One of the things nobody tells you when you join the military

It is? I've had my own room since I finished basic.

I've had PROSTITUTES in there.

>tfw never getting to beat off in a filthy 120F porta-potty with a crusty playboy while your girlfriend sexts you from the states

Why even live?

I've heard that the female barracks sound like a machine shop after lights out

>>32201142
>inna bmt
>always hear stories about female flights doing freaky shit at night
>everyone jokes that they use the trainer m16 buffer as a dildo
>some girl in our cousin flight hospitalized halfway though basic
>rumors everywhere
>beast week
>talk to girls in cousin flight
>she actually did it
>cut her vagoo and it got infected

>>32201247
Heard one here about weapon quals and the girls gun was fucking up. Upon closer inspection it was missing a buffer.
>where is your buffer
>I don't know
>Bluff is called
>Under my pillow

You have gay hands

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>In the Marines
>Suppose to go to Learning Resource Center for online classes
>Have laptop in my room with Internet
>Go get breakfast burrito, do classes in room
>Done early, I'm bored
>Throw DVD porn into laptop (yes an actual DVD this was like 2009
>Sit down pull dick out, before I'm even hard...
>Hear my door open, room mates supposed to be gone
>Its Gunny and 1st Sgt doing room inspections
>Stand up and shove my cock in my pants
>Turn off laptop as Jenna Haze is yelling to get ass fucked harder
>Gunny just tells me my wall locker is a sloppy mess and he's disappointed at me
>In the doorway 1st Sgt is standing there grinning, and my squad leader is standing behind him doing pic related

During formation later he even mentioned "I found fucking Marines jacking off today!" I'm just glad he didn't say my name.

>>32201070
>Be an officer
>Have own little private space
>Beat off in privacy and comfort
Yep, truly the best route

>>32201070
What is guard duty?

Also, everyone come to my thread, because we're having a party >>32201187

Feel free to post off topic and shitpost. I might build a fort later and take pictures.

>>32201106

What is this, a story for ants?

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>>32201383

You guys dont have private toilets for taking shits? Thats where I do it

>>32201278
She probably got a yeast infection

That's how you get a yeast infection

I jerked off three times in BMT
One time on the morning of daylight savings and twice when I was on bed rest

I usually managed it once a week during basic, really early on Sunday mornings. Now is tougher since I share a head with three other guys and my roommate never fucking leaves. One guy taking up the head for 20 minutes without showering is suspicious.

Designated jack off facilities when?

>be a conscript in FDF
>be a trusted lance corporal
>on company guard duty durong the weekend, only four other guys at the barracks with me
>night time so the others are sleeping
>fuck around and notice one office door is unlocked
>the office bellngs to a pretty attractive female officer
>go in
>kinda messy
>she has left some of her clothes, both clean and dirty, on the floor
>go through them
>panties, jackpot
>fap with the panties over your head
>scary af because anyone could come in at any time
>wipe cum on the panties where the pussy would be
>during the night have four faps in the office
>wipe some cum on the mouth piece of her drinking bottles, her gloves, her lip balm etc.
>next week at a parade watch her use the gloves
>shedoesntknow.jpg

It was kind of fucked up but also kind of nice. Though the most fucked up thing I did was I fished one of her used tampons from the bin but almost puked when I smelled and took a lick.

A man does wrong things when you deprive him of his fapping routine and then present a treasure like this to him.

>>32201070
>hasnt figured out how to jerk off anywhere, at any time when needed
>hasnt shot a load onto as many surfaces in his work space as possible over years of service

Guess how i know you're not an enlisted man?

You havent LIVED until you've shot 3 weeks of built up NTC spunk all over the Gunner's handstation of a bradley because you didnt have enough MRE napkins, while standing on the seat, body poking out the top, Giving your SCO the greeting of the day like nothing is happening. driver is 2 feet away from my still throbbing erection completely oblivious in his drivers hole with a CVC on taking a short nap as easily half a pint of the most musky pheramone-packed semen a person could smell begins to trickle into the machinery behind the gunners station. True story.

>>32201665
>20 minutes
What the fuck are you doing that it takes 20 minutes? Foreplay? Lighting candles? Giving yourself an enema?

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>>32202005
>he doesn't have death grip syndrome

>>32201070
conscriptionfag here
>fap daily from 13 year old onwards
>be in the army when 19
>don't fap for months
>wake up one night horny as fuck
>fap under the blanket
>never fap again during my military service

Not fapping really isn't that hard when you have more important things at hand.

>>32202032
average 25 year old Staff SGT high speed cool guy in the making right here

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>>32202005
Baby, I'm worth it.

>>32202061
I wish.

>>32202032
>more important things at hand

>>32201949
This confirms that Finns are more autistic than me, and that's saying something.

>>32201070
>OIF II, sharing room with three other team leaders
>only place to shit/piss is a sauna hot port-a-potty
>make gentleman's agreement
>have a sign that says "me time"
>any one of us can hang it on the door and nobody can enter the room until it comes down

worked great because it was much nicer beating off in our air conditioned room instead of sweating my ass off and having to smell all that MRE shit

>>32202286
I am >>32202032 and I am a Finn as well.

