So what do I do now that I am spookless? I was told "enlightened

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So what do I do now that I am spookless?

I was told "enlightened intelligence" would make me euphoric, that purging superstition would help me focus on what really matters, but that is not the case. I have no motivation to do anything because nothing matters in the end and all that's coming is death. I can't let go and enjoy anything without the nagging thought that nothing has value or meaning.

I used to be a happy go lucky whippersnapper who took what he could get and didn't lament what he couldn't, who tried to make something fun out of everything and had all sorts of goals and drives, now I am a jaded defeatist fatalistic nihilist. At least when I cared about bullshit I cared about something, now I don't care about anything except the horrors of reality which are impossible to avoid.

Life is bending over backwards to impress normies only to fail to meet their standards and be humiliated anyway. Even if I put in a herculean effort I will never achieve much more than a wage a bit above minimum and a few nerdy friends to share feels with and maybe a chubby gf who had to settle for me and will probably leave me for some random reason, I will never be as successful as people who put in a herculean effort AND were introduced to coding when they were 13 then were in college the cusp of the dotcom boom or something and were free from mental illness and acclimatized to socializing from an early age. The chances of me becoming a scientist and achieving biological immortality are minute to the point it makes me question whether that might be a spook and I would be wasting my only life dedicating myself to it. I am terrified of waking up alone one day and seeing a lonely old guy in the mirror, I unironically would welcome death before that point.