Cold War jokes thread lads >Deep 50's. Two american

>Minor party meeting in a backwater town in Russia. The local chairman speaks: "...And I am certain, that in ten years we will have true communism. Not only in Russia, not only in the entire Soviet Union, but in the entire world!" He is interrupted by a voice from the audience: "I am not scared, fucker! I have cancer!"

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stierlitz

In the Reich Chancellery cantina a line waits for the daily dinner. Suddenly Stierlitz strolls in, goes to the front of the line and gets his food. Himmler, Goebbels and Goring look in awe, outraged. Yet, how could they know that pregnant women and those awarded with Hero of the Soviet Union medal are served first?

>Hitler discusses war plans in his HQ. Stierlitz walks in with a basket of oranges, takes out his pocket camera, takes pictures of the maps and walks out. "Who the fuck is this guy? What does that mean?!" Hitler screams. "It's Stierlitz, Soviet spy, mein Fuhrer."/ "Well, arrest him then!"/ "No point. He will just say he brought oranges."

>Stierlitz comes to work drunk, in pissed trousers and his uniform unbuttoned. On 23 February, the day of the Red Army, he wants to look and feel like a true Russian officer.

>Stierlitz comes to Cafe Elefant and orders beer. They are out. Vodka? - Out. Wine? - out. Any liquor? - Out. That is when Stierlitz knew the Moscow connection arrived day earlier than expected.

>Stierlitz comes into Schellenberg's office and says: "Parteigenosse, I report that in Bormann's safe I found two bottles of Soviet vodka!". What, Issayev, you think you are the only one who is homesick for motherland?"

Wow old Soviet jokes were really profound

I'm from ex-Yugoslavia and only jokes we ever had were about Bosnians. Can't remember anything political tbqh

“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.

“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.

“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”


Two guards spot a man skulking around the Kremlin.

"Stop! Who goes there? Documents!" He shouts.

The frightened person chaotically rummages through his pockets and drops a paper. The guard picks it up and reads it.

"Urine Analysis...

“Hmm... a foreigner, sounds like," says the other guard.

Then the first guard reads further: "'Proteins: none, Sugars: none, Fats: none...”

“You are free to go, proletarian comrade,” says the second guard.


An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet-Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland." When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests. The painting depicts Lenin's wife naked in bed with Leon Trotsky.

"But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" Asks one of the guests.

"Lenin is in Poland," replies the painter.
"Granddaughter, please explain Communism to me,” an old Russian woman asks her granddaughter. “How will people live under it? They probably teach you all about it in school."

"Of course they do, Granny,” her granddaughter responds. “When we reach Communism, the shops will be full – there'll be butter, and meat, and sausage…you'll be able to go and buy anything you want..."

"Ah!" exclaimed the old woman joyfully. "Just like under the Tsar!"


These are copy-pasted off the internet.
I once found a tumblr full of this stuff, and good ones too, but it seems to have closed.

>a chekist is interrogating a man
>where were you born?
>St. Petersburg
>where did you go to school?
>Petrograd
>where do you live now?
>Leningrad
>[the chekist grows angry] and where do you want to die?
>St. Petersburg

an American and a Russian are talking, the American says: free speech in America is great! If I wanted to I could stand right in front of the White House and yell "down with Reagan!" and not be punished
the Russian says: ahh, we have freedom of speech in Russia too! At any time I could stand in the center of Red Square, and yell "down with Reagan!" and I too would not be punished

why do Soviet police work in teams of 3?
one to do the reading, one to do the writing, and a third to make sure the two intellectuals don't start any trouble

Marshall Zhukov leaves Stalin's office muttering "that murderous mustache!" under his breath
a secretary hears this and reports it to Stalin
Stalin calls Marshall Zhukov back
who did you mean by "murderous mustache"?
why of course I meant Hitler, comrade general secretary
Stalin dismisses Zhukov and calls the secretary back
and who did YOU think he meant?

During the great purge three prisoners, newly captured by the secret police, were thrown into the same Lubyanka prison cell.

Once things settled down, one prisoners asked another prisoner, 'so what trouble did you get into?'

The other prisoner said, 'I praised Karl Radek at a recent party meeting and they arrested me.'

The first prisoner was shocked. He said, 'but I was arrested for denouncing Karl Radek!'

They then noticed that the third prisoner hasn't said a word yet. So they ask him why he was taken to prison.

The third man said, 'my circumstances are slightly different from yours, comrades. You see, I didn't praise or denounce Karl Radek; I am Karl Radek!'

>>3307401
Lol that's a classic

FBI, CIA and KGB have a contest to find who can most effectively find fugitives
the 3 teams are assigned a rabbit that has been released into a forest and asked to find it in 72 hours
the FBI brings in the most modern equipment and techniques available, and finds their rabbit in 50 hours
the CIA attempts to find the rabbit, but realizes their running out of time, so after 70 hours they call in an airstrike on the forest and declare the rabbit KIA
after 10 hours in the forest, the KGB team emerges with a badly injured bear screaming "I swear I'm a rabbit, I'll tell you anything you want to know!"

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>>3307430
Post the image fag

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Radio_Yerevan_jokes

They had great one liners

>Radio Yerevan was asked: Is it true that the capitalist world is on the edge of collapse? Radio Yerevan answered: It is, comrade! And as always, the Soviet Union is one step ahead
>The Armenian Radio was asked: "Is it true that the poet Mayakovsky shot himself?" The Armenian Radio answered: "Yes, it is true, because his last words were Don't shoot, comrades!"
>Radio Yerevan was asked: "Could an atomic bomb destroy the beautiful city of Yerevan?" Radio Yerevan answered: "In principle, yes. But Moscow is by far a more beautiful city."
>Radio Yerevan was asked: Why did they establish a Ministry of Navy in landlocked Armenia. Do you have a sea? Radio Yerevan answered: To spite Azerbaijan. They established a Ministry of Culture.
>Radio Yerevan was asked: What is the socialist friendship of nations? Radio Yerevan answered: It's when Armenians, Russians, Ukrainians, and all other peoples of the USSR unite in a brotherly manner and all together set out to beat up the Azeris.

