I go to prison in 9 days. Tips? Anyone else been to prison?

>>39585574
Just relax the muscles around the anus and you'll be fine.

>>39585574
u gon get raped

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>>39585574

AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

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>>39585574
protect anus

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>>39585574
>Tips?
Don't commit crimes?

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>>39585574
What are you in for?

>>39585574
if this was true you would already be in jail and not have internet access.

Tip: Mexico is nice this time of year

>>39585714
Drugs, primarily. I also shot someone in the leg but it was in self defense so the charge was reduced to attempted agg batt.

>>39585715
I am out on bail and have sentencing in 9 days

>>39585574
for how long and what did you do?

>>39585678
Good joke. If you aren't white, you'll have to prove your innocence in court.
This will get even worse with Trump.

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what did you do

They put shit in the food that gives you erectil disfunction. Basically watch out for the new guys more then the long timers

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>>39585733
>white
>blue eyes
>light brown hair
feels good to be white

Awfully high incidence of criminal elements on /fit/.

How much time are you doing?

run to mexico and fuck brown qts for the rest of your life just for being a white gringo (you're white right?)

>>39585733
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Oh god, my sides. Hope you enjoy getting anally ravaged by another hillary voter in the slammer.
If you start to black out from the pain or blood loss, keep your mind active to stay awake or they'll just take turns on your unconscious body and probably give you an anal fissure, among other things.

>>39585794
m8 he's already going to jail, don't get him decapitated too

>>39585794
The plea I took is for 42 months, and I have 6 done already from before I bailed out of county jail. With good time and programs, I'm shooting for about 25 more months

>>39585574
work glutes so u can make ur ass so tight its impossible for u to be fucked.
not a meme dude im serious.

>>39585574
OP, you have to prove you're the ALPHA MALE not to be fucked with, so, on first day, take a spoon then pick the biggest, baddest looking guy and ram the spoon into his throat, pull out his eyes, shit in your hands and smear it all over your face before dropping to the floor and convulsing and screaming.

After that no one will bother you, trust me, it worked for me the one and only time I was in detention in grade school!!!FACT!!!

>>39585786
How do you think they for /fit/ in the first place? Lifting and sucking nigger cock builds muscle along with free protein! If you come out of prison skinny it's because you spent all of your time doing cardio by running away from rape squads!!!FACT!!!

>>39585821
Seriously, use that time for good use. Get in shape and get educated. There are people there who will help you change your life. All you have to do is ask for help.

>>39585574
bring a book. I've always pondered the thought of going to jail just so I can finish reading some epics

join a gang

>>39585574
Dont drop the soap m8

>>39586004
Those are my two primary goals. My mom knows someone who is friends with some of the wardens out here so they are gonna try to get me in a facility that offers educational courses. Learning a trade and getting in shape are definitely on the list. Thanks for backin me up

>>39586009
>i wanna read this book
>better go to jail

punch a guard in the face and go to solitary

>>39586111
I'm not even that anon, and I'm an english major. I also thought about going to jail to read. lul

Do you know how long it takes to read moby dick?

>>39586137
Nigger, if you spent less time fucking around on 4chan, you would have plenty of time to read.

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>>39586151
This is already the only social interaction I have, what more do you want from me.
>I've already finished the top 40 books on the most influential books of all time list
>English graduate instead of major, not sure why I still say that

>Literally live with cocoons for friends

>>39585733
>t. black lives matter

Think before acting like a stereotype next time.

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>>39586186
oh you're the cocoon guy i saw you in another thread last night

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>>39586213
>t-thanks for the (you)
I might start tripfagging soon i'm so desperate. Jail seems like a step up

>>39586057
Trust in yourself and know that no one is going to do it for you. It will be hard and you'll hate it but you'll come out of it stronger in both body and mind. Good luck my friend.

>>39585733
Um how about no, you nigger. I'm white and have had white family members go to jail because they committed crime. You are going to pay the price for your niggardry just be glad that lynch mobs are illegal now.

>>39586137
>>39586151
original guy here. I'd go to jail because there's just so much stupid shit to do all day like 4chan and vidya which provide instant gratification that I can't enjoy the little things like the set of Game of Thrones my sister got me for my birthday.

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>>39585574
Watch out for your cornhole, bud

As an officer at a prison, just stay out of everyone's way. The officers, inmates, etc. Especially the officers. If you test them or piss them off in any way they will make your time hell. They'll tear your shit up and take your personal pictures and letters and call it a "search". I honestly don't know how the majority of my coworkers aren't inmates themselves. They're criminally insane.