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Spurdo military service must be hilarious.

>>32201070
Bruh just go to the john and learn how to do it faster

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>>32201138
>tfw you're fucking some idiot soldier's girlfriend because he's been on the other side of the world for 6 months and she's just oh so lonely

Seriously I'm a big supporter of the troops, if they weren't stationed off in Whogivesafuckistan I wouldn't get laid half as often

>>32202631
Jody pls

>>32202631
Fucking this

I went navy reserves in San Diego so I rarely left home. I used to go home with girls who lived in Serra Mesa and Miramar with pictures of their husbands in plain sight. They're also the type to have 2 kids and want you to fuck them raw. Probably why they ended up staying with Marines cause they're dumb enough to listen

>>32202689

Oh marine wife's are the best. For whatever reason they seem to usually be the ones who dated in high school and got married right when he signed up so they got better benefits.

They're great because that typically means they hold a lot of resentment towards their husbands because no hot 20 year old wants to be in a committed marriage. They're the ones who always seem to want you to fuck them in their husbands bed. Like super nasty shit

This one girl let me give her anal for the first time and said afterwards as she was emailing him while we laid in bed that she'd never have tried anal with her husband

Plus I've never met a marine who wasn't a moron or a jackass. So it kinda makes fucking their girls even better

>>32201968
I'm enlisted, just boot as fuck

>>32202631

>>32202689

>>32202747

Teach me how to find chicks like this plz

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>>32202747
>mfw cock is too thick they won't let me ass fuck them

>>32202747
There always seems to be a difference between navy wives and marine wives. Navy wives either go to school or already have a degree and work child care, maybe 1 US Navy sticker on her car. Marine wives work at target and dollar tree, have 3 annoying ass kids, finishing a GED or doing Devry, and have 30 stickers like "Marine Mom: toughest job in the Corps"

As for the nastiness that is 100 percent true. One chick I met when they first opened up the Ballast Point Restaurant in Miramar, took her to her place, dude had just left 2 days ago, the fucking pillow still smelled like the guy. She wanted me to wear some of his clothes while I fucked her. Of course the guy has Affliction and Tapout shirts. She swallowed and took it up her pooper no problem. One time she called me up asking "I need you to stretch my asshole daddy"

>last week of navy boot
>haven't nutted in almost 9 weeks
>have late night quarter deck watch
>need to piss
>fellow watch stander tells me to take my time since nobody is around
>decide to beat it in the head
>nut in less then 3 minutes
>feels amazing
>cum buckets all over toilet, wall, and floor
>take moment to admire my work
>leave head without cleaning up cum cause person in charge of cleaning said head was a douche

I wish I could go that long again without fapping because of how great it feels when you finally do, but I don't have the self discipline to so

>>32202830
You'll find these females with a beat up corrola, wearing pink sweatpants, broken iPhone screen, shitty tattoos, shitty highlights or extensions, and will want you to buy her a drink

>>32202830
>go to bar
>wait for one to jump your bones
>there's usually a line of them
>my bf is in (random fuckhole)
>go home
>stick penis in vagina

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>>32202999
>>wait for one to jump your bones
>>there's usually a line of them

>>32202884
>willingly fucked a woman that's in a relationship
>thinks he has any sort of moral high ground
literally kill yourself.

>>32202884

The girl who let me fuck her ass always was in 1 of 2 moods. She'd want to do it at my place and stay the night, in which case we were forbidden to mention her husband and she basically wanted to pretend he didn't exist and that she was my girlfriend

OR

she'd want to do it at her house and she'd say really hateful shit about him while I held her down and demolished her. Like she'd just go on and on about how much better I fucked her and how pathetic and dumb he is and how he is an idiot because he'd just left again last week and yet had no idea she was cheating on him. Liked to be called a cheating whore etc

Seriously she's like 23 and has this tight bod and is clearly majorly fucked up emotionally.

Thank you for your service lol

>>32201070
I had a top rack. All that was between me and the guy next to me was a short divider that I could easily see over if I sat up. Didn't stop either of us. At least he had the courtesy to tell me beforehand, something along the lines of
>hey, unless you want to see my hard dick don't look over here.

You give up your privacy when you join. That became apparent since showering in boot camp, 88 naked guys sharing 12 shower heads. If you're shy, you're gonna have a hard time.

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>>32203039

Meh. Don't hold your breath, the husbands are far more likely to kill themselves than I am

>>32203039
Oh you must be Jerry, fucked Ashley in the ass the day before you got back.

PS I creamed in her ass

>>32202884

Navy wives who fuck around seem to usually be older too. Like mid 30s to early 40s. Ive met several at cougar bars. They have their shit together and often seem to have perfectly functional marriages and just want some younger guy to fuck them

>>32202884

The bumpersticker thing is so spot on. They'll also proclaim on social media how they're proud military wives. Their tinders always seem to say "sorry boys, proud marine wife so don't even try!"