On the meeting in the american embassy US ambassador says that there is a wizard in Alabama and he can resurrect the dead. Molotov answers unperturbed that there is a runner in the USSR who can run faster than an airplane. Nikita Khrushchev finds out about the conversation and appoints a meeting with Molotov.
What if they'll ask us to show that miracle runner?
We will ask them to show their necromancer first.
And if they will show him?
We'll ask him to resurrect someone... Stalin for example.
And if he'll resurrect him?
Than it'll be you, Nikita, who will run faster than a plane.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mN3z3eSVG7A

>>3307456
these are gold.
This thread is great!

How did all political jokes in the Eastern Bloc start?
>with looking over your shoulder

>>3307228
>I once found a tumblr full of this stuff, and good ones too, but it seems to have closed.
Of course it has, like half of tumblr shut down after the takeover.

Who were the 17 first communists?
Adam and Eve, as they were naked and lived in Paradise. The three wise men, because they followed a star. And the twelve apostles, since they taught yet didn't know how to read or write.

>>3307438
Epic.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lenin_was_a_mushroom

>>3307456
>Radio Yerevan is asked: What is the difference between a revelation and a miracle?
>Radio Yerevan answers: if Jesus appears in front of the Central Committee to solve economic problems, it is a revelation. If the Central Committee does something by itself, it is a miracle.

>>3307539
Question for Radio Yerevan: "Does heaven have socialism?"
>Answer: "Don't be stupid, what kind of heaven would that be?"

Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev are all riding on a luxurious state train towards the Proletarian Utopia. Suddenly the train screeches to a halt, the tracks are out.
"Perhaps we can call out the local peasantry to fix the tracks for us," Lenin suggests.
"Fuck the peasants!" Stalin snaps. He sticks his head out the window and shouts up at the engine, "If this train doesn't start moving, the entire crew will be shot!"
"We should tear up the tracks behind us and lay them in front," says Khrushchev.
"Comrades, please!" slurs Brezhnev. "Let's just draw the curtains, put on some music and pretend we are still going!"

When we have daytime, America has nighttime.
>Serves those bourgeoisie scum right!

>>3307550

You forgot the punch line.

Eventually Gorbachev suggests "let's get out and push".

>Khrushchev visited a pig farm and was photographed there. In the newspaper office, a discussion is underway about how to caption the picture. "Comrade Khrushchev among pigs," "Comrade Khrushchev and pigs," and "Pigs surround comrade Khrushchev" are all rejected. Finally, the editor announces his decision: "Third from left – comrade Khrushchev."

a man walks into a store and asks "you don't have any fish do you?"
the clerk replies "no, this is a butcher shop, we don't have any meat"

>One day Stalin was at his office and is looking for his cigarettes in his pocket only to find nothing. He then calls Comrade Beria (chief of the NKVD) and tells him "Someone stole my cigarettes, I want you to find him" to which Beria replies "Absolutely comrade Stalin"... Later that day when Stalin returns to his office from an inspection he reaches his coat's inner pocket finding his pack of cigarettes. He rushes to the phone to call Beria telling him "Abort operation comrade Beria, I have found my cigarettes"
Astounded Beria replies "This cannot be!" Stalin surprised asks "Why?" to which Beria says "We have already found 40.000 suspects of which 15.000 did admit their crime, 10.000 died during interrogation and 15.000 are still being interrogated!"

>>3307570
The version I was told has Gorby tell them they were going the wrong way, before Yeltsin runs the train off the tracks.

Sign at Soviet army mess hall: Please do not drop food on floor, rats have been found poisoned
-
An American and a Russian arrive in hell at the same time and the devil gives them a choice: American hell or Russian hell. What's the difference? they ask. In American hell you have to eat one bucket of shit a day and you're with Americans, in Russian hell you have to eat two buckets of shit a day but you're with Russians. The American chooses American hell, the Russian chooses Russian hell.

A week later they meet up and the American smirks. "Well, how are two buckets of shit a day?"

The Russian shrugs. "Well, it's Russian hell, it's just like home! Either the shit's not delivered, or there's not enough for everybody!"

>>3307160
I know a few. For clarification, Montenegrins are stereotyped as lazy, Slovenians as sophisticated and uptight, Bosnians as hardheaded, Serbians as overly proud, Croats as Austrian stable boys.

A tourist comes across two Montenegrins laying under a pear tree with their mouths open. He asks "What are you doing?"

"Waiting to eat."

"Damn that's lazy. Which one of you is lazier? I'll give the lazier one five bucks."

One Montenegrin extends his hand into the air, waiting for money. The other says "Put it in my pocket."
-
An expedition consisting of an American, a German, and two Serbs (unlikely as that is) lands on Mars. The American jumps out, plants his flag, and says "This was only possible using American money, so Mars is ours!"

The German jumps out, plants his flag, and says "This was only possible using German engineering, so Mars is ours!"

The two Serbs jump out and plant their flag. One pulls a gun, shoots the other, and says "Serbian blood has been spilled here, Mars is Serbia forever!"

Oh yeah, and this isn't even getting into Hase and Huse jokes.
>>3307679
A Bosnian and a Croat go to the train station and are waiting in a crowded line. The train starts to move and suddenly a Serb shoves them aside and runs for the train. They sprint after him and while the Croat is fast, the Bosnian is faster and jumps on. The Croat falters and almost makes it, but the Bosnian kicks him back and the train goes by.

The Serb pants "Who was that crazy guy? Fighting to get on the train!"

The Croat shakes his head, looking confused. "He just drove me here, it wasn't even his train!"
-
A Bosnian and Slovenian are on a train through the Alps and are offered a complementary apple. There are two to pick from and the Slovenian politely lets the Bosnian pick first. The Bosnian picks the bigger apple.

After a few minutes holding his silence the Slovene starts an argument over why the Bosnian took the bigger apple. "So you would have taken the smaller one to be polite, if you chose first?" the Bosnian asks.

"Yes!" the Slovene says. "It's the civilized thing to do!"

The Bosnian shrugs. "So either way you get the smaller apple!"

>>3307689
A Bosnian, Serb, and Croat go to Saudi Arabia on vacation, get wasted on rakija, and fight the police. They're brought before the stern judge. "Though you are citizens of foreign nations, you came here and blatantly disregarded our laws. But because you are foreigners, I shall only punish you with fifty lashes each, and you shall have one wish each in regards to the punishment. The Bosnian gets two wishes, since he's a Muslim like us."

The Croat goes first and asks for a pillow to be tied across his back. After ten lashes the pillow is in ribbons and he gets forty raw strokes across the back. They carry him away, bleeding and almost insensible.

