Alright /b/ please help me out I'm on probation and now

>>743907403
Why don't you butt chug vodka instead. It won't show up on a breathalyzer that way. You'll get wayyyy more fucked up too.

I do breath alcohol testing for a living. Alcohol fumes will stay in your lungs for about 8 hours. This varies depending on how much you drink. The more you drink, the longer it will stay in your system. 1 beer may last as long as 3 hours.

try this
http://morning-after.org.uk/?page_id=82

Two words

Desk fan

>>743907591
this. booze enema. but be really careful because it soaks up to your blood stream super super quick compared to drinking. so you can get alcohol poisoning much quicker.

>>743907403
Stop drinking you fucking alcoholic. Smoke a joint

>>743907403
>>743907676
can you blow but with some of filter in between?

>>743907591
Op here I'm actually considering this, how can I do it without dying?

>>743907403
Get someone else who hasnt drank to breathe in it, pay some random guy on the street.

>>743907814
It takes my picture as well

liver metabolizes roughly 1 drink per hour, that is, the alcohol contents of 2cl of a 40% spirit. now do the math

>>743907858
on the off chance you actually are OP and are this retarded, butt chugging alcohol will still show up on a fucking breathalyzer, it doesn't matter how you ingest it

>>743907863
This

OP, I dont know of any filters that would entirely mask the fumes while still allowing enough breath through to be read. Ive had people try to suck charcoal and it didnt work. Do you have to blow zeros, or just below a cerain limit?

>>743907937

20ml*0.4)/10
0.8 Units,

Like 40 minutes + 1 hour to get into bloodstream

>>743907403
putting alcohol in your butt is a good way to die and it ends up in your bloodstream and exhaled regardless.

what'd you do, anyway? I had one of those in my car after my DUI. I wouldn't fuck around with it, you will be royally screwed. do coke or something.

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>>743908008
I am that retarded

>>743908156
I got my 6th underage drinking fine so now I'm on probation for it

And yes, butt chugging will show up on a breathalyser. The alcohol goes into your blood, and when your blood enters your lungs to oxygenate the alcohol fumes fill your lungs. This is what is detected.

what the hell did you do to deserve that cruel punishment?

>>743907403
Sooo, what happends if you get caught?
Prison rape?

>>743908356
Most likely, just jail rape though so it isn't that bad

>ingesting feminizing phytoestrogens for every meal

You were never meant to eat so much soy but it's in fucking everything, now we have sissy white men posting their shaved legs on /g

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>>743908329
womp womp. well in that case I assume you have to blow 0.0 each time, so...yeah up to you but no way I'd risk that, fuck it

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Buy acid instead of booze.

>>743908471
wat

>>743908008
This. The alcohol gets into your breath by entering the lungs through the blood stream. If you put booze in your ass, it will enter your blood stream and then your lungs and come out in your breath. The route of administration is irrelevant.

I don't think you can really risk more than two beers. Maybe three at most if they're 5%.

>>743908202
lol nice, in all seriousness i wouldn't risk it. if you had a .08 at midnight you'd just barely be .00 by 6 AM. if you're trying to get fucked up you'll def still have a balance by then

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I'm thinking if I just drink a good amount right after 7:45 and coast from there, I should be in the clear

>>743907403
>7:46pm
>chug entire bottle of vodka

>>743907403
This is cruel and unusual punishment. What did you do to deserve this?

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>>743908707
6th underage

>>743908329
haha you must be really dumb, there is no way around that thing, you cant drink, how long do you have to do that? Im sure they got you peeing in a cup too, sucks man...... do nitrous oxide whippets, or mushrooms

>>743908759
...this isn't you, is it

>>743908830
Are you retarded?

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>>743908830
Kek no

OP you are a sucker, you are on probation for some misdemeanor shit when you dont have to be

get your PROBATION REVOKED, get a good deal worked out for its revocation with a lawyer. It will involve some prison time, but not much for your dumb crimes, maybe 2 weeks, 1 month worst case but they will probably offer you the ankle bracelet for a month VS probation for 2 years and all your drug tests and shit. If your an alcoholic might as well just do a bit of jail time and get OFF PAPER

>>743908998
i meant to say jail time, not prison*

>>743908927
>>743908890
oh shit i may be retarded

Don't butt chug! Your body releases the majority of it's alcohol out of your breath, doesn't matter how it gets in, comes out of your mouth.

Buy some phenibut and wait till it arrives and get as fucked up as you want. I recommend 1gram as starting dose.

>>743908998
I was thinking about doing that to be honest, but if I have to go to jail, which they said would be 15 days, then I'll lose my job, which is a good one that I really need

>>743908927
Fuck yeah New Glarus.