Which of course means the opposite

>>32203025
Well, in military towns at least. Like a previous anon stated. Sweatpants, that typical "dependent wife" hair cut, usually some article of clothing that says the bfs branch or "bfs branch girl" etc. Oh and a typical "I'm better than you because I let someone who's in the military stick their dick in me" attitude.

>>32201070
At Bridgeport a few months back, I was in the corner and bottom bunk in a squad bay. I put my tarp around my rack's area and had a jack shack. Me and 2 other guys did it, and admitted we jacked off in there at night. As long as people don't see it, marines at least do not give a shit about jacking off.

One guy did get caught jacking off in a toilet during midday in one of the heads. Some Staff Sergeant started yelling, saying "save that shit for the night". Never found how who was caught though.

Someone else also jacked off into a hand sanitizer bottle in one of the porta-shitters we had. My bet was it was one of our docs.

>not having designated wanking showers
You yanks are useless.

>>32203039

You're one of the guys I'm referencing when I make the "my girlfriend's husband is protecting your freedom" joke aren't you?

>>32203137
Military sisters are great
>my brother is cooler than yours!
Meanwhile I'm wristdeep in her cootch

>>32202974
also
>be on ship
>have middle rack
>be fapping
>cum into happy rag
>accidentally drop rag into crevice between bulkhead and my rack
>peek into rack below me
>see happy rag on pillow right next to sleeping shipmates head
>shipmate known for easily getting angry and reporting people
>scared shitless
>sneakily reach into shipmates rack and retrieve rag without him waking up
>second best feeling of relief i had that night

>>32203225

Too much work. The nice thing about the cheating wives/gf is that they're easy. They're typically desperate to get fucked since they haven't gotten laid in a while

With some guys sister you have to do all the normal work AND you might end up meeting her family

No thanks

I'll just say this: it's not called a "cockpit" for nothing.

>>32203270
Yea her brother is actually a pretty cool dude though. It was more of a one night stand anyway. She looks scarily like her brother...

I used to have a greentext saved of the Marine in the wardroom who saved his spunk for three months to put into a cake for a cunt of an officer, but it is lost now.

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>>32203258
>second best feeling of relief i had that night

>>32203303
somebody please find this

>>32203303
That's a great story. It makes me gag and laugh

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>>32201070
If you have time to shit, you have time to grip.

ITT: Shipmates helping shipmates

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>>32203324
>>32203348
https://desuarchive.org/k/thread/17197136/#q17197713

I found the archive, all the stories about the USS Enterprise are me

>>32201106
that is stuff of legend man.

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>>32203510
Jesus, going through that thread was like a fucking time capsule to when my time in the military

>>32201070
no whackin it stories, but i do have a good shiter story.


>jrtc
>receive word that 1sgt's are targets
>the purpose it to see how well we operate without a 1sgt
>we are aviation, the 1sgt basically conducts pt and does paper work, and scolds NCO's hes piratically useless in actual theater, and an honest one will even tell you so
>during a "mortar attack" i jumped on top of my 1sgt to shield him so they couldn't say shit
>the LT thought it was hilarious and put me on PSD for the 1sgt
and so here begins the good part
>rolled sleeves
>cocked PC
>bandoleer on belt
>uniform tucked under magazines on belt
>condition zero
>tell litterally everyone i dont recognize or know to back up, even some LT faggot from the TOC
>1sgt is enjoying me being a super dick head and taking my bullshit duty way to serious
>after like 8 hours 1sgt tells me to "go do something productive i think ill be ok pfc anon"
>roger 1st
>go to porta shitter
>looking at phone because JRTC "NO FUN ALLOWED!!!"
>durring my poop i hear "FEEEEEEWWWWWWWW BOOOOOM BOOM BOOOOOM BOOOM KAAK KAK KAK KAAKAKAKAKAKAKAAKAK"
>OH FUCK ME
>we are under attack
>think to myself hmmmm ive been doing dumb shit all day
>naaahhh im gonna keep poopin
>entire battalion is getting lased and arty simmed
>i waltz out some 3min after it gets quiet and run to the first "casualty" i see
>i start administering aid to like 5-6 dudes
>afterwards everyone was like "hey man way to go you really did a good job"
>even saved some dumb ass with his belt because "LOL NO IFAK"


and thats the story about how i saved the day because i took a long poop and didnt die from a fake engagement.

>>32203301
>>32203270
>>32203225
>>32203137
>>32203025
>>32202999
>>32202830
>>32202747
>>32202689
>>32202631
>>32201138

something is seriously wrong with people who would fuck someone knowing they are helping them cheat, either BS or you guys are too young and immature to get it, that shit is so wrong.

>>32203698
You have to be a special kind of retard to get married when you're in the military.

>>32201383
i fuckin died man, oohhh the face palm of an NCO is always great when its not you ahahahahahaha

>>32203698
You ate the bait.