The Serb wishes for three pillows and the same thing happens, so he only gets twenty raw lashes. They guide him away, in pain but still conscious.

The Bosnian says "Two wishes, huh?" and thinks and thinks and thinks, until the impatient judge demands the wishes and punishment. The Bosnian gulps. "Okay judge. I want...one hundred strokes of the whip." The courtroom gasps, why would he double his punishment? "And I want you to tie...the Serb, very tightly, to my back."

Somewhat related, I've hears it claimed that this acctually happened, though I've also heard it's just an urban legend

>at the height of the space race NASA has now successfully put a man in orbit around Earth
>everything is going smoothly, but they soon realise that the lack of gravity means that their ballpoint pens no longer work, rendering it impossible for the brave astronauts to note down the many important discoveries that are made
>said and done, two years and $200 million dollars of R&D later they now have a perfectly hermetically sealed pen, with a production cost of $10000 a piece, that can not only perform it's task in zero gravity, but also under several hundred atmospheres of pressure and at nearly 100 kelvin
>the soviets meanwhile used a pencil

>>3307544
>"Dear Radio Yerevan, can you establish a communist state in Sahara?"
>"Of course, but you need to account for the sand shortages."

>>3307709
The pen was developed privately by Bic (I think? It may have been a different corporation) and NASA just bought them to use. Plus the graphite in pencils can break off or leave dust floating around the cabin of the spacecraft, which is really bad considering all the delicate instruments and the fact that graphite is conductive.

>>3307709
It's really dangerous to use pencils in space since graphite dust can get into electric installations and cause short circuits.

USA v USSR car race. USA car wins by 100 lengths.

Pravda headline: USSR car comes in second, USA car comes in next to last.

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10/10 thread. Keep it coming, Zizek. Have any pertaining to Finland, out of interest?

>>3307065
This is a story my grandfather told me, I have no idea if it's actually true or not.

>Lived in Brooklyn at the time.
>As a young boy, since he spoke Yiddish, Russian, and English, he worked at this job helping immigrants from the Russian Empire (moslty in what's now Ukraine) get language lessons, find jobs, find synagogues, general integration stuff.
>One particular fellow was from this little shtetl (Jewish hamlet) in the ass end of nowhere.
>Grandpa helps him line up a job in Manhattan, but warns him it's a big city, not at all like where he lived most of his life.
>Guy asks how many jews live in Manhattan.
>Oh, maybe 80,000, it's a big city.
>Wow, 80,000 jews. I never saw such a thing, an entire Jewish city, a real city.
>Well, it's not a Jewish city. There are a lot of gentiles, maybe a million.
>Guy gets this perplexed look on his face, and then asks "How do they all find work? You can't have that many shabbos goyim for so few Jews."

>>3307570
>>3307635
The version I heard continued like

>Gorbachev decides to get out and search for help, but Yeltsin gets them hopelessly lost
>they both look behind them and see Putin wandering off, they ask him what he's doing and he says "fuck you guys, I'm going back to the train"

>>3307789
Not strictly cold war related, but since you ask
(freely translated from swedish)

15C - as warm as it gets in Finland, the Spanish start to wear hats and gloves, finns sun bathe

10C - the French are desperately trying to fire up the central heating in their homes, Finns are sowing in the garden

5C - Italian cars won't start, Finns are driving around with the sun roof down

0C - destilled water freezes, the Vaana flows a little slower

-5C - Californians start freezing to death, Finns hold the last barbecue before winter sets in

-10C - the English turn on the heating in their houses - Finns put on a long sleeved shirt

-20C - Australians are fleeing to Thailand, Finns start to dry their washed clothes indoors

-40C - houses in Paris are cracking from the cold, the finnish army postpones it's winter survival course

-70C - Korvatunturi freezes to death, Finns stay in and watch a movie

-273C - all atom basked movement ceases, Finns start greeting each other with "perked it's cold out

-300C - hell freezes over, a Finn is truly happy

Two burglars break into a building, only to find it empty.

One says to the other "Anatoli you idiot this is grocery store"

>Why do Jaruzelski's troops shoot at workers?
>Because the socialist system targets only the working folk

>Why does Jaruzelski always sit in the first row while watching a movie in a cinema?
>At least then he wants to have the people behind his back

>An ambulance comes for two policemen injured in clashes with protesting workers. A women sees that and weeps. A man asks her "Why do you cry for them, you stupid bitch?"
She answers: "How could you not cry, when there is a place for five of them and they only take two?"

>>3307942
lmao

>Why no communists play hide and seek?
>Because they know that when they hide, no one will seek.

>How to get rid of mice quickly?
>Write "Kolhoz" over the mousehole. Half runs away, the other half starves to death.

>A child is at school and says "My cat had eight kittens, they are all communists." The teacher is happy.
>The next week, thr child says "The kittens are all capitalists now."
>"How can that be, you said they were all communists?"
>"Well, yesterday they opened their eyes."

>Two Red Army soldiers are standing guard on a street, with the order to shoot anyone who's out past curfew.
>They notice a man walking on the other side of the street. One of the guards raises his rifle and shoots the man immediately.
>The other asks, "Why did you do that?! It's five minutes until curfew!"
>The soldier replies, "I knew the man. He lives ten minutes away, he wouldn't have made it home in time!"

>A Soviet elementary teacher is leading her classroom on a nature hike when they see a rabbit on the path.
>"Now, class, can you tell us what that animal is? You've heard about it in plenty of the stories you've read..."
>One of the children runs up to it. "So THAT's what you look like, Comrade Lenin!"

>They say that this generation will not live to see communism realized.
>However, our children... our poor children!

>A Russian dies and goes to Hell. Satan puts him in a lake of fire, but he rejoices and cries out "I'll be warm forever!"
>So, Satan puts him in an ocean, but the man rejoices once more and yells "I'll never be thirsty again!"
>Finally, Satan traps the man in a lake of ice, but the man celebrates even louder and says "Hell is frozen over! Russia will be prosperous forever!"

>A woman goes to a Lada dealer, puts down payment for a car, and asks when the next shipment will be in.
>The dealer replies, "The next shipment will be available for pickup in ten years, three months, and eight days."
>"Will that be in the morning or the afternoon?"
>"Why does it matter?"
>"The plumber comes in the morning."

