I'm fat, miserable, and have no prospects. So I wish to

Youre fuckin ten ply bud

If you're fat you can forget about being a lol assassin.
Could be a handler, tho.

Used to be small time mma. Got bored and let myself go though so I know how to be /fit/, just haven't had call to in a couple of years

>>33135533
>So I wish to enter a specific line of work relevant to this board. What physique will be most advantageous to said line of work?

You can be a test subject for ballistic gel that simulates human fat.

>>33135541
This, although I doubt most would waste money on hiring a handler, which happens to basically boil down to an overpriced tech support with a sexy voice.

Also most assassin work isn't done with guns and knives. Following the logic of not giving the impression of foul play is important. If you want someone just flat out killed you could just hire any junky to do that at a cheaper price than your fat ass would accept for a life.

Lose weight, get training, become a merc. Much less stressful and unlike the lonely life of an assassin you will always have buddies to fall back on in tough times.

>>33135541
Richard Kuklinski was pretty fat.

>>33135574
Mob contract killers aren't assassins in the night. They just shoot people and occasionally kill people in creative ways. What moron stores body parts for years and drops them every now and then. Just fucking cremate that shit.

>>33135584

Well he must have been doing something right to get away with killing so many people.

>>33135592
Not really. Their are statistics that show that their are tons of serial killers within America alone that have never been found. He just happened to be payed for his killings. Plus, he probably had some police help at least once. He was killing other mobsters and crooked businessmen. Not too many people would be sad about that.

>>33135605

>Lack of attention from law enforcement was partly due to Kuklinski's ever-changing methods: he used guns, knives, explosives, tire irons, fire, poison, asphyxiation, and even bare-handed beatings, ... He favored the use of cyanide, since it killed quickly and was hard to detect in a toxicology test. He would variously administer it by injection, by putting it on a person's food, by aerosol spray, or by simply spilling it on the victim's skin.

Being paid to kill specific targets, and using methods like poisoning a person's food, doesn't count as being an assassin?
Get the fuck out of here.

>>33135616
Basically my idea of an assassin is someone who kills people quietly.

I'm not saying the dude wasn't a badass, but as you've even pointed out majority of his killings weren't anything glamorous. They were by the books murders. And, occasionally he spiced it up and went above his usual street thug style.

>>33135635
You're objectively wrong. Just because you think a word means something that doesn't mean it does. I could call you purple and mean you're a gigantic faggot. That doesn't make you purple even though you are in fact a gigantic faggot. If I called you purple I would be wrong, someone else could say "he's not purple, he's just a gigantic faggot!" and they would be correct.

So... Bearmode? Ottermode? Built?

>>33135649
Can't tell if copypasta

>>33135533
you could assassinate yourself :)

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>>33135567
This.
Unless you want to become a assassin, which is basically being a thug that's way more crafty in his job.
A few things to note:
Killers dont have signature guns, it's dumb, buy a gun from a nigger in the alley then after the job dump it somewhere. Or destroy it.
Killers dont have suits.. I mean, they could, but the concept of a "silent killer" is to blend in the crowd after a job.
"Sniper on the roof" is a meme, shooters use closed rooms and shoot from inside the building, then run for it.
Digsuise is key, using somebody else's clothing wont do. Use things like light makeup and fake hair (moustache/beard/wig), afterwards ditch it the disguise.
Dont take jobs in your area.
Poison is a thing.
Dont do shit like the punisher, buying big time stuff is a bad idea (ie. Rocket launchers.).
Stabbing a guy is a viable tactic.
Wash yourself frequently to get rid of evidence, dogs tend to identify things by smell and people will remember some guy smelling like a turd.
Getting rid of bodies is basically making them vanish, burn them or hide them underground. Dont bother with the water, bodies tend to show up every now and then after being dunked in oceans.

That should be all.
>Inb4 CIA post.

>>33135539
That's it! Tarps off boys!

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>>33135887
This guy