>>32201391
oh boy a faggot lt

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>>32203698
Thank you for your service.

>>32203718
>never served
>kiss less virgin pvt
pick only one

>>32203761
where did the name jody come from

>>32203798
Joe D. Grinder's got your girl

>>32203795
I'm neverserved, I prefer to get an actual career thank you very much

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>be gook conscript boot doing UDT training
>half way through mental week where they show you bunch of terrorist videos and do paper assessments
>boring as shit but atleast we get a break from pt
>decide to jerk one off at middle of the night while thinking about the one video where they showed a glimpse of this 2/10 getting raped by a sandnigger
>im on the top bunk so i tried to be as quiet as possible but im still audibly squeaking
>suddenly 3 of the instructors burst in and start blowing air horns and tells everyone to get on the ground to do push ups and shit
>startled as fuck and cum a bucket in my underwear and start doing pt
>no matter how much sweat covers my body i can feel this lump of wet slime in my underpants, and each movement i make is freeing it from its cotton prison ever so slightly
>visible disgust from my shipmates who had to crawl in the trail of my cum and one of the instructor is literally dying of laughter
>those who had the pleasure of contacting my sperms shot arrows out of their eyes the entire night, while those who were lucky enough to dodge it thanked me for the hot shower privilege we received thanks to my endeavor
>got no sleep that night because i had to clean the trail of semen that i left in the barracks
>mfw i was called snail until i graduated from training

>>32203816
>Joe D. Grinder
The military use of jody was introduced to the U.S. Army by African-American soldiers. Jody is a clipping of the name of Joe the Grinder, a slightly older character in jazz and blues mythology.

Joe the Grinder is the name of mythical ladies man in blues tunes who seduces the wives and sweethearts of prisoners and soldiers. He’s also known as Joe De Grinder and Joe D. Grinder. The term dates to at least 1939. Grinder is from an old slang verb, to grind, meaning to copulate.

>>32203827
pretty cool story, i like stories where people got their nickname

>>32201070
>dem brand new ndubs
>dat stowed vacuum
>dat trash can without a bag

Lemme guess, you've been in like 6 months?
Protip: leave an empty bag in the can, use PX shopping bags for daily trash and take that shit out on your way to muster.

>be inna BCT
>Ft. Sill is gay as fuck
>At least DS Hank is cool
>Start jerking off about 4 weeks in
>Do it routinely
>Guys still spreading rumors they dope the food so you can't get a boner
>Fuck GF really hard on family day

>Get to AIT
>Everyone else is choosing room mates while I am taking a dump
>Get room to self
>Jerk it all the time
>Get jelly of the Airfags having Wi-Fi

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>>32201383
top kek

>>32201070
I swear if I find some mate with porn, talking about sluts or fapping, I will fuck him up hardly

>>32203902
Six days short of six months, good fucking job.

>>32203954
Noice. Whats your rate/NOS?
>i fucking hate the new system

>>32203823
i have a contract open for 120k, should i choose to renew my contract i will receive a heavy bonus.

so my little time in the army turned into a profitable career all for free, sooooo what was your point again bud?

>>32204117
STG aka B340. San Diego's a nice place.

>>32203918
lmfao i love when people tell me how much they hated oklahoma, i love my home state, you just got stuck in the asshole region of it.

>>32204120
You got lucky, good job

>>32202027
Wrong. If you're death gripping correctly you should be able to nut within a minute or two. Squeeze harder, faggot.

>>32204198
no i went in choosing wisely as to what i wanted as an MOS.

i knew aviation was a good career path so i took an MOS that fit what i wanted.

its not hard guys, just dont sign papers until you get what you want.

>>32201760
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2013397/Hitler-ordered-Nazis-make-sex-dolls-soldiers-wouldnt-catch-syphilis-prostitutes.html
70 years ago.

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>>32204302
The SS also had blonde German breeding stock so the SS could make many, many babies.
>ywn spend your leave from the Eastern front impregnating Frauleins before going back and getting turned into giblets by a Katyusha rocket

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>>32203698

Dumbass shouldn't have gotten married at 18 then signed up the next day then

>too young and immature to get it

To get what, that I like having sex with hot girls around my age and that I don't give a shit about some retard grunts feelings?

Fuck them, they chose to join, I chose to get a real job. They get to go get shot at so dick cheney can afford another mansion, I get to have their girlfriends cum all over my dick

The only things wrong are their choices. They made dumb ones, I didn't

Go cry like a faggot with those cucks if it makes you feel better

>>32203698
I fingerbanged the guy's sister not his wife dude, chill

>>32204401
so atributing to adultery isnt wrong because "its not my wife/husband"

wow bud, careful with that edge you might cut yourself, that would be, disappointing.

>>32204401
is it so hard to admit your are wrong on an anonymous Taiwanese pictograph bartering forum?