>>3307401
On a similar note:
>Three factory workers are arrested and are waiting together in the back of a KGB van.
>The first says, "I came in to work five minutes late every day, so they accused me of being an American saboteur."
>The second says, "I came in to work five minutes early every day, so they accused me of being an American spy."
>The third says, "I came in to work on time every day, so they accused me of having an American watch."

>how does a Polish sandwich look like?
>one meat coupon between two bread coupons

>One Russian is asking the other "Have we reached full communism yet? Have we achieved Lenin's dream?"
>The other says "Oh, no. Things are gonna get a lot worse."

>A woman walks into a shop and asks "Do you have any meat?"
>The owner says "No, you've got the wrong place, we don't have any bread. Next door they don't have any meat."

A factory worker and his wife are lying in bed when they hear a window breaking and footsteps

They're absolutely terrified, but then a voice calls out from the darkness "don't worry, we are just robbers"

>>3307228
>Lennin is in Poland
kek

>>3307065
show original pic pls

>>3307336
The second one would work equally well with Trump instead of Reagan.

>>3307065

Please translate this I'm dying even though i have no idea what it's about

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>>3309031
From bottom left in counter-clockwise direction

>Mister colonel, water is really warm! If you are cold, a glass of French Cognac perhaps?

>Hehe. Pole and Russki: like two cousins, both to pussy and to bottle xD [play at https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pole_and_Hungarian_cousins_be]

>Doctor, fuck. Anything the pool. I am still a bit hungover xD

>Who wants to play with my titties? xD

>Jerzy jump, water's great! P.S. check out her tits xD

>Yes, sir!

>To the Hotel! Pronto! Pick up my lover from Stanisławów on the way!

>Positive, Major!

The whole thing is a parody of a PATRIOTIC painting depicting Katyń massacre which was improved by the lovely anons from karachan.org

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>>3308634
oh I found it

This thread is great.

>>3309139

lmao thanks man

>a Ukrainian man is cleaning his rifle in the woods
>suddenly his wife runs up
>"the Russians have gone into space!"
>"all of them?"
>"no"
>he starts cleaning his rifle again

>an old lady is drawing water from a well
>her children died in the war
>her husband died in the purge
>her parents died in the famine
>as she hobbles home, a jet swoops down low and she falls into the mud
>she points at the jet and smiles
>"look how big and powerful I am!"

>a group of workers at a washing machine factory steal parts to build one at the apartment complex for themselves
>however, no matter how hard they try, the parts keep making a T-55

>>3307789
>Lewenhaupt, why did you surrender at Perevolochna without a fight?
>The last Finns died at Poltava.

>>3308079
Soviet watches are fine, i have one, it's pretty classy.

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>>3307065
>SINO-POLISH BORDER

>>3307065
>Bce бyдeт кyкypyзoй

My Russian is admittedly pretty shit, but this makes no sense. "All will be of cakes?"

>>3307461
>wizard
>alabama
checks out

>>3307758
>>3307760
>taking a joke this literally

>>3307461
There are wizards in alabama just not the magic kind

My favourite is when there was a poster "With Soviet union for time eternal" and someone added "and not a second longer"

>Brezhnev talks with one of his assistants
>You see Yuri, I really hate timezones, this one time I called American president and he was sleeping
>Or when I called my friend in Vladivostok and he was in work
>But worst was when I called Vatican to send condolences over the Popes death and Pope took it

>>3310019
All will be corn

>>3310109
It wasn't meant as joke at first, though.

>>3310209
You fucked up the pope joke. It refers to a real event, shooting of John Paul II in 1981. Pope survived and it was rumoured that KGB and/or Bulgarian secret police were involved.

>>3310221
Doesn't undermine the comedic timing so idk why it needs an 'ackutually' reply.

>>3310109
The purpose of a joke is to share facts and wisdom in a humorous way.

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>>3310846
No it is to make people laugh, nothing more nothing less

>>3307789
Back in the day soviet authorities were so worried about misbehavior among Finnish booze tourists that the authorities managed to get comrade Brezhnev himself to bring out the topic during Kekkonen's next visit to the USSR. When Kekkonen heard about these accusations he got upset and replied:
-Bullshit! There are thousand times more drunk soviets out there than drunk Finnish tourists.
When Brezhnev heard this he pulled out a nagant revolver from his desk drawer and said:
-You've my permission to shoot the first drunk Russian you find.
So Kekkonen left the Kremlin and soon he wandered the streets of Moscow, looking for a drunkard to shoot. It didn't take long for him to find a man who was so drunk that he could barely stand, Kekkonen took aim, shot the man dead, and then returned to Kremlin. Next day Pravda's headlines wrote:
-Drunk Finnish tourist was assassinated by bald gangster in front of local hotel.

1937. A student defaces a poster saying "20 years of communism in Russia" by scribbling "And that's enough!". He is arrested and brought before the court. NKVD judge looks at the files and asks the student: "How old are you, comrade?"
"25 years old, judge."
"And that's enough!"

At the news of Stalin's death two workers jumped out of window at a construction site. One proceeded to buy vodka, second to buy zakuska.

Man is trying to join the Party in Poland circa 1949. Official interviews him about his past.
"Tell me, what did you do during the war?"
"I grew wheat"
"And you never joined any bandit organization?"
"No sir, that will be my first."

Man tries to join the party, but the official wants to know his motivation. However the man instists that he can only tell that after he signs all the documents. The official finally agrees and the man says.
"Imagine that. I come home drunk last night and see my wife fucking the mailman in the kitchen. I go to the living room and my son is getting pounded by his school friend. I go to my bedroom and my daughter sucks two cocks at once. So I stand in the hall and scream at the top of my lungs >>NOW I WILL MAKE Y'ALL WHORES ASHAMED<<"

>>3307709
The space pen saved their ass on Apollo 11 when buzz broke off a switch to arm the ascent engine. The pen worked as a replacement but a pencil would have broken.

>"Lenin has died, but his cause lives on!" Says the poster.
>Rabinovich says: "I would prefer it the other way round."

>How do you know when the Stasi are listening in on your home?
>There's a new cabinet in it and a trailer with a generator in the street.

>A school teacher asks little Fritzie : "Fritzchen, why are you always speaking of our Soviet brothers? It's Soviet friends."
>"Well, you can always choose your friends."

>Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man.
>What about Socialism?
>Under Socialism it is exactly the other way around.

Honecker (GDR Leader) and Mielke (Stasi leader) are talking about hobbies. Honecker says "I like to collect jokes people tell about me." Mielke says "I've got a similar hobby to that. I like to collect people who tell jokes about you."

