Full-New X-Men #1 Storytime

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>>87664273

With the first full issue completed in its entirety, and with previous pages having been so warmly-received here, it seemed an opportune moment to storytime the first full issue which we've just finished posting. And so, friends and /co/mrades, read and enjoy.

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>>87664287

And I'm off to a rollicking good start having posted from the wrong directory. How's your weekends going?

>>87664273
why are they wearing masks?

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>>87664295

And here we have Eva, having been given an upgrade from 0% Australian to 300% maximum Aussie courtesy of our re-write.

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>>87664296

Because it would be immodest of them to go around in public showing off their faces like harlots. They had a little thing called "dignity" in the good old days.

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>>87664314

I want to say that writing Eva's dialogue has been both the most difficult and the most enjoyable part of this re-write just for how absurd it feels having twelve tabs of Australian idioms and figures of speech open at any given time in order to write a single line of dialogue for her.

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>>87664323

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>>87664328

And here we have the point of origin for my single most enduring joke in the entire re-write so far, to the extent that the act of accidentally striking the "C" key next to the "X" key and realizing the potential of this typo cannot be considered said point of origin.

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>>87664339

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>>87664344

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>>87664350

Maybe Bobby should have gotten all Phoenixed-up in the previous arc. Then his powers would be all cool and in control like Cyclops and company's powers plainly are.

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>>87664361

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>>87664365

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>>87664370

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>>87664390

Pages like this with such glorious Immonen art really do kind of bum me out. Imagine what other, better stories he could have been working on with this level of skill and storytelling? But at least his labours give rise to this enterprise years later, and that's worth something.

>>87664273
Thank you

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>>87664404

Oh hey, look! The actual main cast of the series make their first appearance. Young Beast in particular - and more to the point the version of him I'm writing here - is always the most fun character in the book to write.

Bonus points to anyone who catches what I have come to think of as two easter eggs on this page insofar as that people seem slow to notice them when shown the full issue but which weren't intended as such at the time.

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>>87664428

What ever could have so arrested their attention? Stay tuned for the next thrilling page to find out!

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>>87664442

And here's Jean and Warren. The fourth and (arguably) fifth main characters in the series making their debut at the penultimate moment in the first issue. Warren never gets much more character development or page-time in any future issue than he does in the first one, but by jove he tries.

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>>87664458

I had a reader message me earlier today asking for some clarification as to what "by this time" means in terms of the timeline of this comic. I told him what I tell anyone else who's wondering about the years in question: There's a clue at the beginning of this scene.

And with this, we bring the first full issue to a close. There's five issues done with, and one page is being posted once a day every day at our tumblr. If you're more of a twitter or facebook type, there's links down at the bottom of the page to make use of those platforms instead. We're all about making it as easy as possible to keep up with this venture.

The cover of issue number two is already up on the main blog, as well as on all the other platforms. Page 1 of the second issue also goes up today at 3 PM EST.

>>87664428

>these past four weeks

I see what you did there

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>>87664361

Wait a minute, I've seen that suit Kitty is wearing before...

>>87665041
Jesus, you're right. Unbelievable.

>>87664744
Bendis's baffling assumption of how quickly Scott got head-over-heels for Jean is second only to his incomprehensible concept of what time period the younger X-Men came from, given the ever-sliding time frame for the continuity.

>>87664339

>C-Men

Welp. That's my headcanon forever.

>>87665464

Bendis was almost aggressive in not getting how the timescale of the Marvel Universe worked. Does anyone have that page of Eva tumbling through time, and one of the scenes was the Fantastic Four in the 1960s? People were speculating that this was going to be some sort of big reveal regarding the nature of time in Marvel (something like what Ewing would later do in Ultimates) rather than Bendis just being sloppy and lazy.

>>87664370
You're so so good. I followed every marvel parody and yours may be some of the best. Just my thoughts.

>>87665589
You never, ever expect Bendis not to be lazy. Rule 1 of being a Marvel reader.

>>87665636
Agreed, I hope this goes on for a while at least.

>>87665636

Well, you have my thanks. Issue 1 was a little tough to write with so much jumping around between characters and scenes with no clear focus, but once the O5 X-Men get control of the spotlight and I get to really start playing with their interplay and characterization, I think things get a whole lot better. If you liked this issue, you'll love what's coming.

>>87665690

But he's also the type that likes to be remembered for making Big Changes, so it didn't seem impossible at the time.

>>87666356
True, and generally speaking you can expect those big changes to be fairly sloppy too. Don't get me wrong, he has his good moments as a writer, but his ever-expanding production and its tropes definitely deserve to be lampooned, and this parody so far seems on the right track to do that fairly well.