>>32204554

Uh huh, I'll be sure to feel extra guilty next time I'm railing your girl while you're away training

Thank you for your service

>>32204648
You sound a little salty, bro. Did MEPS turn you away or something?

>>32204554
>it's your duty not to sleep with them if they're in a relationship
Uhh huh. Interesting.

>>32201070
/k/ - Masturbation Stories

>>32204710
There's precedent

>>32204662

Nah just not a fan of military welfare queens

Big fan of their wives though

Die for oil suckers

Why are military females so filthy?

>>32203510
I really want to see those service grade doujins.

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>>32201391
so that's why they're called butter bars

>>32204793
>2edgy4me

>>32203698
I didn't tet married while I was in, people in my unit actively avoided getting married since we go on bullshit like MEUs and UDPs a lot.

Why would you want to anyways? You're a 20-something visiting far off and exotic countries, live the salty life a bit and go fuck some tight asian hooker chicks or older Euro/Aussie sluts on vacation in Hong Kong or Malaysia.

Literally, even the butt ugly social retard in my platoon got a blowjob from some blitzed German lady in Hong Kong, you're only depriving yourself of a good time by getting married

>recruit training
>no doors on stalls just curtains
>wake up at 0200 to piss
>go to furthest stall
>piss then fap

No one else came in. Simple really.

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>>32201070
On topic though

>be innaship
>well deck watch balls to 0200
>wrapping up quality time the other watch, think its pretty early and tomorrow is Sunday
>treat myself to a wank, finally got a Alison Tyler porno downloaded in the phone
>thanks Malaysia, run to the head after takin if mah blouse and grabbin headphones
>pop in head phones, start choking the chicken
>hear footsteps coming in back and forth, sailors and marines using head as a P-Way
>don't mind it at first, concentrate on Alisons juicy tits
>suddenly hear first sergeants foghorn voice
>"EY DEBIL, WHAT, THINK COS ITS 0230 IN DA MORNIN U DONT HAF TO FOLLOW REGS?"
>for what felt like 30 minutes, First tears this poor bastard a new one for wearing pink floyd PJs instead of green on green
>literally feel my dick deflate in my hands, try turning up the volume
>Alas,First Sergeants motivation defeats Alison's moaning and bouncing titties
>Erection was pronounced dead at the spot
>literally don't even try and jerk until I get first day well deck watch during a libo port when the entire ship is gone
>mfw

>>32201106
>afghanistan engagement distances
>hearing a shot
>then seeing the flash
>then hearing the round hit

yeah totally legit story

>>32204202

Fuck I didn't know that. Is it time to take a break?

>>32205232
It's obviously multiple rounds, he just didn't see the first flash that made a noise.

>>32205232
What would it be? Flash first, then it hitting the tree? Or hear the tree first then the light? I have no idea where the, "whizz" would be. Honestly I'm afraid to ask because of the direction of the thread.

>>32203040

Aaaannnndddd this is why I'm not getting married while enlisted (or ever) and why I break up with whatever chick I'm with if I have to be gone for a while.

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>>32205165
>recruit training
>wake up at 0205 to piss
>some fucker is jacking off behind stall curtains
>Hear him giggle how no one will ever know
>I hate this place

>>32205440
>recruit training
>wake up at 0206 because it's the second person to be loud as fuck walking to the toilets to jack off
>walk over to his bed and jack off on his pillow

>>32204843

Six males for every one female, 10% of those being lesbians.

Pussy is a prized commodity, they've got the supply and the demand is huge.

>>32201391
What kind of quarters do junior officers get? Do they get their own rooms or do they have to share rooms with others?

>>32204648
>im out
>lol girl

>>32204699
no thats just common courtesy dude.
i bet you do other fucked up shit too, if you think fuckin some dudes wife (reguardles if their in the military or not) isnt a bad thing, your a fuckin douche.

>>32205107
yea....okay.

>>32205619
So if I don't fuck a girl, do I get my white knight badge? Is it like a merit badge? Can I get a sash to wear them on?
You're putting too much faith in them. If they CHOOSE to do it and be unfaithful with their body, fuck em.

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>>32205467
>recruit training
>wake up at 0207
>see some fucker jacking off on his friends pillow.
>He is smelling his used under wear
>Why did I enlist?

>>32205642
you need to be rewarded for not doing something bad?
>how i know youre a millenial

if faggots like you wernt out there knowingly fuckin married chicks then it wouldent be an issue.

honestly i just feel really bad for those joes who come home and the entire time their (insert whatever here) has been cheating, and they act like everything was normal.

thats fucked dude. just wait, you will get married one day, and then you will understand and be like "wow i was such a cock bag as a kid".

im done, go be a jody idc.

>>32201070
Used to beat off after every patrol. Would ask for a buddy CPL I, which had the best porn, and take it to the wag bag latrines for a poop and wank. That said I at least made jelly fish outside of of sight. While we were in a nice base with bunk bed racks, my rack mate would beat off in his sleeping bag BEFORE everyone went to sleep. Dunno if he thought we didn't notice but it was gross and creepy.

