depression and shit cont. other thread died, but it helped

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its ok, if theres nobody outside...but i ll bump this a few times, maybe you wanna join

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cont.
has your gf exposed you after she broke up? if not, are you afraid she will? and do you think she would?

bump

also my story:

i grew up in a small town, loving and caring family
shit just got real, when i got out of school and lived the first year on my own feet...
lost all of my friends, cause they moved to other places in the world...
lost my gf, cause this fuckin bitch couldnt say we re over, but pretended everything would be ok, but she lost feelings for me, just drained me of my money and emotions, fuckin cancerous girl...
now i cant trust people, am bitter and overthink all my reactions, emotions and stuff, so i dont commit fully in a human realtionship

>>737700118
not the guy you were writing with....
i hope he will contact you, so you can maybe help him

>>737700118
>>737700397

or maybe he will join uns again

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little insight on depressions and emotions : on a certain point, the depression will take away your emotions, all the good and bad ones. being unable to express emotions but still being able to feel, your mind starts to deal with feelings differently.
As it will start looking for emotions, it will start looking into the second best thing : memories.
memories are often tied to several emotions, and that's handy for your mind. situations and feelings will be compared to memories and the emotion tied to it, thus resulting in expressing that emotion. for your mind it's real, and you will continue to work, until hit with a feeling no corresponding memory and thus an emotion can be found.
this results in a major breakdown for your mind, resulting in anxiety and other primal urges, like the need for Sex.
if the primal urges are suppressed by the depression, you enter the suicidal state, and here it gets to the edge of being sick or being sick to death.

The breakdown can be compared to programming, your written program will crash if it enters a state it wasn't written to be in.

hope this was interesting to read!

>>737700397
i ve done alot of drugs in the last years, trying to cope with that fear, so i could talk normally to people
but at the end of the day, im always sitting at home, thinking about how i could end this

i know the answer, but i dont think i could reach this goal....
i cant even bring to the point to get some food, cause everything is pointless

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>>737700665
sauce?

>>737700824
studies?

>>737700665
it is....

my current gf is majoring in psycholgy... so i know some things...but....fuck this

the worst part is, it is hard to remember the good things in my youth.... everything is blurry and just seems like the memory of someone else

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>>737700907
What? I was talking about the pic nigga

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>>737701098
oh.
I don't have sauce, but other tits.

>>737700908
im surrounded by good people...
good friends, loving family, caring gf...
but i feel like, i never learned how i can be nice to myself...
i cant take their love, cause i cant give myself love
i pretend to be happy, because i dont want them to worry about me, it feels horrible, but the thought, that they will worry about me, is even more hurtful
so i often crawl into my room, shut myself in and do nothing except writing edgy songs about my state of mind...
i cringe about my entire existence, but i dont have the stregth to change it....

I have a pet theory that depression is sometimes just a lack of protein. I think this because the neurochemicals responsible for mood is made of protein, and there's literally no other explanation for my depression, when I had it... Not much to tell, because it was just unexplainable emptiness.

>>737701275
you need to share the load on your mind with your loved ones. they won't reject you, maybe distance themselves, but not reject you. if your gf was in your state of mind, would you like her to deal. with it secretly or tell you about it?

>>737701502
i would want to help her...
i know, i have to share my thoughts with them...

and i know they would understand and be open minded about it, because they all, my gf, family and friends are truly good people,
but i have this fear of being rejected, i know, on the logical side, that they wont reject me, but this fear has my mind going blank, to the point i forget simple words and stuttering like a total retard...
i tried writing it down for them, but later i burned the letter, even now, im writing with total strangers, but i cringe on every post i make

>>737701308
>>737701308
you should read "potatoes not prozac"

fwiw I get too much protein and im depressed as fuck :(

Wish that was the solution

>>737701862
i would devour entire living chicken, if it could help me

>>737699926
Her fault for relaxing around blax.

>>737701862
That's why I said "some", because I know biology is complex and people get varying results from anti-depressants.

I will check out that book, though.

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>>737701275
Dude I'm similar to you in so many cases there. Except now I just can't pretend to be happy anymore. I've been doing it for so long and I just don't have the energy anymore. No more mana in my pool, no more reserves to draw on, just no more.

I've stopped reaching out to friends, I've stopped talking to family, and stopped working and going to school. Half of me is just trying to work up the courage to kill myself and the other half is trying to get better. I just don't have the strength and energy to do anything nowadays.

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>>737699926
I have a lot of inside hurts OP

It sucks how few people take mental health problems seriously.

It's like being an amputee, but no one can see that you don't have an arm.
they are just like "whats your problem. you look fine to me. stop complaining."

