like making a pitfall trap or something

>>33288200

I guarantee that you would be hit with additional charges if it ever became relevant, and the ensuing legal battle would hurt massively. It probably isn't worth it.

>>33288200
I thought man traps were pretty much illegal period, private property or not.

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>>33282711
DUBS OF TRUTH!

>>33286636
>>33286927

Here's the original video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l285JDSiOOo
No idea what it is though.

>>33280616
stairs consisting of random and varying heights per step

>>33288200
yes, but

nothing can be automatic or set for a human.

so a steel jaw trap used for animals is a nono if they think you set it for a person.

though if you have a deadfall or punji stick trap and it requires you to activate it. that is ok.

>>33288033
>legos
fucking savage

>>33288251
>>33288445
maybe you can just make a big hole and tell that you were building a cellar

>>33288391
Potassium iodide, hydrogen peroxide, soap and oil.
>Protip turn on subtitles.

>>33280930
Got the one where the apartment was stupidly fortidied? Like steel covered window,s massive steel doors, etc? Then once they finally broke through there was another set of steel doors?

PUNJI PITS
FULL OF DRAGON DILDOS
AND LUBE

no one's going to be able to live down breaking their ankle on a bunch of dragon dildos

>>33288445

If the police get sick of getting raped by spring activated dildos and they've decided the house is too dangerous to breach, what then?

Do they set up a siege and wait until you come out?

Blow up your house? What?

>>33288679
They implode the house.
If they suspect booby traps and the probable loss of an officer they will stack sandbags and demo charges and collapse the whole thing.

>>33288679
>Do they set up a siege and wait until you come out?
but you have provisions and a shovel to escape

>>33288698
yes but if there's no traps, just big walls can they still blow up ?

>>33288698

What if you didn't break the law?

>>33280616

Coat house in bedliner. Paint it to look like stucco.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VSvVy6oiMZI

>>33288698
>>33288711

>be paranoid schitzo
>see police officer
>remember news story about a police shooting
>TRIGGERED
>run away from the cop screaming obscenities at him
>booby trap your house while the police come
>they get anal fissures from spring activated dildos
>blow up you and your home

So.... The police can basically murder you and destroy your home because the police scared you.

>>33288759
>because the police scared you
because you anal fissure one cop

Build a Takeshi's Castle! Or just the doormaze...

>>33288788

>don't invade peoples
>you won't get raped

Seems fair to me.

If I went around breaking into peoples houses I'd be murdered real quick.

If the cops and government are going to give people criminal records, they can't complain when people give them records and use their past actions to decide their future.

Its only fair.

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Get automatic shotgun.

Find a way to both attach it to myself and install a mechanism so that when fired, it keeps firing until empty.

Have barrel slightly inserted into my ass.

They'll be able to enter my home just fine, but they won't leave without some serious mental scars.

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>>33288033
>>squad of Chihuahuas in shitty halloween costumes, just to bark and nip at their heels

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>make lair entrance with only one entrance
>have a long ass stair case made of slick LEGOS
>legos are so slick you need to use the guard rails for any hope of not tumbling to your doom
>rails are pic related

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>Not living in a lair guarded by your minions

ishygddt

>>33281058
Because the American government cannot and should not be trusted.

>>33280616

Easy I'd just get this door.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mkP1rA5Jhpw

>>33288989

>250,000 lego pieces

>55 gallons of lube in the hallway

HELL

JUST

HELL

be a cheap ass

just hang loose wire cables everywhere and strings to doorknobs that they can see

>>33280818

+1 LOL

>>33280616
Have my front door reinforced and swing outwards.

No battering ram for you.

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This door

I've always wanted to do a secure escape tunnel or something along those lines so they aren't catching me even if they raid my house. After about the 50th time they just give up.

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>>33280728

...
...
...
...Why didn't they just break the glass next to the door and reach in?

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>>33288835

>>33289169
>living in copy of your Rust base

>>33289023
Why did I watch so much of that

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Dig a pit in front of my door.

When intruder gather, flip a switch, the floor opens, people fall in.

Wait for them to go around to the porch.