>>32201665
I've taken dumps longer than 20 minutes.

>>32201070
>TFW you'll never beat off to the sounds of a porn while looking through the Thermal sights on an LAV-25 at 1 am.

>>32205678
I mean, if I'm forcing them to fuck me that'd be bad, but it's their own free will dude. Cunts will do cunt things.

>>32201070
>curtains in bootcamp shitter
>everyone can see what your doing
>blue balls so bad your fapping anyway
>struggling so hard to get deep enough into your fantasy to ignore the noise 4 feet from you
>ends up being amazing scrap
>clean up
>3 minutes later, division IT for 50 minutes

>>32205107
How do you just find hookers and shit when you're in foreign countries? You just walk around in your uniforms to bars and the women come or what?

>>32205780
The announcements about division IT over the 1MC were the worst

>>32203195
>yanks are useless

We had a great time fighting in ww2

>Not getting bottom bunk so you can put up sheets and make your own spank tank.

>>32201619
why would the buffer have yeast on it?

>be me in tech school, air force
>room mate and I are lazy as fuck and don't go out ever
>one morning he takes off to get breakfast, i tell him i'll be along, want to call my girlfriend
>he leaves and i grab my dick, it feels almost foreign it's been so long since i jerked it
>not even 1m later he busts through the door saying "Left my fucking wallet--Elliot are you..?"
>froze in place with my dick out
>he moves closer
>he gets down and sucks my cock
>he was bigger than me and i was scared he'd hurt me if I stopped him
>but he was so gentle
>came very quickly and he swallowed my load like a champ
>i go to reach for his dick
>"Fuck off Elliot, I'm not getting my dick sucked by a faggot."

Never happened again, wish it did.

>>32201619
Lol thats not how you get a yeast infection.

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>>32205852
>spank tank
I swear I hear the funniest fucking words on /k/ out of all the other boards I've ever been on.

>>32205827
My RDC just ran around screaming at us with his Filipino accent and slapping a bamboo stick against the ground to scare us into pushing out more 8-counts.

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Storytime about college
>Come to college
>Still be virgin
>Begin thinking that I'll be a wizard for the rest of my life
>Haven't fapped in 2 weeks
>Download Tinder for shits and giggles
>1 week later go to dumb college slut's dorm, sucks me off, and then fuck the shit out of her for an hour
FEELSGOODMAN.jpg

>>32205596
Look up what a BOQ is.

They make a Holiday Inn look nice. The newer ones even have a (hotel tier old hispanic) housekeeper.

>>32201968
Mothafucking this.
>supposed to meet up with a group of IA to do a vehicle checkpoint
>as usual, they're like, 8 hours late for a 4 hour op
>sitting in gun truck turret, bro is TC, LT decided he wanted to pretend he was driving (LT is normally TC and my bro SPC drives), figured he couldn't fuck anything up if we're not moving
>hour 3 into 8-hour wait, LT decides to take a shit, is gone like forever
>comes back halfway through me jerking it, pants around my ankles, ofc I had it pointed at driver's door as a courtesy to my bro in passenger seat (dick's still like, 5" from his face)
>LT: WTF man, couldn't you do that before we left?
>I did LT, what the fuck else am I supposed to do sitting on a fucking bridge for 8 hours but not allowed to sleep?
>LT: Well fucking put it away. No jacking it while I'm in the truck!
>yes sir (you're a cunt sir)
>LT immediately goes to sleep, must've been a good shit
>IMMEDIATELY resume jacking it with fervor
>bust a nut all over his helmet while he's still wearing it

>>32203698
If I pick up a girl for the night, I don't go and let her in on all of my personal business, and I don't listen to any of hers. I just fuck and go home in the morning.

pro tip: never let casual pick-ups know where you live.

>>32205335
Flash first because the speed of light is fastest
Then the bullet because its supersonic meaning faster than sound
Then the sound

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>>32205965
>air force

>>32205965
YOOH NIGGUH

YOUSE GAY NOW NIGGUH

SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

>>32205671
>recruit training
>can't sleep
>try to relieve the pressure
>every time I'm close some guy complains about the asshole jerking off on a pillow

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>>32201383
>sloppy mess

>>32206117
So what happened when he woke up and saw the jizz?

>>32202286

Nah - that's just him. Yet another Finnfag here. Conscripts typically get weekend pass several times a month (varies from unit to another a bit, but we had usually 3 out of 4 weekends free, so one can take care of matters outside garrison. In addition there is evening pass, which allows existing the base for evening (6 PM - 12 PM?), but unless one has girlfriend living nearby, chances of finding a willing female in a few hours from any town near a garrison is basically near zero. Fucking or fapping while in service (read: in garrison or rehearsals in the woods) is banned in standing regulations, so being caught could potentially result serious trouble - although I suspect that grand majority of officers would rather prefer to look the other way in such situation.

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>>32201106
>ants

>>32203827
When are you gonna finish "Dating a Magma Grunt?"