>>3307699
A Montenegrin, Croat and Serb have met a hefty bet about who will be able to jump over a church. On the day of the bet, Montenegrin is no where to be found.

''Typical lazy Montenegrins'' Croat scuffs, then walks 10 meters away for a running start. He jumps, and in the moment of flying over the cross, a lightning rips the skies, hits him, and he breaks his legs and ribs during the fall.

Seeing that, the Serb is terrified, but too proud to have the Croat jump higher then him, so he starts praying: ''Oh Lord, if you let me jump over this, I will never use your name in vain...''

He closes the eyes, crouches, then springs over. When his feet finally touch the ground, he opens his eyes, notices he is on the other side of the church and in shock mutters beneath his breath:

''Jesus fucking Christ, I made it!''

---

A fairy visits the poor Slovenian peasant. ''I will grant you any wish you can possible think of, just remember, what ever you wish upon, I will grant your neighbor twice as much!'' she exclaims.

''In that case, pluck out my eyeball.''

>>3312718
Here's an ancient one that every country in Eastern Europe uses to describe their own people. I first heard it from a Serb

>A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Serb are in a plane when it becomes fogbound and they can't navigate
>they're trying to figure out where they are
>the Briton sticks his hand out the window and says "we're definitely over Britain"
>the other two ask him how he knows that
>"only Britain gets smog like this
>the Frenchmen sticks his hand out the window and says "we're over France"
>the other two ask why
>"I can touch the alps"
>the Serbs sticks his hand out the window and says "you two are wrong, this is definitely Serbia"
>"why?"
>"my watch is gone"

>>3312747
Of course, this one is a bit late for the Cold War, but none the less, here goes:

After the Serbs took down the F-117, the soldiers gather to look at the smoldering crater already being stripped down by local gypsies.

''Say, Lazar, can you believe that was their ''invisible'' plane?''

''Well, shit, maybe they should've told us that beforehand!''

Another one on the same variation:

After, taking down the same aircraft, the officer in charge of the radar station that shot it down congratulates his man:

''I'm proud of you boys, we just clipped the ''invisible plane''!''

''Where?'' the radio operator asks.

A Georgian carrying a big basket is flying from Tbilisi to Moscow. A hijacker takes over the flight and demands that the pilot fly to Paris. The pilot agrees but the Georgian pulls out his knife, cuts the hijacker’s throat and tells the pilot, “Lisssn here, genatsvale, you fly to Moscow and right away.”
When the plane lands, the Georgian is immediately awarded the highest of medals, he is made a Hero of the Soviet Union. After the award, the KGB take him away and demand, “Why did you really stop the plane being hijacked? You had better tell the truth.”
The Georgian replies, “How could I sell my oranges in Paris?”

Armenian jokes are fun in a genocide kind of way.

>How do you make Turkish coffee?
>Grind up a million Armenian coffee beans and lie about it for the next century.

>An old Armenian is talking to his children on his deathbed. "Always treasure the Jews." he says.
>"Why?" his son asks.
>"Because once they're gone, we'll be next!"

On topic of Monteniggers

Croat tourists visit Montenegro. During hiking, they come across a big sign saying "DANGER OF EARTHQUAKES". Beyond, thousands of men lay down naked on their bellies. Croats ask them:

"What are you all doing?"
"Jerking off"

My friend and I found a show on Amazon called "Comrade Detective," a Romanian show about communist policemen trying to stop capitalists from doing crooked things in the heart land in the 80s
https://youtu.be/T5ONHUBXABE
The propaganda is pretty funny, like there was just a flashback where one of the characters had gone to New York city, and saw a bunch of people getting robbed, women forced into prostitution, grand theft auto, a religious man screaming about his AIDS, a homosexual/pedophile, and then a cop openly shooting a thief before saying "Welcome to America, pinko"
It's really fun

>>3307065
>Cold War jokes thread lads

Communism

A rare Kazakh Soviet joke.

Purges. NKVD officers are discussing cases of new arrests.

> So an so, a Russian
> Interrogate him and shoot afterwards. Next!

> So and so, a German!
> Interrogate and shoot

> so and so, Kazakh
> shoot
> if we start interrogating him -- we'll find out he's our relative, shoot right away!

>>3314850
I don't get it. Are NKVD officers known for often being Kazahks?

>>3314008
>actually believing it is genuine
It was a satirical American production mocking 80's films. Why aren't you being upfront about the context?

>>3314896
the premise implies that they are in this case.

Anyone could (and did) become NKVD officer regardless of ethnicity as long as you 're committed.

>>3314908
Oh, it must be joking about how all Kazakhs are related, then?

>>3314933
yep

[spoiler]even more truthful because something like 30% of the native population died of hunger back then[/spoiler]

>>3307699
Holy shit that's a good one.

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>>3314906
>why aren't you being upfront about the context
Because I thought Channing Tatum wouldn't lie to me
I didn't know, anon

>>3313887
I feel retarded, I don't get most of this jokes.
Maybe the language barrier is too much for me (thinking in Spanish, writing in English, reading jokes that originally were XXXX)

>>3307743
top kek

>>3307523
what takeover?

Tito is visiting a factory, and talking with the workers.
>''Greetings comrade, how many locks did you make today?"
>"I made five comrade Tito."
>''Really? That's nothing. When I was young I made 20 on average!"
>"Yes comrade, but you are a locksmith, I'm an economist."

One day Leonid Brejnev invited his old mother to Moscow. He flew her by plane, and took her to see the Kremlin. They visit everything, he shows her the secret rooms, the paintings, the gold-plated furnitures...

>"So mother, do you like it?"
>"Yes Leonid yes, it's nice..."

Brejnev is taken aback by his mother unresponsiveness, and take her to one of his private place. He shows her the magnificent bedroom, the jacuzzi, his luxufy watches...

>"So mother, are you impressed?"
>"It's ok son, it's ok.."

Brejnev is almost furious, he orders a private flight to one of his secretive house by the sea. He shows her the bentleys, the fur coats, the wine cave...

>"So mother, are you happy? See, I made it!"
>"Yes, yes..."

Brejnev finally explodes.

>"Why are you not happy for me mother? I have everything you ever dreamed for me!"
>Yes Leonid I know, but I'm so scared.. What if the reds come back?"

>>3316099
The montenegros are using the shaking of the earthquake to jack off.