After the outer door is breached and intruders file into the porch area, there is a second door.

This door is flush with the brick.

The real door is hidden behind a shelf 'bolted' to the wall that swings out.

There is no pit.

But there is a hole in the ceiling I can drop grenades through.

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>>33280616
Motion activated quick-inflating boppo clowns. Behind every door, around everycorner, behind every piece of cover and concealment are inflatable untippable balloon clowns. Circus music begins blaring the instant they breach the door. Party popper tripwires in every door frame and window. Fun snaps hidden underneath the rugs. Vents pumping helium so their voices get higher and higher the longer they're inside.

>>33289303

Cause it's fuckin amazing? The sheer amount of rage that door would induce in the SWAT team attempting to breach would be worth the extra money. If I was a drug dealer I'd definitely have this as my door along with an escape tunnel.

>>33280616
Pull front doors that have "push" written on them.

The door and frame are made of heavy metal and can't be rammed down.

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>>33282711

awesome thread

>>33288642
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGG84c2FsU0

>>33281094
>was getting burned part of your plan?

>>33291416
Thanks bro. I need to reevalute my life since I'm still here

>>33289169
This but the rooms spin

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>>33280616
>ITT: we suggest home improvements and other ways to piss off entry teams

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>>33281682

>>33292153

He honeycomb pattern is amazing.

Breaching a corner only opens up two rooms.

With square rooms breaching a corner opens up three.

A fun house type setup would be fuckin hilarious. I wonder if you could be charged if one of them shot another one due to the fun house setup?

>>33280616
Caltrops

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>bars on the inside of upper floor windows
>ground floor windows and doors have bars that drop into place and lock on command
>basement is a giant hydraulic lift that turns ground floor into indiana jones trap
>chimney is actually a ladder into the basement
>basement has secret access tunnel into the sewers once you squish the ground floor

alternatively

>interior walls filled with tannerite

>>33289344
>vents pumping helium into the fun house of doom

Mix that shit with laughing gas to make things extra lulzy for those poor bastards fighting off the inflatable clown posse

And why are we making false doors anyways? Why not just stick a Knob into a wall and decorate it to look like a door instead?

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Fill up the lower part of your house and live on the 1st floor.

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>>33292804
>>interior walls filled with tannerite

>>33280616
First i will put up framing and divide every hall in half, turning it into 2 very narrow halls. I would carve out door shapes and screw on fake hinges and knobs onto the drywall, and put these every few feet or so, but the only real doors are top hinged. Meanwhile, the walls have dildos sticking out from them making it nearly impossible to walk through, as well as one in every 10 is covered in fish hooks, painted to blend in with the dick. The whole hallway is continuous, leading you narrowly into every room in the house, much like a linear video game mission. They would defeat a boss covered in motor oil in my garage, after defeating my autistic minions with weapons made of rusty rail spikes and other scrap metal, then some lady of the night in the kitchen beating the shit out people with utensils and fry pans, then finally i will be in the attic. Meanwhile, if they try to give up on my maze, they wont be able to smoke my out since i have chicken wire mesh over all windows, vents, and the chimney, preventing smoke canisters from coming in. Oh, did I mention this was all going to be inside a cabin? This is important, since im just gonna light the whole thing on fire 3 minutes after they arrive and are all inside while i escape innawoods for another day.

>>33280616
>type up awesome idea
>accidentally click hiroshi-jews stupid pop up instead of posting
>aaaand its gone.

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>>33288033
>after I dispense my clam chowder enema along with a fierce war cry i'd charge the survivors with my dildo polearm
>dispense my clam chowder enema
>my clam chowder enema
>clam chowder enema
>CLAM CHOWDER ENEMA
>L
>A
>M
>
>C
>H
>O
>W
>D
>E
>R
>
>E
>N
>E
>M
>A

>entry team's face when

>>33280616
Doors that hinge from the top, incredibly tight spiral staircases, loud HVAC machines everywhere. Mannequins with sirsoft guns. Blank guns ready to go off full auto, etc.