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I'll just leave this here.
1/4

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>>87667828
2/4

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>>87667842
3/4

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>>87667854
4/4

>>87667864
I had seen this last page, and figured it was just shit writers doing their thing.
I have no clue how much of this is shooped, now.

>>87667987
>I have no clue how much of this is shooped, now.
Just the last page. Notice how it fits with the preceding three edited pages with barely a ripple?

>>87667828
All these pages were done from the same writing/editing team as this current "Full-New X-Men" parody, apparently. Clearly they upped their game over the past few months.

>>87664344
Panel 4 NOW I get it! rofl

>>87665041
>>87665219
Welcome to late 2012, anons.

>>87664428
I can't make my mind up about the fact that it's one day prior to 9/11 since nothing here seems to be a cheeky reference to it. But having the O5 being taken from that issue where Xavier faked his death was a great idea, it fits so well with the characters.

>>87667864
Dat Ass.

>>87664428
Was... was that the date in the original comic?

>>87670734
No. The original doesn't have a specific date. Not even a "Then." caption.

>>87664428
>>87664442
>>87664458
>>87664487
There's a lot of Young Hank in this, right? I love him already.

>>87670692
God damn, yeah.

>>87670846
Correct! This was one of the "easter eggs" of sort I mentioned earlier, with the altered letter Scott's writing in the same scene being the other.

>>87671196
Then be prepared to love him even more going forward, good sir! Rest assured that there's plenty more to come from him in issue 2 and onwards, and his sense of humour only gets more ludricrous.

>>87669635

That's the beauty of time-ttravel stories. Everything old is new again, including our reactions.

I actually kind of liked this
Love how you're doing your own plot shit too instead of just making fun of the original plot like... 100% of edits do
Will read the rest and follow

Certainly taking up a large task if you plan to pick up Uncanny as well, that would be like 100 issues with tie ins

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>>87676079

There's going to be a bit of both. It is an always will be a satire and so you're going to see us having fun at the expense of the source material, but the plot will diverge in some pretty dramatic ways in issue 2 as well, which I'm looking forward to people seeing.

Speaking of which, since the thread has lived long enough to see another update... here's the cover and page 1 of issue 2!

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>>87676294

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>>87664295
Text is tiny, but I can still manage to read it.

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>>87676524

Yeah, it's an issue. Tumblr re-sizes big images which poses a problem with these two-page spreads sometimes. Here, have a full-sized version.

>>87664365
Holy fuck this whole page lmao

>>87676627

Yeah I had a lot of fun writing that scene. Sadly Christopher here doesn't appear again until issue 4, and then only briefly, but there's a nice callback to this scene when he does, so I invite you to keep it in mind when he does.

>>87669635
Did people pick up on that when the issue first came out? I don't recall.

>>87664458
> that's why I came wearing these goggles

doing a great job so far

>>87664339
Made me laugh mate

>>87677446

Cheers, mate!

>>87664287
Why is Kim Jong Il on the X-men?

>>87679704

I presume that once he developed his healing powers, the very first thing that Christopher did was to cure himself of his obesity problem, and this cover image shows him as he had been before this sensible use of his powers.

>>87676312
dat ass tho

>>87680389
Leave it to Bendis to introduce a character who can heal any physical affliction with a touch, but still needs to wear glasses.

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>>87681459

After this story-arc we never see him wearing them again, so I'm inclined to believe that somewhere between issues it occurs to him that this is an easy problem for him to deal with actually. Which is a shame because otherwise I'd love to make a joke about him having never even needed those glasses in the first place and that they were always just a hipster fashion thing.

>>87664458

>It's like looking into a mirror!

For fuck's sake. That made me laugh way too hard.

>>87664309

You know, I just noticed Eva's outfit is an allusion to the Dark Phoenix.

>>87664323
as a Australian i approve of evas accent

>>87682163

I'm sure that Jean just managed to popularize that look and there's knockoff versions of her outfit being produced in Chinese sweatshops day and night.

>>87664361
>You're being racist to elves

what shitty writing is this ?

>>87682381

Elf lives matter.

>>87682381
My bad, I didn't see it was a parody, I thought it was a legitimate Bendis writing, sorry

>>87682440

Personally I'm entertained by the fact that you were able to make it that far without anything else giving you a hint that something was amiss. I'd have thought for sure that the "C-Men" bit would have been a dead giveaway!

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>>87682395
Nah, they don't.

>>87682163
I'm sure Iron Man's red and gold armor is too then

>>87676710
Of course we did. There was an anon angry enough to have made multiple threads calling Bendis a hack for that, when if anything that's all on Stuart.