>>3317255
Ah... I thought It was something more elaborated.
But thanks for the help!

>>3316137
yahoo

Auschwitz, an SS Obersturmführer monitors the arrival of deportees, when he spots a young girl unexpectedly smiling.
He leaves his terrace and comes at her.
-"Hey sweetie, what makes you smile?"
-"My name is Sarah, tomorrow is my birthday, I'll be 14!"
-"Nein."

>>3307065
A Slovenian joke:
How do the Italians know the fate of their newly born children?
If the baby starts crying, it will become a great singer.
If it shits itself quickly, an Italian soldier is born.

Bump for interest.

>>3307760
>>3307758
Thats why the Soviets used grease pencils, not lead pencils.

>>3315897
you're a dum dum

>Museum of the October Revolution. Tour guide shows a skeleton of a Civil War hero, Chapayev to the tourists. Suddenly one asks about a smaller skeleton next to it. "Oh - says the guide - it's Chapayev as a child."

he had two skeletons?

>>3321581

>hasn't even shed his first skeleton yet

Underage b&

Mao visits modern China and asks how the great proletariat revolution is going.

>Chairman Mao: "Can the people eat their fill?"
>Us: "There's so much to eat they're dieting!"
>Chairman Mao: "Are there still capitalists?"
>Us: "They're all doing business overseas now!"
>Chairman Mao: "Do we produce more steel than England?"
>Us: "Tangshan alone produces more than America."
>Chairman Mao: "Did we beat social imperialism (the USSR)?"
>Us: "They dissolved it themselves!"
>Chairman Mao: "Did we smash imperialism?"
>Us: "We're the imperialists now!"
>Chairman Mao: "And what about my Cultural Revolution"?
>Us: "It's in America now!"

>did you hear Comrade Brezhnev is in surgery
>for his heart again?
>no, he's having his chest expanded to fit more medals

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mN3z3eSVG7A

bump cause this thread is gold

The jewish boy comes home from unversity

- Dad, they called me a jew dog again! They laughed at my jewish nose and insulted my jewish mother!

- Don't worry son. When you get your Nobel prize they'll call you the great RUSSIAN scientist

>>3307336
>the 2 intellectuals
Kek

>>3324477
Three Jews who had recently converted to Christianity were standing together at the pews of the local church, waiting for the services to begin. They started talking about the reasons for their conversions.
“I converted out of love,” said the first. “Not for Christianity, but for a Christian girl. As you both know, my wife insisted that I convert.”
“And I,” said the second, “I converted in order to start my career. You probably know that they won't allow a Jew to enter into medical school, and I always wanted to be a surgeon.”
The third man spoke up: “I converted because I think that the teachings of Christianity are superior to those of Judaism.”
“Are you kidding?” said the first man, going slack jawed.
“What do you take us for, a couple of goyim?”

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Bumping.
Please tovarischi, I need this thread.

>>3325729
4u
>a Soviet man is waiting in line to purchase bread, but do to shortages, the line is very long
>suddenly the man loses his temper and yells "I'm going to the Kremlin to kill Gorbachev!" and leaves the line
>a few hours later he elbows his way back into the line, looking quite embarrassed
>"so did you kill Gorbachev?"
>no, I got to the Kremlin, but the line to kill Gorbachev was even longer than this one!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4nk5mSz_2s

A Russian Space Shuttle crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

An inspecting commission came to a lunatics asylum. To greet them, a choir of the patients sang a song from a popular movie that says "Oh, how good it is to live in the Soviet land!"

The commission noticed that one of the men did not sing.

"Why are you not singing?"

"I'm not crazy, I'm a nurse here."

>Did East Germans originate from apes? Impossible. Apes could never have survived on just two bananas a year.

>A new Trabi has been launched with two exhaust pipes -- so you can use it as a wheelbarrow.

>Why can't you get any pins in East Germany anymore? Because they are being sold to Poland as kebab skewers.

>The leader of the GDR, Erich Honecker, wants to know what the people really think of him. So goes out among the people in disguise. He asks a man on the street: "Excuse me, but what do you think of Honecker?" The man leads him down a side street, makes sure that nobody hears him, and whispers into Erich's ear, "I support Honecker!"

>Honecker orders a minister to tear down the Berlin Wall. Stupefied, the minister asks why? 'I want to be alone,' Honecker replies.

>Why did the USSR decide not to send men to the moon? They were afraid they would demand political asylum.

>The east german government is discussing the installment of new signs on the Wall. What is supposed to be written on them? The last one out turns off the light.

>Olympic champion and world champion Ice Dancer Katharina Witt once had a meeting with president Erich Honecker.
>Honecker says: "Dear Kathi. You brought so much glory to the name of our beloved fatherland by winning all those medals. Therefore I grant you one wish.
>Witt says: Oh please, Erich. Could you not open the border for just one day?
>Honecker says: Kathi, Kathi, you romantic girl. You want both of us being alone?

>>3327073
>>Olympic champion and world champion Ice Dancer Katharina Witt once had a meeting with president Erich Honecker.
>>Honecker says: "Dear Kathi. You brought so much glory to the name of our beloved fatherland by winning all those medals. Therefore I grant you one wish.
>>Witt says: Oh please, Erich. Could you not open the border for just one day?
>>Honecker says: Kathi, Kathi, you romantic girl. You want both of us being alone?

I don't get it, I thought that GDR always had its border closed (after the wall), why would the girl want the border closed?

>>3307065
>Two American astronauts land on the moon. They call mission command and tell them: "The Russians have already landed here and they're painting the moon red!" Mission command answers: "Just stand by for a few days and don't do anything." A few days have passed: "The Russians have painted more than half the moon red, what do we do now?" "Stand by for a few days and don't do anything." A week has now gone by: "The Russians are have painted almost the entire moon red, what now?" "Wait til they're done, then take some white paint and write Drink Coca Cola on it."

nobody will get this one but whatever:
"Hey man, what book are you reading?"
"Das Kapital, by Karl May."
"Karl May? Don't you mean Karl Marx?"
"Yeah you must be right, I'm halfway done and not one single Indian has showed up yet."

>>3327274
She wants them open. The way the sentence is built makes it seem the opposite. Just think "Can't open the border for just one day?"

>>3327295
the second joke, what?

>>3327319
I'm presuming English isn't your first language, when she says 'could you not?' She's saying 'would you be able to?'