>>737699926
>>737702427
your pic is relevant to me also. saved.

>>737702274
>>737701803
everyone feels cringe. most of my patients have to fear of reject, but that stems from the rejection they're putting on themselves.
accept you're sick, if it would be your spinal, you would tell someone.

You're sick, tell someone. dont stop, someone will hear you.

Otherwise try writing yourself a letter. can be your current self, or a past self or. maybe a future self of you. tell a different yourself what you always wanted to. you can try if you will reject you.

>>737702427
.. alcohol helps.

>>737702274
i also thought many times about ending myself, but then i imagine, i would pass my pain onto my loved ones, i probably would, so i try to stay strong for them?
dunno, it even sounds wrong for me, because its always the same, i do all the shit for others, but i cant do shit for me
yes, they recognize what i do for them, but i, most of the time, cant see their thankfulness

i feel like i have never learned to take care of myself, comforting my sorry ass, im angry about myself but the anger fuels my self hate and lethargy even more

>>737702723
i know, the fear is just in my head
but thats the point, i cant even say, when im physically hurt, i pretend to be strong and try to go on

but thank you based anon, i ll try

maybe i can biuld up the courage
i dont want to drown in this

>>737702274
>stopped working and going to school. Half of me is just trying to work up the courage to kill myself and the other half is trying to get better. I just don't have the strength and energy to do anything nowadays.

>tfw I've been doing that for half a decade now
All I do is avoid reality day in, day out. I'll never change, even if only for the sole reason that I keep saying so.

Given that, the best solution would be dying of external causes, but I'm not that lucky. Food and lack of exercise won't do shit until I'm closer to 50, which is several decades of meaningless day to day.
I'd rather kill myself, but I don't have the couple hundred it'd cost to buy a shotgun, and don't trust myself to NOT fuck up anything short of that.

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>>737702723
I've told my mother and I'm pretty sure my immediate family knows. Family friends know, one of them even recommended a psychiatric clinic I've been going to for months now. The meds and therapy have definitely helped but overall things are just getting worse, which my psychiatrist even noted on last time.

I don't want to tell my friends because it's just so awkward. I mean it's so weird for you to just bring up and I don't want them to treat me differently. I've told other friend groups before and now I barely talk to them anymore. I just can't stand seeing them now. That they know how much of a depressed fuck I am and the tone of their leading questions like "are you okay?".

Writing letters is nice. But in the end they just provide short term relief. And when I read letters I wrote to myself years ago all it does is just stir up pain.

>>737703259
it's not that you don't trust yourself. fucking up, it's that you are always scared of fucking things up. but a bullet to. your head won't fuck things up, it makes you dead.
I think you're afraid of the state "dead", which is good and healthy, so there's still hope and motivation for living left in you. would you accept that? still having hope?

My family has taken most of my opportunities in life and I am considerig suicide to maybe change my family or something.

Thoughts?

I dont have the money to move away. Will probably be stuck with them for life, but they feed poverty by making asinine retarded decisions with money (restaurants, etc despite being poor as shit). What can I do?

>>737703489
stop reading the past, throw them away. do you keep lovely letters from. your loved ones? read those instead.

I know that feeling of reject, but guess what, your friends get to spent 24h a day with themselves like you. nobody likes themselves 24/7, believe me.
It's okay to be afraid to be rejected by your friends, because they might reject you. but is that wrong? would you mind they rejecting you if you told them you're gay? if you're scared of losing your friends, try telling them something that isn't true but would shock the hell out of you and then see for their reaction. since it's a lie, you can brush it all. off afterwards. shows you how dependable they are and yourself how's it like to get their rejection and if you can cope with that.

good luck!

>>737703511
>it's not that you don't trust yourself. fucking up, it's that you are always scared of fucking things up.
That's a more accurate way to put it, yes.

>but a bullet to. your head won't fuck things up, it makes you dead.
That's the hope. Better than fucking THAT up and becoming a vegetable. Not like I haven't fucked up attempts before.

>I think you're afraid of the state "dead", which is good and healthy, so there's still hope and motivation for living left in you.
Nah. It's just like before I was born. I'm not afraid of not existing. It'd be a step up from this, as I see it.
I am, sincerely, afraid of temporary pain/squeamish, though. That's why I can't really attempt any of the easier methods.

>would you accept that? still having hope?
Fuck no. I've tried and failed enough that I don't half-ass hope, and when I DO hope on something (and inevitably fail through honest failure or deliberately causing a state of failure) it's fucking painful and I spend time beating myself up over the fact that I was fucking dumb enough to hope again.

