/fit/izens, help a retard I'm a slim, autistic, underweight

You should read the sticky.
lift
eat
sleep

it's not rocket science

Protein
Caloric surplus
Weights

Lifting is a myth. Muscles are spread through genetic encoded DNA samples. The true key to gaining mass is to ingest as much protein rich DNA from buff dudes. If you go to a gym, and ask a buff guy for some protein rich DNA, he will share it with you and make you big. The best gym to find this DNA is on Hollywood boulevard. Show up at 11pm any week night, and wear a hot pink top.

Good luck annon.

>>39298500
I did read the sticky though. I want to gain weight and muscle, not lose weight and gain muscle though. The sticky doesn't really touch on that.

>>39298519
Thanks!

>>39298538
Thank you, I will try :^)

File: image.jpg (56KB, 640x360px) Image search: [Google]

56KB, 640x360px

>>39298687
>The sticky doesn't really touch on that.
But it does

>>39298699
>fattier meats are acceptable if trying to gain muscle mass
That's pretty much it regarding my issue.

I just found out some info in "counting calories" section, seems informative.

>>39298485
>>39298687
Taken from the sticky:

>Food determines how big you are. If you consume more calories than you expend, you will get bigger.
>To gain muscle, go for [16-18*(current bodyweight in pounds)] calories per day, every day. For example, if you're 150lbs you want to aim for [16-18*150], so 2400-2700 calories per day.

>>39298739
Yeah, I just found it. But that's it.

>>39298770
You expected more? That's literally all there is to it.

>>39298829
Well, uh. I kinda did. Alrighty then.

>>39298485
Eat lean meats and veggies, some bread or rice is good too.
Lift heavy things.
If you aren't getting bigger, eat more.
If you still aren't getting bigger, lift more.
If you STILL aren't getting bigger, lift AND eat more.

Also sleep on time and stop beating your dick so much, let the little guy rest.