>>33293939
>house frame is steel I beams instead of 2×4's
>concrete poured in between
>sheathed in 1/2 inch hardned steel plate backed by kevlar/ceramic spall lining (veneered with normal house matierials to look normal and be livable)
>ditto floors
>windows are 2 layers of 3 inch ballistic glass sandwiching plate steel/kevlar spall lined drop shutters
>doors are mechanical sliding doors of 6 inches of concrete/kevlar/steel layers which both mechanically and magnetically lock, leading edge recessed 4 inches into wall on all sides so prying, pulling, or pushing will not work
>built next to river with escape tunnel in basement leading to underwater so scuba gear can be used to make clean getaway
>all doors in house wired and controlled analog from central location to prevent hotwiring or hacking.
>doors have small firing ports with 1 way that only open from the inside

They better bring a tank or air support to get into that bitch.

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>>33280714
Lightweight. Try carbon tetra-chloride and fuming sulfuric acid. In separate mason jars, of course.

>>33280616
i still want to buy whatever targets the swat team use at the range. Set them so they pop at as their team moves through the house

>>33283742
Even better, water mixed with gasoline in proportion which prevents ignition. The fumes let them think they're covered in gas and they're gonna die horribly when in reality its just water and fumes. Best part is the water takes longer to evaporate.

Bonus points: medieval lighting in the foyer.

>>33280616
All this is all well and good. But here's how you really give entry teams a headache:

>Wear gas mask
>Hide in sneaky closet in center of house that'll take them forever to find
>Hidden gas shells of homebrew sarin in every room, rigged to detonate together
>Wait until they're all in the middle of the house looking for you to trigger the shells

>>33293068
>inflatable clown posse

Goodbye, sides. It was nice knowing you.

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>>33296291
Forgot pic

>>33280616
A house that can't be burnt down

t. dorner

>>33280616
Wall of dildos.

What's a good recipe for flamethrower fuel? The kind of stuff that sticks and burns slow.

>>33296933
5 gallons gas and 15 oz. of M4.
Mix well.

Hang all my poop socks from the cieling right in front of the door.

>>33297008
the hell is m4?

>>33280728
>when you're in the bathroom and some fuckhead is at the door and won't stop knocking

>speakers playing my voice, cardboard cutouts of me, fake guns, fake dogs, a bunch of shit that is at least initially confusing
>turn it all off after a while, or it's all found after a while
>they search
>they don't find me
>wait
>"I'm up here, assholes!"
>lead them to the very top of the house
>the attic is a maze
>nothing is in it except more cutouts and speakers
>but now it's all furry porn cutouts and fox noises
>I'm in the sub-basement
>with a totally flush concrete-topped hydraulic-actuated door in the bottom of the regular basement
>I fuck with them live and nearby
>I lead them to the skies
>all while I am unnaground

>>33286927
looks like binary explosives, except those are, you know, explosive, and not just flammable

>>33288200
in most places it's not legal because there's no trap that can discern between a reasonable or unreasonable entry, e.g. you might have paramedics, firefighters, police, or even just family that need to come in your building, and a trap would kill or maim them just as well as anyone else
basically any kill you get with a trap is inherently negligent manslaughter at best

Front door opens into unlit 8ft deep pool, smoke machine for effect.
Wonder how many you can trap/drown before they figure it out

>>33288679
then you get a Waco situation
how that's dealt with, and how it should be dealt with, varies depending on who you ask

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>>33289169
INDEEED.

If I was a complete and total asshole I'd plant explosives around and under other people's houses and buildings at random and rig up the detonators to an electronic dead man switch so that if I die or my house is breached they all go off. If need be I would prove this by setting one off. Obviously I would have various signals emanating from my house at all times, and various others emanating only at certain times, too many for them to guess which one is the controlling one, and they'd have to listen for a long time to be sure they had everything so they could attempt to replicate all the signals (and at any rate the detonators would be keyed to at least three different signals). Assuming I have a flair for the dramatic too (and I totally would) I would rig each explosive package to detonate itself and one other site every hour, so as to create a ridiculous action movie scenario.
also fleshlights

>>33292542
>With square rooms breaching a corner opens up three.
that's only if you make the corners meet up

>>33293068
>And why are we making false doors anyways? Why not just stick a Knob into a wall and decorate it to look like a door instead?
that is a false door
also
>inflatable clown posse

>>33281489
>33th strike

>>33289408
I love you

>>33296094
you should put some lard in there too, make 'em think they're about to be fried

>>33280770
That is incorrect sir.