>>3327319
Karl May was a famous (in central/eastern Europe) writer of western/cowboy novels

>>3327330
Replied to wrong post?

Two Russian college students are waiting outside a classroom to do the final exam. The first one gets called in and knows the answers to everything the professor asks him: dialectical materialism, Engels, Proudhon, Gorky, you name it. As the exam comes to a close, he is asked a final question: "What time is it?" He looks at his watch and says: "Eleven thirty." The professor shakes his head sadly and says: "I am sorry, but you failed. The correct answer was - thanks to Comrades Marx, Lenin and Stalin, it's eleven thirty."
As the student exits the room, he goes to the other one and tells him what happened. The second student is now called in for the exam. He too has studied well and knows every answer. At last, the final question comes: "What time is it?" "Thanks to Comrades Marx, Lenin and Stalin..." he begins, then looking down at his wrist: "... I don't have a watch."

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These are pretty good.

I wonder what life in Latvia is like today.

>>3307709
>the lack of gravity means that their ballpoint pens no longer work
Ballpoint pens work just fine in zero gravity. Try writing something overhead, it makes no difference.

>>3307758
>The pen was developed privately
The special pen they used was special in that it could be used outside the spacecraft, in vacuum with large temperature differences.

>>3321581
The joke is that they're forging all of the hero's artifacts (and relics) so they have something to put in a museum.

>>3327418
Damn, that's bleak

>>3312444
kek these are great

>>3307438
There needs to be an edit of this with "I'm CIA" to fit the spirit of our times.

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>>3307228
>"Granddaughter, please explain Communism to me,” an old Russian woman asks her granddaughter. “How will people live under it? They probably teach you all about it in school."
>"Of course they do, Granny,” her granddaughter responds. “When we reach Communism, the shops will be full – there'll be butter, and meat, and sausage…you'll be able to go and buy anything you want..."
>"Ah!" exclaimed the old woman joyfully. "Just like under the Tsar!"

My fucking feels

>>3327418
That's hilariously bleak.

>>3327418
I met a girl from there.
It is hard, but definetly not so bad.

>>3327884
Yeah maybe not anymore mate, these are historical jokes

>>3327418
>KC
Fuck off.

>>3328741
If they tore down the Berlin wall, everyone would leave and he would be the only one left in the city.

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>how does a Montenegrin masturbate? he digs a hole, puts his dick in, and waits

>an american, a romanian, and a hungarian are all riding the train. the american pulls out a bottle of whisky, takes a sip, and throws it out the window
>'what the fuck are you doing?' ask the other two
>'fuck it,' says the american, 'there'll be plenty more back home'
>the hungarian takes out some tokay and does the same
>the other two now ask him what he's doing
>'it is same,' says the hungarian, 'we have many in hungary'
>at last, the romanian eyes the american, then grabs the hungarian and throws him out of the train
>'the hell are you doing!?' cries the american
>'fuck him. there's plenty of them back home.'

>>3328886
forgot one

>an armenian has a small shop and a jew sets up a fruit place nearby
>the jew painstakingly sets up the prices on his first day and the armenian goes in to welcome him
>the next day, the armenian puts up a sign saying he's saying oranges for less
>the jew is forced to do the same
>the armenian lowers them yet again
>after a few days the armenian finally puts up a sign saying he's giving them out for free
>the jew, afraid not to look bad, follows suit
>at the end of the day the jew finally goes over to the armenian
>'friend, i have no idea how you're making a profit by giving things for free. where are you getting all these oranges?'
>the armenian smiles and says, 'i don't sell oranges.'

>>3328741
If they tore down the wall,everyone would leave.

bumping a good thread
latvians are hilarious

Can somebody explain the prevalence of selling oranges in these?

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>>3328918
Alright. You got me.

Hungary, circa 1990.

>Is it true that the Russians are leaving?
>Yes. But they are leaving one by one,

After Lenin's death a successor needs to be selected for the infant soviet state. Trotsky, Kamenev and Stalin are assembled for the event. According to Lenin's will, the position of Chairman will go to the person who can complete one task: every candidate is given a gun with one bullet and is told to go into a closed room and shot whomever is inside to show dedication to the communist system. First out is Kamenev, who takes the gun and goes into the room. After 10 minutes he comes out, crying his eyes out, no gunshot having been heard.
"I'm sorry comrades, it was my mother inside and I couldn't force myself to shoot her for Lenin."
Next follows Trotsky, who like Kamenev comes out crying after 20 minutes.
"I'll do anything for the revolution" Trotsky sobs, "but I can't shoot my poor mother."
Next Stalin is given the gun. Immediately when he goes in to the room, a muffled shuffle is heard. After 2 minutes he comes out, hair in a dissarray and clothes torn.
"You traiturous capitalist pigs!" he screams "The gun was loaded with blanks so I had to strangle the old bitch."

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Two Hungarians.

>Have you heard? The Russians have went to the Moon!
>FUCK YES, ALL OF THEM?

Moscow Olmypics. Comrade Brezhnev is reading the opening speech.

>O!
>[Crowd cheers]
>O! O!
>[Cheering]
>O!
>[Aide comes up, discreetly sneaks a note into Brezhnev's hands]

>Comrade Brezhnev, you don't have to read the Olympic circles.

>>3331235
i don't get it

>>3331416
Polish version:
>Grandpa! Have you heard that Russians went to space?!
>All of them?
>No, only one.
>Stop wasting my time than you little brat, come again when all of them go to space.

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>>3328886
>>at last, the romanian eyes the american, then grabs the hungarian and throws him out of the train
>>'the hell are you doing!?' cries the american
>>'fuck him. there's plenty of them back home.'

Romanian cookbook.

>Step 1: steal a carrot.

>Step 2: steal two potatoes.

>Step 3: take the...WHAT THE FUCK, WHERE IS THE FUCKING CARROT IT WAS HERE A MOMENT AGO I JUST PUT IT HERE

>>3331425
and then Comrade Brezhnev awarded himself a Hero of the Soviet Union medal for withstanding that hardship

>>3307635
Fucking brilliant

>>3331428

There is a lot of them.

>How did Andropov became General Secretary after Brezhnev's death?
>He pulled out his gun before the Central Commitee, and told them: "Comrades, you will either follow me, or you will follow comrade Brezhnev."