>>743908035

Exactly i thought that would be the logical thing to do but this fucker has to make it complicated.

>>743907814
No dude. If someone had figured out how to beat it,it would be sold. And then the breathalyzer companies would come up with a new model.

>>743909168
can you do it over weekends? I did weekend jail and it was chill.

>>743909271
Hell yea it's honestly my favorite beer out there

>>743907403
I don't know if this will work 100%, but just listen
>First, DO NOT DRINK YET. THIS ENTIRE PLAN DEPENDS ON NOT DRINKING YET.
>Get a balloon
>Blow it up all the way so that it's full of air
>Clip it or tie it or whatever and save it for later
>Get wasted
When you need to take the breathalyzer, use this balloon, and make more when you're sober. Let me know if it works.

This thread makes jail sound like detention lol

>>743909168
well you will be going to jail anyway for probation violations by drinking or smoking weed eventually, tell the job the situation and if it doesnt work out get another job, this probation could cost you big time down the road

>>743909387
Yea, do this op it totally works

>>743909387
That's fucking genius

>>743907403
maybe you fill up beachball with clean breathe.....
go drink....
use beachball air to blow into tester while drunk....
rinse, repeat when necessary

>>743909387
You do realize breathing balloon air is the same as regular air? There would be no difference.

>>743909401
would you rather be 100% sober for 2 years
or
do 15 days sleeping and reading books and then go back to getting fucked up, pretty easy choice

>>743909272
IT TAKES MY PICTURE NIGGER

>>743909549
What I'm saying is that the balloon will have the sober air in it. OP will take the balloon, put it on the breathalyzer nozzle, and blow the air in. The machine will think that he's sober and he can get fucked up

>>743909601
God damn it you are really convincing me to just drink my heart away tonight and just go to jail

>>743908830
2k17
>not knowing who t1 is

>>743909601
shiiiiiiiiiiit the second one.

>>743909387
Quick google says balloons don't have enough pressure.

Or that breathalyzers have measures against this such as asking to suck in air and shit.

>>743909650
The air will enter his body. All air is sober air until you breathe it in. I hope you're trolling

>>743909610
swallow the balloon and have it fill your throat, trachea, lung cavity, pull air in, push it out into the tester. Then quickly try to remove balloon before you suffocate

>>743907403

If you wake up hung over, eat a burger, then blow. You'll be fine.

>>743909773
no you fucktard, he's blowing the air straight from the balloon into the thing. he's not breathing balloon air and then breathing it out again

>>743909805
it's that simple all you other cunts are retarded

>>743909698
>Low pressure
Then he can squeeze the balloon and make it have the high pressure.
>Suck air in
Shit....hold on I'll come up with something
>>743909773
No no no you're not listening.
The BALLOON will blow the air in. Not OP.

>>743909805
LOL yeah OP do this one

Pour hard liquor into it

>>743907591
That doesn't work. You exhale alcohol from your bloodstream

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This machine takes my picture, I have to look into the camera and it has facial recognition. It takes quite a. It of pressure blowing into it to. I think my best bet is timing out my drinking so I blow 0s in the am

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>>743908329
Hold up, did I hear
> underage drinking fine
?

Faggot, 4chan is for adults! Leave now or enjoy ban!

>>743907403
Put a piece of copper in your mouth when you blow in to the machine and it won't show up

>>743909688
better to get the deal done first, PV time aint gonna count towards time served. Just take the device back to your PO, dont blow in it if you drink, just say you want to revoke and ask for a hearing, hopefully they dont PV you and make you wait in jail untill the revocation hearing.

TLDR: maybe wait until you get the revoke worked out, i dont know how fast the probation will pounce on your for drinking tonight

>>743910033
Drinking age is 21 I'm 19 you fucking faggot

>>743909992

You sure it takes a picture of the nozzle too? You could still blow and have the balloon over the nozzle.

>>743910093
Write fuck you cunts on your forehead before you blow into it again. Do it every time you need to use it. Call them nazis n shit.

Yeah. Drink heavy for an hour or so and then knock it on the head. Easy pass in the morning.

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>>743910093
What the fuck? Which retarded piece of shit country do you live in, if I may ask?

>>743909992
does it take your picture while you are blowing or right before you blow?

could try and feed it a balloon of clean air if you can figure out a way to clamp some balloons shut.

>>743908830
It's a meme u dip

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>>743909992
>I think my best bet is timing out my drinking so I blow 0s in the am

Or just don't fucking drink?

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>>743910214
I don't know how I'm going to do this, but I will somehow manage to make them see my sweet lil peaches

>>743910374

enjoy tasting your own grundle later

>>743909610
Do heroin

>Store clean sample of breath in a bag
>get fucked up
>heat bag slightly
>squeeze bag into machine when test needed

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>>743910374
You could shove the tube up your arse and push real hard

>>743910346
Obviously that isn't an option jackass.