>>39587109
And don't take any free stuff from inmates. It's not free. They'll pressure you into doing something for them later.

>>39585733
(You)

>>39585733
have you tried like, not committing crime?

>>39585574
read convict fitness, it basically talks about fitness while in prison. i cant help with anything else but just dont be a bitch an be likeable enough. if you ever were succesfully part of a sports team as a kid you should know what to do

>>39585574
just close your eyes and think about scooby

>>39586305
>I'm white
>had white family members go to jail
>they committed crime
calling anybody a nigger

>>39587238
What did he mean by this?

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>>39585574
buzz your hair, grow a beard (not long enough to grab), bulk up. Bring money and cigarettes in with you. Cigs to trade and give you something to do, money for the canteen. If you still have time get a few boxing lessons. Have someone send you books you want to read.

Don't accept anything from anyone for free only ever trade. If you speak up, know what you're talking about and be confident. Keep to yourself and keep your head low. Don't be afraid to take a beating, even if you get you ass beat you'll get more respect than the fag who submitted. Stick up for yourself and don't take shit. Lift and exercise as much as possible, lifting heavy is a way to show people not to fuck with you. Never let anyone take any food from you and always eat everything you're given.

>>39585644
>>39585668
>>39585699
>>39585743
Do you have a mental disorder or did I miss a meme?

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>search thread
>no burpees

wtf fit?

Burpees are THE exercise for prison. You can do them in your cell.

Not all prisons have weights to lift so hopefully you can get to lift weights, but burpees are a very good option for you. There are other bodyweight exercises you can do in a cell too, pushups, hand-stand pushups, sit-ups, dips, and maybe even pull-ups.

Prison food is pretty much like 80% carbs.Preserved and processed, crappy food. Some of them serve up like 3k calories a day. Most of the time people gain a fuckton of weight in prison because they're not working out and eating all of those carbs 3x a day.

Shit, you might even be able to score some roids and turn in your natty card.

>>39586253
tripfagging?

>>39588011
Postin with a name instead of anonymous, think Tinytrip, Zyzz, or todays masT.

>>39586253
Do it, the hero cannot be nameless

>>39585726
>>39585574

If I were you I would flee the country 2bh

Spend the next week with whatever family or friends you have then use the final couple of days to get as far away as possible

>>39586305

>You are going to pay the price for your niggardry

I have been slain. Shadilay, brother.

>>39585574
Someone will pick a fight with you because everyone basically wants to size you up. Fight back, even if you will lose, at least throw a punch. If you don't fight back everyone will treat you like a bitch and walk all over you.

Other than that just keep to yourself, be respectful, don't stare at other people, and NEVER sit on someone else's bed.

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>>39585733
t. black or latino criminal

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>>39587476
This

I've been in 3 times. It's pretty boring desu, good luck.

>>39585574
If I learned anything from Orange is the New Black, is that prison is like awesome and stuff.

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>>39585574
First day find the biggest dude in the room and punch him in the face. Guaranteed respect.

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>>39587486
Nah he's just getting OP in the mood

Dont drop the soap

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>>39585574

> If you are allergic to silicone make sure to stock up on water base lubricants. The last thing you want is an allergic reaction at the moment of insertion.

Pic might be related.

>>39588800
or do...

far be it for me to judge

>>39585574
read "convict conditioning"

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>>39585733
>This will get even worse with Trump.

Prove it.

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>>39587476
oh yeah you might as well learn meditation,check out zazen or stillness meditation. Look up a stretching routine.
You can learn that from books, but right now learn how to make prison wine. You can sell it or trade it and people will consider you more valuable if you can make some good hooch.

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>>39589507
watch and wait, son

>>39585574
>>39585726
>>39585821
allow the biggest, darkest man to penetrate you first and claim you as his territory. this way the betas will leave you alone knowing you're already the alpha's bitch-boi.

IN PRISON TRIHARD

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>>39586057
DONT LET YOUTSELF GET LAZY OP.
seriously, its very easy to let the laziness win, but don't. fucking push yourself - you have 25 months to worry about nothing but bettering and disciplining yourself. i hope you come out made of steel, mentally and physically. good luck bro.

>>39585574
Been in prison twice, first time was for 3 years for assault w deadly weapon and drug paraphernalia and 2nd time was for 6 years for break and enter and assault w deadly weapon

basically when you're in there avoid talking to anyone and if someone makes eye contact do not break eye contact first or you're their bitch and basically just be rude as fuck to everyone because that's the more alpha way to be, I'm 5'9" 165 lbs and nobody fucked with me in there so you should be fine man as long as you're arrogant and act like you're 10 feet tall

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>>39585733
Have you tried being polite, productive and compliant?
That's how white criminals avoid getting shot.