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>>737703259
half a decade? fuck man. I hope you take this as a compliment but you seem strong for going on for so long.

Yea since money is going to be an issue I've never considered guns. I'd rather fall to my death or use a knife, or just asphyxiation.

So given all that, what do you plan on doing then? How are you going to keep on going?

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>>737703736
try to free yourself from their family system. if you have the feeling control is being taken away from you, then distance yourself. they're your parents, they won't understand. but that doesn't matter, when you experience you are in control again you will be scared shit less, but hey you're in pilot seat of your shit. your deal to land the baby.
and then you can explain to your parents how you flew shit and landed it safely. bet they never did that and are. glad they didn't take control from you, or else you might have crashed.

>>737703812
>half a decade? fuck man. I hope you take this as a compliment but you seem strong for going on for so long.
Hell, it's not like I haven't attempted suicide. And that'a just how long I've been doing fucking nothing with my life. Ive wanted to die since around third grade.

>So given all that, what do you plan on doing then? How are you going to keep on going?
Honestly, just continue this until I either change or die. Those are the only two outcomes to this.

>>737703793
what happened that took the hope from you? what made you stop trying?

>>737703937
Well I tried starting a business with my mom but instead of investing back into it she spends everything she can on restaurants and stupid shit, and our business expenses haven't been paid in months.

At this rate there will be no business. She has no self control or sense of self-awareness.

I wouldn't be scared of having control. I think I'm the only one in my family with any remote sense of money management. They seem to adore being in poverty which is great for them, because then they somehow feel proud about "overcoming adversity" by shooting themselves in the foot then walking a mile in their own blood. But it's not for me. I prefer wealth. They've been a lifelong roadblock to my own building of wealth.

>>737703812
a bit off-topic, but this is from "koe no katachi"

just letting that out.

>>737704105
how high is your part in the family business? can you force them to take control of business? would you be willing to force them if it means a better and happier life for you?

>>737704032
All of the failure, and the fact that depression is a vicious cycle.
I have far too many reasons to not, and not enough incentive to try at this point. Hell, I've basically always been depressed. I was the dedicated patient of my family. I've never been overall feeling the state of "happy" that's the opposite of this to even be able to imagine what it'd be like. There's simply no reason to try, until I hate this enough to try again, then fail and fall back into the pattern...

>>737700043
>the bird is depressed
>the sun is depressed
>the fucking cloud is depressed
what did the artist mean by this

>>737704242
If a miracle would happen and put all your worries away, what. would you like to do with your life then?

>>737704217
I started it and am considering firing them to hire an employee but it's kind of hard when they don't send me the fucking money to keep the business going.

Why the fuck would I force them to take control of the business? They're already refusing to send money to pay for basic maintenance. They'd run it into the ground.

>>737704359
I meant force them to give you complete control over the business

>>737704336
Ironically enough (well, ironic at face value, not so much if you actually know the field) I'd probably want a Doctorate and become a Child/Adolescent Psychologist.
Either that, or something with programming.

>>737704313
because sometimes, when your depression bends you over to brutally ass-rape you, everything seems like a big fucking lie
you dont feel well under the sun, the sound of singing birds, everything just shows that you re a failure

>>737704433
what would be needed to become a child psychiatrist (I shortened it kek)?
have you read into it?

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I woulda killed myself a long time ago, if it werent because my mother already lost 2 daughters.
I cant bring myself to make her suffer again.
I'm a parasite, an useless piece of shit with no redeeming qualities, but I know she loves me, and the last thing I want to do is to be responsible for her mental breakdown.

I want to die, but I have to wait till I bury her before killing myself.

>>737704507
Not Psychiatrist. Psychologist. There's a difference.
Bare minimum, I'd need a Master's Degree. Which, considering I dropped out of high school because I couldn't get myself to do the homework, not likely.

Besides, that was 5 years ago. I've gotten to the point where I can't even get myself to make actual food for myself. The closest I'll get is microwaving popcorn because I'm in the mood for popcorn. I'm basically completely mentally crippled, when it comes to motivation/discipline.

It's not that I lack Executive Function, I just don't have it in me to see that I'm fucking up and not just go "Yeah, of course you are. You've always been a fuck up, what else is new?"

thank you guys for sharing your struggle
maybe today is the day... the sun is shining and maybe i go outside looking at flowers or some other shit
i wish you all the best
stay strong

>>737705077
Good luck, bud.

>>737702810
Not in the long term

>>737704813
Yeah homework sucks. also only did the absolute minimum but given the right field I excell at being motivated lol, have to slow down most of the time if something catches really my interest.

what would be needed to apply for university? did you try yet?

im pretty deeply fucked up lately man
im considering admitting myself to a private psychiatric hospital at this point

>>737704633
hey, need to talk?

