What do you guys know about services which you can use as fake

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What do you guys know about services which you can use as fake work references?

I fucked my life up pretty badly in my early 20s. I had a shitty degree and couldn't get a job so I tried going back to school for a different degree but dropped out and just started playing poker. When the poker sites got shut down I started selling drugs for a year or so before transitioning into doing freelance webdev (basically competing with pajeets making wordpress and drupal themes).

I've been doing this for a few years and need a real job but my resume is a joke. I basically have like 7 years unaccounted for before starting freelancing. I don't know what to do other than lie. I also have a shitty credit report for another 2 years due to me defaulting on credit cards during the poker to drug dealer transition when I was in full blown downward spiral mode, so I'm a bit worried about background checks. I can't really say I was happily working at some fake company and just defaulted on 15k in credit cards in 2012 for the fuck of it. I'm thinking maybe lying about an illness or injury to explain that?

fuck... help me please.