>>39590222
This. The staredown is a test in jail with newbies so don't break eye contact first otherwise you're labelled a bitch in that person's opinion

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>>39590222
Fuck bro, 9 years in the clink. You earned those trips man. Nice trips

>>39590331
It's nothing like people make it out to be unless you're from a white collar family who's privileged, than youre fucked because those guys never last being raised in a bitch ass family in a safe environment their whole life

>>39585574
Yeah they put me in for shanking my old lady....what can I say, the bitch had it coming heh. The one thing about life on the inside is that you have to establish yourself as the alpha if you don't want to end up as the resident bitch lol. First day in I asked somebody "yo who's the baddest motherfucker in this bitch" and went right up to him and socked him in the balls. As he fell to the ground I grabbed him by the shirt and told him "Guess what motherfucker, things are gonna be different around here from now on" then I ground his face into the ground. So that's what I'd tell young blood like you, heh.

>>39585783
> light brown hair
> white
Pick one

>>39585574
Join a group as soon as you are able.
If anyone can put money in your account, spend it all on toilet paper.

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>>39585733
Ya know, people seem to forget that not all people are racists. They get caught in generalities and suddenly the whole world is against the black people. All judges are racist, cops are racist, white people don't understand blacks because they're white but black people seem to understand how privileged whitey is.

It's no longer about progress. It's just blindly censoring shit these days and it's fuckin retarded and gay. Rather than fighting for equality, whites don't get a say about this or that. Their opinion is irrelevant and oppressive, so thus they oppress the whites.

This whole SJW bullshit is just a bunch of people becoming what they're supposed to be fighting against but they fly under a different flag so they're "better".

How muvh does it cost to build a cabin in the middle of nowhere with a fully equppied gym in the basement?

>>39585574
>I go to prison in 9 days. Tips?
the first tip will probably hurt the most, but you will get used to it.

thinking about gay cum

>>39585733
>le FUCKING WHITE MALE privilege meme
Kill yourself nigger

>>39586057
Learn meditation. Zazen or something. It helps you stay calm and alert, and you will have plenty of time to practice.

>>39586186
Where do you live? Is that a forest?

>>39586151
i read moby dick in one night when i was a teenager you fucking pleb

Just got out of german prison for beating up 2 sandniggers after they harassed my girlfriend, got 3 years for heavy assault.

Try to make friends (ironically i found 3 turkish friends in there and we stuck together the whole time) , but NEVER take anything "for free" or youll pay with your ass, get someone to send you money, meditate and train to keep sane.

Dont fuck with the guards. If anyone ever threatens you / acts weird around you have no problem with socking them in the fucking face and dont stop punching until they stop moving.

Eat everything they give you. Never talk on anyone.

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Wheel of time. Sword of truth, mistborn, stormlight archive, dark tower, a song of ice and fire. I did 15 months and read all of those it really helped pass the time

>>39592844
As a turk i want to say turks are pretty cool and they are no arabs

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>>39592844
how the fuck did you get 3 years for beating up sandniggers

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>>39592865
>as a t*rk

>>39592859
Good advice,

>>39588792

I chucked so heres your (you)

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Jail sounds great if it was just working out all day then reading books, without being expected to work.

>>39592896
I used a crowbar

>>39587109

As a prison guard myself, I can attest to all of this.

Stay under the radar. If people don't know you're name, that's a good thing.

Don't argue with the officers. You may not agree with them, and that's your right, but you won't win. You'll never win. Don't be an asshole to officers either because, again, you won't win. We always win in the end. Always.

Do your time, keep quiet, don't get caught up in bullshit, don't piss anyone off, DON'T BE A RAT.

Stay busy, get a job, take classes, become part of groups, etc.

Workout so you look like you're worth something.

Don't ever, under ANY circumstances, lay a finger on an officer. You will regret it. Do not yell at an officer, argue, call names, threaten, etc. They can make your time in prison go smoothly or be a nightmare day in and day out.

What state are you in?

>>39585644
>>39585668
>>39585699
>>39585743
>>39588429
>>39588453
>>39588491
>>39588534
>>39588661
>>39588764
>>39589503
>>39589533
>>39589647
>>39589730
>>39589776
>>39589810
>>39589925
>>39590166
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>>39592846
>>39593011
Are you alright man

>>39593118
sick cunt

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>>39593317

>>39593076
Literal Norwegian prison

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>>39585733
>posts about blacks getting incarcerated without evidence
>posts no evidence to prove his point
POETRY