> I was only 9 years old. > I loved Gentoo so much, I had

>be on /g/, using my Gentoo rig powered by QUADFIRE 7970s and an i7 2600k, when knock at cave door
>OPEN UP WE'S THE POH LEASE
>push a couple old Pentium 4s against the door (those things are just so damn handy)
>begin waddling towards escape hatch
>BANG BANG BANG
>cops shooting the door, screaming MURIKA FUCK YEAH
>be Canadian, quite confused
>continue waddling as fast as I can
>cops break door down
>they begin sprinting towards me
>one gets caught in my intranet
>fuck that was an expensive cable it's hard to get them that long
>whatever
>cop begins shooting me
>dive behind Fermi pile
>Fermis burst into flames, buying me time
>grab my Thinkpad
>escape hatch blocked by cans
>prepare for final stand
>cop comes around corner
>nail her on the head with my Thinkpad
>Thinkpad 1 SWAT helmet 0
>another cop rounds corner
>shoots me
>absorbed in my fat, bounces off
>this angers me
>release the bear
>Guardian Neckbear leaps from neck and begins biting cop
>throw GNU/Hurd kernel DVDs at him
>he dies from disgust
>cop jumps through can pile
>falls onto my pile of dragon dildos
>runs back out screaming
>jump in my get-away pedovan
>mom runs out of house
>SERGIO COMPUTER NO JUST WERKO
>NOT NOW MOM I'M BUSY
>rev up car
>cop cars begin coming around corner
>speed off
>they chase me
>they have no drivers and crash into poles
>an entire polish parade
>1.7% of the parade survive
>more cops behind me
>NO TIME FOR LOVE, COPPERS
>helicopter appears above me
>it's rotational velociodencity begins to degrade as it comes closer to my giant dog-shapped pedovan
>it bluescreens
>jump out the door
>hit the floor
>everyone walk the dinosaur

File: dsc00367.jpg (96KB, 450x600px) Image search: [Google]

96KB, 450x600px

>Friend is having computer troubles
>Had been talking about building his own for weeks now, thought he was just being a fag
>Go over to his house
>Kinda warm in here, ain't it, friend?
>Looks at me sadly
>Hey friend, kinda red there ain'tcha?
>Silence
>He leads me upstairs
>Notice he only has a wife beater on and short shorts
>Gets increasingly warmer as I mount the steps
>Fucking October what is this
>Reach his room
>He stands outside it
>Door is pulsing with heat
>What the fuck man
>Opens door
>Pushes me in
>Screams
>IT DEMANDS MORE SACRIFICE
>Overpowering heat
>Open eyes
>Everything is blurry as fuck, those heat wave lines everywhere
>Make out two burnt corpses in the center of the room
>See giant Alienware Rice Machine in the corner
>Three cases tall
>All sides melted
>Pool of liquid metal on the floor around it
>Oh god the heat
>See window
>Rush to it
>Nailed shut
>Gentoo Christ almighty
>Search for a powerbar, anything to kill this beast
>See Batterybackup
>Begin to cry at my fate
>Tears turn to steam as they leave my eyes
>Suddenly, hope
>Reach into pocket
>Extract Gentoo Live CD
>Insert it into one of its many DVD drives
>Begin to black out
>Open dos prompt
>Reboot!
>Screams
>Light show
>Explosions
>The beast is dying
>I collapse
>Cannot let my guard down, friend is still outside
>He rushes in, screaming
>Lunges at the computer, see his skin boil and hair burn
>Crawl out of run, fall down stairs
>Finally outside
>Free
>Cops come
>Arrest Warrant issued for a Mr. Stallman, creater of gentoo

You're all a bunch of candyasses.