>>3330365
Oranges were a treat being that they were sweet and available, albeit semi expensive

Thanks for this thread guys. I've been in a small split with my girlfriend this weekend and she hasn't come home. Smart jokes between anonymous people feels a lot less lonely than just being a nerd alone.

>>3307065

two polish soldiers sit in a trench, they see a german soldier running at them from one side and a russian from the other. Which first asks one soldier? "the german" says the second, "because business before pleasure"

>>3332282
She's gone to find Tyrone, consider her dead and move on
On another note,
>how do you use a banana as a compass?
>place it on the Berlin wall, east is where a bite is taken out of it

An American tells a Russian that the United States is so free that he can stand in front of the White House and yell, “To hell with Ronald Reagan.” The Russian replies: “This is nothing. I can stand in front of the Kremlin and yell, ‘To hell with Ronald Reagan" too."

When US Vice President Richard Nixon visited Moscow, he and Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev ran a race around the Kremlin. Nixon came in first. “How should our media report on this?” a Soviet journalist asked his boss.
“The report should be as follows: ‘In the international running competition the Soviet Premier took honorable second place. Mister Nixon came in next to last.'”

A Soviet worker was asked to describe his factory. “We pretend to work and they pretend to pay us."
Ivanov applied to the Communist Party. The party committee conducts an interview.

"Comrade Ivanov, do you smoke?"

"Yes, I do a little."

"Do you know that comrade Lenin did not smoke and advised other communists not to smoke?"

"If comrade Lenin said so, I shall cease smoking."

"Do you drink?"

"Yes, a little."

"Comrade Lenin strongly condemned drunkenness."

"Then I shall cease drinking."

"Comrade Ivanov, what about women?"

"A little...."

"Do you know that comrade Lenin strongly condemned amoral behavior?"

"If comrade Lenin condemned, I shall not love them any longer."

"Comrade Ivanov, will you be ready to sacrifice your life for the Party?"

"Of course. Who needs such life?"

From a /pol/ thread some time back so i'm paraphrasing.

Three guys from kolhoz get sent to Moscow to give a report on how things are going. It's a long journey so they have to stay in a hotel for the night. Using the opportunity, two of them stay up late in the night shittalking the party. The third guy just wants to get some sleep so he goes down to reception and tells them to bring tea to his room in 10 minutes. Goes up, picks up the lamp and says into it "Bring tea to my room in 5 minutes."
When the tea arrives the loudmouths shut up and they finally go to sleep.
Next morning the guy wakes up, but can't find the others. Goes down and asks
"Where did the guys i was with go?"
"The police came in the night and took them."
"Why did they leave me?"
"The major liked the bit with the lamp."

>>3332361
lol i dun geddit

>>3333091
Guy pretends NKVD is spying on them, but this being Soviet Union, the NKVD is spying on them.

>>3333091
You're a retard

>>3307065
These are normie jokes

>>3333091
The third guy pretended to be in the secret police by making the others think he knew there was a microphone in the lamp.
But it turns out there actually was.

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>>3323517

>four men are sitting in a train car
>the first one sighs
>the second one waves his hand, resigned
>the third one spits on the floor
>"Comrades, let's not discuss politics" says the fourth. "We might get in trouble."

>>3332018
idgi

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>>3307456
>To spite Azerbaijan. They established a Ministry of Culture
Good heavens.

>This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Can a son of a General become a Marshal?”
>We’re answering: “No, because every Marshal also has a son.”

>This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Why is our government not in a hurry to land our men on the moon?”
>We’re answering: “What if they refuse to return?”

>This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Are there questions you can't answer?”
>We’re answering: “No. We approach our job in accordance with the Marx' dialectics. To any question we can give any answer.”

>An old wench waited for two hours to get in a bus. Bus after bus came full and she couldn't squeeze herself in. When she finally managed to crawl in, she wiped her forehead, and said, "Finally, glory to God!"
>The driver said, "Mother, you must not say that. You must say 'Glory to comrade Stalin."
>"Excuse me, comrade," the woman said. "I'm just a backward old woman. I'll say from now on as you told me."
>After a while, she said, "Excuse me, comrade, I am old and stupid. What shall I say if, God forbid, Stalin dies?"
>"Oh, mother, then you shall say, "'Glory to God!"

>In a prison, two inmates share their experience.
>"What did they arrest you for?" one of them asks. "Was it a political or common crime?"
>"Of course political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system requires replacement.' So, they gave me seven years."

>Two former schoolmates met in the street.
>"Where do you work?"
>"I am a school teacher. And what about you?"
>"I work for the KGB."
>"Oh, and what are you doing at the KGB?"
>"We unearth those who are dissatisfied."
>"You mean, there are also some who are satisfied?"
>"Those who are satisfied are dealt with by the Division for the Fight Against the Embezzlements of the Socialist Property."

>>3334232

>In the Red Square in Moscow, a line is snaking toward the Lenin's tomb. A change of guard is watched by the onlookers. A kid asks, "Daddy, why do they always keep guard at the tomb?"
>"Didn't you hear what they say all the time? Lenin lived, Lenin is alive, Lenin will live forever. What if , God forbid, he is indeed alive, and decides to walk out of the tomb?"

>Stalin is dead and things have begun to lighten up a bit relatively speaking. An old couple live in an apartment in Moscow and she sends him down to buy some meat for supper. After queueing for the obligatory three hours he gets to the counter and the woman says 'No more meat, meat finished'. He cracks and starts raving 'I fought in the Revolution, I fought for Lenin in the First World War and for Stalin in the Second World War and we are still in this shit?' One of the leather-jacketed brigade takes him on one side and says 'Look old man you know you can't talk like this. Just think, a few years ago you would have been shot for saying these things.' The old man trudges home. His wife seeing him empty-handed says 'Run out of meat again have they?' He says: 'It's worse than that, they've run out of bullets.'

>Khrushchev visited a pig farm and was photographed there. In a newspaper's office, a discussion is under way what should be the caption under the picture.
>"Comrade Khrushchev among pigs," "Comrade Khrushchev and pigs," "Pigs around comrade Khrushchev," -- all is rejected. Finally the editor makes the decision. The caption is "The third from left - comrade Khrushchev."

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>>3307679

>The two Serbs jump out and plant their flag. One pulls a gun, shoots the other, and says "Serbian blood has been spilled here, Mars is Serbia forever!"

>what are the four great natural disasters hitting the Soviet agriculture?
>spring, summer, autumn, winter

>>3310774
Cuck you