>>32203698
Beating off while your girlfriend sexts you is helping someone cheat? Huh?

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>>32203827
>>mfw i was called snail until i graduated from training

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>>32206463
>recruit training
>be on firewatch
>see assholes walk back and forth to the bathroom to jack off
>see one guy get up and jack off on another guys bed
>watch one guy watch the other guy jack off on the other guys bed
>see some guy trying to jack off frustrated at the guy watching the guy jack of on the other guys bed

>>32206623
This explanation and the other response only reinforce my statement on Finns being autistic.

>>32206691
I've been waiting for that too.

>>32203698
You can't entirely blame them for taking advantage of the fact that military spouses/gfs are universally unfaithful sluts

Anyone who chooses to date or marry when they're in the military is an idiot

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>>32206757
>be monitoring cameras
>guy grabs lotion and walks to the bathroom
>other guy wiping his hand on his undies, looking kinda sweaty walks out
>obviously annoyed guy jerks off on some dudes pillow
>some guy across from him is trying to jerk off but he keeps talking about how he can't stay hard because of him
>another faggot is trying to jerk off next to the guy complaining about the pillow guy
>Every time the guy across from pillow boy pipes up the other jerker sighs
>firewatch is jerking off with a disgusted look on his face
>sigh and unzip my pants

>>32205642
>I have the opportunity to do something therefore it is morally justified
>Lol stupid old lady shouldn't have been walking the streets at night if she didn't want to get raped
>So if I don't fuck the grandma, do I get my white knight badge?

What are you a 13 year old anarchist?

>>32207122
fuckin spot on
lmao
kid probably got turned down by MEPS
don't worry, the hedonistic little shit will never have a happy or stable marriage and his kids will hate him
>implying he's not just some edgy 15yo with nothing better to do on a saturday night

>>32201968
That was beautifully written.

>>32207122
>woman asks you to fuck
>No m'lady you are in a committed relationship you cannot do such debauchery
Do you follow her around thwarting would be suitors? Please tell me you do, I want to find a news report about it.

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>>32206943
>be flying reaper drone from comfy base in US
>fly over a base for shits and giggles
>zoom in on room
>see a bunch of soldiers jerking off and looking mad at each other
>quickly unzoom and bomb a sandnigger encampment
>have a job well done wank

>>32207191
ebic neckbeard meme bro

also I like how you're acting like you're some alpha male god while arguing why it's ok to fuck desperate women

>>32207256
What the fuck are you on about? What front? Seriously, do you follow dependents and scare off suitors? Cause, that's hilarious.

>>32207265
what the fuck are you even talking about?

>>32207271
Yeah, no, you threw out the implications first buddy, either ask again sans dick in mouth so I can understand or walk away.

>>32202005
I'm not jacking off yet, still doing butt stuff

>>32207265
I think it's this rhetorical questioning thing you do that makes you sound dumb. I recognize you're doing it to try to sound smart or clever, but you just come off like a little arrogant shit who isn't old enough to remember 9/11.
>What the fuck are you on about? What front?
>Do you follow her around thwarting would be suitors?
>So if I don't fuck a girl, do I get my white knight badge? Is it like a merit badge? Can I get a sash to wear them on?
If you were as much of an alpha as you think you are, why've you been on 4chan for the past 3 hours?

>>32207291
When the fuck did I claim I was an alpha? Man you're just full of implications and assumptions tonight aren't you? It's hilarious. Also, best way to study for finals without leaving your brains on the floor is to shitpost and read articles online.

>>32207308
I'm not >>32207256
Jody is the most alpha male. So alpha that he fucks the women of alphas. This is implied through the fact that you claim to be a Jody, but since you take pride in it, staunchly defend you're on the moral high ground, and the fact that you supposedly get regular wife pussy. Now you're backing down like a little bitch and you're doing more of that
>Man you're just full of implications and assumptions tonight aren't you?
Rhetorical question that every little guy loves to do.
>Wow, look at me guys! look at how I'm outsmarting this guy!
Fuck I wish the bars didn't close at 2

>>32207308
Your internet tough-guy tone implies a huge ego
>Man you're just full of implications and assumptions tonight aren't you? It's hilarious.

Also >>32207291 isn't me

>>32207338
I never claimed to be alpha?????????
Jesus, fucking girls =/= alpha status. Don't set your standards based on what /r9k/ tells you. All you have to do is: be interesting, look somewhat alright (at least in the dark), and don't talk retarded.
If someone want's to have sex with me willingly under their own power and ability, who am I to judge? Congrats, she had fun and will probably never see you again. She doesn't care about my personal life and I don't care about hers. It's as simple as that.

>>32207343
What tough guy act? Seriously? Where have I had this alleged dick swinging contest? Show me please.

>>32207370
I don't know how to cite something more directly than a quote

>>32207374
Neat, point out the post and I'll won't even ask you to use MLA.

>>32207387
I had a quote in >>32207343

>>32207406
Wait, are you assuming banter is internet tough-guy talk? You'll have to excuse me for a minute.