If itvwas would he be making this thread dipshit?

Use your fucking head. He is asking how he can drink and still pass the breathalyzer.

What you just did is the equivalent of a little kid asking you to help him with a math problem and your response being, "just don't do it"

How fucking dense are you?

>>743909805
This

>>743910047
fake news

So if it takes your photo then you can't even get someone else to blow into it for you.

I don't think you have any realistic options op.

In case it tests for water vapor and temperature fill a balloon with your breath and heat it up to body temperature before usage.
To circumvent the picture either use a printed picture of you blowing in front of the balloon, or hide a tube from the balloon trough your arm until the nozzle and pretend to blow on it for the picture
Don't forget to tell the story later

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>>743910561
>Obviously that isn't an option

It's always an option.

>>743910561
Thanks anon, all these pretentious fucks telling me not to drink. I just want a break man

>>743910275
Probably a yank. If you haven't had your stomach pumped by age 16 you are doing something wrong

>>743910275
sounds like the good ol' US of A FUCKIN RIGHT AMERICA OORAH

>>743910696
Your welcome. Dumbasses like him think they're being "smart and witty" but in reality it just makes them unlikeable and annoying to be around.

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>>743910275
I live in the US, more specifically, Wisconsin

>>743909992
Stick your anus on it and fart. If they cops say "that's not your mouth that's your anus" tell them you didn't sleep much the night before and offended they're making fun of your appearance

>>743910849
Or just say that you were too drunk to remember.

Option 1. Smoke a joint instead unless you have to piss test.

Option 2. Blow up a balloon and use the good air before you drink. If you're already drunk, buy a cheap air mattress pump to blow up the balloon with good air. You can get them at wal mart.

Option 3. Do both lol
What did you do to deserve this?

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>>743910839
Wow. I can't say I didn't expect it, though. The "land of the free" was a blatant lie from the very beginning.

>>743907403
the answer is no, you can't that machine is designed to make sure you can't you have basically 0 chance because your breath ends up smelling like booze because of it in your blood and the air passing over your throat picks it up from blood vessels, and it's gonna be in your blood if you drink enough to get fucked up no matter HOW you do it.

In short, you have 2 choices, break probation or don't drink, That's It.

>>743910964
he's too young

do you actually need to blow through it? is it possible to fake it with balloons filled with your exhaled breath from earlier in the day?

OP I think its as simple as not breaking probation.

I know I get nothing out of you drinking or not and I'm just telling you the wise choice here.

>>743910977
We still drink man, hence the underages >>743910727

>>743910632
This is the first idea, being the machine in black, your printed portrait in blue and in red the balloon
I'd fill a few in case you mess up while setting that up being drunk

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>>743911185
Forgot picture

>>743911157
OP is probably an alcoholic (or dumb, either way) and just wants to drink.

I feel ya OP, I keep drinking despite everything

>>743907721
does dis actually work xd

>>743907807
but weed doesn't make you unable to stand up

>>743911253
I'm both and I know it

>>743908469
>jail rape
Kek. Believing that will get you raped.

>>743911252
Genius

Get a piece of flexible hose and put it on the end of the tube, put your mouth over where the flexible hose joins to the tube, have the hose go under out your mouth and have someone else blow into the hose

>>743911252
Simulating the conditions of your breath (temperature and humidity for example) might be critical for this to work

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>>743907403
Well, my advice to you would be to drink, a shitload THEN blow into it. When they say "HEY you drank!" explain to them you're an adult, and that so long as you aren't driving or bothering anyone, you can do whatever the fuck you want. Then punch whoever is trying to tell you what to do in the throat.

Man the fuck up.

>>743911374
I fucking wish

>>743911362
Or even someone who isn't drunk behind the portrait

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>>743911183
You should consider smashing your beer bottles and go do an assault on the White House. Seriously, you can do all kinds of rediculous stuff at 18, but have to wait 21 for a drop of alcohol? Why the fuck isn't Trump doing something about this shit?

>>743911374
Either that or move into a non-nigger country

>>743911308
atta boy.

real talk though, I sure as fuck never drank and then blew into mine. I know you want to drink but I can imagine you being in a world of hurt if you blow anything.

AND, I also know that if you drink one, you'll want two, and then you'll want three. one's too many and a thousand isn't enough.

I'll just have an extra one on your behalf

>>743911374
That pic lol

>>743911422
Why not? Why are they making you do all this bullshit?

You're underage or something? Not to buy a gun. When the social worker or whoever comes, empty the clip into his face. Stand up for yourself.

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I GOT THIS!