>>737705268
Oh, I went to my local CC shortly after. I got my equivalency.
Quit after a month. Same reason. Can't study, can't get myself to do work outside of class.

to put it in simple terms: depression is a choice

the problem with that oversimplification is that it doesn't say how to "choose happiness" as everybody are different and have different ways of choosing to be happy, thus there's no universal solution.

but the good news is that the two first steps are always the same. if you take those steps, you're on the right path....
>a desire to stop feeling depressed
>willing to step out of your comfort zone

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>>737705464
oh boy... here we go

>>737704157
any good?

>>737705564
i'm dead serious mate. if you really want to stop, you have to do it yourself. there's no manic pixie dream girl or super-pill that will make you better

>>737705564
>>737705464
for some of us, this isnt bait, its truth...

some of us developed a habit of depression
some of us have a lack of endorphines and other hormones in their brain

the reason why some can get help from a psychiatrist (aka therapy and meds) and others from a psychologist (only therapy)

>>737704469
I guess thats true
But the comic gives me the impression that hes putting on a suit to appear normal and happy, and that everyone else wearing a suit too since theyre all making that same fake smiling face

>>737705857
I sought help from ayahuasca. Shit made a huge difference.

>>737705268
>>737705376
To clarify: I got my equivalency after dropping out of school after 10th grade.
Shortly after getting it, tried my local CC.
Quit that in under a month, and have been a useless sack of shit since.

And yeah, I'm very impulsive, too. Just... Nothing that has been good for me has been a desire for years now, so... Meh.

>>737705731
its a rollercoaster of emotions, so yes. it is decent

>>737704813
feelings are a fucking poison. they will constantly lie, deceive or feed you false information. never trust or act upon them. it will mess you up

>>737706012
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7_u0reE6bjI

Heres some life advice:

Dont ever let yourself be happy. Life will constantly beat you down until you think there's nothing left to take. Then it will give you the smallest taste of happiness, just so it can take that from you as well.

>>737706338
Didn't finish it there, but I do agree its not a drug and it does get abused on some level. Regardless, it can be immensely helpful, but you don't have to go around claiming enlightenment or seeking it. Calling it a teaching plant is the most apt and appropriately descriptive name I've found.

>>737705857
I'm really afraid I'm depressed. There's no other explanation.
I finally got myself a good career improvement and decent money. I thought that would finally make me happy but I'm still sad as fuck.

The only thing that made me happy was my gf. Right now she's stressed about work or family. Not having her attention focused on me only is driving me crazy.
This feeling is so stupid I can't even take it seriously.
As a man I can't even bring that up to her. I'm too afraid of looking like a pussy.

>>737699926

Wife and I have a son. Just found out she pregnant. Tells me everday im a failure. Like today Ill drop them at the park so I can go to the gym, she says I never do anything with them and she hates me.

Too depressed. Cant leave. No escape.

>>737706655
Depression doesn't necessarily mean sad. Really its more of a don't enjoy stuff I love like I used to and now no longer feel much of anything positive at all. If that sounds familiar its better to nip this shit in the bud. Some talking with a trusted friends/lover or a person who's job is to keep their fucking mouth shut(shrink) can help you get to the bottom of things.

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>Been clinically depressed since 8 years old
>Diagnosed with OCD and BPD years later
>When I'm with my younger bro and sis, I always want to remain happy, I don't want them to worry
>Still show some anger and show little to no facial expressions
>Meds don't do anything, makes me like shit and drowsy in the morning
>My mother and father feel like they failed as parents


My life is a living meme. I don't want to end my life because that will only make my family suffer, and I only care for them.

>>737706655
you're right, that is stupid. but you can't help feeling the way you do. at least your realize how stupid it is, which gives you an opportunity to work with it.

to me it sounds like your gf is your main hobby, which i perceive as a self-esteem issue (when you can't be around her, you feel less valuable and/or unimportant).

you need to get yourself involved with another hobby and generate some self-esteem on your own, instead of relying on your gf

>>737707003
Just be there for your family and try to live a family mans kinda life.
It helps a lot doing something good for your families.

t. undiagnosed never met a psych doc in my life depressed guy.

>>737699926
Roll

>>737701308
You're not ridiculously far off. Depending on the school of thought you buy into (cognitive vs biological), depression stems from a lack of serotonin in the brain. Tryptophan is a precursor to this and your body breaks it down into the raw materials needed to produce serotonin. Tryptophan is commonly found in higher protein dishes like turkey, chicken and milk. Eat more tryptophan, be a little less depressed.