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>>32207387

>>32207420
Banter is insults and the like.

example: you're a pretentious fuckdick

You have this smug superiority that manifests in dryly stating how something is funny and asking things of people (among other things).

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>>32207473
>smug
Wow, yeah ok. Let me share a joke with you.
>So Mr. Mouse, let me get this straight, you wanted to divorce your wife because she was extremely silly?
>No goddamnit, I said she was fucking Goofy!
Now, you can take that to all your friends and have a grand time somewhere else.

>>32204942
CARLOS

>>32206040
STABBER THAT GUN GRABBER

>>32203924
We are number one.

>>32203275
underrated post

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RIP this thread. It was once funny.

>>32205785
To honest with you, I'm not even sure if they were hookers or if they were local girls using a bunch of drunk Americans for free drinks and then fuckin' us for the hell of it or whatever.

Shit is strange over there in South East Asia,

>>32202884
i'm calling bullshit on like 90% of your post

If you catch someone fucking your wife that gives you permission to fuck them too right?

>>32207212

>be CIA IMGINT collections watching satellite feed
>notice USAF reaper loitering over some base
>check their feed
>he's jerking off watching a bunch of boots jerk off on each other
>mfw they made us give up our drone program to these people

>>32204793
You have to be 18 to post here.

ITT butthurt military cucks pretending their cum slut wives and girlfriends aren't cucking them

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>>32205165
>>32205440
>>32205467
>>32205671
>>32206463
>>32206757
>>32206943
>>32207212
>>32209244

This thread !

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WX8ZeZJqOE0

>>32205929

You're a fucking idiot.

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>>32206117
>be inna sinai MFO, south camp
> 8 on 16 off force pro tower duty for 1/4 of the deployment while we werent 8 on 16 off tower duty out at OPs or getting hammered @ the hungarian bar on the fob
"no phones allowed in towers, we'll be watching, SGM will be sneaking around, article 15s, etc."
>bring phone into tower, beat my dick raw for literally 6 months time total of those 9 months
>shit in a trash bag and toss it directly out the firing port right before tower change
>our entire company is foaming at the mouth for months in a genuine effort to uncover the mystery of the shit bandit
>mfw

>>32207280

Telling somebody on the Internet to walk away.

>>32207387

>And I won't even ask you to use MLA

Hahaha, you pretentious little fuck. I can just see you, now.

You're trying so hard that I can visualize you.

What a fucking faggot.

>>32207506

Was that supposed to be funny? Was that supposed to make you sound like some kind of genius tough-guy sort of guy?

When do you turn 19?

>>32202823
it's something you learn by the end of week 2 in basic and master by the end of week 3

but you wouldnt know about that, would you sir?

>>32211593
I mean, takes one to know one hoss.

>>32201070
Sorry in advance if I'm going off topic. I'm a hospital side corpsman here and I'm going up for my next orders soon.
Can I request orders to a specific unit? I would love to go to a LAR battalion but I'm not entirely sure how that works. I'd ask my coc but most of them are Army and don't really know.

>>32211641

Wow, you sure showed me with that clever and original retort!

However will I show my face around these here parts ever again?!

Dankly memed, bro.

>>32211660
Hey, I don't have a dog in this fight. I just wanted to let you know running around calling people faggots left and right doesn't really help your case.

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>>32211679
>>32211660
>>32211641
>>32211610
>>32211593
>>32211537
>>32211199
>literal circlejerk in a jerk story thread

>>32211679

I wasn't the guy making the case, I just joined in. So, eat my dick.

Besides, I wouldn't hold being a fag against him. In the right circumstances, might not blame him for helping to ruin marriages.

I do blame him for being a pretentious faggot.

Does anyone have the story of the guy who jacked off on a carrier deck ?

>>32211870
K?

>>32201070

I've nutted on the missile tubes of a SSGN a few times.

>>32211884

K

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>>32201949
>used tampons from the bin but almost puked when I smelled and took a lick.

>>32201070
Super skinny fingers. Navy. Vaccume in the corner.... Army 11B here, dude beat off literally anywhere. Overseas I jerked off in towers, porta shitters, and in the back of a 5 ton. Just stop being a pussy and caring if you get caught.

>>32201278

Why wouldn't you put the buffer back in

Like it's a integral part if the gun put it back in and masturbate with it later

>>32201949
holy fuck dude

>>32201247

>inna bct
>ds finds a group of girls having sex/masturbating in tbe shower
>the guys were more wondering how they had a sex drive when we haven't had an erection in 2 months

Never heard of anyone using a buffer as a sex toy though.

>another platoon had a gay soldier
>got caught looking at the other men in the shower
>somebody calls him faggot
>ds find outs
>entire company gets smoked because we shouldn't treat a gay soldier any different

I was okay with being smoked because there was a homophobe in his platoon. Don't talk shit about your fellow soldiers desu

This thread.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-LksYTLJpVE&t=136s