>>33281746
Audibly kek'd on the bus :')
Great job lad

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>>33280616
Drawbridge and moat gets em every time. Then toss boiling hot oil on them when they try to climb the wall.

>>33297085
Not him, but I'm pretty sure he meant the m4 thickening compound, just search around and you'll find it

>>33296335
holy shit anon, that's the real deal right there, if I ever saw an answer for this question

>>33286962
>KANEDAAAAAAAAAAAA

>>33286927
looks all the world like two-part expanding urethane foam

>>33288838
>If I went around breaking into peoples houses I'd be murdered real quick.
thats because you suck at everything you do

another person might get better at it with each break-in

>>33281360
>drum of lube

why not a drum of acid?

>>33281318
I actually have one of those. I fabricated it with steel mesh panels instead of bars, though.

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>>33281663

>>33286051
That's what the fish hooks and spiders are for.

>>33280930
***pump action fun launchers***
HNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGG

>>33283039
>Webm Theme
https://youtu.be/HwKrgJ_CG0M

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>>33280616
OP its simple- you just fill the entire floor with chocolate cake- and have a bunch of strong hanging in the hallway. next my friend you need to just spray a shit ton of deoderant around, youll need a gas mask but with that spray itll make it just a cunt to raid- you legit just gotta light a match if you think youre fucked and then itll b fun

>>33280964
>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8nh2QCdvxSI
Counter-terrorist special operation of the FSB

>>33301747
string hanging * also you could play death grips very loudly the second they kick down the door.

>>33280782
How fucking big do you think breaching charges are? They're virtually harmless to anyone not directly behind the door.

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>>33288033
>teletubbies intro

>>33283904
Get your friends involved so you can have several handfuls of spiders.

>>33284742
SWAT are trash who routinely B&E the wrong address like motherfucking retards who cant read. They are terrorists and nothing more,

>>33280616
Fake IEDs everywhere.

>>33296335
thanks asshole now everyone that viewed this image is on a list at Langley

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>>33280616
this

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This shit is 100$. Is it worth /k/? One for front door. One for back. I guess you could still crash a window but it would slow anyone trying to ram their way in way way down I think as long as it's installed properly.

Also security in general. I have deadbolts, lights, and dogs. I'm armed too but I'm not always home.

>>33302852

Security strike plates and ANSI grade 1 deadbolts are always a good investment. Avoid Kwikset at all costs.

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This. No cop in the US or in Europe would dare to make as much as a scratch in the building.

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>>33280770

>>33283151
>American style garages
>M4's
>Humvee
>General incompetence
>implying not USA

ok then

>>33280848
> Camel Spiders

well done.

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>upper part of the door can be opened but the bottom is just brick with a bottom door glued on
>speakers playing realistic dog growling sounds
>skinny hallway that only one person can fit into at one time
>long hallway in which the walls are very wide but have a bunch of saw zaws with dragon didlos attached to the end of them.
>they all slide in and out just enough to where they dont hit the officers they just thrust at them
>manaquine thats completely dressed with no "skin" showing hiding in each closet holding everything from a lawn mower blade machete to a bat with dildos glued to it like there nails
>hallway with walls covered in shitty mind rape colored construction paper
>floors are made of construction paper and rancid sewge puddles just beneath them
>large room filled with saw zaw dildos fucking exotic fleshlights, use tons off lube so the slapping and slurping sounds are extra loud
>each fleshlight has a womans name on it
>floor slightly raised to an unnoticable degree but enough to trip on
>buckets of slime instead of water above slightly open door
>dedicated meme-orials to dead memes in each room with shrines
>trip wire that when broken activates auto ball thrower at the end of the hallway
>room covered in monitors that are all playing the same phycodelic video
>ever door has an airhorn on the other side so it goes of when opened
>entire floor of one room is covered in sticky candy

