What's that word for when you realise that you'll look

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What's that word for when you realise that you'll look back at the previous year and three quarters and realise it was completely wasted?

>finished a degree I hated
>worked retailcuck part time jobs
>barely read more than 5 books
>did maybe a month's worth of productive stuff in my free time
>went to the gym regularly and lifts went up but ate lots of junk food and had coffee enough to harm sleep at times
>main hobby is taking walks or driving and feeling sad about my life and telling myself I will work extremely hard to learn productive skills tomorrow
>wasted gigantic amounts of time on internet and 4chan browsing
>told myself every day that I'd start working hard and eating healthily tomorrow and having genuine false hope almost every time

I can't motivate myself to work hard on anything or have goals. I know other people have quarter life crises but my life is fucking zooming past, not due to a boring 9-5 job but my inability to do anything with my free time.

I am a Stirnerite that knows deep down that all advice is trivial and worthless.

I hate that there are ten trillion topics considered important and that there is always someone willing to call you a retard if you don't know it. I fully realise that it's all social signalling nonsense. Yet it still weighs on me. There's always someone willing to say you only need to work hard if you're stupid. Or you're stupid not to work hard. Or that procrastination is great- or not. Or anything.

I feel like everything is so trivial it's not worth doing or extremely frustrating and out of my reach.

I see successful people and almost all of them just got in to the right institutions and took the elevator up with tonnes of support. I go to graduate assessment days and am surrounded by normie clones who are interviewed by their normie clones. I have almost no chance. And these are interviews for "respected" jobs that usually do pointless things.