>>87682484
To be honest, I didn't read all the pages the first time

>>87682545

I can only imagine what a confusing, disjointed experience that must have produced for you.

>>87682529
>Of course we did. There was an anon angry enough to have made multiple threads calling Bendis a hack for that, when if anything that's all on Stuart.

Of ALL THE THINGS to be angry at Bendis about in this run, I find it hilarious that someone would pick something as trivial as that to be the focal point for their rage.

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>>87682605
Eh, assuming you weren't there to witness the past-AvX climate newfag, you have to bear in mind that this was immediately before the run started. Marvel's hype machine was in full throttle, I think we saw like 15 pages of the first issue among different previews before it came out. Some /co/mrades were cautious, but from the interviews Bendis made we gathered that
>we wanted to write Scott was "lol it wasn't me"
>Scott and Emma broke up because he didn't like the couple
>timetravel plot with the most boring team of X-men ever
>Beast wouldn't get fixed but bagged with another bad decision instead
>new OCs would get introduced as PoV characters
>broken powers subplot
Also no sign of a book called Uncanny X-men, which had been the flagship for decades. And this was right after AvX, which radicalized X-fans HARD. Gillen posted a photo of him wearing a self-made "Cyclops was right" shirt. Panels were being edited with X GON GIVE IT TO YA lyrics. And now that the franchise was in a great place to be relaunched, we were being saddled with Bendis and the original X-men.
So everytime a new preview page or a new interview came up, people's bad impressions would only get confirmed.

>>87682836
Meant to write
>*he wanted to write Scott as "lol it wasn't me"

>>87682836
>he wanted to write Scott was "lol it wasn't me"

Of the various problems I have with Bendis's run, this isn't one of them. His approach as stated in the comics was "The Phoenix was messing with our heads" which is obviously true. I think that Scott did the best he could with a complex situation but was only partially in control of his own decision-making process.

>Scott and Emma broke up because he didn't like the couple

Yeah, that's... pretty typical Bendis. "I don't like it and therefore the characters don't like it either because I'm incapable of writing characters with more complexity than my own personal tastes."

>timetravel plot with the most boring team of X-men ever

Reading these comics in really granular detail, it's obvious that he was only interested in Scott, Hank and Jean. Warren and Bobby are barely even characters in this. They get about two or three lines of dialogue in most issues and none of their decisions tend to have any impact on advancing the plot. As bad as Bendis always is in writing ensemble casts, this is one of the most egregious examples.

>Beast wouldn't get fixed but bagged with another bad decision instead

I'll excuse this to the extent that it's a continuation of the characterization we'd seen in recent years, but knowing that the physical transformation is a result of Bendis's personal hatred of "cat Beast" makes it drearily predictable rather than exciting.

>new OCs would get introduced as PoV characters

Characters who appear for a couple of pages and then promptly disappear from All-New X-Men. I've written five and a half issues of this satire, and the amount of time devoted to Benjamin Deeds in those issues is fucking surreal considering that he winds up not even being a part of this cast and inconsequential even in Uncanny. Bendis really didn't have a plan for most of these characters.

>broken powers subplot

Which is weird since in the first two issues their powers are obviously working just fine.

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>>87664390
You now remember that Jason Aaron was the only person in the universe who gave a shit about IceCat and even he wrote it as a joke.

>>87682911
>Warren and Bobby are barely even characters in this
Well, Warren is the first one to get mindraped by the whore and the one who leaves the team to join Scott in order to eventually go back.
And is Benjamin Deeds nuMorph? The issue where Emma Frost trains him was at least hot as fuck for a TF fetishist.

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>>87683365
>You now remember that Jason Aaron was the only person in the universe who gave a shit about IceCat and even he wrote it as a joke.

Come on, "BobCat" is the cuter name for that. And you know what's weird? For the first 14 issues Bendis actually writes it as really sweet and cute, and then just SLAMS the breaks on it at the end of Battle of the Atom in this crazy abrupt way. I really think that was the moment he decided on the sexuality retcon and wanted to start cleaning house for it.

>And is Benjamin Deeds nuMorph?

I would lay good money on Bendis not realizing that the Morph from the TV series already existed under a different name in Earth 616 and that he was creating "the" 616 version of the TV show character, not realizing that there already was one.

>>87664273
Are you the same guys that did the edits for the Hickman run?

>>87683717

I wish! No, that was Illuminated Comics. It was actually after reading their re-writes that I was inspired to set about this series after having been considering doing so for a year or so.

Their stuff can be found here:

http://illuminatingcomics.tumblr.com/

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>>87683717

I will never be able to look at this page of theirs without laughing out loud. One of the few moments in that series where for a brief few seconds Carol Danvers manages to be a sympathetic figure.