>>33282711
wew

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>Buy SWAT gear off internet
>Setup blackout switch and strobe lights to fuck with their eyesight for a few seconds
>Join the rear of the team and sweep your own house with them
>Once the all clear is given, exfil and return to the station with them
>Get in too deep, spend the next 3 years working as SWAT in your spare time
>find the cop who ordered the raid on your house all those years ago
>use l33t h4x0r skills to put CP on his laptop
>call in fake 911 call
>make sure he "resists arrest"
>revenge at last
>retire from force

I actually have an armored door that can sustain 7.62 rifle fire.

I'm not even kidding.

I bought this apartment from an old lady, she had it installed.

She must have had a crazy life.

cant believe the most obvious thing hasnt been posted yet
just have a 12 ft wide trench filled with water and a draw bridge
ofc they prolly have ramps but if you build a 15 ft wall that is highly sloped at the top their ramps will slide off

>>33281360
I feel like you listen to the dollop

>>33280616
Multiple doors all around the house. All but one lead to an empty room. Only one door leads inside the house, placed in an unconventional spot.

>>33303611
Where do you live? Detroit?

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>>33281094
>four (you)s
I chuckled

i dindu nuffin why would tha gubmint raid my house

>>33301714
OH SHIT IT'S THAT ZIP FURIO

>>33303517
/THREAD
ABSOLUTE GOLD

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cut out the floor in front of all the doors and windows

>>33280671
Wait, Matchbox and Hot Wheels aren't the same thing?

>>33305372
affix carpets over holes with double sided tape or glue lol

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>>33297199

>>33298102
>Concealed weapons are prohibited
Not a problem, he is carrying in the open.

>>33302176
A tall glass of freshly poured spiders in each hand

door handles attached a long shaft mechanism so they can be on the opposite side just to piss off the stealthy ones.

>>33280616
Remove doors and replace them with tarps.
Make sure said tarps are very solidly attached to the celling and make out of highly resistant material and as slippery and lubricated/viscuous as you can.
For shits and giigles just attach to of them to the floor as well to block their path.
Print or paint distrubing shit on em as well if you want to really have fun.

>>33282946
Kama sutra

>>33288989
All the steps have a slight downwards angle with a gallon drum of oil or lube at the top for easy dispensing.

>>33302560
Oh no another list?

>>33280616

a 400 pound nude man shouldering an AR pistol with an AK under his fat rolls

>>33280616
Hallway with falling floors over open septic tank. Floors falls after 750 lbs is put on em.

>>33280616
Dakimakura propped up on a remote control segway that taunts the entry team in checkerpatter hallways.

>>33283039
>leaves his rifle propped up against the neighbors house

>>33280770
Masked grenadier seems really hyped and the one goin casual with his goggles is more chill.

>>33311397

Eh its probably a fake recipe designed by the the government to kill domestic terrorists.

Like how in the anarchist cookbook they forget to tell you to slowly mix chemicals in an ice bath... Recipe for a concussive explosion that'll kill you.

During prohibition the police distributed poisonous moonshine. The government has a history of murdering people over trivial things.

I bet they have a licence to kill so they can infiltrate gangs that require you to kill someone to be in the inner circle.

The average humans life was calculated to be worth 7 million by some official organization. Americans are worth much more.

Strange as fuck. And here I am, being watched, and I don't even know how to use power tools. I wanna be /diy/ but I'm comedy movie tier stupid and I get fucking watched.

>>33311511
>I bet they have a licence to kill so they can infiltrate gangs that require you to kill someone to be in the inner circle.
You generally have to get approval from a judge. Your handler will query the judge with the description of the illegal act and the tangible benefit. If the judge agrees (they do all the time) they give you a get out of jail free card.

>Or so I hear

>>33311559
judge quarrying is mostly done before any infiltration takes place. Undercover operators have a scope of illegal actions they are allowed to do, and expansion of that scope is done so by a judge and the Attorney General's office.