Ok, here's what you do OP!
Find someone who does piercings. Have him drill a small hole through your mouth under your tongue.
pass a tube through it, attach balloon with clean air on one side, stick the tube to the testing machine thingy on the other!
The picture will not be able to see the tube or the balloon, it will look as if you are normally blowing air in it!!!

I accept congratulations for beating the system!

>>743911518
You know me so well anon, god I need a fucking cigarette now

>>743911501
Have you got Down syndrome? Genuine question

>>743907591
It doesnt matter how alcohol is consumed. Alcohol is absorbed into the bloodstream where it mixes with oxygen in the lungs and is exhaled. You could shoot liquor in your veins, and you would still exhale it

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>>743911618
Can you explain why noone protests about those shit laws? If not, you have to shut the hell up

>>743911611
What would happen if you said u just forgot to do it and done it later when you've sobered up?

>>743909992
Blow into it every couple minutes. Shit, every couple seconds.

They want compliance, fine. Overload them with data.

And when you give it back to them, return it to them absolutely covered in old, crusty semen and piss and shit.

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Oh my god my sides are done from this thread

>>743911183
Most people In cities have been drunk by age 13-14 and is alot less of a "right of passage". Yank underage drinking is like cider at 17-18

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>>743911361

Yo that just may work. Put the nozzle in your mouth but have it go out through the side but cover the part coming out.

>>743911746
Also, hours before you turn it back in, fart into the fucking thing.

>>743911600
This is a damn good idea. Now all you have to do is deform your probably already fucked up face

>>743911754
13-14 sounds about right for here, but then again we're the drunkest state in the us

>>743911498
/Thread

google blow clean kid

>>743908329
Look here ladies and gentlemen, a complete idiot with no future.

>>743911611
hey man, one alcoholic to another. most amount of time sober I've had lately is about a week, so I know what you're feeling.

it totally blows, and like I said, I would never drink and then blow into it. but this is coming from a guy who drank before getting out of bed before work today, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

>>743911726
Your right you go start the protest at the white house I'll follow you

>>743911904
nah, fuck you man, you don't know that. I don't think OP is going to stay sober for a long time, but I sure as shit didn't know at 19 that I had a drinking problem, so he's way ahead of me.

>>743909981
This. As someone who had to attend a bullshit seminar in college after being caught for underage drinking, they explained this.

You can get drunk way faster if it goes in rectally because of how the intestine works.

However, once alcohol is in your bloodstream, your body starts to process it. The bydroct will always be alcohol detected on your breath from your lungs until your liver has handled it.

In general, your liver cleans one drink an hour. Or the equivalent of a shot.

Drink double that in water once you are done drinking and you should be good if you planned your timing correctly.

>>743911904
Yea, it is what it is, I work hard and pay what I need to though

>>743907403
Just man up you alcoholic trash.

>>743911805
This might just be the solution, they won't notice that it is your ass as your face probably looks like it

Duh. Just get a bug lifesize a3 picture of your face blowing. Poke the tube where the mouth is and get a mate to blow in it behind the picture. I know I'm a genius

>>743912086
This.

>>743907403
Smoke weed instead faggot. Get some acid, some mushrooms, DMT, mescaline, adderal. There's a shit ton of alternatives that are better both health wise and experience wise

>>743908503
This nigga knows

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Trips and I chug and fail my test

Air compressor? Bicycle pump? It's a little too late to experiment now though, you need to be sober in case it doesn't work.

>>743912559
Roll
You better deliver if it happens faggot

don't drink you fucking twat

>>743912559
haha - you're going to fail your test by drinking a Coors? you are an alcoholic. much respect.

>>743912634
I will, honestly might even do it anyways

>>743912559
i mean if you can chug like maximum 4-5 of those you will be good tomorrow at 6

>>743907403

/b/ i am dissapoint. Get a baloon , blow it up while you are sober, when the time to send your test in comes just empty the baloon into the tube. The moisture and CO content will be enough for the breathalyser to work as it also measures lambda.

>>743912559
Roll

>>743912559
Rolling but you better have more than cans of that piss

>>743912559
your body can def get rid of one of those per hour, as long as you have as many hours without drinking as beer you chug you are good, so if you chug 4 beers now, give it 4 hours

>>743912729
Go for it, you'll be momentarily famous to anonymous people on the internet

>>743907403
Get one of those pumps to blow up an air mattress or inflatable whatever, stick the nozzle on the end of the breathalyzer and see if it reads!

>>743912819
IT TAKES A PHOTO! LINGER LONGER!

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>>743912841
Yea man I'll slug em

>>743912974
Get going nig it's Miller time!

>>743912559
Rawl

>>743912559
rolling.
don't let me down op.

>>743913088
Cheked

>>743912559
roll
Godspeed OP