>Having a job that allows a full beard >Looking like you

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>Having a job that allows a full beard
>Looking like you listen to Nathaniel Rateliff and the Nightsweats
>Looking like you're the kind of guy who will have one of those outdoor weddings where all the guys are in some hideous combination of brown dress pants, suspenders, neckties, and flat caps and the wedding registry is at Anthropologie and her engagement ring had a ruby or some shit on it because your wife saw the movie Blood Diamond and posted shit about conflict diamonds on Facebook for months
>Getting food and snot in your disgusting beard
>Looking like you constantly stroke your beard while reading Infinite Jest and pretending you understand it better than other people because you took an English course on postmodern literature
>Looking like you date the kind of girl who owns DVDs of Juno and 500 Days of Summer
>Looking like you went door to door telling people to vote for Bernie Sanders
>Looking like you spent your life savings on beard cream and beard oil
>Looking like you constantly find a way to bring your beard into everyday conversation
>Looking like you spend hours looking at pictures of old dead bearded dudes like Charles Evans Hughes
>Looking like you would give me all the statistics about a beer like it's a baseball player or some shit
>Looking like you've never had more than 4 figures in the bank at once