For instance, someone who is infiltrating a meth lab might be authorized to cook meth but not perform gangland assassinations. he is already approved before going in for making meth, but needs extra permision to kill someone

>Or so i've been told
>might change from state to state

>>33311637
>For instance, someone who is infiltrating a meth lab might be authorized to cook meth but not perform gangland assassinations. he is already approved before going in for making meth, but needs extra permision to kill someone
Yeah thats how it always worked for my friend who did this sort of stuff.

>>33280657
>recreational nuke
where do i sign up?

>>33305963
Plot twist: he's carrying a 3" pocket knife

>>33303611
that's only like 6mm steel

>>33280713
A whole bunch of obvious wires, tripwires, and switches. Maybe some blinking lights too.

They're not actually hooked up to anything. But they'll need to send in the bomb squad or a robot to check things out anyway.

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>>33282711
>With my last breath, I take my last breath.

>>33286051
After that 20 minutes they would have all the functionality of 3 year olds though.

>>33287127

>Best way honestly is don't be a shithead that gets his house raided
Says the shithead that raids people's houses.
So what's your favorite breed of dog to shoot pigbro?

guys come on- just make a shit ton of this at the door

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZT7VHVSlTo

plus it with the hanging dildos

>>33283690
Underated

>>33291416
They finally found that 4chan guy

>>33296291
Instead of something dangerous how about using greenish yellow smoke, pepperspray bottles and stinkbombs? Create the illusion of danger without actually killing them.

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>>33303554
>off by one
yet very underrated

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Assuming you're like that Russian guy that was posted and managed to reinforce all your doors and windows to a stupid degree, how would an entry team fare against an ICF house? All the walls are concrete and rebar, so explosives and the good old fashioned APC through the wall are a bit harder.

>>33305109
UN THOUSAND DOLLARS

>>33280616
Claymore mines.

>>33303554
You. I like the way you think.

>>33291416
So why exactly were they trying to get in there?

>>33314234
In my experience, ICFs are usually only used for the foundation walls, not the whole building. Once they're in place, you would probably have a typical wood-framed house on top.

What about those 3D printed concrete houses they're making nowadays?

>>33314234
You just have to find a hole to get the year gas in. Not your fault if it "ignites"

>>33315202
There are full ICF houses now.
>>33315246
>Fill house with fans
>Police are fire

>>33280995

If I knew someone who hurt a cop like that, they would fucking wish they hadn't done it...

>>33288180
Craziest story like this>>33281746
so far in your career?

>>33314234
If no shooting then most reliable and practical way of breaching is cutting through doors/windows with disc saw. If shooting then shoot the building with heavy guns/RPGs.

>ATF breaches door soon after I inform them of a water-based, gun-involved incident
>the moment the entry team is in I get to work
>knock down the cardboard cutouts around my home, revealing it to not be a fortified compound but a modest ranch-style home with thousands of weather balloons attached to it
>I cut the ropes anchoring it to the ground
>house soars into the upper stratosphere, taking the team all with it
>cackle maniacally as I circle the flying building in my gyrocopter, tossing molotov cocktails into the doors and windows

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>>33293068
>inflatable clown posse

Get one of these behind your door. Best to re-enforce the door with longer screws or just getting a better door.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wDD2e3xBgUA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VShhg9uCjoo

>make your front door look really sturdy
>is actually just a thin layer of oak
>giant cavity inbetween door panels
>fill cavity with shit
>breach team slam through door and get covered in shit

>>33315246
If you are referring to the Waco siege of the Branch Davidians, you are a retard. The leader refused to let women and children leave, choosing to "mercy" kill them before smoke inhalation would have done it. And that fire? It was set by the Branch Davidians, they poured gas in three spots and left LP tanks in the middle of the spots. Then they lit it.

Was the whole operation a clusterfuck? Yes, but to say that the fire was on the LEO's is retarded and shows you know nothing.

>>33283039
That gives me a good idea actually... Thick steel door, not locked or even latched but with fuck huge springs pushing behind it. Too strong for even many people to push back and walk through, but has a little give so you can't transfer the full energy of a hammer or ram to the door.